Return of the Max


[dropcap]M[/dropcap]y word it’s been a long time, hasn’t it? Too long! I originally intended to say it’s been __ number of weeks since I last posted anything on here but when I looked at the date on the last post my head started to hurt and I said fuck it. I still can’t count – last night I tried to count how much money I would save when the babies switched from formula to homo milk and my brain near ’bout exploded.

But anyway. I apologize for my long absence. And thank you to everyone who commented on old posts and tweeted to or about me asking what in the entire fuck was going on. Oh and also? Apologies to those of you who got excited the other day when a new post popped up and was swiftly deleted. What had happened was I started writing it and set a future date to publish never dreaming that I wouldn’t have finished it a year later. Whoops! It’s gonna be good shit though when a write it.

So where have I been?

Well for starters I had some babies last Christmas Eve (those are their bums in the photo above, obvs) after having been in the hospital for six loooong weeks. That story is a post in itself, which I may or may not write at some point.

Then I had a bit of a maternity leave, during which I worked harder than I ever have at any job. Twins are a lot of work! That is also another post for another day that I will definitely write. Because honestly? If one more person tells me they wish they had twins I will punch them right in their throat and then lock them in a room with my twins until they admit they’re bullshit.

Then I moved to a new place, turned an age I don’t care to type out, and started a new job. None of which is interesting and none of which I plan on writing about.

Then I kind of lost my identity. That should probably also be a future post but suffice it to say that going from my hedonistic lifestyle to the life of a mum (and a single one at that) is a big time culture shock. Mothering my babies is so all-consuming that it doesn’t leave much brainpower for the things that used to occupy my thoughts. Which – when I started to think about coming back to my blog – made it hard to figure out what to write about since I don’t want this to ever be a mommy blog but I also don’t have any Nasty Fridays in me at the moment. So who I am and what this blog will be are a work in progress.

Also I wrote a book in my head. And I swear to you if I ever typed it out and got it published would be a fucking bestseller because I’m pretty sure it’s the book that all mothers want to read but no mother would ever write because their children would hate them for it. But you know me – I write first and deal with the fallout later.

Is anyone still reading this post? I feel like – if I waited over a year for a blogger to return and this was the shit she came back with, I’d be like “fuck this bitch” and close the tab with a swiftness. But stick with me – this is just the cherry-popper.

This week I’m going to a screening of The Best Man Holiday. It’s only the fourth time I have socialized since I had these babies. But have you seen the trailer? Morris Chestnut with his shirt off is everything.  Totally worth the extra dough I’ll have to pay the nanny for staying late. I’ll be giving you a full rundown of the screening and my take on the movie once it opens so don’t fret.

Hmm, what else? Random, but I think Avril Lavigne and her husband are a weird match. I mean I get the whole Canadian rocker thing but honestly doesn’t he seem a bit….fromage to you? And even though I don’t quite buy her as the hard rocker she seems to want to appear to be, I can’t quite believe she would actually want to spend time with him.

At some point during pregnancy I lost the ability to read on moving vehicles without getting nauseated so I’ve developed an affinity for audiobooks. But I realized that the kind of books I want to listen to are very different from the type of books I want to read. Weird, right?  Right now I’m listening to & Sons by David Gilbert. Before that it was Big Brother by Lionel Shriver. Both of which are dead interesting, but I would never have read in a million years.

Pregnancy does weird things to your life and your body, even after it’s over. That I will definitely write about some day.

But here’s the thing. My new life as a working mum is based on one fundamental premise: the babies go to bed at 9:00pm (yes I know that is too late for 10 month olds but they are so fucking excited to see me when I get home I can’t get them to settle down any earlier) and I go to bed at 9:07pm. And it’s 10:39 so it’s time for me to tap the fuck out. Because you just know some ingrate is going to wake me up to play at 4:00am tomorrow.  Also, my nail polish is chipping and I have a presentation tomorrow so I’m going to have to fix them. Boo.

Random (again): no matter how tired or strapped for time I’ve been since I had the babies, I have always done my nails. The six weeks they were in the NICU and I was forbidden from wearing nail polish were the hardest ever.

Oh! Speaking of the NICU, November 17th is World Prematurity Day. So make sure you hug a preemie next week. If you don’t have one to hug, you can send e-hugs to mine.

Okay for real now it’s bedtime for me. Tell me what you’ve been up to since I’ve been gone!


bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 17

  1. HLBB says:



  2. Cecilia says:


  3. beforesheimplodes says:


  4. Alexis says:

    I really missed your posts! I’m glad to see you back and congrats on being a new mommy. Twins…damn didn’t see that coming.

  5. RP1496 says:

    Welcome back! I have missed your posts but enjoyed the pics of those cute babies!!!

  6. Cheryl says:

    Max, welcome back!!!!!!! Former hedonist turned single mom…the transition I will never forget. My 2 are bigger now, so there are days I glimpse my former self. Reconciling the two “me’s”….you’ll get there too. Even though the new me has stretch marks and dresses a bit more “appropriately”….and barely notices the difference between a Saturday night and a Wednesday night. Whatever. Forget the Marines. Being a mom is the toughest job you’ll ever love.

    So glad you’re back. 🙂


  7. emti says:

    YAY!!! I’m so glad you’re back…and that book will get written and published if it kills me. Your words were meant to be read (or heard via audiobook) by the world

    Love ya

  8. Flyy Mommy? says:


    Welcome back, my love. I applaud you for even attempting to get back into the blogging game. Thinking about anything beyond work and caring for my mini me gives me a migrain. What have I been up to? Well let’s see… you had your babies on 12/24, I found out I was expecting on 12/1. So I’ve been pregnant, waddling, stuffing my face, having babies, not sleeping and being a terrible person to be around for the last 10-11 months. Oh joy.



  9. petersburgh says:

    thanks for returning Max

  10. max says:

    Thanks for the warm welcome back everyone!
    I would love to respond to each comment individually but I am old and STRESSED.

  11. paperdollcincy says:

    Welcome back and welcome to the mom club. Don’t feel bad about trying to find your identity and be someone’s mother. It is a hard road traveled and not all moms make it. Good luck!

  12. Danielle says:

    Ahhhh, you had babies!! Congratulations!!! I have totally been quietly stalking you page waiting for you reappear! And you’re not old. Maybe stressed. You couldn’t pay me to go back to my 20’s or even early 30’s. One I’d still be married and two my kids would be babies. At 38 with a 12-soon to be 13 yr old, 11 and 8 soon to be 9, I am good!!

  13. Jillian says:

    So glad you arte back Max. Missed you lots. You will be a great mom!

  14. MIlky says:

    How am I just seeing this WELCOME BACK< WELCOME BACK WELCOME BACK.

  15. brookelynn says:

    Just stumbled upon your site and wanted to give you props. I have one daughter and she’s a lot of work herself. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to have twins. God bless you girlfriend. I don’t know you at all but reading this I know you are a strong woman. Take care of yourself and keep on keeping on! Merry Christmas love

  16. Sweet Tea says:

    Randomly decided to check in to see if there were any new posts. Congrats on the babies. You were missed!

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