Ramblings of a Mad Pregnant Woman Vol. I


I think the key to getting posts in these days is to write less more often. I used to have a good meaty topic that I wanted to dig deeply into, now I just have a bunch of disparate thoughts that I’d like to write about but I don’t think I can turn into an actual post. So today I’m just going to share those with you and maybe they’ll inspire some awesome discussion in the comments.

Oh speaking of comments, that can be thought one. I miss the comments of blogs. I met some of my best and favourite friends in the comments of SBM. And lord knows the comments of VSB are like an overworld. And in its prime, the comments section of this blog was pretty popping at times. There are still comment sections everywhere but they’re just not the same to me anymore. More productive discussion, less mixup and scandal, I guess. I don’t know. But commenting on blogs used to be what I did all day long. Now not so much.

Also, I really miss Eff Em Fridays. I used to gather my eff em’s all week long and couldn’t wait to drop my shit. I think I was really wack in those days.

Anyone feel me?

Are girl crushes supposed to be something you get over as you age? I never had crushes on girls when I was younger, but now I have several. Not crushes like “I would eat that girl’s pussy from the back” crushes (although I do have those, believe that) but crushes like “I think ____ and I would be awesome friends”. I always had that feeling about Drew Barrymore; but that may be just because she and I are almost the same way. Nowadays my girl crushes are Coco from Coco and Cowe, Aliya S. King (but everyone has a crush on her because she is fucking dope), and Cara from BitchUJusMad. One of the many many reasons I’m dumb excited about having twins is that I will have something in common with Cara. That makes me sound like a crazy stalker but….#TundeShrug

Oh and Reagan from Hairdresser on Fire. I love her. Although really I don’t think it’s possible for me to have anything less in common with someone, so that friendship might be best left in my head.

Am I the only one who has friend crushes as an adult? I wonder if anyone has a friend crush on me?

There are sooo many people on Big Brother this season that I cannot stand that I don’t know why the fuck I even watch it. But I haven’t missed an episode yet. I also have some pretty awesome nicknames for these yahoos like “elementary teacher”, “mop top”, “miss piggy”, “old yeller”, and “ponytail”.

Can anyone guess whom I’m referring to with those names?

I have an awesome prize to give away from my friends at Lelo and I cannot for the life of me come up with a way to give it away. A random draw is a snoozefest, blackmailing you guys for comments will likely backfire, and those are all the ideas I have. How about, who ever comes up with an awesome idea for a giveaway wins the giveaway? That’s dumb, right?

Wil is “crying” on Big Brother right now. It’s so wack.

My dad is doing very well post-surgery. I was so cavalier about it before the day came because I was so sure he would be fine, but Tuesday I was quietly freaking out all day until I got the “he got through surgery great with no complications” text from my sister. But also I have to admit that when I first woke up that morning it took about an hour before I even remembered that it was surgery day.

Pregnancy brain is so real. Case in point: last week I was FREAKING OUT because my shower “wouldn’t turn off”, only to find out that I had turned the thing all the way up instead of turning it off. Honestly, I don’t even think I can blame the babies for that one. That’s straight up stupidity.

Speaking of the babies, I came up with an awesome nickname for them: The Insurgents.Referring to my children as such probably officially makes me a bad mother but I think that’s funny as shit.

I think I want to let my kids swear. As long as they do it in a respectful way. Mr. Max will not be feeling that plan, but I never saw the big deal about swearing. I’ve been dropping f-bombs since I was 8 years old and I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve slipped up and swore in front of someone I shouldn’t.

I just don’t think it’s a big deal, what do you guys think?

Last point about the insurgents: every morning I go to work with a relatively-normal sized belly and come home with a fucking beach ball in the middle of my body that gets bigger every day. I can’t imagine what I’m going to look like six months from now when they’re ready to come out.

And I’m mad I still haven’t written my “how to make the fucking best scrambled eggs ever” post. I need someone to record me doing it! But it might be one of those things I stress myself out to writing and then no one gives a shit about. Do you guys want to know my secret to awesome eggs?

God, I miss Demonoid. There are so many books and movies I need to download. Am I really expected to just pay for everything all of a sudden? And don’t talk to me about NetFlix. They almost never have what I need.

I do not trust Fred Connors. He is the “self-esteem expert” on X-Weighted (I fucking love that show) but in my mind he is a charlatan. And I’m not a fan of Paul Plakas either. I so dislike these two that I’m not even going to do them the courtesy of linking to them.

But that’s what’s on my mind right now. What’s on yours everybody?



bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 11

  1. TJ says:

    #dead at “The Insurgents” Max. I’m very happy that your dad came through without any complications.

  2. nectar_imperial says:

    Hilarious read.
    I think we’ll all enjoy reading and “watching” your oh so slow descent into madness…and yes, the nickname is awesome.

  3. Paddez says:

    Totally had a friend crush on you from the first time I read your blog. Btw dying at “the insurgents”.

    1. max says:

      Duh. You totally should have been on my list of friend crushes…but you could fit in either category 😛

  4. Cara Mia says:

    I keep meaning to reply to this. First, its totally fine you have a crush on me. You can start telling people we made out at the SBM happy hour secretly when we met. Also, I tweeted about you, without actually using your username today…but not in a subtweet way. Mostly in a “i need to learn how to write a sex post like Max” way. I am secretly stalking your blog in hopes for a pregnant sex series. because pregnant sex is so so so good. I mean it. I am actually jealous of you.

    1. max says:

      You know, people keep saying it to me but I am not living the dream so far. No disrespect to Mr. Max but,

      Actually you know what? This is NOT blog comments discussion. We’ll talk 😉

  5. Krystllyght says:

    Welp, I have a friend crush on you, Chunk and Muze. It stems from some sort of jealousy and/or intimidation. #IHaveIssues If we bring guys into it, Most. I see what you mean about Cara tho, I wish I could spew off some of the stuff she says. She mentioned pregnant sex, I agree that it’s awesome but once you get to a certain size, you just feel like a beached whale. I’m not trying to scare you, just prepare you. I remember pregnancy brain all to well tho, in fact I’m still in a fog two years later. Yesterday I had to call a neighbor to ask if I closed the garage AND I went to the post office but forgot to mail my letter. *facepalm* Cray. I’d like to know your secret to awesome eggs.

  6. Catriona says:

    Ok. I just read this while eating an apple and actually spat said apple onto my computer screen as a result of reading this line: “I do not trust Fred Connors. He is the “self-esteem expert” on X-Weighted (I fucking love that show) but in my mind he is a charlatan.”
    Holy hell, I’m still laughing and I couldn’t agree more!!!!! I sometimes wonder if people think the same way that I do, and you pretty much confirmed it. I am also strangely in love with that lame show in spite of the fact that I can’t stand either of them. Why, then, do I not only watch the show, but also enjoy it?
    It is because of this that you are also one of my girl crushes, and I will admit to having quite a few. I’m slutty that way. Cyber girl crushes on people famous and not, who I could so see being friends with. Rashida Jones would certainly make the list, too.

    Great post! I will revisit that line next time someone makes me mad. Which is every 10-20 seconds now that I have an insurgent of my own (fantastic name by the way)



  7. Mr. SD says:

    “I really miss Eff Em Fridays.” Hell yea

  8. HLBB says:

    Uhm. Totally have a friend crush on you.
    When I describe your blog to people, I usually say “she writes what I don’t have the balls to say out loud!”

    I once described the idea of being pregnant as “so, I willingly implant a succubi (as in a creature in me draining my life force) and then push it out for 24-48 hours?”

    So “Insurgents” is perfect. And why you’re much better equipped to be a mother than I am…

  9. TorontoBlues says:

    Been reading your blog for a while..first time commenter. great posts. I have a serious friend crush on you.. particularly cuz I live in toronto. Anyway hit me up on email (I assume you can see my email addy) and I will let you know how/where you can get 90% of the books music and movies you want (torrents and such).

    Congratulations on the insurgents lol

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