You can’t help but smile when you see my girl and her guy – their affection for one another is infectious. They’re sweet to each other, but they’ll call each other out on bullshit when necessary. They’re touchy-feely, but not to the point of being nauseating. They finish each others sentences sometimes, but more often they listen to one another with interest and each of them delight in the other’s intelligence. They support each other. They have each other’s backs.
Not that they don’t have their issues – they definitely do. She’s wildly irresponsible and he’s always trying to get her to grow up while she debates on a monthly basis whether it’s okay to spend her rent money on shoes. He’s reticent to the point of catatonia at times and it’s like pulling teeth for her to get him to open up and talk about his feelings. She’s afraid of her parents even though she’s grown and will evade questions or omit details to avoid their wrath. He’s the original mommy’s boy who worries more about what his mother would say about his girl than what he really thinks of her.
Yeah they have their stuff but they’re also willing to work at it. They make their needs known and they ask their partner to meet them. Neither of them is losing themselves in the relationship or changing who they are to please their partner, but they do the work necessary to make their relationship work. It’s not always an easy road and they often want to shank each other, but they’re in their relationship. They’re committed to one another.
Now I’m not a particularly envious person but I think my little green-eyed monster would be rearing its ugly head were it not for one thing: My girl’s guy is great and I wish I had one just like him. He treats her like gold and makes her feel like she won the lottery. But he doesn’t love her.
Yep. Her boyfriend is awesome and treats her better than she could ever have hoped for. He makes her smile and laugh and cum her brains out. He considers her, makes her feel special, and is charmed by her weirdness. But he’s not in love with her and it makes her a little bit crazy.
To be clear, this is not a particularly new relationship. They’re past the point where anyone could accuse them of rushing into things if they got married or knocked up or shacked up. They’ve met each others families, had their first and second fights, been together long enough to stop being charmed by each other’s annoying habits. She’s not jumping the gun or putting the cart before the horse or being impatient. She’s just someone in love who wants to be loved back. And we can probably understand that.
I don’t know a girl who doesn’t feel like she’s pissed part of her life away furiously loving a man who – in hindsight – so clearly didn’t love her back. I’m the first to admit I’ve wasted years of my life on that particular fool’s errand (hello Spectacular Asshole). By the time you get to my age, most women have experienced that. And that feeling – that “I am so stupid” feeling you get when you’re out of the situation and you look back with clarity and absolutely cringe at the many many signs you ignored that the person you were so devoted to didn’t love you. Well, there’s nothing worse than that feeling.
The difference between that feeling and the situation my homegirl is in right now is that a woman usually doesn’t know she’s in a relationship with a man who doesn’t love her. Or at least they don’t admit it. Most women are lied to, misled, sold a dream of love and marriage and babies by a man who was really just trying to get over on her. And as mean and as vicious as that is, at the moment my girl is waxing nostalgic for those days because she’d rather have the illusion of love than the ice-cold knowledge that the man she is devoted to; the man who looks at her like the sun shines out of her ass, the man she wants to pin her life on, doesn’t love her won’t even do her the courtesy of lying about it.
When my girl cries to me about this, I really don’t know what to say to her. On the one hand I think that in a relationship, behaviour trumps all. So does it really matter if your man doesn’t love you if he treats you right and makes you happy? Part of me wants to remind this girl that there are women all over the world whose men are desperately in love with them who get treated like shit on a regular basis. Part of me wants to go Tina Turner on her ass and ask her “what’s love got to do with it”?
But the other part, the girl part of me I suppose, understands where she’s coming from. The irrational part of me that knows the thrill of hearing those three little words from the man you love. The part of me who knows from experience the resentment this kind of iniquity can breed, the part of me that wants the very best the world has to offer for my girl says no. Fuck it. Yes you deserve to be treated right and made happy and to get fucked properly on a regular. But you also deserve to be loved. And if this dude doesn’t, there’s someone out there who will.
But what say you guys? Have you ever been in my girl’s situation? Do you think someone can be happy in a relationship knowing that their partner doesn’t love them? Is my girl making a big deal out of nothing or holding on to a pipe dream? Speak your piece in the comments.
Oh and p.s.: the homey Sardonically Barbed wisely pointed out in the comments that I didn’t say how she knows he doesn’t love her, so let me be clear: he told her he doesn’t. He wants to, he’s trying to, but he doesn’t. So this isn’t a case of her misinterpreting his behaviour or his words – it has been made very clear to her.