Ask Max is my weekly advice column where I respond to readers' sex, dating, and relationship questions and the max-logic fam weighs in with their own advice. If you have a question that you need help with, click the Ask Max button at the top of the page and fill in the form. There's even an anonymous feature for those of you who are shy.
This week on Ask Max we have a question from a young lady wondering whether she should be concerned about her man’s taste in porn. Should watching questionable porn make your partner question you? Read on for the problem and my advice:
I have a porn/relationship related question.
My man and I have been together for a little bit over a year and I’ve always known that he watches porn, that’s not a big deal to me; I mean sometimes we even watch it together. But recently, I was using his laptop and was scrolling through his recent pages when I found suspicious porn. When I say suspicious, I mean I’m not sure what the hell it means. See, I found she-male porn…as in women with penises, you know, having sex…then at this point I was even more curious so I kept searching and found a web search for “guys getting fucked”. Now, I know my man is straight, and to even justify that statement, he is a strong Muslim and really believes that man on man is wrong. We’ve participated in anal a time or two and we both enjoyed it but now I am getting a little bit worried. Should my finding of these odd porn searches freak me out? Is my man secretly gay? Or bi? PLEASE give me your input because I am in a panic and I don’t know how to approach this issue. Do you think maybe he is just looking to explore? Or I don’t know.
Please get back to me.
My immediate thought when I read this question is that it’s no big deal. God knows I watch things in porn that I would never want to happen to me in real life, and I’m sure there are many people who feel the same way. That’s what sexual fantasies are, right? Fantasies. You should be allowed to be as depraved as you want in your fantasy life, shouldn’t you? Otherwise I am in big trouble.
So yeah, like I said, my immediate thought and my thought as I write this is that a man watching gay or she-male porn doesn’t make him gay. Any more than my penchant for watching my favourite porn video “Two Dykes Fuck Each Other Hard With a Strap-On” makes me a lesbian. No matter how much I think about it, I keep coming back to the same opinion.
All the same I decided to take it to the expert – the incomparable Dr. J. He found the behaviour a bit more suspicious than I did. And he suggested that she buy her man a copy of Frank Ocean’s CD and see how he reacts. Which – like so many things Dr. J says – at first seemed ridiculous but soon began to make a lot of sense. I mean, if he’s hiding something he’ll probably get defensive and have a stronger than necessary reaction to the gift of a CD by the hottest thing in gay men since Doogie Howser. So that’s one way to find out.
Ultimately I think that if she has a reason to be worried she knows it – notwithstanding his porn consumption. There are plenty of tell-tale signs that a man is hiding something that you don’t have to dig through his web history to find. But the fact that she was looking through his history suggests to me that she suspected something well before she found it.
So my advice to you dear reader is that if this is an isolated incident and you truly have no other reason to question your man’s um, allegiance, then you can let this rock and see what else comes to light. But if this is the latest in a series of clues, it might be time to ask some hard questions.
That’s my advice – what say you guys? Does she have a reason to be worried or does what we use to grease our wheels not matter? Weigh in with your advice in the comments.