So there are 37 more days until summer and if you're anything like me, there's a bit of a crisis going on beneath your clothes. Under normal circumstances, I do a pretty good job of working out 5-7 days a week, but with this fucking toothache that has been plaguing me for the last five weeks I've fallen way off my game. Which was one thing when it was chilly and I was rocking my uniform of skinny jeans (that I have to fight to get on), loose blouses, and blazers. But with summer comes slutty clothes and it's time for me to get my ass in gear if I want to get ready.
And because I can really only get anything done when I have someone to answer to and people to commiserate with, I’m inviting all of you to join me on my last-ditch attempt to shape up before summer. And to help us all out, I’m building on the tips I gave you last spring in this post with some new and improved strategies to get us all ready to stunt this summer.
Hints, tips, and motivation
First, for those of you who are new or too lazy to check out last year’s post, let’s recap the principles of the Max Workout Plan:
1. You need a reason to believe. Something that will be easier to do if you’re in shape (like sex), an outfit you want to fit into, a one time man you want to stunt on, whatever works.
2. Do it and shut up about it. The more time you spend tweeting about your workouts, the less time you spend working out.
5. Find something you like to do. If you don’t know what that is, keep reading.
6. Wear skimpy, slutty workout clothes and look in the mirror all the time. If you look like someone’s fat aunty in them, that will motivate you to work harder. If you look smoking hot in them, it will motivate you to keep going. It’s a win-win.
7. Track your progress. You’ll be so amazed by how much stronger and smaller you are that you’ll want to keep going just to keep amazing yourself.
If my random-ass tips don’t work for you, fret not. The internets are filled with posts about fitness. I like FitSugar, which has about 9 billion articles and videos about everything you need to know about fitness.
When I need to get my ass in gear I always head to my homey Streetzie’s site. Streetz is a workout machine
yet still refuses to let anyone see the six pack we all just know is hiding beneath his clothes and chronicles his fitness journey in an honest, entertaining, non-ego maniacal way. Like me he has a job and a blog and a life to tend to and yet unlike me, he still manages to get it in. His workouts, I mean. I don’t know what else he may or may not be getting in.
Fish don’t fry in the kitchen
Or some other expression that means that if you want a hot body it starts with the food you eat. This is my big struggle and why if you follow me on twitter you saw many tweets yesterday about me attempting to choke down a protein shake. If you want to see real progress – especially in a hurry – you need to eat clean.
Free workouts abound
Despite the growing mountain of fitness equipment in my apartment, I’m of the opinion that you don’t need to spend a dime to get in shape. Except maybe on your slutty workout gear. The universe is full of uber-fit people who are willing to share their expertise with the great flabby masses and all they ask in return is that you get up off your duff and do a workout. Here are some of my faves:
Nike Training Club App: This is my go-to workout tool. It’s filled with ass-kicking workouts that answer whatever fitness need you might have in anywhere from 15 – 45 minutes. It’s for iPhone only (as far as I know) but a lot of their moves are on YouTube so you can piece yourself together a nice little playlist.
FitVillains: I love this site. It’s run by a Montreal personal trainer named Chichi Kix. She’s supernice and her body is ridic and you can tell she really cares about helping people get fit in a healthy way. She posts a couple of workouts a week and they will kick your ass all up and down your living room. My favourites are Girls with Guns and Booty Murder. There’s also a very extensive Q&A section on the site to help you solve your burning fitness dilemmas. Check her out solving mine here.
BodyRock.tv: This is the mother of all fitness sites. It’s full of free workout videos that are short and intense and effective. All of the hosts have those ridiculous bodies that you think you can never get, but they all got them just by doing the BodyRock workouts. If you are a pussy like me you will watch them and say “oh HELL no” but give it a shot. There’s a limit to how much damage you can do to yourself in 12 minutes or less.
QuickieChick.com: This is for you lazy/time-strapped folks out there. She has workouts you can do without even getting out of bed!
Or choose a DVD to get your (flabby) ass in gear
Free workout sites are awesome, but they do require a fair amount of digging to find what you need. Not exactly an ideal situation if your motivation is precarious. If you want to just work out without thinking about your workout, DVD’s are your friend. Here are some of my faves:
Chalean Extreme: Some people call this P90X for chicks. Some people say it’s even harder than P90X. Here’s what I say: the shit works. I got most of my definition from doing this program (despite my woefully protein-deficient diet) and felt like a badass when I was done. If you like lifting weights – especially heavy ones – this is for you.
Jillian Michaels: She may be a psycho bitch, but her workouts work. I tell everyone who asks me how to get started to try the 30 Day Shred. It’s 20 minutes long but the shit works. Once you master that, you move on to Ripped in 30. Which totally lived up to its title for me. And all her workouts are like that. They’re short but they get shit done. Then you move on to Extreme Shed & Shred, which will make you gargle your heart. In a good way. This one also features a move I like to call “legal torture” but is actually called one-legged mountain climbers. Which I promised my friend @_chunk_ I would demonstrate for her ages ago. So check me out here:
Even her yoga workout is an ass kicker. I love this bish I swear.
If you’re like me, a little visual stimulation goes a long way towards getting me up and working out. So if gazing avariciously at the bodies of people who are in way better shape than you are is your thing, get on tumblr and dig around the fitspiration tag. Or you can cut to the chase and check out my bodyenvy board on pinterest. This stuff works for me, but please don’t blame me if looking at these pictures causes irreparable damage to your self-esteem.
If all else fails, at least work your abs
This is the advice that Snickers gave me 15 years ago and it still holds true for me today. Abs are best worked intensely for short periods of time so if you can’t squeeze anything else into your day, you at least have time for abs. Also for me my abs show definition the fastest, so it’s a good place to start – once you see results there you want to keep going so you can see them everywhere. My favourite site for ab workouts is Random Abs – it gives you a different ab workout every day. They’re short but they BURN.
And there you have it – this year’s tips to help you get ready to stunt on heaux (or bros – I think these are gender-agnostic tips) this summer. But what about you guys? Are you ready for summer or do you need a little boost like me? What are your favourite tips for getting in shape? Speak your piece in the comments.