I fucking love smoking. It's what I do. My entire adulthood has happened with a cigarette in my hand. Well, except for a two-year blip in my twenties where I quit smoking and went through life with an unlit cigarette in my hand. Smoking makes everything funner. It takes the edge off anger, fullness, and fatigue. It calms the nerves (no it doesn't) and allows me to get fresh air during my workday (ha!). Oh - and it's the perfect end to sex.
I really believe that smoking makes me great. I would be a miserable cranky bitch without it and my best ideas – and my best posts – come to me when I’m inhaling the sweet smell of burning nicotine, carbon monoxide, and whatever the hell else makes cigarettes such a beautiful, alluring thing. But alas, the time has come yet again for me to start saying goodbye.
My longtime readers will remember that two years ago on the eve of my 35th birthday I wrote about quitting smoking. Yeah, about that. It didn’t happen. But quitting is a process, right? So I’m freshly in to yet another attempt to say goodbye to my longtime and faithful companion, the demon weed.
I’m about a week in to a 12-week process and I have some thoughts to share.
1. iPhone app life is real.
I wouldn’t even be contemplating this move if there weren’t an app for it. That’s the truth. If I’m expected to invoke the powers of willpower and determination and the desire to live longer to separate me from my favourite thing on earth, I’m a goner. But there’s an app for it? I’m game.
2. People who make quitting smoking apps have clearly never been smokers
There are about 5783 apps to help you quit smoking. And about 5778 aren’t worth a damn. There are apps that tell you how many minutes you’ve added to your life every time you don’t smoke. There are apps that tell you how much money you’ve saved. Apps that prompt you to look at a picture of your loved ones every time you want to smoke. And apps that tell you exactly how long it’s been since your last smoke.
Let me tell you something - if you are a real smoker and you’re trying to quit, you know exactly how long it’s been since that filter last touched your lips. The money you’re saving is little consolation because it’s all going to stuffing your face and loading up on gum. Your loved ones? Fuck those assholes. They’re the reason you’re going through this torture right now. And those 11 minutes I’ve added to my life don’t mean a damn.
3. 37 minutes is a long ass time
The app I’m using is a timer that tells me when I’m allowed to smoke. The idea is that a) the time between cigarettes will gradually increase so by my quit date I’ll be able to go fr’ages without smoking. And b)removing the link between smoking and activities (i.e. post meals, post sex, during phone calls) and affixing and arbitrary schedule to it makes it less a reward and more of a chore.
When I first started using the app I thought “wow I can have a smoke every 37 mintues? This is going to be easy!”. But when you are having a nic fit, 37 minutes takes about 2.7 years to go by. I may very well through this phone out the fucking window.
4. Life between cigarettes is kinda dull
I always wondered what people who don’t smoke do. Like – what do you do when you’re mad, or bored, or waiting for your toast to pop? Now I know. You stand around doing nothing. At least with a cigarette in my hand I’m always doing something – I’m smoking. Without one I’m just superfluous.
6. Inspiration lives in cigarettes
I’ll tell you the truth: I came thisclose to not writing a damn word today. I had no idea what to write about and my normal inspiration-inspiring trick of having a contemplative cigarette is off the table. So I was like fuck this. But then I clued in that the pain of quitting smoking is actually an excellent blog topic. For me, anyway. For you guys maybe not so much.
7. It’s not as enraging as I thought
Don’t get me wrong, this sucks. And I’ve barely begun. But I thought I would be a lot more angry than I have been. I envisioned myself throwing things and flying into random rages. Instead I’m just going through life with a lowgrade tightness in my chest, counting down the minutes til sweet relief.
I’m pretty sure the rage is coming. Soon. I just hope Mr. Max is within throwing distance when that happens since this is largely his fault.
And that’s all I got for you today. I know I said 10 thoughts but I only have one thought right now: I WANT TO SMOKE. And although I know the last 3 thoughts would flood instantly into my brain with my first inhale, that would be counterproductive.
Normally I’d ask you guys for advice or words of encouragement to help me on my journey but a) it probably wouldn’t help and b) you guys are some silent motherfuckers so I’ll just close this off with the three words that sum up my life right now:
I WANT TO SMOKE.
Oh wait. That’s four words. Apparently the only thing I can count right now is minutes til my next cigarette. Only 6:48 to go!
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*off topic*
Been a long time lurker but this post has made me come out of hiding. Loveeeeeeeee your blog. (have read almost everything from the beginning till now)
*back to the regularly scheduled comment*
I have been struggling with quitting smoking for a while too. The only method that has helped me is quitting cold turkey. I totally feel your pain on quitting smoking. It is one of the hardest things to quit because it is so intricately woven into our lives. Almost everything you can think of is associated with smoking….talking on the phone, good coffee/tea, writing, reading, chilling….etc etc. So the quitting inst just about the nicotine addiction. (nicotine leaves your body in 72 hours anyways…<— cold turkey method)…..but more about trying to figure out what to do in the situations when u grabbed a cigarette. And even though i know a crave only lasts about 3 min…..it feels like 3 days.
Having said all that I WILL encourage you on your journey to quitting…as i have started mine. (yupppp cold turkey again…)
Good Luck!!!
You’re exactly right. Not smoking is one thing, but finding something else that complements everything the way smoking does is the hard part. That’s where I went wrong the last time I quit.
Problem is, I STILL have no idea what I’m going to do to replace the behaviour. But I’ll figure it out. I hope.
Please share the name of the app! I need to start on the journey myself… Thanks
I have 4 quit smoking apps on my phone right now:
1. NoSmoking
2. iQuit
3. Quit Smoking
4. GottaKickIt
GottaKickIt is the one I’m using now. I like it, but it was a bit pricey ($6.99).
The Livestrong Quit smoking app is pretty good too, but the reminders are a bit tyrranical.
Excellent post. I love how honest and real you are with yourself and your readers about this very touchy topic. It’s one thing to know that you need to do better, but it’s a completely different thing to put a plan in place and take steps in that direction…and find humor in the situation.
Good luck to you! I look forward to more posts on your progress.
Thanks so much! Hopefully soon I’ll be writing about how quitting smoking was so much easier than I thought!
it’s a real battle. good luck max.
“I always wondered what people who don’t smoke do. Like – what do you do when you’re mad, or bored, or waiting for your toast to pop?”
we play with our phones..lol
Good luck Max, make us proud!
You can do it Max!!!!!! <3
Max, you can do it. I started the NicadermCQ at the beginning of the year. I made it through. Once, I bought a pack, removed the patch and proceeded to smoke and couldn’t even finish one cigarette. I tasted like exhaust pipe. I threw the pack in the trash and proceeded to complete the 10wk process. By the end, I could hardly remember to put the patch on. I can drink w\o smoking now. Whenever I think of smoking, I remember that exhaust taste and feeling and keep it moving.
Talk to me! I was just sitting here mad at myself for getting another pack when there was your post. I too love smoking. Mainly because it gives me an out, something to do.
But I gotta let it go. Please keep posting about your process every once in a while. Especially when you find something to replace smoking(other than food). Please and thank you.
1) You had counting problems before you quit smoking, lol
2) Good luck homie! I hope you are successful!
I quit yesterday! As in I had my last cigarette yesterday around 5. I used 2 apps (Droid-based) Smoke Break and Smoker Reducer. SR stepped me down too quickly, so I had to keep restarting it, because I wasn’t ready to be down to 3 yet. It has a timer and scheduled my cigs, but I could bank them for later if I didn’t want one or wanted to save it for later. I use SB because it stepped me down more gradually, but unlike SR it didn’t do much but count my cigs. I could go over my daily goal too, but I never did.
I say keep on keeping on. It can be done. This is my second time quitting, I was 1 year free when I lit up again (while drinking at a party). The smell in my hair, and clothes were my beginning to drive me crazy. Have you ever been on vacation somewhere where the people don’t smoke? My brother just had a baby and all my clothes smelled like ashtrays while I was visiting them. It sucked.
BTW, I replaced my habit with water and gum.
Good luck……
Max, I’m in the same boat. Quit for 8 years and started again last year. I’ quit cold turkey every Friday and cave every Sunday night. I blame the job, but it’s just an excuse.
I don’t have much faith with easing off; as said above, the nicotine is out of you in 72 hours. Every time you suffer and are rewarded by an app that allows you to light up, all you do is restart that damn clock and the suffering starts again. Check out Alan Carr’s book; it’s not as easy as he says, but one of these days I’ll get past this 3 day hurdle, and so will you.
All the best.
I feel the same way. My hands just feel so- empty without a cigarette. I panic when I don’t have any- even though I don’t really want to smoke. It’s more about the comfort. Thanks for this Max!