Ask Max is my weekly advice column where I respond to readers' sex, dating, and relationship questions and the max-logic fam weighs in with their own advice. If you have a question that you need help with, click the Ask Max button at the top of the page and fill in the form. There's even an anonymous feature for those of you who are shy.
This week on Ask Max we have a question from a young lady wondering whether she’s been relegated to the Friend Zone. Is there potential in her relationship grey area or should she drop the pebble of hope? Read on for the problem and my advice:
As one of your faithful readers, I’ve seen the great advice you give and am hoping you can throw some my way.
So I met this guy at a bookstore randomly and got introduced to him via a mutual friend who also happened to be in the bookstore.
We talked some after the mutual friend left and left it at that. Fast-forward maybe four months and we happen to sit near each other in church – quite unusual since the church is fairly large. I kept on seeing him at the bookstore (a favorite study plan for both of us) and we would always speak to each other. One day I was wearing gym clothes, no makeup – basically looking a hot mess – when I saw him with a female who turned out to be his girlfriend.
I kept seeing him at church but it seemed like after I saw his girlfriend he acted kind of weird. Well, I went to the bookstore and saw him sitting by himself again. Not knowing at the time that the girl had been his girlfriend, I casually asked where his girlfriend was. He said that they had split, but didn’t seem too upset about it! I got this huge, silly grin on my face and apologized for asking. But he said it was fine. So then we talked for 2 hours straight about faith, family, relationships, etc, he’s 28 and thought I was 26/27 and couldn’t believe it when I told him I was 23.
So then he walked me to my car and since he knows I’m into fitness we exchanged numbers since he wanted to go to a class with me on this upcoming weekend. I’m trying to be cool, but I have liked him for months. Am I being silly or is there real potential here? He’s a really good guy, solid job, gorgeous smile, and I want to avoid being friend- zoned. Thanks!!
Huh. Well. I wouldn’t exactly say that you are being friend-zoned so much as that you are…(I’m trying to say this delicately)…I think maybe you are in no zone at all. Unless I’m missing something, what I think is going on here is that you have a crush on a man who may very well not know you are alive. I mean, clearly he knows you exist because he has sat next to you and conversed with you, but it doesn’t seem to me that you’re even on his radar.
I don’t blame you for it – I too have been guilty in the past of mistaking friendship and basic courtesy for interest (and vice versa). Sometimes it’s hard to tell if a man is giving you vibes or just being polite. But luckily for you I already wrote a handy-dandy guide on this very subject.
Take a look at that and if you conclude that he is indeed giving you vibes, you need to push him a little harder to get him to make a move. (do not under any circumstances make a move on him. He’s not ripe and it will blow up in your face). You’re going to need to do something to make him realize you exist and motivate him into action. For that I refer you to this post, in which the lovely and talented Dr. J schools us on how to get in the path of destruction.
The good news is that being in no-zone is a much more enviable position than being in the friend zone – once a man puts you in a box it’s hard as hell to get him to put you in another one. So get out there and dazzle him and then come back and tell me what happened.
That’s my advice – what say you guys? Do you agree that this man is not studying her or do you see something I don’t see? Weigh in with your advice in the comments.