Ask Max: Am I Being Friend-Zoned?

27
Feb
2012
friend-zone

Ask Max is my weekly advice column where I respond to readers' sex, dating, and relationship questions and the max-logic fam weighs in with their own advice. If you have a question that you need help with, click the Ask Max button at the top of the page and fill in the form. There's even an anonymous feature for those of you who are shy.


This week on Ask Max we have a question from a young lady wondering whether she’s been relegated to the Friend Zone. Is there potential in her relationship grey area or should she drop the pebble of hope? Read on for the problem and my advice:

As one of your faithful readers, I’ve seen the great advice you give and am hoping you can throw some my way.

So I met this guy at a bookstore randomly and got introduced to him via a mutual friend who also happened to be in the bookstore.
We talked some after the mutual friend left and left it at that. Fast-forward maybe four months and we happen to sit near each other in church – quite unusual since the church is fairly large. I kept on seeing him at the bookstore (a favorite study plan for both of us) and we would always speak to each other. One day I was wearing gym clothes, no makeup – basically looking a hot mess – when I saw him with a female who turned out to be his girlfriend.

I kept seeing him at church but it seemed like after I saw his girlfriend he acted kind of weird. Well, I went to the bookstore and saw him sitting by himself again. Not knowing at the time that the girl had been his girlfriend, I casually asked where his girlfriend was. He said that they had split, but didn’t seem too upset about it!  I got this huge, silly grin on my face and apologized for asking. But he said it was fine. So then we talked for 2 hours straight about faith, family, relationships, etc, he’s 28 and thought I was 26/27 and couldn’t believe it when I told him I was 23.

So then he walked me to my car and since he knows I’m into fitness we exchanged numbers since he wanted to go to a class with me on this upcoming weekend. I’m trying to be cool, but I have liked him for months. Am I being silly or is there real potential here? He’s a really good guy, solid job, gorgeous smile, and I want to avoid being friend- zoned. Thanks!!

Huh. Well. I wouldn’t exactly say that you are being friend-zoned so much as that you are…(I’m trying to say this delicately)…I think maybe you are in no zone at all. Unless I’m missing something, what I think is going on here is that you have a crush on a man who may very well not know you are alive. I mean, clearly he knows you exist because he has sat next to you and conversed with you, but it doesn’t seem to me that you’re even on his radar.

I don’t blame you for it – I too have been guilty in the past of mistaking friendship and basic courtesy for interest (and vice versa). Sometimes it’s hard to tell if a man is giving you vibes or just being polite. But luckily for you I already wrote a handy-dandy guide on this very subject.

Take a look at that and if you conclude that he is indeed giving you vibes, you need to push him a little harder to get him to make a move. (do not under any circumstances make a move on him. He’s not ripe and it will blow up in your face). You’re going to need to do something to make him realize you exist and motivate him into action. For that I refer you to this post, in which the lovely and talented Dr. J schools us on how to get in the path of destruction.

The good news is that being in no-zone is a much more enviable position than being in the friend zone – once a man puts you in a box it’s hard as hell to get him to put you in another one. So get out there and dazzle him and then come back and tell me what happened.

That’s my advice – what say you guys? Do you agree that this man is not studying her or do you see something I don’t see? Weigh in with your advice in the comments.


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6 Comments

  • Malik says:

    He just sounds cordial to me.

  • ncvirgogal says:

    I can never tell the difference between a man being cordial and actually flirting with me bc he’s interested. *shrugs*

  • Corey says:

    @ncvirgo

    That’s because we don’t like getting our heads busted open in full view of the public.

    He could be just a cordial guy or he could be interested. There isn’t enough info here to ascertain exactly which one though. If he’s paying any attention, he saw that goofy ass smile which is, believe it or not, a good thing. The fact that he wants to see you outside of your normal places of interaction is encouraging. You’re going to want to really start tossing out some bread crumbs here though. Some guys are more averse to rejection than others and damn near ALL of us are a tad obtuse as to when a woman is throwing hints so you might want to almost be overt with it. Just don’t come at him bearing your puss on a platter (unless that’s what you’re looking for) because that will get you tossed in a category as well.

  • Amicus says:

    First, I don’t believe there’s anything you can do to stay out of the “friend zone”. No one knows what chemistry is, where it comes from or where it goes when it’s gone. So, if I were you…I wouldn’t waste my time worrying about that part.

    What you CAN do is make sure you’ve left the door open for him to act on his feeling for you, should they arise (and I agree with Max here, that he doesn’t have feelings for you one way or the other). Leaving the door open for a guy that likes you is ridiculously easy, all you have to do is make sure he knows you won’t reject him if he tries. ie, smile and look interested when he talks, laugh when he tries to make a joke, and don’t say mean things.

    One more thing. You didn’t ask about this, but I think too few women on the prowl do it, and I think it will help you in the long run: remember to focus on yourself in this process! How he makes YOU feel, if he seems interested when YOU talk, if he is what YOU need him to be as a man (brave, generous, humble, a leader). Trust me, if y’all do end up together, those things will make or break your relationship. And wouldn’t it suck to do all this work bagging him, only to realize you didn’t want him after all? Good luck.

  • Amicus says:

    First, I don’t believe there’s anything you can do to stay out of the “friend zone”. No one knows what chemistry is, where it comes from or where it goes when it’s gone. So, if I were you…I wouldn’t waste my time worrying about that part.

    What you CAN do is make sure you’ve left the door open for him to act on his feeling for you, should they arise (and I agree with Max here, that he doesn’t have feelings for you one way or the other). Leaving the door open for a guy that likes you is ridiculously easy, all you have to do is make sure he knows you won’t reject him if he tries. ie, smile and look interested when he talks, laugh when he tries to make a joke, and don’t say mean things. Seriously, it’s that easy.

    One more thing. You didn’t ask about this, but I think too few women on the prowl do it, and I think it will help you in the long run: remember to focus on yourself in this process! How he makes YOU feel, if he seems interested when YOU talk, if he is what YOU need him to be as a man (brave, generous, humble, a leader). Trust me, if y’all do end up together, those things will make or break your relationship. And wouldn’t it suck to do all this work bagging him, only to realize you didn’t want him after all? Good luck.

  • smartsx says:

    I dont think youre being friend zoned, but maybe the fact that he’s just come outta a relationship leaves him unfocused on women at the moment. I think you can save it by being cordial, inviting but not too overwhelming. You dont want him to hit you with the: listen girl, i just got outta a long relationship, this is moving too fast. And boy will that hurt!


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