They say that in every relationship, there is the lover and the loved. The one who exists solely to please another, and the one who allows him or herself to be pleased. The one who puts their partner above all else, and the one who prioritizes herself. The one who will be left and the one who will leave.
If you pay attention to the relationships around you, you see this dynamic being played out over and over. Although there is love flowing in both directions, there is an anxiety in the Lover that you don’t see in the Loved. The Loved is relaxed and content, his eyes don’t vigilantly follow her as she moves across the room, he drapes an arm casually over her shoulder. The Lover has an air of anxious happiness, she clutches his hand to her, must always be touching him, is quick to jump up and get him whatever he needs.
From the outside in, it seems pretty clear who has the better deal. Why would anyone choose to go through life being the giver of love when you could be the recipient? Who wouldn’t choose to sail carelessly through relationships while someone else gnashes their teeth over you? Who would choose to be the one who does more, gives more, cares more when you could instead be the recipient of all that vigilance?
The truth is though that each role is more complicated than it appears. To be the Lover is to be constantly aware of the risk you’re taking, of the hurt that may come to you. To keep a watchful eye on your partner’s mood, demeanor, and expression; looking for signs that he needs something you haven’t done, wants something you haven’t given.
But there is an exultant out of control feeling about being the Lover. The precarious nature of love fills you with a giddy unsettlement. Your hypervigilance stops you from ever taking your love for granted, and if your relationship ends you can be content with the knowledge that you did all you could, gave all you could.You don’t need over-the-top gestures of affection; you are content with small, sincere gestures of love .There is a freedom and a joy in loving freely and unabashedly, in seeming to exist solely to please your partner.
To be the Loved is to never doubt that you are cherished by your partner. To know that your every need and desire will be met. If your relationship is a guided hike, you sail carelessly down the path while your partner is the tour guide who makes sure your thirst is quenched, your belly is full, and you see all the sights. You relax knowing that your partner doesn’t require anything more from you than your respect and your presence.
But there is also a frustration in being the Loved. A resentment of the selfless giving of which you are the recipient. There is a sense of obligation to the person whose happiness is inextricably tied to your pleasure. A lack of ease in the knowledge that every word you say can cut your partner to the quick. There’s an unease in constant receiving – not knowing when or if all you’ve been given will be thrown in your face. There is guilt and frustration in always being the one who gets, in not having the opportunity to give. To be constantly, ferociously, greedily loved all the time is a kind of jail. You wish sometimes that your partner would just go away and read a book and stop trying to please you all the fucking time.
Most people are firmly in one camp or the other. We go through life as either a Lover or a Loved and we play the same role in every relationship we get in. And no matter what side you’re on, the other side always seems like they have it made.
But tell me dear readers – which are you? The Lover or the Loved? And which do you think I am? Speak on it in the comments.
And speaking of love, check out my friend @djagile’s third-annual Valentine’s Day mixtape The Lov Lane Part III. Certified grade-A baby-making music. Just make sure you name it max 
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I have been both, however i felt more satisfied in relationships i was the lover….maybe that’s how i am meant to be… the Lover…
I never heard that saying before now. It’s interesting. I was getting ready to say I was the loved and my husband the lover but I think through the years we switch back and forth. I spent five hours cooking yesterday. That sounds like something a lover would do. But at any given moment I could ask my hubs to bring me a cup of water, even if we’re both in bed, he’ll get up and go downstairs to fetch the water. That sounds like something a lover would do too. I think it just switches back and forth for us because it’s been so long.
Im sorry but “fetch”? Damn kryst…lol
That sounds like balance to me. Lucky you
It is said that the one who loves the least has all the control. But a lot of power lies in being the lover. You set the standards, plan the activities, and hold the moral high ground. You are always the good partner, never the guilty. You choose what will be given, when and how. I think sometimes I want to be the loved, but I know I couldn’t stand it. I like control too much.
I have been both the lover in my last relationship and now am definitely the loved. The only thing about being the loved right now, is that I find myself wanting to do more for my lover, and I am slowly starting to sacrifice more and more so that he understands that I appreciate everything he does. And hopefully our relationship will be more balanced one day.
DAMN this was a great post Maxie! I saw myself in both the lover and the loved. Let me ponder on this for awhile.
eh, not really buying this. in my relationship I am both the lover and loved, and I think my Fiance would say the same. I think the imbalance you’re talking about here, isn’t healthy. May lead to a SHAMship, instead of a real relationship.
If you want to know more about the SHAMship. What it is, if you’re in one, how to get out. Go here:
http://afriendofthecourt.blogspot.com/2012/02/shamship-are-you-getting-his-very-best.html
I responded to this on my blog since its such a long response and linked you. Thanks for the read check out my response at http://blackgirlinterrupted.com/?p=175
i am the loved. only relationship that has ever worked for me was when i was the loved but because im young i dont think i realized or wanted to face it. ive thought something was wrong with me this whole time thought i was evil or that i had high standards when really i was meant to be the Loved this whole time!
Long time reader..first time commenter. That was a beautiful post. Going through some severe heartache myself, I’m not sure if it was the best idea to read it in the morning. Tears come a little too easily these days. I wonder if it is possible that two people can go backhand forth within the relationship. It’s a push and pull feeling. There’s a time one person goes into their cave, while the other stands outside, and vice versa, both stumbling along the path to that ‘somewhere’ trying to receive and give and at the same time strive towards something better. I wonder if it is different for girls and guys.
This a great post. I’m just now reading it b/c of the link back from another post… It’s crazy. I’m usually the Lover, of this I am sure. However, this latest situation has me playing the role of the Loved. It is inherently uncomfortable. There are days when I can relish in his love, but other days when I’m just like O_O I need a break but I know to express that kind of sentiment to him would seemingly cut him deep and quick. *sigh* This really is quite a conundrum. Wonderful post dearie.
I am the LOVED, and have been since before puberty. I believe the author to be the LOVED as well, simply because I feel only a heart and mind akin to my own, would possibly even take the time to analyze such matters. For me, the defining moment was the frustration expressed in the sentence, “You wish sometimes that your partner would just go away and read a book and stop trying to please you all the fucking time.” ONLY the LOVED could truly grasp the concept. Anyone who was a LOVER would think it a rude, or ungrateful thought/feeling.