How to Make Your Woman Happy

happy-woman

Yesterday my friends at What Black Men Want (whom I owe a guest post that I am woefully overdue on and am publicly shaming myself for as an act of contrition) schooled the ladies on how to keep a Black man happy. The list was beautiful in its simplicity. But we gals are a bit more complex, so here is my ultimate guide to making your (Black) woman happy.

Tell her she’s pretty

I told you guys about this already here. And here! But I don’t think you guys are hearing me. So for the last time let me remind you that the quickest route from miserable woman to docile kitten is three simple words: you’re so pretty.

Put her in her place

It’s bad for business for women to admit it, but we know we get a little irrational sometimes. We can occasionally be guilty of getting angry for no good reason or flying off the handle over dumb shit. And when we do that, we need you to shut us down. When women are being crabby for no good reason (that’s the caveat here – it has to be no good reason. Not something you just don’t feel like hearing about because you know you’re wrong) there is nothing sexier than a simple declarative sentence that lets us know you will not tolerate our histrionics any longer. I call it the hush mama but “chill”, “do as I tell you”, “sit down”, “don’t fly past your nest” and suchlike all work wonders. For one thing, it’ll make us stop bitching. For another, panties tend to start flying. Because you know why your woman fights you so much? So you can win. We like winners.

Offer. So she doesn’t have to ask

A ride home, a bite of your food, the remote control. To take out the garbage, to go down, to get on top. It doesn’t matter what. Just offer something so she doesn’t have to ask for everything.

Just listen. Without telling her what to do

Look I know it doesn’t make sense to you guys, but some times women just need to vent. We don’t want advice, we don’t want a plan of attack or a course of action. We want to purge ourselves of our frustration right on top of your head. So just let us talk, make sympathetic noises, and be as outraged by whatever egregious act we’re bitching about as we are.

Oh and by the way? Listen! to what she says

Speaking of listening, it would be amazing if you could actually absorb and process at least 80% of what your woman says. Right now you’re sitting at about 40% and we need you to step it up. I know what you guys do – put on your best fake listening face and keep an ear peeled for “important” words while not really processing the entire story. But listening is sexy. Do it more.

Give her a straight answer. Even when she hasn’t asked a question

You know what she wants to know. You know she’ll be happier if she knows it. So just answer the question she may or may not be asking. Please. No hemming and hawing. No obfuscation with irrelevant facts. No long pauses and deep sighs. Just a straight answer that doesn’t require a panel of girlfriends to dissect and interpret.

Say nice things

Yeah yeah we watch too many movies and read too many romance novels. Yeah we get warped and unrealistic ideas of what is reasonable to expect from these movies and books. But why not take advantage of the roadmap laid out for you and say some over the top obsequious shit?  “You’re the best woman I’ve ever met” (word to Steve Brady), “I think that you are incredibly beautiful” (word to Darius Lovehall), “I’m so lucky to have you”, or even a simple “I love you” work wonders. Trust me.

Pay attention to her.

Just her. For even just one hour a day, don’t have one eye on the TV, or Tweetdeck, or COD. Ignore your phone and just look at her. Give her your undivided attention. Make her feel like nothing is more interesting than what she’s saying or doing at that moment. Please.

Little white lies

I don’t need to know that your girlfriend before me loved Silver Diner too and you went there all the time with her. Just tell me you never fully appreciated it until I schooled you on how amazing it is. Who is that hurting? It won’t kill you to tell me I’m the best you ever had, even as one corner of your mind drifts back to that stripper you fucked who blew your fucking mind. God knows you lie about the big things, so lie about the little things once in a while.

Be a little delicate

It’s not that we can’t handle the truth, we just like it wrapped up in a silk glove sometimes. The only thing that needs to be delivered raw dog is your dick. Everything else can be softened up with a few platitudes.

Rough her up

If you’ve never grasped, pulled, or scratched your woman you are failing at life. We want to be manhandled in the bedroom - it’s evidence of your overwhelming passion for us. So bite, clutch, spank, drag. Whatever. Just no donkey punches.


And there you have it. Mr. Max are you taking notes? A little more than 10 steps, but what did I tell you? Women are complex creatures. But follow my rules and you’ll have mad bread to break up a happy woman on your hands. And a peaceful life. Who doesn’t want that?

What do you guys think? Ladies is this all you need to be happy in your relationship? What did I miss? Men is this too much to ask? Speak your piece in the comments.

bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 14

  1. Carlito says:

    This should be a handbook given out every time a man gets released from the joint. I needed this to understand what is wrong with these women I keep running into. I’ll keep looking for my diamond in the rough. I’ll take this advice and let you know where it gets me. Respect

  2. I think men have to be the asses that they are for a few reasons that you explained in this post. Women can’t look to men to fill their insecurities. Women can’t look to men to be mind readers. And in turn, then they ask men to explain everything because they feel “confused.” That’s backwards as hell. Women want men to tell them where they’re going and how they feel and to open up to them. But on the flip side, he’s supposed to know what you want, even when you won’t ask for it. He’s supposed to offer, even when you won’t ask for it. Put her in her place? I agree with that. You have to let women continue to hang themselves until they realize how to go from being girls and be women. That doesn’t mean you have to be aggressive or assertive, but … come on man, men are not mind readers. If you want the remote, ask me a question like, “How much longer you going to be watching this?” For me as a man, when a woman is like, “You should just know” even when I know, I refuse to give in or let it be known that I know. And when she gets frustrated i’ll let her know, if she can’t use her words, then I can’t help her. To me, it makes no sense that women will sit in the dark idly waiting for a man to “figure it out” instead of just saying what they want or how they feel. They spend all this time in the dark pondering and analyzing the situation. Sigh… I don’t want to coddle women, Max. I just won’t do it.

    1. max says:

      I think you’re making this out to be more….nefarious? wack? than it actually is. I’m not suggesting men be mind readers. I’m suggesting that they not expect to be spoon fed.

      I do not accept for even a minute that men are as dense as they pretend to be. You know when a woman is looking for an answer from you. So provide it and stop withholding information out of spite. You know when the considerate thing to do would be to offer your help, so just offer without her having to ask for it.

      That’s not mind reading, it’s taking the training wheels off and being a big boy all on your own.

      I don’t think it’s about coddling, I think it’s about not making us beg for every scrap of attention and affection we’re paid. Yes we have to make our wants and needs known but once you know about them you kind of have to act on them.

  3. ncvirgogal says:

    This list is spot on! I read the other list (How to make a black man happy) and I agreed with that one too. Hmmm so these are the reasons why I’ve been so happy lately. Lol. Yeah..he’s pretty much amazing.

  4. Flyy says:

    & let the church say, AMEN.

  5. Mr. SD says:

    I kinda side wit Doc..This list itsnt a bad thing and I think once a yr men should peek at it almost like as a guide. But overall men BE YASELF! If you’re an asshole be that! a simp, be that! Because something you did attracted her to you initially, so be that!

    1. ncvirgogal says:

      but with an asshole, that attraction isn’t going to last long. Or it will last until someone who treats her better comes along. If she’s smart at least *shrug*

      1. Mr. SD says:

        Its sad to say but most women are not smart when it comes to the laws of love and attraction

  6. Uncle Suave says:

    Great list Max, but don’t go giving all men that much credit, there are some pretty thick headed dudes amongst us. But what you’re saying is on point; us guys really only need to put in A LITTLE more work at key times to make our position with our ladies A LOT better for both parties. Example: If we pause the basketball game, turn off just the screen, ask how her day was and allow her to vent for 15 minutes without interjecting any negativity, we can happily get back to enjoying the ball game when she is said and content… Maybe even with a Hummer [wink]!
    Seriously gentlemen, it really ain’t that difficult!

  7. Mabl says:

    Let me say something about being “yaself” and “not a mind reader,” that’s a cop out for someone that doesn’t want to keep their woman happy. Things that matter take work. Not necessarily hard labor, but some effort. If you don’t want a frowsy, naggy, sour faced girl after the honeymoon is over there are certain things that should be done. They are things that good partners do without having to be told. There are things women should do so they don’t have a frowsy, sour faced, distanced man in their life. It’s ok to walk through life as you are if that is what makes you happy, but what makes you happy isn’t always best for you. Go ‘head, stop going to school in the 8th grade, go ‘head lay up at home ’cause grandma lets you and smoke weed and play video games all day, go ‘head and keep that 250 credit score . . . because encouraging people to NOT be their best, for whatever trumped up nonsense as logic reason, is really what’s best.

  8. Menfolk – please remember, a ‘little white lie’ is “you have cellulite? I didn’t notice” not “I didn’t smang homegirl last night”

  9. ‘Just offer something so she doesn’t have to ask for everything.’
    This is 100% best advice ever.
    I’m so tired to ask, ask, ask, when it’s so obvious it’s necessary to do it.

  10. frenchdick says:

    hey, french boy from the south of france,

    great article, I just read it before my girl arrived, and apply a few line here and there haha. going back to simple shit we forgett works wonder. peace.

    btw

    as one corner of your mind drifts back to that stripper you fucked who blew your fucking mind. God knows you lie about the big things, so lie about the little things once in a while.

    that paragraphe is funny. made me laugh

    peaace!!

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