If it weren't for the possibility of going to heaven, I probably wouldn't be quite such a good person. I mean I'd definitely have way more inappropriate sex. And I'd probably lie more and steal more grapes from the grocery store. I'd be less charitable and way less forgiving and I might not say my prayers quite so often. But I gotta make it to heaven some day, so I keep my hedonism in check.
See I have to make it to heaven some day because I have a really important question to ask God. And I swear if I make it to the afterlife without getting to ask my question, I’m gonna be really pissed. Because I’ve lived my whole life not knowing the answer and if I have to continue through eternity not knowing, it’s gonna kinda suck.
Now before I tell you my question, let me just say this for the record. I know we’re not supposed to question God. I know that He is beyond comprehension and He has a reason and a purpose for everything and I’m supposed to just have faith in Him and not ask why. And if you know me in real life you know I’m pretty awesome at that most of the time. But I have just this one tiny question that I just have to ask Him.
So if I could ask God one question it would be this: why so many headaches? I mean really. I really want to know why He filled my earthly life with sooo many headaches. Scarcely a day goes by when I don’t have some kind of headache, and I get a headache for every occasion.
I get headaches if I get sunlight in my eyes. Headaches when I’m dehydrated. Headaches when I get too little sleep and headache when I get too much. Barometric pressure headaches. Shit is um…backed up, if you know what I mean headaches. I’ve been sleeping too much on my sofa bed headaches and I walked around too long without my glasses headaches and I haven’t had sex in over a month and I’m getting antsy headaches.
Okay I’m kidding about that last one. But holy shit I get a lot of headaches. And I just want to ask God why.
Like I said I know that God has a reason for everything. And I truly believe that there is a great cosmic reason for every headache I have ever or will ever have in life. I’m sure that each and every one of the headaches I get – headaches that make me miss work, and keep me in bed for 14 hour stretches and make me miss Thanksgiving dinner and birthday parties and be late with my blog posts – have spared me from certain disaster. I’m quite certain that is the case. But still I just would like to ask why.
My theory is that headaches are what the devil uses to stop people from being great. Because really, most of the best people I know in life get their ass kicked by headaches on a regular basis. I think it’s the tool that Lucifer uses to make us rail against the heavens because it’s hard as fuck to believe that God loves you when your brain is trying to burst out of your skull through your eyebrow. But that’s neither here nor there.
So yeah I have to make it to heaven. Not because I want to float on clouds and strum harps and eat lots of cream cheese, but because I have just one question that I’d really like to ask God.
What about you guys? What one question would you ask God if you had the chance?