Ask Max: Do I Need to Soften Up?


[dropcap]T[/dropcap]his week on Ask Max we have a question from a young lady wondering if she needs needs to be more feminine to get a man. Read on for the problem and my advice:

 Max! One of my guy friends told me I don’t have successful relationships because I share to many interests as guys. Basically I’m just really cool and I’m not “sensitive” enough. He said I would make the perfect friends with benefits. Is this true? Do I need to soften up?

I love this question because it’s kind of singing my life. And because I’m trying to be more succinct in my advice I’m going to cut to the chase and say yes. You do need to soften up.

Being cool as shit myself, I’ve learned the hard way that being cool does a girl no favours in the romance department. Yes it’s true that when you’re the kind of girl who likes so-called male things and tells so-called male jokes. men will like to be around you and think you’re awesome. Yes it’s true that you will have more fun because men are way funner to hang around than women are.  Male friends and acquaintances will always be happy to have you around because you’re one of the boys.

Here’s the thing though. Most men don’t want to wife down one of the boys.

If you are attractive and fun and capable of having sex with no strings, men will flock to you. That’s for sure. They will want to fuck you and talk to you afterward and – like your boy said – you’ll have no shortage of fwb types. But if you want to be wifey you’re going to have to learn to act like a girl.

I’m not saying stop being cool – I would never suggest such a thing. But I wouldn’t open with that, if you know what I mean. If you are dirty and potty-mouthed around men you don’t know, they will form an opinion about you based on that. And without the frame of reference of your other awesome qualities, that opinion is essentially going to amount to jump off. So let men see other sides of you before you bring out your dude side and you’ll have more luck. It definitely worked for me.

That’s my advice, what say you readers? Do you agree that being too cool can hurt a girl’s chances in the romance department, or do you think our girl here is just barking up the wrong tree? Ladies has your coolness ever hindered your personal life? Men would you wife a girl who was one of the boys? Weigh in with your take on it in the comments.


bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 4

  1. Malik says:

    I wouldn’t so it’s an absolute in the slightest. However, I would ask the woman sending in the question (as well as Max and women readers here) would she want to seriously date a man that acted like one of her girlfriends?

  2. NinaG says:

    Relationships may start with shared interests, but they require more than that to be sustained. In any relationship, romantic or platonic, you should open yourself up more if you want more from the other person. I don’t think this means you need to alter any first interactions with a guy at all; if you’re a tomboy, accept it and use it to your advantage.

  3. chunk says:

    “If you are dirty and potty-mouthed around men you don’t know, they will form an opinion about you based on that.”

    That is my life. Try as I might, I have not been able to curb it without feeling like a complete fraud, and ending up being even more awkward as a result. And all I keep thinking is, ok so when I’m done “playing gurl” this boy is gonna look at me like where’s the chick I fell in love with? LOL


    1. Mabl says:

      Don’t feel like a fraud. I think I read it somewhere else that saving portions of yourself to reveal as you get better acquainted with someone is like a child learning socially acceptable norms. There are SO many things we only do alone/around family/around friends. The office is not the place to behave like it’s 2am Saturday morning. Why should a stranger get all of you at the get? It’s ok for the completely relaxed amazing person that your friends love to come out gradually; editing yourself isn’t being phony, it’s just a part of human interaction. Practice makes perfect. I had the opposite problem of not letting enough of myself out with strangers, especially on dates. It took me a while to realize I needed to relax and add a bit more of the natural me and so far, so good.

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