The Cool Girlfriend


It stands to reason then that I make a pretty cool girlfriend. I don’t nag, I almost never yell, and I don’t give a good goddamn whether the toilet seat is up or down. I fuck with the lights on, have never said “No. That’s nasty” and you don’t have to sleep over if you don’t want to. I don’t get mad over dumb shit, and I would never leave a man for cheating. I have a life and encourage Mr. Max to have one too and I neither expect my man to read my mind, nor get angry at him when he fails to do so. To put it short, I got it made. I have always been the coolest girlfriend ever.

Until that one time my boyfriend touched a stripper’s tits and all hell broke loose.

See what had happened was this Mr. Max went to a strip club for his boy’s birthday. And lap dances were only $5. So he got ten of them. That niggled at me a little bit but I could have let it go. But then…then he said “and she let me play with her nipple ring” and the world went black.

Let me tell you something real: such a wave of white-hot rage passed over me that it’s a good thing this conversation took place over the phone across a vast distance.  Because some people would have got hurt that night. I’m not a violent person, nor am I a particularly strong one. But I would have choked the shit out of that man that day and I really don’t think any jury in the world would convict me for it.

Hopped up on righteous indignation, I turned to my closest girlfriends for support. But instead I drew back a nub. Expecting them to be incensed on my behalf, when I told them “Mr. Max felt a stripper’s titties and I am pissed” I was met with a confused “but why?”.  And despite a litany of reasons why this act of Mr. Max’s was so egregious as to have me up half the night stewing in my juices, they each staunchly refused to see my point of view.

Sidenote: I am purposely leaving my litany of reasons why this act was fucked up out of my post. Not because I no longer believe them (I do) but because I don’t think you guys will so I’d rather save the keystrokes. But if you want to know what they were I will happily share.

And so, left with no one to support my anger and a phone suspiciously devoid of impassioned pleas for forgiveness, I had no choice to but to spend some time with my thoughts and figure out what I was going to do and why I was so fucking mad. Finally I realized it – the reason I was so fucking mad was that I was so fucking MAD. I was as angry at myself for not being cool about the touching of the titties as I was about the actual touching. My “coolest girlfriend ever” crown had been snatched from my head and that thought was way more distressing than the mental picture of Mr. Max diddling someone else’s nipple ring.

Although let me tell you – that mental picture was disturbing as fuck.

For most of the day I stewed and raged. I bitched, I rationalized, I smoked furiously. And at the end of the day I had to accept the obvious conclusion: I am not the coolest girlfriend ever. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still awesome. And I’m probably still cooler than your girl. But if I am the kind of girl who flies into a rage because her boyfriend squeezed a stripper’s titties, I am officially no longer the coolest girlfriend in the world. And I’m okay with that.

But what say you guys? Ladies do you consider yourself a cool girlfriend? Would you be mad if your boyfriend diddled a stripper’s tits? Men – would you expect your girl to be cool in this situation? Speak on it in the comments.




bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 38

  1. Chucc Taylor says:

    Real talk I know my girl would trip about it. But keep this in mind: She’s a stripper that’s her job. She plays up the fantasy and that’s about it. Ain’t nobody taking her home. I know I ain’t doing that shit. So my girl should be able to understand that. One time thing. Plus I’d be heated something serious if I found out she over at Thunder Down Under or something like that and she come back home with dick breath. That’s how niggaz end up on Law & Order.

    1. Malik says:

      Isn’t that what women are supposed to do at male strip clubs?

      1. Chucc Taylor says:

        Givin head at male strip clubs? Idk about all that I ain’t never step foot into one. But like I said for female strip clubs, the male ones do the same thing. Provide a fantasy and that’s about it. Having fantasies are normal. Actting them out is what will get that chick shot in my eyes

  2. arlene says:

    i am the coolest gf ever. i would have been there and played with her nips first 🙂

    1. max says:

      If I had been there it would have been a non-issue for sure. However, the fact that I wasn’t was just one of many reasons why I lost my shit.

  3. Renè says:

    A friends who’s also a really cool girlfriend, was in this type of situation once.
    So there’s this strip club/bar they both frequent for drinks or just to hang out. One night she calls him, tells him she wants to have drinks. Dude says he’s working late, he’s got loads of paperwork and what-not. She’s like, okay cool, I’ll just hang out with my boys (which he’s fine with by the way because he’s familiar with these boys). An hour later, she walks into the regular spot, first nigga she sees is her boyfriend, sleeves rolled up, tie loose, face literally in between a stripper’s rack, getting a lap dance. The scene that ensued is another tale.
    Obviously, she broke up with him, not because he lied about where he was, but because of the single act that he chose ‘their regular spot’ to do that. She saw it as an act of disrespect and she wasn’t having none of it.

  4. sardonically_barbed says:

    Comment withheld until aforementioned reasons are listed in full.

    1. max says:

      Okay it’s been a while so my anger and memory have faded somewhat, but my reasons were:

      1. I did not want him touching another woman’s breasts. I don’t care what her job is, the rule of thumb is you don’t touch anyone’s titties but mine.
      2. Why in the entire fuck did he tell me this?
      3. You have no reason to want to play with nipple rings when you are blessed to have a girl who has one
      4. If it was the other way around and I diddled a male stripper’s junk, that would be my ass and we both know it
      5. The rule of thumb is you don’t touch anyone’s titties but mine. Period.

      1. Mike says:

        A measure of “coolness” is also setting and enforcing a limit and/or value in a relationship. No matter if Mr. Max knew in advance not to touch, I’m sure that the scorching he received from you either set a new limit or reinforced an existing one. Demonstrating that you have the stones to say no and mean it is something that I have found in very few of my relationships, it is a quality that I look for in others.

        1. max says:

          Very good point Mike and that’s basically how I comfort myself.

          Although to be honest, I really didn’t expose Mr. Max to the full strength of my wrath, I did let him know I was upset, which is something the old cool max would never have done.

          And while by my standards it does take down my cool rating some, I realized that there really is not much percentage in being cool to the point that everything goes.

          For one thing, you just end up stewing in your own juices because you’re too cool to tell your partner that what s/he’s done has upset you, and for another it just gives them the feeling that you don’t give a shit what they do.

          Neither of which is doing much for the health of your relationship.

      2. TJ says:

        Max I’m surprised you listed this is numerical order. I read the comment but I couldn’t figure out what was going on with numbers; almost as if I expect them to be out of order.

      3. sardonically_barbed says:

        believe it or not, thats reasonable.
        just because youre a cool girlfriend doesnt mean youre a sucker.
        cool girlfriends have tempers too.
        a regular gf would lose her shit and then break up with him, a cool gf loses it so that he knows where the line is and not to take you for granted.

        has he made it up to you yet?

  5. HLBB says:

    I share many of of your “cool girlfriend” beliefs. My boyfriends have even called me from the strip club to tell me they’re bored. But whenever they have gone, I have always said one thing: “don’t touch anyone or anything”.

    Had any told me that they had diddled a nipple ring, I too would’ve lost some serious “cool” points and said boyfriend would’ve lost a finger. So I guess I’m not cool either.

  6. Candi says:

    smh, In the mist of my “coolness”, I demand respect. My “pending” and I frequent Gentlemen’s Clubs every chance we get. I was actually the one that turned him on to it, however, I’ve always given him the freewill to act as if I was not there because there is no need to front with a bullshit “act” with me but everything is different when you get around others. On top of knowing that I would probably forget all about him if my favorite girl comes out. Flipping of the nipple ring, I wouldn’t be mad about. Cheating?… that’s another “48 hrs” episode. Being a former employee of a Gentlemen’s Club, I know first hand watching other’s, that far worst things happen rather then “the nipple ring” incident.

    Men dancer’s?… omg!! cannot do. I don’t like to be man-handled or having balls thrown at my face.

  7. Melissa says:

    I think I’m relatively cool. The stripper thing would not bother me at all. As long as you’re just using your hands and they’re not going into anything, I’ll be cool. But no mouths on anything…I would flip out on that.

    However, I would most def leave a dude who cheats and I don’t think that makes me uncool.

  8. Mrs. Brightside says:

    So I’m the cool girlfriend up to the point I feel that you should have some mind reading powers. Its more so of a we’ve been talking for this long there are some things I feel you should know about me without question. My freak outs from the realization that you haven’t been paying enough attention to me to know what mood I’m in revokes my eligibility for Coolest Girlfriend.

    The stripper titty thing would have gone a totally different way for me lol. He didn’t know the stripper or exchange phone numbers I’m good. It was with his hand right? Not his tongue? Did you like it? Don’t think I’m getting mine pierced. I’ve told friends and men before the reason I would be upset if my Mista cheated if that he was too selfish to share with me. I like titties too. lol “Ain’t no fun if the boo can’t have none. “

  9. xoxoxo says:

    Funny enough this past weekend I went to the strip club with my boyfriend to celebrate his birthday, in addition to that I bought him a few lap dances. I won’t lie to you, I thought to myself if I was crazy because of how non-nonchalant I was about the entire thing…

    Then again though, they’re just strippers …. simply there to exploit men for their money and provide a $20 fantasy.

  10. krystal light says:

    This post had me cracking up for some odd reason. I always thought I was a cool wife or girlfriend and my husband even confirmed this but that’s just because I don’t trip when he plays his video game. I feel like I don’t nag but he’ll say something different. I probably could forgive if he cheated but don’t keep doing it. I’ve never said no that’s nasty but I’m the one always trying to come up with stuff. In this situation, I may have been a little miffed too though. If you go to the strip club (my husband has never done this though), please enjoy yourself but don’t come home giving me a rundown. There is a reason I wasn’t there. All I need to know is that you were at a strip club and you had a good time. Spare me the details. I can already imagine. I say this now but I really don’t know if I’d be like this. I am interested in your reasons for being so upset though. It’s like he was purposely trying to push the limit with you. Like, “she says she’s cool but let me see how much…” type thing. I wonder if you’d been okay with the nipple touching if he’d gone on and said and then I did this…and then this too.

    1. max says:

      I’m with you – I don’t need to know the details. I’ve been to enough strip clubs and have enough pervy male friends that I can imagine what goes on in there. I prefer not to think about it and when you tell me that image is permanently burned in my brain.

  11. trinileigh says:

    My girl would definitely trip out. reason, it’s another girl’s tits. As laid back as girls want to be, jealously seems natural.

    I dont ask for much in terms for a cool gf. As long as it is a team effort (being on the same page) I think she winning there already.

  12. Malik says:

    But wait women don’t play the strippers junk when they go to male strip clubs? Are you gals saying porn has LIED to me?

    As for the question: Of course I don’t expect the girl to remain cool there. I wouldn’t be touching the strippers nipple rings either though.

    1. max says:

      Ugh who goes to see male strippers?!? They’re fucking gross.

      (no offence to any of my male readers who are strippers)

  13. Ro Anthony says:

    $5 a dance? That’s disgusting!

    Then again….Who can pass up a deal?

  14. CF8 says:

    Weird but I wouldn’t think a girl I was with a cool girlfriend if she was ok with me touching another woman’s breasts.

    I don’t do stripper clubs but if I did them, I’d be upfront if I had a girl. Anything I do I should be able to say and vice versa. Shit I don’t need permission and that saves time so if it was a deal-breaker the girl can end things early. I hate drama.

    Btw, what did you mean by “I would never leave a man for cheating”? That sounded really firm and weird if you got furious over touching a breast.

  15. Mel says:

    I’m confused by your reasons, Max. Part of what you stated makes you such a cool girlfriend is that you would “never leave a man for cheating.” At the same time, one of your reasons for being so upset is because “the rule of thumb is you don’t touch anyone’s titties but mine.” These two things don’t mesh well together – or am I missing something. Touching a boob is not cheating … cheating is not enough to make you leave a man … but a touch is enough to set you off?

    …Actually I just scrolled up to read the rest of the comments and it seems that I am on the same page as CF8 in my confusion. Please explain.

  16. Mabl says:

    I think I’m a cool person, very laid-back as a person, so of course I am a “cool” girlfriend. I don’t believe being a cool girlfriend means that nothing the other person does is supposed to bother you. That is . . . an unreasonable self-expectation. No one is perfect so how could you possibly think you would be able to let everything someone you spend so much time with and know so much about to be 100% ok with you; you are either expecting perfection from yourself or from them. I agree with your readers who commented that someone who thinks everything the other person in a relationship does is ok is not cool. One of the best comics I ever read was a Curtis where the two little hoodlums in the strip were ragging on Curtis because he had to go home at nightfall and they were like “Our parents don’t care,” and Curtis went home and thanked his parents. If you care, you’re going to want to speak up about something at some point. Because you matter and the way that person relates in your world matters, at some point there is going to be a problem. The only way there would not be is if the person really doesn’t matter. Or you don’t.

  17. Max says:

    Im confused. You said that you’d be cool if he cheated, but you’re not when he sucked on her titty?

  18. Sizz says:

    My boyfriend lives 3,000 miles away from me and I try to be the cool girlfriend too. I visited him on my summer break from grad school. I found out by accident. He was getting ready and I went to get his socks out of a drawer and found a VIP pass to a strip club. I asked him when he did it and he said a long time ago… which turned out to be a month ago for his birthday and he never told me. He also grabbed the stripper’s tits. Weird. It still kinda crawls under my skin a bit. I told him if he can touch girl’s titties then I can let a man touch mine. Not sure of what a fair trade would be…There’s a really big double standard here. I’ve been to strip clubs before and thought they were fun… now I must be getting old or uncool.

  19. Ceramic says:

    It’s cheating if they did it behind your back :/. I’m all for going to strip clubs and whatever, and why not, screw whatever chick you want. I mean, if I held back my partner they might be thinking about it later or at some point, and the more “no’s” i provide, the more taboo and desirable it becomes, and eventually they might cheat instead of trying to get your consent. Then you’d have all sorts of emotions and problems to deal with. My rule is “as long as you’re still mine by the end of the night.” I’d at least LIKE to think I’m cool, but the thing is I tend to attract guys who act more like the lady in the relationship than me, soooo-…

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  23. R~Thomas says:

    for some explainable reason, i actually read this article; i usually don’t bother with blogs but this impressed and interested me. i know that a lot of ladies might not be cool at all about their man going to a gentlemen’s club/strip club/whatever-you-cal-it, even if they didn’t get a lap dance, and their opinion is well known and dully noted. however, after reading the article (and in the comments, Max admits, “if i had been there it would have been a non-issue”) i am confused about one thing: Max opens up with the statement, “…i would never leave a man for cheating…”, but then recounts the story of loosing her cool because her man touched a strippers tits. respectfully, i’m curious if there is actually some rational behind this seeming duality which has escaped me.

  24. Sarah says:

    So on a common subject I just found out my husband of 5 yrs told me in front of my friends that 3 yrs ago while we were away that he went to a strip club and got 2 lapdances. I knew about this before and wasnt pleased about the lapdance part but handled it. Anyway the part he failed to mention until the other night was that he also fondled her breast and touched her. I am so upset by this and really feel like he has cheated on me. I feel like a fool. What are people’s opinions on this?

    1. sdavis says:

      Have you been to a strip club yourself? Did you think they just sit on their hands while a sexy girl rubs their stuff all over them? During a lap dance you can touch, lick, suck their titties and grind your junk against their pussy until you cum if you pay enough. Honey he didn’t cheat on you. I go with my man to the clubs, he won’t go without me. We both get a lap dance or 2 and both touch, lick, suck titties and rub our junk all over theirs and then go home and have hot sex again and again. He probably would love to have you do the same. Never know till you ask..

  25. jkdood says:

    I’m a guy and even I think that is cheating. Dood you touched another girl’s tits. How would you feel if she let a guy touch hers? Cool GF or not, you have a right to be pissed. He prolly knew and is just playing dumb.

  26. Krish says:

    Remove the post at earliest. Police complaint is lodged with cyber-crime department to find out the origin of of the post. Guilty will face the music shortly.

  27. ALY says:

    I want to think I’m the coolest gf ever. I’ve been to strip clubs with my bf and love to watch them mess with him, in front of me mind you. However, we went to one on his birthday. Only one stripper would look his way and ask if he wanted a dance when i was at table with him. I was planning on getting him a lap dance and paYing extra for it since it was his bday. I was there and why not. However, I became the lame gf that night. When I got up to go to bathroom, one stripper that wouldn’t acknowledge us ask him if he wanted a dance as soon as she saw I was gone. I came back from the bathroom to an empty table. I was mad. As soon as, he got back to the table, I got up and said we are done here. So not only did he waste 40 dollars for cover but the 20 dollars lapdance was short lived. The girl’s lapdance was not all that. And he probably regrets it now because he thought I was gonna get him a dance later with the one stripper he really liked. Sucked to be him. At least I showed that stripper that I have the last say. He could have stayed but he followed me out of the club. I still think I’m apretty cool gf. He just knows next time, if I’m with him, he better be at the table when I return from the table.

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