I'm not much of a YouTube watcher. Although much of my professional decisions are made based on the universal presence that YouTube=drugs, the truth is I find it a bit of a snoozefest. I probably abandon 90% of the videos I start less than 20 seconds in, and if an ad plays before the content it's abort mission immediately. And yes I do recognize the irony of that.
But despite my YouTube shunning, I have somehow found myself deeply sucked into the vortex of “Shit ____ Say” videos that are sweeping the internets these days. I started with Shit Girls Say, which was pretty funny. But a few clicks on related content later and I stumbled on Shit Black Girls Say at which I guffawed, and then Shit Dudes Say made me nearly wet myself.
Being that I effortlessly stride the line between girl and dude – adopting only the best characteristics of both with none of the bad habits – I’m not really guilty of any of the sayings in any of the videos. But they did get me thinking about the kind of (dumb) shit girls say around me all the time. And since bloggers are nothing if not unoriginal (no that’s not a typo), I figured I’d make my own list of shit girls say.
“I’m too much of a control freak to…”
This is what girls say to justify doing something they should be letting a man do. Like “I’m too much of a control freak to wait for him to ask me out” or ”I’m too much of a control freak to let my husband be the head of the household”. It’s code for “I want to disrupt the natural order of things and make sure everything happens according to the random and unrealistic master plan in my head that makes no sense to anyone but me”.
“I shouldn’t have to….”
As we all know, women shun logic. So when they’re confronted by a difficult situation with an obvious linear solution, they don’t want to do it. That’s no fun for them. Their favourite justification for this is to say they “shouldn’t have to” do whatever the obvious thing is. For example:
Mary: The problem is that my boyfriend doesn’t know that I really like it when he fingers me while eating me out
Sue: Really? How can he not know that? Does he live in this world?
Mary: I don’t know girl. His last girlfriend obviously didn’t train him properly
Sue: Well, maybe you could just tell him that you like it?
Mary: Sigh. Well I guess I could but the thing is…I feel like I shouldn’t have to tell him that you know? He should just know.
“I go off of vibes”
This is a woman’s favourite reason for making bad relationship choices. “Yeah I know the fact that he has three different cell phones and never answers any of them in my presence is probably a sign that he’s up to no good but…I go off of vibes you know? And I just have a really good vibe about him”.
“I guess it’s not as important to him as it is to me”
Here are two things girls love: jumping to conclusions and being passive aggressive. And this little sentence is a big ole ball of both. See women don’t like to ask men why they do or don’t do the things they do, they like to come up with stories in their head. And if the stories paint them as the victim, even better. If a man forgets to pick up ice cream on his way to his girl’s house, it can’t just be because he was preoccupied – it has to be because the ice cream (and the woman waiting for it) is not important enough to him.
“You should just break up with him”
A woman in a relationship will cling to it like a drowning man clings to a life boat. She’s not letting go of that shit for all the tea in China. But a woman observing a relationship from the outside is a different story. Go tell your single girlfriend about how your man left the toilet seat up last night and you nearly fell in and see what she says – “you should just break up with him”. Or tell him he gave you pink roses for your birthday instead of the Fire & Ice roses you really like – “Girl he doesn’t know by now what your favourite flowers are? You should just break up with him?”. Confess to your homegirl that you have a secret crush on your sexy FedEx man despite having a lovely mister at home waiting for you “Oooh girl you should just break up with your man before you cheat on him”.
Girl talk is so fun isn’t it? What other crazy things do girls say? Weigh in with yours in the comments.