A couple of years ago I logged off of life. For about six weeks I didn't go anywhere, didn't see anyone, and didn't speak to my friends beyond "yes I'm okay". I needed complete solitude to complete my mission, which was basically to lie on my bed, stare at the ceiling, and think.
During my hiatus from life I took inventory of my thoughts. I’d recently gone through a big-ish life change and felt like I didn’t know why I did what I did or thought what I thought. And I was desperately worried that I would wake up one day years from then and realize that I’d completely fucked up my life because I’d been operating for years based on a thought that I never really believed.
So I would lie in bed and poke around, examining every thought that crossed my mind. Do I really think this? Where did it come from? Is this true? Is this thought hurting me? And on and on I went until I had examined every single thought that was rattling around my brain.
If you know me in real life, you see why that shit took six weeks.
The years since I did that mental deep dive have been my happiest ever. Once I got rid of my old useless points of view and firmed up my belief in the thoughts that remained, I felt ready for the world again. I made decisions with greater ease and I had fewer regrets.
Lately I’ve been feeling like it’s time for me to reevaluate the contents of my brain again. (I have a half assed theory that the brains of over-thinkers such as myself will spontaneously combust under the weight of all these unnecessary thoughts if you don’t do a thorough clean every now and then). As I mentioned to you guys a while back, my personality is changing and thoughts that used to be hardcoded in my brain are starting to seem obsolete.
Unfortunately these days I don’t have the time (or the inclination) to withdraw from the world and think for weeks on end. I have a job and a life (and a blog) that require attention. So I’ve had to put my self-discovery on a fast track. Since I don’t have the luxury of infinite time I’ve had to invoke some tools to facilitate my enlightenment.
As with everything else that plagues me in life, I’ve been praying on things. That’s my first line of attack for everything from a presentation I’m nervous about to a subway that won’t come to quieting an anxiety attack. But to kick things up a notch, this time I’ve been experimenting with meditation.
Someone once told me that if praying is talking to God, meditation is listening to him. And let me tell you something: apparently I am a shitty fucking listener. Because every time I try to meditate, I get distracted and next thing you know my mind is focused on how many dots are on the leopard on my ring.
This isn’t a new problem. As anyone who knows me knows I’m a bit of a magpie – easily distracted by shiny objects. As it is, I have to pray for focus before I say my prayers, otherwise my thoughts go all the way left. Or south. But add meditation to the mix and we have a crisis situation.
Pretty much every day I sit down in a quiet room. Sometimes in a chair, sometimes on the floor. Sometimes I even lie down – but whoever said you shouldn’t lie down to mediate ain’t never lied #dozingoff. I contort my hands into the position of the day, focus my gaze on my third eye, and wait for disaster to strike.
One minute I’m chanting and the next my thoughts are all over the place. Or I’m visualizing a lightning bolt in the palm of my hands and then my thoughts are all over the place. Or I’m silently chanting sat nam and next thing you know my thoughts are all over the place.
My thoughts are all over the place!
I would have given up altogether by now if not for the fact that every now and then it works. My mind completely blanks out and I feel the power of whatever I’m saying or listening to. I get all tingly and can feel God or the Universe or whatever you want to call it all around me. And as soon as I think “holy shit it’s fucking working! I’m finally breaking through the wall to self-discovery!” the bubble bursts and I’m back in my unenlightened state.
Transcendence is a motherfucker. Did you know this?
One of the things I’ve always loved about living alone is having the freedom to follow a thought to its natural conclusion. The privacy to open my eyes to 10%, stare at the right side of my nose, and chant weird things without ridicule. The space and time to do what I must to get some fucking enlightenment dammit! But instead I’m a prisoner of my random and useless thoughts, struggling to break through to my zen.
What about you guys? Any over-thinkers out there who feel me on this? Do your thoughts get in the way of your thoughts or have you mastered the art of quieting your mind? Commiserate with me – or let me know your secrets – in the comments.
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I’m definitely with you on this. And I swear, for me, there is no holy grounds. Usually I try to zone, could be called daydreaming, I pray probably more than the holiest of christians… either way, it’s only some of the times that whatever it is I’m looking for actually shows itself. When all else fails, I write about it.
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I love everything about this post.
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I TOTALLY understand your plight my friend.
It sounds like you’re doing everything I was going to suggest when I began reading this post except…being consistent. I’m reading a book on Buddhism and it talks about chanting. And the key to it is consistency. If you really desire results, you must be consistent. The book said once in the AM, once in PM at minimum.
And they’re right. I can tell when I haven’t meditated for a while b/c my brain is EVERYWHERE. But when I was at my peak…I could sit in silence for 20 minutes. I just started chanting…but it works wonders for my focus.
So just like you get your ass up to work out, give yourself an extra 5 minutes in the morning and before bed to do your thing.
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Meditation is so hard. But when you get distracted, you’re supposed to just acknowledge the thought but not dwell on it. The only time I have successfully meditated was when I went to a zazen. I did it for thirty minutes total. I was so proud of myself. It’s hard but it’s easier when you do it in a group I think. I plan on going to my kids dojo because the sensi does it there. I can’t seem to pull it together at home yet.
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But when you get distracted, you’re supposed to just acknowledge the thought but not dwell on it
^Yup, I’ve heard this as well. And waht’s a “zazen”?
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Buddhist meditation sittings. It’s really nice. I can’t seem to make them to often but I like going to them. We sit for I think 10 minutes at a time and my knees be killin me! But if I move into a position where I am not trying to tune out the pain I fall asleep lol.
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“Someone once told me that if praying is talking to God, meditation is listening to him.”
Oooh, I like this! Gotta save it in the memory banks. And speaking of which…
As if I can fit anymore in there!! I feel you on this, Max. My mind runs 50-lem miles a minute, with a thousand hunnid trillion things at once. Anyone who follows me on Twitter knows the random things that go through my head. LOL
I’ve always been a daydreamer so I definitely get lost in my own head. Which is a recipe for overthinking. I’ve talked myself outta so many (possibly) good things that I wanna rip my hair out thinking back on it. I’m slowly learning not to let the crazy get the best of me. I mean, one example of something I almost talked myself out of was going to that first Miami trip with YOU guys. And LAWD would that have been a huge mistake.
I’ve tried meditation before, but I agree with LaLa with that consistency is key. That’s probably where I’m failing. I definitely wanna do it more. It’s beneficial.
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Try yoga. I’ve tried the deep breath, ‘find your mental happy place’, sit still for a 3 minutes meditation, and I just can’t get into it. The only time that I can successfully meditate is during yoga class. After every yoga class, we take about 10 minutes to mediate on the day or whatever joy/peace/happiness concept the instructor is spouting and I couldn’t be more pleased with the results. For the longest, I thought my brain was broken and I would forever be unable to meditate and play video games, but . Here’s what I do; as the instructor is leading out of yoga poses and into meditation, I lie on my back, breath slow and deep, mentally place myself on the beach (it’s my place of peace) , and meditate. I’ve been doing it for 6 months now and it works wonders. If I can’t get to class, I go through a couple of vinyasa’s in my living room and that seems to help me get into meditation.
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Yeah I’m kind of the same way. Now that I think of it, the only time I’m really able to zone out is when I’m working out, whether it’s yoga or strength training. That’s pretty much the only thing I can do without getting distracted by randomness. Hmmm, I never realized this before but I feel like I may have discovered the answer to something…
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“As it is, I have to pray for focus before I say my prayers, otherwise my thoughts go all the way left. Or south.”
I thought it was just me. Sigh. I know I need to meditate, but I have ever been able to… and since I’ve never even had that ONE moment of enlightenment from it? It’s even harder to commit to it!
I need some breathing room too. And I’m going to take it, soon.
Thanks for writing even when you don’t feel like Max.
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You and I are going to a yoga class when I’m back in the DMV. We’ll make sure to find one heavy on the meditation!
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I think I need to take a hiatus. I am definitely an over thinker and I know I need to do what you did and figure some ish out. I’ve been slacking on my prayers and doing yoga but one thing I know is that I suck at meditating…after a while I just fall asleep it doesn’t even matter if I’m sitting up or laying down.
p.s.
I know I’m late but I’m loving the new look!
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