Ask Max is my weekly advice column where I respond to readers' sex, dating, and relationship questions and the max-logic fam weighs in with their own advice. If you have a question that you need help with, click the Ask Max button at the top of the page and fill in the form. There's even an anonymous feature for those of you who are shy.
This week on Ask Max we have a question from a woman whose friend is going through a divorce and has gone buck wild. The original question is as long as fuck so I cut it down (you can see the full version here). Read on for the problem and my advice:
I am a 33 year old who went through an awful breakup and divorce almost four years ago. At the time, the majority of my friends were married with families so I pretty much had to figure out how to get through my breakup by myself. Along the way I dated a couple of men, two whom I could have cared less about, but one whom I have a past with, and even though romantically it didn’t work out, I consider him to be one of my best friends.
Very recently a very good friend of mine also began going through a divorce after ten years of marriage, and I feel like my friend has lost her shit. She is out here for real. I have tried to talk to her and whenever I have a conflicting opinion on anything she does, she gets extremely angry at me.
She recently informed me that one of the men that I had dated for a while and introduced her to was texting and calling her asking her out. I stayed non-committal and reminded her of all the drama that we had been through and basically told her that if she wanted to talk to him I didn’t care. About two weeks later she comes to me and asks point blank if it is ok if she sleeps with another one of the men I dated. This one is her ex-husband’s cousin, and I told her that really whether or not we slept together is irrelevant once you consider the grimier aspects of the whole thing. She got upset with me and things got really strained after that.
After that, I was on Facebook and noticed messages between her and the one guy I did really care about- message that indicated that they were already sleeping together. I pretty much ended all contact with her at that point, because I was so hurt, I was afraid that I would say something I couldn’t take back.I spoke to him, and was really rudely put down by him, talking about how I always play the victim and blah blah blah. A few days later I get a message from her saying that she knew our friendship was going downhill and that if I wanted to talk to her I knew how to reach her. I have not talked to her since.
After all that, I guess my question is- Did I make the right decision? Having gone through a divorce myself, I realize that it is not an easy thing. I should be there for my friend. At the same time, I am hurt and angry beyond belief. I am so confused. I would have given anything for the support of someone who had been through what I was going through during my divorce. Please Help! I don’t want to spread this among my friends, because I don’t want to hurt her rep the way she seems to be hurting mine, but I really need advice.
Girl, since your question was long I’m going to keep my answer short. First of all, your girl is a hot mess and a straight up hater. The fact that she seems to be making it her business to hit all your leftovers suggests to me that she has been lowkey jealous of you and wanting what you had for a long time. And now that she’s free, she’s going for hers. As long as she’s in this phase, it’s unlikely that you two will be able to have any kind of quality friendship.
That being said though, I must point out that you’re wrong for telling her that it was okay for her to talk to your ex when it so clearly was not. She took the time to ask you for your blessing and you gave her the green light when you didn’t mean it and then you got mad. Honey you’re grown and you have to learn to use your words and say “hell naw it’s not okay for you to smash my ex!”. You basically robbed her of the opportunity to be a good friend by being dishonest.
That being said, your girl is grimy as all the fucks right now. And I know you want to be there to show her the way and all that, but she clearly isn’t listening to a thing you have to say. And you can only help those who want to be helped, so you need to let go and let her find her way. If she’s smart. she’ll come back to you once she’s gotten her #hoeshit out of her system.
It’s no good for your carfax to be seen running the streets with her when she’s in this phase anyway.
That’s my take on it – what say you guys? Should she stick it out and be there for her friend? Or was she right to remove herself from the situation? Weigh in with your take on it in the comments.