Eff Yo Video Game!

effyogame

That something is Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3.

These video game widows used to be in relationships. Some of them happy, some of them maybe not so much. But either way, they used to have a man in their lives to talk to and laugh with and worry about. And fuck. When they got home from a long workday, there used to be a a vibrant smiling man there to play with. Until that fucking game along and shitted things up.

These women now come home to blank eyed, cramped fingered lumps of clay whose asses appear to be permanently welded to the couch. Who can barely spare half a glance in their direction before returning their attention to the screen, screaming “YES! DID YOU SEE THAT KILL?!?” to one of their compatriots via the headset that is permanently affixed to their heads.

These women used to have men. Now they have overgrown teenage boys who are so obsessed with their pointstreaks that they can’t put their controllers down long enough to throw a fuck into their girls.

And I am here to tell you this: if you are one of these men, you are failing at life.

Say for example you go away for 5 days just as this retarded game was released, during which time you do not talk to your girl at all. When you return from your trip, your first priority should not be to throw on your geeky light-up headset and crack open your game because you need to “get caught up”, it should be to PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR GIRL. And no, letting her watch you play via video chat while you scream your head off every time you get killed does not count as paying attention to your girl.

That’s just a random example pulled from my ass that in no way reflects what is going on in my own life :-/

Anyway!

As I was saying, you men need to get some perspective about your shit and you need to do it quickfast and in a hurry. In no way, shape, or form is it okay for you to be logging eight hours a day on this fucking game and 15 minutes with your girl. That shit is backwards. Before you log into XBox Live, I need to you to ask yourself “when is the last time I logged into my girl’s pussy?”.

Get your house in order my dudes.

Now before I lose every last cool girl point I ever had, let me say this: I’m not really mad at your game. I’m sure it’s cool and fun and interesting and shit. And I’m sure clocking serious hours per week playing it does amazing things to your hand-eye coordination. I can imagine that playing it while squawking into your headset with all your boys is a major bonding experience and I’m sure all those kills you rack up makes you feel very manly. Yeah yeah yeah – some amazing and wonderful things probably happen when you play your fucking stupid ass game. I get that. I support that. There are worse ways you could be spending your time.

However.

I need you men to realize that while you’re sitting in front of your tv communing with Yuri and attempting to apprehend Makarov, there is a world going on around you that requires your attention. And before you plop your ass down in front of the television to deploy Team Metal to Hamburg to rescue the U.S. Vice President from a hostage situation (God this shit is really just so stupid), you need to do your due diligence with your girl. Can you maybe take an hour out of your day to look at her with both eyes rather than throwing quick glances at her while obsessively looking back at your screen? Could you talk to her, and actually listen to her responses rather than interrupting her every six seconds to scream your head off at whatever bullshit just happened on your screen? Could you maybe get up off your duff when she walks into the room and – oh I don’t know – maybe hug her? Greet her with something better than an unintelligible grunt? Oh and I know this is just a pipe dream, but do you think you could take an hour away from your game to actually HAVE SEX WITH YOUR GIRL before devoting your entire evening to this fucking asinine game?

Is this really asking too much?

Men, listen to me. Your ridiculous obsession with this game is creating a coterie of women who are starving for affection. And while under normal circumstances I’d caution you that a woman who is starving for attention is highly susceptible to the attentions of another man, let’s be real – there are no men to be found these days because they’re all playing this fucking stupid ass game. But that doesn’t mean you’re in the clear. Because while you and every man you know is off fighting World War III,  your girl is stewing in her juices. And on that mythical magical majestical day when you finally beat that game, when you avenge Soap and kill Makarov once and for all (Lord it is so fucking dumb), you know what you’re left with? A fucking cranky bitch that you created and you now have to deal with. And no one wants that.

So men I beg you – play your game if that’s what you’re into. But handle your business with your girl first. Find a way to divide your attention between Captain Soap and Wifey and end the cycle of video game widowhood once and for all.

Oh and if you are actually paying for Call of Duty Elite service I need you to break up with your girl and log off of life immediately. You are obviously not fit for human consumption.

But what say you guys? Ladies is your man paying more attention to Captain Price than he is to you or is that just Mr. Max? Men – are you fucking your girls before you turn on your XBox? Anyone out there effing this game with me? Speak your piece in the comments.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 31

  1. Candi says:

    OMG!!! *tear* This is beautiful!! I’m at a lost for words….

    No, really, I’m not!! I’m so sick of that damn game!!! And you are absolutely right, everything was typed to perfection. OMG! and don’t get me started on the Elite. Trust me when I say that if Call of Duty is already like a second job to your man, oh he’s going to buy that bullshit and feed you with dreams of getting rich quick because he is just sooo damn good *rolls eyes* whatever!! Yeah, I could go on all day about how embaressing it is to have to wait for at least a week to get dick from a man that you lay with every night, that is, after he has finished fucking his xbox first. geez!!

    ok I need to go take a smoke break…

  2. JusMe says:

    I understand this. My best friend tweeted around 12:30 the night COD came out that they never lied when they said COD kills relationships #dead. Her fiance sits in his “mancave” all day. ALL DAY. Now, my boyfriend (her brother) plays with him when we’re over there. But at home, he almost never plays video games. He’ll play NCAA Basketball occasionally, if I’m busy doing something else. But I’m soooo glad I don’t have to deal with this video game issue with him. Especially, COD. He’ll play it with his brother and friends sometimes but he says he prefers sports games. Yay to the fact that I have a rare one that doesn’t live for video games… Now, this football season on the other hand… Lord help me on the weekends…

    1. max says:

      I know right? Being a football widow is one thing. But they want to make us video game widows too?!? No sir!

      1. keisha brown says:

        a football widow??
        man…just learn the sport! you wont be sorry!!

  3. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….

    I just filed for divorce from you today. You’ll be served later.

  4. Sula says:

    First time commenting, but I had to come out and say a big THANK YOU for this post! OMG, I friggin’ hate Call of Duty right now. Lol. I mean this ish is so serious, I am currently packing to move continents and the only thing this man is worried about is whether or not I was able to get his MW3, Drake 3 and Battlefield. Negro what???? Lol. If it’s not spending hours, and hours talking trash to his boys while playing FIFA 12. I swear the life of a video game widow is no cake walk. And thanks for standing up for all of us, so I won’t have to kill somebody’s son. :lol:

    In fact, let me forward this to this hubby of mine.

    p.s: I have nothing against normal gaming. Gaming that lets me stewing in my own juices? BAD! :)

  5. Dash says:

    *Takes break from NBA 2K12 to respond*
    “Yeah honey that’s crazy. You need to check her.*
    *Unpauses game and continues quest for quadruple double with my 6’7″ PF*

  6. chunk says:

    I’m torn,lol.

    I feel the same way about football days though… I like football and certainly don’t mind moving entirely out the way for entire games… when you talk about alllll day long? Neither football nor video games should be taking that much time…. and can you please stop to give me some… especially since I don’t mind quickies… so there’s no excuse, really.

    however…. um….. lol

    I have been stuck in video game land a few times in life when I first got a game I loved… and my ex dealt with it…. so I never complain now because I totally get it….

    lol

    1. keisha brown says:

      NFL all day/all night.
      Sometimes on Thursdays. and Saturdays. LOL

  7. Malik says:

    Man’s not allowed to have a hobby? I don’t understand this though. Women done PLENTY of things on their own that ignore their partner, but they’re being independent and liberated women when they do? It usually costs far more money than a video game obsession and yields less time used.

    1. You don’t get it. Women don’t want you to do anything that causes you enjoyment that doesn’t also include them. If you have fun without your woman, she will make you feel guilty and hold it over your head. This whole post and the comments are so funny to me, because there’s a shitload of stuff women do independently. And if you tried to stand in the way of that, she’d stab you in your eyeballs.

    2. max says:

      Tell me – what comparable thing do women do that excludes men the way video games exclude women?
      It’s not so much that I doubt you as that – since I don’t date women – I truly can’t think of a thing.

      Please tell me what passtime women have that sucks up hours and mental energy the way video games do?

      1. That’s the point, you don’t have ONE thing that does it, you have a litany of things that have a cumulative effect of not including us. The difference is, we don’t make a big deal about it.

        Nor do we give a fuck.

        All the time most women spend gossiping on the phone, shopping, girls night outing, and watching reality television excludes us, mostly because we have no interest in participating. That’s shit that y’all do and we leave y’all to it.

        Video games are a hobby, a hobby that we enjoy. We’re supposed to penalize ourselves because YOU can’t participate? We don’t play video games to participate with YOU, that’s shit that WE do. YOU need to find something else that doesn’t revolve around me when I’m doing something that doesn’t revolve around you.

        If you’re feeling neglected ALL the time, that’s an entirely different issue, but that isn’t something to blame on a video game. Either HE don’t want to deal with you at that moment or YOU need to find ways to enjoy life that don’t involve another person. If a man works all day, pays all his bills on time, and does other “normal” behavior and isn’t, for lack of a better term, a fuck nigga, I fail to see why you should interfere with HIS hobby.

        Max, you know I love you and I back you up on most of the shit you say, but this post screams “I don’t want him paying attention to anything else but me” and it reads insecure as fuck. Not that I’m calling YOU insecure, just telling you how the post comes across to ME.

        Peace.

        1. max says:

          But this isn’t about needing to be the only thing a man pays attention to. It’s not about killing a man’s joy or robbing him of his hobbies. It’s about balance.

          If as a man you walk into your house after work and head straight for your video games without so much as throwing a hello to your woman, I’m sorry but something is wrong with you. And if you’re doing that day after day after day because your singular focus in life is to master a game then I’m sorry but you need to take several seats.

          And I’m sorry again but if you’re a man whose woman is saying she feels neglected by you and you brush that off as neediness or insecurity without considering whether your behaviour is contributing to that feeling then you’re kind of an ass.

          Call it insecure, call it what you want, but if a man is spending more time with his XBox than he is with his woman, something is wrong there. Full stop.

          1. chunk says:

            Cosign. Cuz it cain’t be that serious… if she’s upset, you need to take action… or at least stop and consider the validity. I’ve been on the other side…. Harvest Moon… and almost Epic Mickey… a couple days got a pass after that? Ahem.

        2. Malik says:

          All this AND there are actually a great many fun video games you can play together or take turns playing. Gossiping, shopping, concerts by most people you love, seminars about most stuff you’re interested in, etc. are NEVER going to fun us.

  8. you gotta chill sometimes max. while he’s playing video games you know exactly where he is. at home. at least he’s not out with some other woman. sure he could be paying you more attention but perhaps the game is more interesting than you are at that very moment. that’s when you do things to make sure he keeps his attention on you if you get my drift.

    *disclaimer* i dont play video games. lol

  9. MilanRouge says:

    Are video games strictly a “man thing” though? I grew up in a household of guys (brothers and dad) and used to play them back in the day and actually enjoy watching my dad and brothers play them now. Once my attention span is gone with it…I go find something else to do. Yah I don’t see the big deal. I will say that as long as the man is balancing time spent with his SO well and handling his business on the homefront, workfront, etc. shouldn’t be a problem. Please have some hobbies that don’t include you being “up under” (no pun intended) me all the time. For real. Cuz I really don’t want you coming shopping with me, or coming me with me when I get my pedis or nagging me when I’m getting my hair done or tagging along when I go have drinks with my girls, etc. etc. Outside interests are healthy and vital for a relationship.

  10. At the end of the day and no matter the source, neglecting your significant other for any reason isn’t the move. While I do consider myself a gamer, I do not let it trump my relationship, because building that is paramount to turning on my PS3. At the same time she understands that I enjoy it and it’s how I unwind after a long day of school and work…an hour or two and I’m good.

    I believe that if it were almost any other activity that was impeding on QT, this article would have never been written. There may be some deeper issues here that need to be ironed out. It’s not mind control, it’s a conscious decision to sit there hours on end. There’s a problem, the X-box is not the root of it.

    1. Malik says:

      Well video games are still tied with ‘abnormal’ and anti-social behavior. Even if there was considerably less time spent there would still be a great many side-eyes given. I say this as an avid NFL fan and otaku (hate that term), I’ve been told to do better things with my time when telling people I’m watching an anime (even if it may only compose 5-7 hours of my week) than I have for watching football all Sunday, Monday Night Football, watching 15 different NFL breakdowns across 4 different networks, reading NFL blogs, and participating in Fantasy Football.

      1. Good points. There are those people who understand that some of us don’t subscribe to “normal” pastimes, and those who try to shame those into changing them. You would think folks are too grown for this type of shit.

  11. Reecie says:

    I’m glad to say I’ve never been with a guy thats really into video games. I have dealt with football fanatics, however. I just deal.

    I’m sorry for everyone being neglected due to this game.

  12. ddddd says:

    i guess im weird… i play the game with him.. but he equally watches my favourite tv shows with me. so i dont mind the game. its fun within reason.

  13. 2mques says:

    I like Max and compared to other girls, she’s special because she actually has “tasted” the red pill; but every once in awhile, she suffers from indigestion and throws up, falling back into girly mode…I’m here to shove the red pill down her throat again.

    Now, for most of you ladies, it would appear that you’re losing the competition for your man’s attention to games, and you’re mad; shoot you’re upset, you probably feel like pulling a Madea, and using a chain saw to cut that XBOX or PS3 in half…all understandable, but in order to understand what’s going on, you need some philosophy in your life.

    Imagine every week, you were given a gift card to a nearby mall to go on an all-out shopping spree with no limit on how much you can spend. The rules are that you can only use the gift card @ a few stores at first; however, the more you buy, the more shops you can go to, and eventually the more malls you can go to…How much time do you think you’d invest in shopping? Probably an entire weekend? In fact, you’d probably wake up early just to beat the traffic, because other women have the gift card as well.

    The reason why you’d shut your life for the mall shopping thing, is you know that by simply driving to the mall, and being willing to fight through mobs of other women, you can get anything you want! You have an incentive to work and show-up. This is what’s going on with your men. Video games provide a huge incentive for showing up and putting in work (playing), the incentive is success and points. Now games are interesting, because they do what too many women have lost the art of doing; they’ve been able to figure out a way of keeping men interested without wearing them out or discouraging them. Philosophically, they’ve figured out the formula for creating the right mix of challenge and incentive which every woman is trying to do nowadays, but most are god-awful at.

    If you want your man to give you attention, learn from your so called enemy. Women could learn more about men and having successful relationships, if they understood the PHILOSOPHY of games and why it keeps their men so preoccupied. Learn from XBOX and PlayStation and you might actually never need advice from any man ever again. Or you could just break his console, but be careful, many women have had early obituaries for such violations.

    Good Luck to you!

    1. ddddd says:

      good analogy

      as for the “early obituaries” part, some girls didn’t even get that far less a marked grave for violating a mans console i’ve heard some ugly tales. violating a console will earn you a burial plot in the unsanctified portion of the cemetery by the infant births and suicides if even that. x_x

      1. ddddd says:

        infant deaths*

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