Intimate Acts


Those people are fucking wrong.

Yes it’s true that in the pre-relationship stage, the balance of importance between what’s inside and what’s outside swings in favour of the outside. As you get to know one another and feelings build and bonds strengthen, externals matter less than they did before. That’s just logic and common sense. But like I’ve told you guys before, that doesn’t mean that you can just pack it in and stop worrying about what your partner sees when s/he looks at you.

Just as there are things we must always do to maintain our sexiness in our partners’ eyes, so are there things that we must never ever let them see. I do not care how long you have been together, I don’t care how comfortable you are. I don’t care how much your shit transcends the physical. Unless you are infirm, there is just some shit that your partner does not need to see. Full stop.

And here is the list:

Intensive grooming

Grooming is important, and I support any woman who is diy with her ish. The cost of regular trips to the spa adds up quickfast so if you’re team kitchen beautician I am not mad at you for it. However. Short of wrapping your hair or painting your nails (in both the Suki and the Cheekie senses of the word), your partner should not bear witness to the trials you have to go to to achieve your state of sexiness. Grooming is a private act – it’s not meant to be done with an audience. So there is no reason for your partner to see you doing any of the following:

1. removing hair from your private parts
2. extracting blackheads or popping pimples
3. removing or installing weave
4. inserting or removing anything that goes in your vagina – this includes but is not limited to diva cups, nuva rings, and tampons
2. giving yourself a home pedicure. Trust me, the only person who should be seeing the amount of dead skin that flies off your crusty heels is the person you’re paying to remove it

Working out

I was waffling on this back in the Spectacular Asshole days, but I am now 100% firm in my stance on this. Unless you are going to the gym together and working out together as one of those fun coupley activities, there is no reason for you to allow your partner to watch you work out. The grunting, wincing, wailing, and most importantly sweating that goes on in your workouts is your private time to commune with your body. It’s not meant to be an interactive activity. Post-workout is one thing – that glowy flush is hawtness and don’t sleep on the seductive power of the post-workout stretch, but the actual workout should be between you and your God.

Girl talk

I know as well as anyone the amazingness that happens when girlfriends get together. Almost nothing in life beats the singular joy of a lazy afternoon with your girls talking about everything and nothing. It’s amazing, it’s restorative, it’s powerful. However. No woman should ever allow her man to witness this phenomenon. Listen to me ladies – they cannot handle it. Two bad things happen when a man witnesses girl talk: 1. They listen to what amounts to a bunch of birds squawking about seemingly unimportant shit and they get all morally superior like they don’t do their share of talking foolishness when their time comes. And that is just obnoxious. 2. It gets the little wheels spinning in their brains wondering what you would be saying if they weren’t there.  And that’s just annoying. So keep your girl talk confined to your girl time when no men are present. They don’t need to see it.


As in, number one’s and number two’s. I thought this went without saying, I really did. But a certain man told me recently that his last girl regularly dropped deuces in front of him and he didn’t seem at all fazed by the utter abomination of it. Listen to me: don’t let his lackadaisical reaction fool you. Expressing waste from your body is a singular act. It is private and never meant to be done in front of an audience. Never. So unless the two of you are members of the golden shower or dirty sanchez club, do this alone. Preferably when your wo/man is not home.

This also applies to passing gas. I know men will always do it and never feel a way about it but it’s still wrong. But you know, boys will be boys and whatnot. But let me find out one of my female readers is cutting cheese in front of her man and thinking it’s okay….

Digging for gold

Listen to me closely: any time you have to go looking inside your body for something it’s a private act. That’s your rule of thumb. So if you’re digging out your nose for whatever reason, do it alone. Squeezing out ingrown hairs, cysts, or boils? Do it alone. Trying to get to that part of the fibre suppository that didn’t dissolve all the way? Do it alone!

Brushing your teeth

This is where I lose like 98% of you but I don’t care. I think watching someone brush their teeth – or allowing someone to watch me brush my teeth – is the most disgusting thing ever. And what’s more, I think you all are wrong if you don’t feel me on this. Removing dirt from your mouth should be a solitary act. I mean really – why does anyone need to see you do this? You can’t talk, fuck, or give head while you’re doing it, and do not even try to tell me it’s sexy to watch it. It’s gross and it’s not a social occasion. So do it by yourself and just share the benefits with your partner.

So that’s my list. What do you guys think? Are there things you won’t let your partner see or do you have more of an open book approach? What other acts should only be done when your partner is not looking? Speak on it in the comments.




bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 16

  1. Chispi says:

    Hell. Yes.

    I hate it when my boyfriend goes into the bathroom while I’m brushing my teeth and just STANDS THERE. Chilling. WHY? I don’t mind seeing him do it, but me? It is unattractive, dirty, and I sound like an idiot if he asks me something and I have to try to mumble around my toothbrush or a glob of toothpaste.

    All the rest too, I completely agree. Keep a little mystery, keep it sexy. There is no need to expose such a solitary, and private side of yourself. There are things nobody but YOU needs to see. Others can enjoy the benefits. Specially for the ladies, let the men think its just magic. They LIKE a little mystery, if they wanted to know about all these things they would also want to know about the details of menstruation and whatnot. And guess what? They DON’T.

  2. Amos Banks says:

    My wife has taken to passing gas around me and you are absolutely right. And I have always hated watching others brush their teeth going back to when I shared a bathroom with my brother. Soon as my wife grabs the toothbrush I’m out.

  3. Malik says:

    Yo Maxie, the ‘you may also like’ thing is fucking awesome.

    1. Snarkychic says:

      I agree when it first popped out I was like what is this thing trying to obstruct my view and then I saw it was littered with other posts I may enjoy. Pure genius!

  4. Krystal Light says:

    Giiiirl. I don’t even want to reveal just how much I fail in this part of life. I used to be very good at keeping things like this to myself. Whenever I went to the bathroom I used to run the water so he couldn’t hear me pee or anything. His parents used to CLOWN me so hard for that. But of course over the years, things have gotten lax. I will point out a double standard though. I can be in the bathroom doing something, combing hair or whatever and he’ll just come in there and bust out peeing. But if I ever try to do that he acts like I’ve killed somebody. NOT FAIR! The funny thing is I agree with this list but I don’t really abide by it. I told a couple of friends I don’t like my hubs seeing me workout. I couldn’t really explain why though and they thought that was ridiculous but I did it once and now it doesn’t seem so bad. He even joined in and that’s encouraging.

  5. Snarkychic says:

    LOL Max,

    This list is truth on so many levels. In particular the grooming piece. Grooming is a journey for one. And while I understand that sharing is caring, that level of sharing will lead to no where good of this I’m 82.9% sure.

    The crazy thing is this guy that I’m dating now swears the true sign of love if when you can perform the numbers in particular the second act in front of your significant other. I explained to him that that isn’t love it’s disgusting. We will have to agree to disagree on this one.

  6. miss_tee says:

    I agree with everything!

  7. BP says:

    I love this list…well except for the teeth brushing thing Maxie. LOL. I just want to know what kind of woman does number 2 around her man? I was with my ex (off and on) for several years and he never heard me pass gas or see me on the toilet. IMHO, doing those types of things are just not lady like.

  8. Elle says:

    This list is perfection!!! Who in the hell takes a dump in front of somebody eles??!! Just..ewww! Leave a little mystery to the relationship..please and thanks.

  9. Candi says:

    I have to say that I FAILed this list. LOL!! Only what I consider the minors: brushing teeth, grooming and whatnot. Bathroom endeavors are indeed a private matter though. That place can be a whirlwind of terrors 😉 I’m sure most women would agree.

    Not to gross anyone out though, I did find it to be rather endearing after my c-section how my S/O helped bathe me and actually wiped my ass for me. I was grossed out by it but I really didn’t have much of a choice. He acted as the nurse when they weren’t around. LOL! Some things can be beyond your control.

    Soooo, from here on out, I pledge to abide by the Laws of “Intimate Acts” smh LOL!!!

    1. Kema says:

      Girl I totally understand! I had a C-section and yea my ex had to become very comfy with my body and its inner workings.

  10. GirlSixx says:

    “I think watching someone brush their teeth – or allowing someone to watch me brush my teeth – is the most disgusting thing ever”

    Max, I am so with you on this!! #Ugh

    Nothing sexy at all about that. It grosses me out to the point I tell them to close the door because I refuse to listen to you gagging/gargling and snorting and I always do the same (close the damn door)

  11. GirlSixx says:

    It’s funny though because once you are married a whole lot of these “things I won’t don’t in front of my……” goes right out the window as time passes. When you are married you become comfortable with each other to the point it seems like the bathroom no longer has a door, it just stays open number 1 and sometimes number 2 (especially if you two are knee deep in conversation) *lol* Gone are the days when you would get outta bed in the middle of the night, run to the bathroom, turn the water on just so you can let one loose and fan yourself around to get rid of the aroma……

    Married just makes everything a little more tolerable and acceptable but my biggest eeck was always that brushing teeth in front of me thing, my stomach could never handle it.

  12. Nia says:

    I’m glad that we share the same sentiments on these points.

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