There are a great many people who believe that the best part about being in a relationship is the ability to just relax and be yourself. To let go of airs and pretensions, relinquish our best behaviour, and just let it all hang loose. To stop strategizing, stop worrying about what our partners might think, and stop fixating on appearances and just let go.
Those people are fucking wrong.
Yes it’s true that in the pre-relationship stage, the balance of importance between what’s inside and what’s outside swings in favour of the outside. As you get to know one another and feelings build and bonds strengthen, externals matter less than they did before. That’s just logic and common sense. But like I’ve told you guys before, that doesn’t mean that you can just pack it in and stop worrying about what your partner sees when s/he looks at you.
Just as there are things we must always do to maintain our sexiness in our partners’ eyes, so are there things that we must never ever let them see. I do not care how long you have been together, I don’t care how comfortable you are. I don’t care how much your shit transcends the physical. Unless you are infirm, there is just some shit that your partner does not need to see. Full stop.
And here is the list:
Grooming is important, and I support any woman who is diy with her ish. The cost of regular trips to the spa adds up quickfast so if you’re team kitchen beautician I am not mad at you for it. However. Short of wrapping your hair or painting your nails (in both the Suki and the Cheekie senses of the word), your partner should not bear witness to the trials you have to go to to achieve your state of sexiness. Grooming is a private act – it’s not meant to be done with an audience. So there is no reason for your partner to see you doing any of the following:
1. removing hair from your private parts
2. extracting blackheads or popping pimples
3. removing or installing weave
4. inserting or removing anything that goes in your vagina – this includes but is not limited to diva cups, nuva rings, and tampons
2. giving yourself a home pedicure. Trust me, the only person who should be seeing the amount of dead skin that flies off your crusty heels is the person you’re paying to remove it
I was waffling on this back in the Spectacular Asshole days, but I am now 100% firm in my stance on this. Unless you are going to the gym together and working out together as one of those fun coupley activities, there is no reason for you to allow your partner to watch you work out. The grunting, wincing, wailing, and most importantly sweating that goes on in your workouts is your private time to commune with your body. It’s not meant to be an interactive activity. Post-workout is one thing – that glowy flush is hawtness and don’t sleep on the seductive power of the post-workout stretch, but the actual workout should be between you and your God.
I know as well as anyone the amazingness that happens when girlfriends get together. Almost nothing in life beats the singular joy of a lazy afternoon with your girls talking about everything and nothing. It’s amazing, it’s restorative, it’s powerful. However. No woman should ever allow her man to witness this phenomenon. Listen to me ladies – they cannot handle it. Two bad things happen when a man witnesses girl talk: 1. They listen to what amounts to a bunch of birds squawking about seemingly unimportant shit and they get all morally superior like they don’t do their share of talking foolishness when their time comes. And that is just obnoxious. 2. It gets the little wheels spinning in their brains wondering what you would be saying if they weren’t there. And that’s just annoying. So keep your girl talk confined to your girl time when no men are present. They don’t need to see it.
As in, number one’s and number two’s. I thought this went without saying, I really did. But a certain man told me recently that his last girl regularly dropped deuces in front of him and he didn’t seem at all fazed by the utter abomination of it. Listen to me: don’t let his lackadaisical reaction fool you. Expressing waste from your body is a singular act. It is private and never meant to be done in front of an audience. Never. So unless the two of you are members of the golden shower or dirty sanchez club, do this alone. Preferably when your wo/man is not home.
This also applies to passing gas. I know men will always do it and never feel a way about it but it’s still wrong. But you know, boys will be boys and whatnot. But let me find out one of my female readers is cutting cheese in front of her man and thinking it’s okay….
Digging for gold
Listen to me closely: any time you have to go looking inside your body for something it’s a private act. That’s your rule of thumb. So if you’re digging out your nose for whatever reason, do it alone. Squeezing out ingrown hairs, cysts, or boils? Do it alone. Trying to get to that part of the fibre suppository that didn’t dissolve all the way? Do it alone!
Brushing your teeth
This is where I lose like 98% of you but I don’t care. I think watching someone brush their teeth – or allowing someone to watch me brush my teeth – is the most disgusting thing ever. And what’s more, I think you all are wrong if you don’t feel me on this. Removing dirt from your mouth should be a solitary act. I mean really – why does anyone need to see you do this? You can’t talk, fuck, or give head while you’re doing it, and do not even try to tell me it’s sexy to watch it. It’s gross and it’s not a social occasion. So do it by yourself and just share the benefits with your partner.
So that’s my list. What do you guys think? Are there things you won’t let your partner see or do you have more of an open book approach? What other acts should only be done when your partner is not looking? Speak on it in the comments.