As those of you who know me in "real" life know, there have been a lot of changes going on in my world in the last couple of months. They've all been good changes, but one way or another they've all wreaked havoc on my life as I knew it. As the world of max has expanded to incorporate a whole bunch of goodness, certain essential things are falling by the wayside.
In short, I’m fucking up.
Shit is not getting done in my house. There are clothes everywhere and the same 7 dishes have been sitting in my sink for longer than I care to tell you. My laundry is out of control. I go to the grocery store almost every day and yet I’ve been out of light bulbs, garbage bags, and parchment paper for weeks. I’m either so distracted by all the shiny pretty things in my life, or so tired by the time those things are taking up, that I absolutely cannot be arsed to do things like boil my whites or replace the batteries in my smoke detector.
Yeah casa maxfab is in a bit of a shambles right now.
It’s bad at work too. I’m finally in a place that encourages thought and experimentation, where I have the power to say “Yes. Let’s do this” and have it be done, and I’m so overwhelmed by the possibilities that I don’t know where to start. The combination of literally being able to feel my brain expand with everything that I’m learning and being overwhelmed by the vastness of all that I still don’t know leads me to a kind of inertia that I haven’t experienced in a really long time. All day long my brain spins with all the things I want to learn and do and try to the point where I end up doing nothing at all.
Then there’s my friends. The far away friends I adore but haven’t spoken to in centuries. My gchat buddies who haven’t seen hide nor hair of my little green available light. The nearby friends I never ever see. My nieces and nephews, cousins and aunties whom I never talk to. I’m just…caught up with my life right now and despite all the love in my heart that I have for these people, I’m really just not being present in these relationships. I fire off quick “hi I love you I’m thinking about you” texts or tweet them enthusiastic hello’s, but it takes more than that to sustain relationships and I am just not doing my part.
And then there is this blog. As I’m sure you guys have noticed, I’m fucking things up around here big time. I’m tired, I’m unmotivated, I’m without direction. Let me be real – I’m phoning it in a lot of the time. And while you guys are awesome and no one is saying “hey Max you’re fucking up”, the numbers and the low numbers of comments don’t lie so I know you see it too.
So yeah, Max is failing at life these days. It happens – it’s not the first time and I’m sure it won’t be the last. And I’m okay with that. It’s just so tiring sometimes being on top of things. I am so tired! It takes so much work and energy to be a functioning adult and right now I am just burned the fuck out.
What I need to do better at is asking for help when I need it. I need to learn to say “please come keep me company while I get my house in order” if that’s what I need. To ask my boss “what should my next project be?” when I can’t decide. To give my friends a better explanation than “there’s too much going on” when I vanish from life. And to say “hey readers, I need a week off to recharge” rather than slapping up shit and expecting you guys to swallow it. Instead of allowing myself to be sucked into the vortex of fucking-up-ness I need to learn to say “Hey! I’m drowning here! Do you mind throwing me one of those thingies that people hold on to to stop them from drowning?”.
In short, I need to not be such a fuck up at fucking up.
There is no point to this post really – except to acknowledge to you and to myself and to the universe that I need to do better. But tell me – do you guys ever get like this? Ever look up one day and realize you’re dropping several balls (pause?) at once and have no idea which one to reach for? How do you get yourselves out of this kind of rut? Give me some tips in the comments.
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I can’t wait for the tips to come in becaus I also feel te same way. Comforting to know I’m not the only one…
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You just wrote my life…this house feels like it’s eating me…
Real talk, I’m about to do what any self respecting woman does in this situation…
*dials phone*
“Mommy…?”
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I call my mom when I have a cold. lol I’m like I’m dying what should I do? I’m 35 soon to be 36 lol.
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You know what? *e-hug* *strokes max’s hair* We understand and we will not hate you if you take some time off. Maybe you can get some guest posters to hold the site over until you can get a handle on things. And the house? Just throw away those seven dishes and go buy some new undies.
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Oh and you boil your whites?
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I do yes, greatest thing I ever learned to do. I throw em in some boiling hot water with a couple of scoops of OxyClean and let them sit til they’re cool enough to wring out and then I wash them. It makes them sparkle!
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Good tip! I’d never heard of it but I’ll try it if I ever buy whites again.
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The good thing is you realized that your drowning.Not go ahead and take a deep breath so you can float to the top. I am going to school for social work and one the biggest things one of my teachers talk about is Self Care. Because if you don’t have a resource then you will burnout in this field or any field for that matter. It could be anything from reading a book, to talking a hot bath. It doesn’t have to be long but you need to check in with yourself. You have to find time to de-stress and process. And don’t take on too many things at one time. The one thing we do have a lot of although it doesn’t seem like sometimes is time. Put everything in it’s place and work on them accordingly.
Now that being said I am in the same position right now. I have three kids and I’m taking four classes, two dogs (one’s a wolf dog that’s shedding like mad so I;m sweeping every five minutes), three cats a big ass house to clean…and if I don’t stay on top things like laundry and grocery shopping, etc…it turns into a big clusterfuck. I just went to the store yesterday but I didn’t pick up juice boxes or sandwich bags. I’ll going back today for full shopping.
Also, I have been crazy unorganized with school. I don’t think I have been this bad ever and I’m only going to be getting B’s probably and maybe a C. I’m an A girl. I just let things slide. I worked too much and just got tired. (I’m tired right now as I write this. I just wanna go back to bed but I have to go to work in a couple of hours.) So when I could have been doing something productive I did nothing. Sigh. As much as I don’t like making lists, I’ll be making them for next semester. I am going to do what my sister does, she puts everything on a calender including when she should just wipe the toilet seats instead of doing a full cleaning. Everything. I am going to have one for me and the kids.
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You’ve already taken the most important step. Acknowledging the problem. As Oprah would say, Live your truth. If you need to just call a maid service, can’t even be mad.
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Max, Thank you for writing this. I’m in my last few weeks of my master’s program, the last days of student teaching, and quickly approaching a hands on holiday with papers to grade, papers to write and cleaning to do. I want to share more but I’m realizing this isn’t really productive toward the items on my to do list.
The way I dig myself out of holes like the one I’m in now is to make a to do list with bullets of how I plan to get things done. The bullets satisfy my urge to work on appealing things right away without ultimately giving a bullsh!t effort/wasting more time.
Like I have several papers to write under them I’ll do an outline which was about the amount of work I would have gotten done before something else became appealing. Little by little I get stuff done or I turn on RENT (motion picture or live) and work till I can’t see anymore.
Good luck getting off the fuck up train.
Best wishes fellow passenger,
Mrs. Brightside
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I love this post. It is so easy to beat myself up for being consistently inconsistent. I do great and am at full whirl for a bit and then all of a sudden I’m like “Wait, what am I doing next?” and then . . . then nothing. And I always think I’m the worst person ever and the biggest slob ever (I probably am that) and just get myself in a bigger funk of can’t do nothingness. Knowing you are just in a funk and not are not a permanent fuck up is so important, and I forget that. Knowing that I’m not the only normal person in a world full of super people is important too. We’re not fuck ups and we’re not really fucking up, we’re just being human. It happens.
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https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/381675_255238497858167_236058619776155_673949_1100084322_n.jpg
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Man we’ve all been here. At least I have. In fact, I’m here now.
6 loads of clothes piled on the bed… I say, at least they clean, right?
No food in the house… but it’s easier to eat out anyway and at least it’s no longer spoiling in the fridge, right?
Silencing phone calls… quick texts… so much to do, so little time.
I’m leaving my job in two months and do not have another lined up… I think that’s the ultimate in fuck up ed ness. So yes, I’m dropping several balls… and I’m exhausted.
My only plan has been to limit my online time wasting, make some lists (it’s my thing) and plan some rewards for checking things off (because it’s worked for me before).
(hugs) Max… it happens, and we will all get through it.
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Oh. I have a blog suggestion. Take 3 questions you’ve been wanting to write a post to answer, then dish them out to 3 of your faithful readers to answer as guest posts.
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I’ve been there..hell, I’m still there lol It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
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Girl I stay f*ckn up. Stay neglecting my blog. Stay letting my place get so outta control that it’s too far gone to come back from. But every now and again…I regroup and get my sh*t together. They say knowing is half the battle and the fact that you took the time to write this means you know.
It’s hard to juggle it all. But you can do it. You been doin’ it…and as evidenced by the comments here…we still love you. U be aight
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