Ask Max is my weekly advice column where I respond to readers' sex, dating, and relationship questions and the max-logic fam weighs in with their own advice. If you have a question that you need help with, click the Ask Max button at the top of the page and fill in the form. There's even an anonymous feature for those of you who are shy.
This week on Ask Max we have a woman whose new relationship has some serious red flags. Read on for the question and my response.
About 6 months ago I started seeing this man. We would run into each other at the grocery store, bank etc. but I would never approach him b/c I’m super old-fashioned about that. Finally after about a year and a half of just seeing him around, I see him at a club. He initially just stared all night, but eventually sent someone over with this corny line, so I dismissed him and went about my night. Well, before the night was over, he asked for my number, immediately called me, and we have been talking ever since.
This man is the TRUTH. I’m talking from A-Z… Fine….6 pack abs….swexy as hayle… sheesh. If he says he’s going to do something, he does it. If he makes a decision, he sticks with it. He’s smart, cautious, observant, protective, and strong. Everything a woman would want in a man. He never pressured me for sex, and would always tell me he’s more than willing to wait until I was comfortable. I waited about 2.5 months before I gave him some, and when I did…..both our minds were blown. He even called the day after. He sometimes even drives to my city JUST to take me to lunch.
Problem 1: As time went by, he became increasingly busy. Between some personal problems and his “work” we haven’t been able to spend a lot of real quality time together. I have told him my concerns, and when I do, he’s always really patient with me, explains the situation and what he’s trying to do to make it better. But it’s been about 1.5 months since I’ve seen him. And while we do live in different cities, it’s only an hour drive. Recently, I told him that I require more than he was giving, and was almost ready to walk. He again explained that he understood my concerns, and that we were on the same page, to just give him some time and it would all work out.
Problem 2: I don’t know what he does for “work”. He is always really busy, which I see when we’re together. He drives expensive cars, his phones are always ringing, and he always has large amounts of money. ALWAYS. I have made comments letting him know that I don’t think the “game” is a smart one to play, so he knows how I feel about it. Whenever I ask questions, he tells me to either relax, or just sit back and look pretty. –Insert side eye here.
So my questions are as follows: Am I a fool for waiting? I don’t know if I want a certified relationship with him or anyone at this point. But he’s just the type of person you want on your team, and I think he’s worth waiting for. Secondly, I know all the signs point to go, but does he do what I think he does? Am I the biggest monster in the world if I turn a blind eye to it?
Girl, you got a lot going on here.
First of all, congrats on finding a man who floats your boat like this one does. That is not easy. So I can understand the desire to hold on tightly because lord knows when another one will come along.
We have some seeeeeeeerious red flags here. I know you know this. I’m going to tackle them in reverse order for you.
Problem #2: While I’m sure there is a legitimate profession that would a)compel a man to keep it a secret from a woman he was involved with and b)enable him to buy expensive cars, cause his phone to be constantly ringing, and allow him to have large amounts of cash on hand, I’m hard-pressed to tell you what that is. Secret Agent perhaps? Beyond that I’ve got nothing. So I know you and you know and all__ of my readers know that this man is probably on some Nino Brown type steez. And I’m not here to judge you so I’m not going to say you should abort mission immediately
even though you probably should. If you can find a way to rationalize being involved with someone with that type of profession (and as someone who has had a great fondness for a great many criminals in my time I know that’s possible) then proceed.
As far as turning a blind eye to it though, I’m not sure you want to do that either. If you’re going to get involved with a man who is living on the left side of the law, you might want to put some safeguards in place. Word to Winter Santiaga. Might I suggest some ground rules a la “don’t ever ask me to hide your guns and do not bring drugs into my home” as starters? Unless you’re okay with playing the Bonnie to his Clyde and ending up facing 20 for being an accessory to whatever crimes he’s committing, I suggest you make ultra sure you keep your nose clean. In both the literal and figurative senses of the word.
Oh and I recognize that riding around in nice clothes and reaping the benefits of his copious amounts of cash is a very heady feeling; but just remember that ill-gotten gains usually blow up in people’s faces. So don’t get too attached to those trinkets because they’ll probably end up snatched from you and entered into evidence some day.
Oh that sounded judgey didn’t it? I didn’t mean to be.
Anyway. On to problem #1. You obviously read my blog so I’m sure you know how I feel about busy men. But just in case you don’t, let me distill it down for you: busy is bullshit. Busy is a euphemism for disinterested. Or maybe “taking you for granted”. As the great @drjayjack once said, even the president has time for a love life. So a man who is too busy to see you in over 1.5 months is probably just not that pressed to see you. Especially since – given what we know about his profession – he probably makes his own hours.
Call me backwards, but I’d be much more bothered by this than by the work thing. If he’s truly too busy to be involved with you, he should just end things so you can move on with your life. But if he’s going to stay involved with you he has to make time for you, otherwise how is anything supposed to progress?
He asked you to be patient with him and I think it’s good that you agreed to that. But patience needs to have a time limit and it’s up to you to impose it. Figure out how long you can tolerate not ever seeing this man you’re allegedly involved with, let him know what the drop dead date is, and see what happens. If he’s really trying to make things work he’ll figure something out. If not well, you’re already allowing him to get by despite a pretty serious strike against him, if I were you this would tip the scales.
So that’s my take on it, what say you guys? If you were Sittin’ Pretty would you hang on? Or would you run for the hills? Weigh in with your advice in the comments.