Ask Max: I Don’t Know What He Does

what-does-he-do

This week on Ask Max we have a woman whose new relationship has some serious red flags. Read on for the question and my response.

About 6 months ago I started seeing this man. We would run into each other at the grocery store, bank etc. but I would never approach him b/c I’m super old-fashioned about that. Finally after about a year and a half of just seeing him around, I see him at a club. He initially just stared all night, but eventually sent someone over with this corny line, so I dismissed him and went about my night. Well, before the night was over, he asked for my number, immediately called me, and we have been talking ever since.

This man is the TRUTH. I’m talking from A-Z… Fine….6 pack abs….swexy as hayle… sheesh. If he says he’s going to do something, he does it. If he makes a decision, he sticks with it. He’s smart, cautious, observant, protective, and strong. Everything a woman would want in a man. He never pressured me for sex, and would always tell me he’s more than willing to wait until I was comfortable. I waited about 2.5 months before I gave him some, and when I did…..both our minds were blown. He even called the day after. He sometimes even drives to my city JUST to take me to lunch.

Problem 1: As time went by, he became increasingly busy. Between some personal problems and his “work” we haven’t been able to spend a lot of real quality time together. I have told him my concerns, and when I do, he’s always really patient with me, explains the situation and what he’s trying to do to make it better. But it’s been about 1.5 months since I’ve seen him. And while we do live in different cities, it’s only an hour drive. Recently, I told him that I require more than he was giving, and was almost ready to walk. He again explained that he understood my concerns, and that we were on the same page, to just give him some time and it would all work out.

Problem 2: I don’t know what he does for “work”. He is always really busy, which I see when we’re together. He drives expensive cars, his phones are always ringing, and he always has large amounts of money. ALWAYS. I have made comments letting him know that I don’t think the “game” is a smart one to play, so he knows how I feel about it. Whenever I ask questions, he tells me to either relax, or just sit back and look pretty. –Insert side eye here.

So my questions are as follows: Am I a fool for waiting? I don’t know if I want a certified relationship with him or anyone at this point. But he’s just the type of person you want on your team, and I think he’s worth waiting for. Secondly, I know all the signs point to go, but does he do what I think he does? Am I the biggest monster in the world if I turn a blind eye to it?

Signed,
Sittin’ Pretty

 

Sigh.

Girl, you got a lot going on here.

First of all, congrats on finding a man who floats your boat like this one does. That is not easy. So I can understand the desire to hold on tightly because lord knows when another one will come along.

However.

We have some seeeeeeeerious red flags here. I know you know this. I’m going to tackle them in reverse order for you.

Problem #2: While I’m sure there is a legitimate profession that would a)compel a man to keep it a secret from a woman he was involved with and b)enable him to buy expensive cars, cause his phone to be constantly ringing, and allow him to have large amounts of cash on hand, I’m hard-pressed to tell you what that is. Secret Agent perhaps? Beyond that I’ve got nothing. So I know you and you know and all__ of my readers know that this man is probably on some Nino Brown type steez. And I’m not here to judge you so I’m not going to say you should abort mission immediately even though you probably should. If you can find a way to rationalize being involved with someone with that type of profession (and as someone who has had a great fondness for a great many criminals in my time I know that’s possible) then proceed.

As far as turning a blind eye to it though, I’m not sure you want to do that either. If you’re going to get involved with a man who is living on the left side of the law, you might want to put some safeguards in place. Word to Winter Santiaga. Might I suggest some ground rules a la “don’t ever ask me to hide your guns and do not bring drugs into my home” as starters?  Unless you’re okay with playing the Bonnie to his Clyde and ending up facing 20 for being an accessory to whatever crimes he’s committing, I suggest you make ultra sure you keep your nose clean. In both the literal and figurative senses of the word.

Oh and I recognize that riding around in nice clothes and reaping the benefits of his copious amounts of cash is a very heady feeling; but just remember that ill-gotten gains usually blow up in people’s faces. So don’t get too attached to those trinkets because they’ll probably end up snatched from you and entered into evidence some day.

Oh that sounded judgey didn’t it? I didn’t mean to be.

Anyway. On to problem #1. You obviously read my blog so I’m sure you know how I feel about busy men. But just in case you don’t, let me distill it down for you: busy is bullshit. Busy is a euphemism for disinterested. Or maybe “taking you for granted”. As the great @drjayjack once said, even the president has time for a love life. So a man who is too busy to see you in over 1.5 months is probably just not that pressed to see you. Especially since – given what we know about his profession – he probably makes his own hours.

Call me backwards, but I’d be much more bothered by this than by the work thing. If he’s truly too busy to be involved with you, he should just end things so you can move on with your life. But if he’s going to stay involved with you he has to make time for you, otherwise how is anything supposed to progress?

He asked you to be patient with him and I think it’s good that you agreed to that. But patience needs to have a time limit and it’s up to you to impose it. Figure out how long you can tolerate not ever seeing this man you’re allegedly involved with, let him know what the drop dead date is, and see what happens. If he’s really trying to make things work he’ll figure something out. If not well, you’re already allowing him to get by despite a pretty serious strike against him, if I were you this would tip the scales.

So that’s my take on it, what say you guys? If you were Sittin’ Pretty would you hang on? Or would you run for the hills? Weigh in with your advice in the comments.

 

bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 12

  1. Malik says:

    I’m not morally opposed to women dating d-boys, but I wouldn’t advise it to anyone who isn’t seriously about that life. Nor would I advise the guy to let his girl in if she wasn’t seriously about that life. If you’re going to commit to it, jump all the way the in because tip toeing around it is not going to end well for you.

  2. nectar-imperial says:

    She needs to walk. Now. The kind of change in this man’s behavior and lifestyle that would allow her to be comfortable and content is drastic and will not happen.
    I think she’s a bit resigned to that fact and still doesn’t want to leave. So as much as she might be seeking advice at this point, her mind seems made up.
    She’s staying.

  3. jas says:

    ‘Runaway as fast as you caaaaaan’ – Kayne West ‘Runaway’.
    Just drop it, you don’t know the rules, so don’t play the game with this dude. ‘Busy’ means ‘how do I keep this chick on my d*ck’. Stop calling/texting, see what happens, pursue other options. Your life will be much better if you persue othe options. Also, learn a better way to ask questions. The dude’s a dope boy but he may be some married ass who found a chick who doesn’t ask questions. Either way, this isn’t something you want to persue.

  4. nadisrad says:

    In the wise (judgey) words of my mother, “Live fast, die young and make a beautiful corpse.”

    Try not to be seduced by money, clothes and pretty, shiny things.

    Character, my dear. Character. You’ll sleep much better at night. Peace of mind is worth more than gold.

  5. Candi says:

    I went back and re-read the question and concerns and not one time did I hear mention of her going to visit him. If I was that curious, I think I would try to find out for myself.

    Judging by outside appearances, I don’t think it is good to employ a person that we know absolutely nothing about. However, “sittin pretty” next to a few back in my day, I can’t say that everyone is wrong for thinking it.

    My opinion, if the relationship is not serious, then their shouldn’t be a lot of concerns unless the secret is, he’s married with kids. I understand the anxiousness behind not being able to see him when you want or be with him, but there is no need to rush anything when you “don’t know if I want a certified relationship with him”. BUT, if in fact his employment does prove truth, believe me when I say “forever” does not play a role here.

  6. Wild Cougar says:

    Stop answering the phone and text messages. Tell him he’s “too busy for you”, and you don’t want to be involved with a criminal. Wait. If he really wants you, he will explain what he does and make time for you. If he let’s you go, you have your answer. Guys who want you always come after you if you stop answering and tell them why. They will give you what you asked for. Just make sure its a real dealbreaker.

  7. Phidelity15 says:

    It seems you’ve said more about how you feel and were appeased with simple answers, when instead you should have been asking more direct questions and making your decisions based off of that.

    If this is someone that you like and you vibe well, then he should not be adverse to answering some questions that you have. Did you ask him if he was married? had kids?? deals or does drugs?!?! Ask those tough questions and get solid yes and no answers and base your next moves on that. I’m all for honesty and making informed decisions. He should give you a choice whether or not you want to date a possible d-boy who may or may not have a secret life. Since this is your life, decide what YOU want to do and who YOU want to be in it.

    I would suggest that you start moving along and finding you someone else, even if you do decide to keep old boy around a little. If you are not sold on being in a committed relationship anyway, then you should not be adverse to dating multiple people. Go out and find one or two other guys that are fun and available and do you.

  8. GDB says:

    Married. Wife makes a lot of money.
    Stripper or gigolo.

  9. nyah says:

    Yeah I don’t think he is a drug dealer I think he’s married. I think the reason he is being so secretive is because whatever job he has is somewhat important and he cannot risk being caught in a compromising situation. Let’s say he’s a pastor that can explain that cash (he doesn’t get checks he takes from the offering plate) the phone calls (members call their pastors all the time for advice)his nice clothes (pastors like to look nice). But ultimately I don’t think his occupation is your issue. Your issue is his wife and possibly kids

  10. Sam Sharpe says:

    Fancy cars. Expensive clothes. Rollin’ with cash. Phone ringing off the hook. Doesn’t know what he does for a living. Lives an hour away so it’s hard to see him. Doesn’t pay for her to visit him (I’m assuming).

    He’s involved in the “life”. And he’s married.

    Unless you’re interested in being a druggla’s sidepiece you need to run.

  11. Snarkychic says:

    This sounds like something that happened to me when I was 17-21. At that time I wasn’t in the habit of asking the questions I actually needed the answers to. Maybe it’s something that comes with age, yo no se.

    My opinion, he’s both married and an upgraded corner boy. Now here’s the thing you need to decide if either of those things are acceptable for you. No judgement, someone has to date corner boys, we all need love and hashish. I know someone else said he might be a pastor but that just seems highly improbable to me. He’s a professional street pharmacist. The whole notion that he doesn’t have time for you seems ridiculous because he makes his own schedule. He’s not punching no clocks, unless the game has changed in the past few years. Besides not being that interested in you, which is also quite possible, he more than likely has a family which actually makes you meeting him in his place or him coming up to meet you highly unlikely. Since you’re not even sure if you want a full fledge relationship I say none of this matters anyway and you should just keep fishing in that big ole dating sea.

  12. been there says:

    watch out for the “busy” dude that is good looking. chances are, you arent the only one he has on the go. i was once involved with the most beautiful man – great at EVERYTHING….including juggling women. I came to find out that he had a long term relationship with a woman that he lived with (he travels btwn 2 cities for work) in the other city. he made me feel like i was the only one that mattered…the good looking ones are the ones you need to watch out for.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Connect with Facebook

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>