Reopening A Can of Worms (Still can’t have sex whenever we want)


So earlier this  year we had a bit of bacchanal on the blog when I innocently wrote a post called No, We Actually Can’t Have Sex Any Time We Want. I had no idea when I wrote it that chaos would ensue the way it did – like I said at the time, the very idea that a woman can just snap her fingers and get fucked is so preposterous that I cannot believe a post needs to be written about it. But despite my very compelling explanation of what goes down when a woman tries to get some impromptu sex, the men refused to see sense.

To prove my point, I conducted an experiment to prove to men that I couldn’t get sex easily just because I wanted it. Yet despite incontrovertible evidence, the men again refused to see sense. Refusing to be thwarted, two of my favourite male readers went on to conduct their own experiment that proved that men cannot just send raw dog requests for sex and get it, but still did absolutely nothing to disprove the original contention – that a woman cannot get sex just by asking for it.

We never did come to see eye-to-eye on this subject, but after a while I had to let it go. I got so tired of trying to explain this basic and obvious concept to men that I struck it from my conversational repertoire and vowed never to discuss it again.

But still, it niggled at me. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I’d have to write about this again, because I will not rest until men are made to see that getting sex is not easy for a woman. But I decided to just be easy and wait for the right time to reopen this can of worms.

Then fate – in the form of a homegirl and faithful max-logic reader – intervened with a frustrated text message on Sunday:

“I just want it to be known that getting sex from mnen when YOUR want it is not easy and anyone who says it is can kick rocks”.

To which I promptly replied “RIGHT?!? This is what I keep trying to tell them!”.

My girl went on to tell me a story that hurt me to my very core. She did everything right. She made her intention clear: sex. She provided a 48-hour window of opportunity. And she chose a candidate AND  back up. And still….my girl is unfucked.

Something is wrong with this world.

She had been in contact with guy number one all week long. He knew and she knew that come Friday night some shit was gonna go down. But what does he do? Takes a double shift at work just because. Okay, fine, he’s entitled to handle his business. Maybe we prioritize ass over money, doesn’t mean he has to right? But then on Saturday he has some meeting to attend. Okay fine – do your thing. But then Saturday night came and my girl did not. Because this dude decided to go riding his motorcyle. For real? Next day he decided to do some other random shit – maybe it was important, but who cares? Point is, he had pussy waiting for him on a platter and he decided to do all kinds of bullshit rather than step up and take it.

See what I’m saying?

And lest you think this is an aberration, don’t forget that my girl had a backup in place as well. They made plans during the week that they would get it in on the weekend. Then the weekend came and once again the poor girl did not. Why? Because he was “busy”.

If every girl on the planet had a dollar for every time a man was too busy to fuck her, there would be a lot of dollars in the world.

I think my girl’s story here pretty much proves once again that it is not easy for a woman to get sex when she wants it. Nor do men come running every time we flash a little pussy in their direction. We have to work at it, just like men do. Women – do you agree? Men – what say you now?


bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 50

  1. Malik says:

    What I say? I say in large sets of data there will always be outliers. They are amusing to note, but should not be anything more than a footnote unless addressed. I don’t think any man would sincerely argue that in the history of history a woman has never been stood up after openly and clearly offering up the pussy.

    This doesn’t address OUR point though. You’re shifting the debate to a very narrow definition while the correct people are arguing in a more general direction AS THE PROMPT WAS PHRASED. You are still arguing from the position of a singular, or three at best, guy that you have decided that you want to have sex with won’t have sex with at your call. That’s not ever going to be a viable data set.

    This is not a case of ‘more people’ being needed to substantiate your claim. This is a case of you needing to shift the entire way that you conduct your testing. But, that isn’t going to happen because men and women have vastly different ideas of how ‘wanted’ sex is defined.

    1. Malik says:

      Hm, that last sentence is a tad vague upon second reading. I mean it in relation to two things: The first being the pool size of people we’re willing to have sex with (we all know men’s are dramatic larger) and the quality of the sex. The first is obvious, so I’ll address the latter. Comparatively speaking, men have a very low bar to cross over for the sex to be pleasurable. Barring anything embarrassing, the fact that we are having sex then and there is always a victory/pleasurable on some level. Women on the the other hand have a very different relationship with sex. They operate more on the risk and reward scale of quality and how desperate they are at the time. If a woman isn’t desperate at the time, she’s not really all that likely to make great strides for sex she presumes will only be average or worse. The reverse is true as well, she’s thirsty and she’s far more likely to hop on said opportunity.

      That was a long clarification for something so short.

      1. max says:

        You know what’s interesting though? I keep giving examples of women not being able to have sex when they want and no man ever comes back with even one story of a woman who wanted sex, asked for it, and easily got it. Not a one.

        1. Malik says:

          Examples? The majority of the times I’ve had sex.

          1. ok there was this woman i went to grad school with. i had no idea she liked me. one day while out the club she told me plain as day that she wanted me to fuck her that night. guess what happened that night. she got fucked. well.

            now if i propositioned a woman like that out the blue would you care to guess what would have happened?

      2. Flyy says:

        See the thing is Malik, no matter how you cut it… these are still men. She is still a woman. She still opened a door for them walk through, they didn’t. Easy. Yes we can debate allllll day long about the class of man – whether she knew him or not, if it was the first time or not, if he had to drive over an hour or not – all of it matters NOT to Max’s original statement. This is and the experiment she conducted are cases of a woman offering up the goods and man turning them down.

        1. Malik says:

          But NO ONE on the opposition has ever asserted that it never happens that women get turned down. She’s arguing a point that we never brought up or even necessarily disagree with. She’s making a bunch of qualifiers to hedge the argument in her favor. That is not happening.

          1. max says:

            The men’s assertion has always been that it is easy. That all we have to do is ask. That women are the ones who decide whether sex is going to happen. And yet we show you that it’s not as easy as just asking and it’s clearly not up to us whether it happens and yet…you still don’t believe.

            1. Cheekie says:

              “The men’s assertion has always been that it is easy. That all we have to do is ask. That women are the ones who decide whether sex is going to happen. And yet we show you that it’s not as easy as just asking and it’s clearly not up to us whether it happens and yet…you still don’t believe.”

              RIGHT. Ya’ll dudes are the one turning it into “well, it’s easier for you because if we ask you we’ll probably get slapped.” Who cares about the reaction? The point is not HOW women don’t end up fucked, it’s that they don’t. That it ain’t always easy.

              We all know the reactions to the question would be vastly different. There are beaucoup ways to say “no.” lol Things is, it’s much more frustrating when a man’s version of “no” is usually some indirect ish like, “um, I got this thing to do/I’m busy.” -_________-

  2. Prettykeety says:

    This story breaks my heart. All she wants is a little wiggle in her middle and she can’t get it. Crying shame.

    I can’t remember the last time I’ve actually asked for sex, but that’s because at one point I got so tired of hearing “I’m busy” or “I’ll let you know.” The one guy who’s turned me down (an ex) did it so many times that I can’t muster up the nerve to ask another guy for it.

    This is exactly why I hate casual sex. It’s too unreliable.

  3. Aleyah the Great says:

    co-sign. it’s pretty difficult to get it in whenever you want. you have to actually find a person you want, them coordinate schedules, which doesn’t always work. i’ve been lucky enough in my short sex life to rarely be turned down, but when i do, it’s the most frustrating thing ever. possibly because i only proposition when i’m really in need, otherwise i let the offers come to me.

  4. Evie says:

    You are right. Did you hear that? You are spot on, 100% accurate. I have had this happen to me and it pains me. I’m in an open marriage, I really like good, nasty, make-me-moan-MY-GOD sex. Even being married, having a lover and a suitor waiting in the wings I can’t have sex whenever I want to. I suppose I could go on Craigslist and “get some,” but I prefer to know my partners at least a bit prior to boning all night. What’s a girl to do? Oh, right…Hitachi, my magic friend… Which reminds me, I need an extension cord.

    1. Danielle says:

      Why did they make the Hitachi cord so short? To frustrate us?

      And my p*ssy turns into a vagina at the thought of casual sex. It’s gets very clinical about things. She starts asking all kinds of questions about who this penis did we do a background check? And why is it here? And if I can’t answer, then she gets either a headache or the sniffles. Or she turns into that character Stewart from MADTV. Nooooo, stoooop. Don’t touch me. It’s terrible.

  5. Jubilance says:

    Man….a few months ago this was so my story. I invited dude over & he had a million excuses why he couldn’t. He literally didn’t have to work for it at all & I still went to be frustrated. Ugh. Men, yall have no idea.

  6. Cheekie says:

    “So earlier this year we had a bit of bacchanal on the blog…”

    Bacchanal, doe. #wordlust

    She had BACKUP, ya’ll. And yet her back was not blown. Easy as pie, huh. lol

    *waits for the number of excuses that wouldn’t be accepted if women used the same exact ones*

    1. keisha brown says:

      max is sooo trini. lol.

  7. Ray. says:

    Go to your local Walmart or Target. Get a poster board and a thick Black sharpie. Write in very large letters, “I NEED PENIS”. Stand on your nearest corner…or just walk out your door with it. And then tell me how many men pass you by…

    1. Flyy says:

      Ew. LMAO.

      Well since she talked to these men prior I’m assuming this was ‘CraigList’ type casual encounters. I’m sure she’s known them so while… casual, it’s probably familiar (or soon to be if she ever gets it) sex. Most women are not about that picking up a man in the bar life.

  8. RP14 says:

    Max this post is 100% spot on…this is a ridiculous phenomenon that must stop!!!

    I cringed on the inside reading about her situation because that has happened to far too many women!

  9. Candi says:

    Just when I thought that it was only me!

    I started thinking that something was wrong with me like maybe my sex-drive was in over-drive, sex addict?, low self-esteem, did I put on some weight? Am I shaven? lol Overwhelming and too much to deal with.

    My ex of 5 years and a baby, had me going through this rampage. Even before him, living the single life, the special ones I picked to be that cutty buddy still didn’t fulfill their duties as I trusted they would. I thought being in a relationship, especially with someone who I just couldn’t get enough of and could eat alive, would be much better. The sweet life of love, love making and more fcuking. Well, I got cheated on with Xbox and club nights with the fellas. Guess it felt better than pussy. *shrugs*

    Great Post!!

  10. Teflon Mom says:

    I will co-sign this post entirely. The stock value of pum-pum has plummeted because the market is flooded with easy-drop draws. Today’s man has far more options than in the past. Yet, they still value the hunt. We women for the most part haven’t really caught on to that. We think that men will jump for joy if we offer something of value for free. Not the case. It’s almost like offering it up so easily makes the man suspicious of the quality, and they’ll pass on it in favor of something that they have to work for.

    1. max says:

      It used to be that wanting no-strings sex was an asset for a woman because it was so rare and mythical. Now wanting sex is a liability and asking for it makes men suspicious like there must be something wrong with the pussy if it’s being offered freely.

      1. Teflon Mom says:

        Yup – at this point “rare and mythical” describes the woman who makes you wait for it, not the other way around. Now men are talking bout how they don’t want to be “used”.

  11. Melissa says:

    I will say first that I agree…women cannot get sex whenever she wants……with who she wants. Just saying that you’re down, to a specific dude you want to get it on with, will not guarantee sex.

    However, I know that guys have and will argue that women can get sex whenever they want if they aren’t picky about who they are getting it from. I’ve have this argument many a time.

    I think the problem here with your friend is that this is a prime example of not getting it from who you want it from and maybe even coming off desperate. If you put it too easily and readily on the table, That’s a turn off to any respectable man, is it not? That, or maybe those dudes just didn’t wanna f*ck her.

  12. not to say that you’re girl might not be good looking or that her pussy isn’t on point but…. what am i typing? that’s exactly what i’m saying.

    “Point is, he had pussy waiting for him on a platter and he decided to do all kinds of bullshit rather than step up and take it.”

    perhaps this is what it was. there have been plenty of times where a woman propositioned me for sex and i didn’t take it. i’m not some primitive beast that can’t control his sexual urges. i don’t run when a woman snaps her fingers and shakes her pussy at me.

    also, i never said women could get it when they wanted. i said that women can get sex easier than men can.

    1. Flyy says:

      I’d take this… IF… Max hadn’t said chick and her ‘friends’ hadn’t set stuff the week prior. Doesn’t sound like it was a first… and if I was a man, why would I talk chex & set up to a chick in which I had to intention of actually effing at some point?

  13. Adonis says:


    I think for the men who turn down chex, do it for perfectly good reasons… I am intrigued to hear from the men who avoid you gals…

    A couple of weeks ago, I turn down chex because I didn’t want to double team a “rock monster” with another “rock monster”… (Please don’t ask…)

    I can’t call it


    1. max says:

      Adonis I’m going to give you a chance and let this comment slide today. But if you get rowdy I’ll go back to immediately blacklisting you and your 9999999 IP addresses. So play nicely okay?

      1. keisha brown says:

        *likes this comment.
        mostly because it uses the word rowdy.

    2. Teflon Mom says:

      What the hell is a rock monster?

    3. Adonis says:


      I doubt I will make it to the third comment… I am like In & Out Burger today…

      @Teflon Mom

      I think you already know what a “rock monster” is… You are far from a square…

      Synonym is Rockstar

      1. Teflon Mom says:

        Oh…my first thought was that the girl looked like some sort of troll or Fraggle, lol.

        1. Adonis says:


          I am more apt to give a WARPIG (fat & sloppy to a point) some d*ck, but almost never a Rock Monster…

          As Danielle eloquently pointed out… I get all medical too

  14. Malik says:

    It’s like a verbal magic trick with you ladies. You’re hellbent on this ‘misdirection’ concept. Women never address the specificity of their argument and try to point to get us to focus on some tangent. I C U

    1. Cheekie says:

      Right because “but ya’ll get it easier than us” is not a tangent.

      Even though “It’s not that easy to get sex period” was the original argument.


  15. CHeeKZ says:

    The orginal experiment was BS and all it showed was how bad women are at science. We never said you could have chex with Tyson Beckford whenever you wanted. We said you could have chex.

    You want a real experiment with a good control group. Put up two craiglist ads for NSA chex. See how many you get pretending to be the girl and see how many you get pretending to be the guy.
    Than do the same thing in an environment that has more women, like e-harmony or

    1. Malik says:

      Mhmm. We have competing definitions for what is ease and what type of person we’re willing to have sex with and what quality of sex we’re willing to have. Women are making a whole bunch of provisions with those things. Men are just speaking flatly about the quantity of people and not making any if, ands, or buts about anything besides the number of men willing.

      Sure getting what you specifically want from a singular person may be difficult relative to you. But women can’t seem to understand the difference. They’re at a BBQ talking about there’s nothing to eat because they’re vegetarians even though there’s a vegetarian restaurant 5 miles up the street. We’re talking about there’s nothing to eat because we live in an impoverished village in the Congo. Is that example extreme? Yes. But that is sincerely where the gulf is. Women are on that #1stWorldProblems tip and we’re fighting for scraps (figuratively speaking).

  16. GirlSixx says:

    We back here again eh.. *lol*

    Max, not for nothing though…just for the simple fact that this took place over the span of an entire weekend (they had until Sunday to still hit) with the 2 dudes and not in 24 to 48hrs (if I can recall correctly) was your experiment. I’m going to go out on a limb and say, it’s not that these dudes were TOO BUSY to give her the pumps, I think they JUST WASN’T INTERESTED in giving her the pumps. They weren’t feeling her like that, especially dude with the motorcycle, *smhl* what man you know is going to pass up coochie for night riding unless he was riding to go get some better coochie?

    They Didn’t want her.

  17. Sam Sharpe says:

    I swore up and down I was going to avoid this nonsense….

    It’s not easy for most people, male or female, to find sex whenever they so desire. But, our argument really is simply that it is easier for women than it is for men. It is not an absolute. It is a matter of degree…

    I think CHeeKZ has got it right. We don’t even need to do the experiment to see what would happen if those Craigslist ads were put up.

  18. ncvirgogal says:

    This really makes me sad bc I’m a female in my 6th month of sexual frustration-not by choice. Or maybe it is by choice. I’ve gotten offers but not from guys that I would actually take them up on their offer. What’s a horny lady to do? Fcuk a dude I’m not attracted to or get my vagina rejected from a guy I am attracted to? :/ oh well…more porn and painting my nails for me…

    1. Wild Cougar says:

      Place an ad. Oh. You not a heaux? But you want some casual s.ex quick like. Okaaaay. You want to get to know him first? Place an ad, get your hundred or so responses, go out on a few dates with three or four of the best out of the group. Get to know them while they are waiting, panting, begging you for your body. You will have more good s.ex than you know what to do with. Oh. I’m sorry. You’re not a heaux. Just want some casual s.ex. *shrugs

      1. ncvirgogal says:

        Lol I’m a picky person but I guess the saying is true-beggars can’t be choosers. *shrugs*

        1. Wild Cougar says:

          Ooh, girl, you should try it. Most of the guys are regular, non psycho, men with jobs. A few are so hot, you would want to get naked with them if you met them on the street. Nothing at all wrong with them. Just dudes looking for some casual.

  19. Malik says:

    I know I’m coming off really abrasive today. I apologize for that. But let’s keep this in mind: There is absolutely nothing wrong with having certain standards, but like anything else in life there are pluses and minuses to every decision. If you only want to have certain standards for something, that’s completely understandable. But please, don’t then sit and complain that there isn’t anything available just because you don’t want it.

    Especially considering this is something that the quality of can’t be properly graded based on a cursory glance.

  20. Miss White says:

    I disagree. Maybe she’s picking the wrong candidates or maybe dude is gay. Idk. P***y on a platter? It don’t get no better than that.

  21. streetztalk says:

    I wish I saw this post days ago!

    Shorty was probably a boogerwolf Max. No shots at your fried, lol.

    Yall can still get it easier than us!

    1. SweetCakes says:

      Max – you are 100% CORRECT. And as if it weren’t bad enough already, we aren’t even allowed to tell the truth about it. Look at how these trolls harrass us for telling the truth. They are all liars! Watch them run when we ask for it!!! MadScientist and the rest of you trolls- I wish you would just shut the F up and come over here and do me already!!! Prove it!!!!

  22. Monica says:

    Co-sign. Max, my sista, ur right about everything. It doesn’t matter what any of the men on here say.
    My story: I’m a little fat and lacking in social skills, but I’m NOT ugly. I never get sex. I’ve gone 10 years at a time without.
    CHeeKZ, About 4 years ago I tried CraigsList and got in a stranger’s car. He drove to a private place and we made out. When it came time to give me the penis he changed his mind! I had asked for it, arranged for it, worked for it and put myself in danger for it but I still couldn’t get it! I gave up trying after that. It’s just too painful, humiliating and traumatic. 
    Since I can’t get a man to follow through, I’m considering advertising on CL for a lesbian because it might be better than nothing.
    Ray, I’m considering your sign idea. The only reason I don’t do it is because I know nobody would stop to pick me up. (unless I charge $. “Must not admit need. Must not admit need.”)
    Candi- men obviously prefer a computer to any actual woman.
    Teflon Mom, you got that right!   
    I think that men won’t have sex if it’s offered for free. I’m considering becoming a prostitute temporarily just so I can have sex. I don’t want any money but if I don’t charge they won’t fcuk me.       
    Right now I need it so badly I’m ready to go out and do whatever it takes to get it, regardless of the consequences. I’m considering going to the park where the gay men go at night but I’m afraid there will only be gay men there and still nobody will want me. How else can I find someone to do me? This is horrible and its not fair. Men in wheelchairs can hire prostitutes. But only some women can get a man. I would give anything and everything for a good fcuk. I’m losing my mind anyway, so I have nothing to lose. I don’t care if I get murdered- I need some dick. 
    Has anybody else ever felt this way?

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