Ask Max: He Doesn’t Know I’m Alive


This week on Ask Max we have a question I can definitely relate to as I’ve been in this situation more times than I care to remember. What can a woman do to get the attention of a man who doesn’t seem to know she exists? Read on for the question and my response.

There’s a guy I have a huge crush on! He is very intelligent and says and does weird stuff. Like there was a time I thought he was genuinely disturbed. He knows my name, he followed me on twitter because of something I asked him, but he really doesn’t know I exist. He’s even told me before that I look like a house help. I always Skype him, he doesn’t Skype me cos I’m not even his friend. I want him to like me, notice me.

He’s not even playing hard to get, he genuinely doesn’t like me. I’ve gone days and weeks without texting him or calling or Skyping, and he won’t even bother. I feel I’m only on his contact list because he doesn’t want to be rude and delete me. And he doesn’t talk about himself to anybody so it’s hard to even start a normal conversation.

I normally don’t go gaga for guys, but this one has got me intrigued. He’s all I bloody think about, and it drives me crazy that he doesn’t remember who I am sometimes, and doesn’t want to know me.

I know I sound desperate, but please help me. You might say he’s not worth it, but please. Help. Thank you Max.

Oh boy.

Girl I feel you because like I said I’ve been in this situation too many times. And let me tell you you are fighting an uphill battle.

See the thing is that while women can initially be completely disinterested in a man and end up completely smitten after he puts the full-court press on her, for men it usually doesn’t work that way. As soon as he meets a woman, a man pretty much knows what purpose (if any) she will serve in his life and it’s very, very difficult to get him to change his mind once it’s made up.

So my initial reaction is to tell you to abort mission. From what I can tell here, this man is at best terminally weird and at worst an outright asshole and is likely unworth any of the effort you’re about to put in. He seems outright disinterested, if not actively trying to get you to go away – that comment about you looking like house help is RUDE.

That being said, I am going to give you a course of action. Because even though you and I (and everyone else reading this) already knows the outcome, sometimes we have to go through the exercise anyway. I get that.

What you need to do is to dazzle and confuse this man. Stop trying to get his attention.  A smart and confident men can sniff out  blatant attempts to get his attention from a mile away and he won’t like it. He’ll think you’re desperate and that’s a turn off. So stop trying to get him to like you and just be likable.

First of all, go read Dr. J’s awesome guest post about getting in the path of destruction. This is invaluable advice for the situation you are in.  This would be a lot easier to execute if this situation were playing out in the “real” world, but the principle still applies here. What you need to do is be the smart, interesting, funny, sexy version of yourself and be that version of yourself in his eyesight. Be where he is, and be awesome when you’re there. He follows you on twitter, so tweet interesting things. If you’re friends with him on Facebook or gchat, post status updates that he will notice, but not in a wack way.  “I didn’t wear panties to work today” = noticeable in a wack way. But “Can’t stop playing this N*ggas in Paris Remix – T.I. brought the heat!” is interesting in a good way.

While this man isn’t studying you, he does at least recognize that you exist, so make use of that. You know him better than I do, so you would know better what sort of topics will interest him. Whatever they are, play up your shared interest in them. This is step one of “dazzle and confuse”. Be dazzling.

Step two is to stop trying to contact this guy. Don’t mention him on twitter, don’t initiate gchats, don’t skype him. He’s become used to you attempting to interact with him so you need to throw him off balance. See when you all of a sudden start talking about things he’s interested in, he’s going to think you’re doing it to get his attention. But when you don’t try to interact with him, this will confuse him a bit. That’s confuse part one.

If you continue to be interesting and continue to not try to contact him, one of two things are going to happen. Either he’s going to continue to ignore you; at which point you really must abort the mission because that pretty much solidifies the fact that this man is not interested in you. Or he’s going to start engaging with you. He’ll mention you on twitter or hit you up on chat. He’ll start tweeting things that you would be interested in. And this is where dazzle and confuse will really work for you.

If he starts to contact you, you have to be responsive, but not too much so. Sometimes you respond to his tweets, sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you have long chats with him, sometimes it’s three lines and a drift off. Hit him up and ask him if he’s there and then when he says yes, never reply. You have to find a rhythm that works for you, but the point here is to continue to hammer him with how awesome and interesting you are while being impossible for him to pin down. Dazzle and confuse. It works, if you can pull it off.

Let me just tell you right now that there are very very few women in the world who can successfully pull off the dazzle and confuse. They’re pretty good at dazzling,  but as soon as it results in the man paying her some attention they forget everything I’ve said and start cheesing up in his face. And the whole thing comes crashing down. But if you can pull it off, it works.

But what say you, dear readers? Should she attempt to get this man’s attention or just throw him back? What advice would you give her to get him to know she’s alive? Weigh in in the comments.




bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 9

  1. MizzCam says:

    “So stop trying to get him to like you and just be likable.”

    Solid advice, Max. It sounds to me like the initial attraction is just NOT there. But since this chick is at least decent enough for him to continue having conversations with, even though she initiates ALL of them, that’s better than nothing. =/ Uhh, kinda.

    I honestly don’t see this working out in her favor at all, unless she’s willing to spend a ridiculously long amount of time in “friend zone purgatory” and then settle for some pity sex… I don’t think that’s the goal here. So, my advice is to LET.IT.GO.

    Ya win some, ya lose some. Such is life.

    1. Girlsixx is ChloeRayne516 says:

      I agree with AllofDis!!

      “He Don’t Want You Gurrl” she needs to just fall back Hard and find somebody else.

      Looks like the house help tho??!! O___O

      Damn, that ain’t right. *smhl*

      1. Teflon Mom says:

        I know that house help comment made my eyes bug out. If you’re still trying to get with a dude who says you look like Florence from the Jeffersons…

  2. OSHH says:

    To the letter writer, get over it and move on, the man is clearly not interested. Unless of course you are a glutton for punishment and want to be used and victimized, and then blame it all on him LOL.
    SMH, some brawds make it too easy to get played, your feelings hurt etc.

  3. chunk says:

    She should not walk away.

    She should run.

  4. Prettykeety says:

    I’ve gotten every guy I’ve ever crushed on—but I usually only got them when I finally started to lose interest.

    I think your best option for getting this man is genuinely not wanting him anymore. Treat him like an ex boyfriend that you have to get over. Date other men, get your confidence up, and direct your attention elsewhere. If he wants you, he will notice that you’ve moved on and come calling. If he doesn’t want you, then you’ve already moved on to finding someone who does.

    Going the desperate route may get him because I’ve seen it happen, but you may not have him the way you want him. And as far as the “house help” comment, is this even the kind of guy you really want?

  5. Teflon Mom says:

    He knows you’re alive…he’s just not interested. Don’t play yourself more than you already have. Every – even most – men will not fall at your feet. Doesn’t mean you’re reduced to begging for scraps. And that comment about you looking like the help? He’s a bum, leave him alone.

  6. Jay says:

    ooo. I know this guy. He seems interesting and is so weird! but in a good way. he’s intelligent and seems “different” from all the other guys. hes unique etc. and surely hes everything you’ve ever wanted -_-.! I was in this situation and had a HUGE crush on this guy:swore I was in love…with someone I didnt actually “know” because he didnt notice me in that way and we barely spoke on that level. I was in love with the “idea” of him. I really thought that there was no one else like him and he was made for me, but he just didnt see it yet -_-. BUT, there are other guys..who are just as intelligent or “weird” and he is not “special” but anywho, a few things happened that questioned his character and when the rose colored glasses faded I saw who he REALLY was. And now I detest him with all my being. COuldnt believe I was so head over heals for this guy. and he wasnt even physically attractive to me! but that didnt matter because he was intelligent etc…but I digress, lol this is about you! Let him go, you shouldnt have to convince anyone to like you. Play some country music and you will be soo over him. There WILL be others. THE END.

  7. nadisrad says:

    This sounds hella bitc*y, but….have some pride and let it go! Dazzle, confuse and vamoose!

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