Commandment III: Thou Shalt Not Waste Time
Just as God had to step in and give the Israelites some instructions on how to conduct themselves, so must I tell you the proper way to behave in your jump off type relationships. So every Wednesday for the next 10 weeks I'll bring you the 10 Commandments of Casual Sex. If you have suggestions for what the commandments should be, please send them to me via the contact link at the top right of the page, because of course you know I haven't written them all yet.
And we’re back with the 2nd commandment.
Commandment 3: Thou shalt not waste time
One main characteristic of the singleton is efficiency. They recognize that while romantic relationships have their advantages; being in one requires a time commitment. You can rarely just jump to the point of anything; you have to waste time talking and considering other people’s feelings and weighing your own needs against the greater good of your relationship. All this extra effort pays off in the end, but the benefit of being unencumbered is that you don’t have to participate in this kind of wheel-spinning. In fact, it’s actually a grievous offence against singlehood and all it stands for for you to waste people’s time. And yet I constantly hear stories of this happening. Maybe you guys don’t know you’re doing it, but apparently you are. So let me lay out some prime examples of how you waste time when you’re single.
I. Pretending to want something you so obviously don’t want.
This works one of two ways: for men, it’s pretending to want to date a girl you really just want to fuck. For women it’s pretending to be okay with just fucking someone you really want to lock down. Whichever one you’re doing you are wasting fucking time! (#seewhatididthere?). In this day and age there is no shortage of people looking for whatever freaky little thing it is you want, so please stop making people do the most to give you something you have no interest in accepting.
Men, let me clue you in on something you seem to be oblivious to. You don’t really have to pretend to have feelings for a girl to get her to fuck you anymore. Those days are pretty much over. And don’t any of you leave me comments asking “who does that?!?’ because plenty of your kind still do.
Some of whom are reading this post right now. If fucking is what you’re about then come out the gate with your dick at attention so everyone is clear. Because besides it being hurtful and mean, it’s just a colossal waste of everyone’s time for you to court a woman you really have no interest being in a relationship with. She could be using that time to set traps for a dude she actually has a hope in hell of landing. If you want to fuck, just say so and stop wasting time.
And ladies, come on now. I can’t believe I still have to say this to you. You should know by now that if you’re interested in having a relationship with a man, you should not be letting him blow your back out sans strings. This is not the movies, you are not Pretty Woman. They likelihood of you getting any kind of ROI on that is nil. If you know that when you look at ole boy you picture him standing at the end of the aisle in a tux with a grin on his face and tears in his eyes, don’t tell him “Oh no, I’m not looking for anything serious either. Let’s just hang out” because it’s a fucking lie and soon enough you’re going to have him embroiled in painful, pointless conversations about where the nothing that is between you is going when he could be using that time to fuck someone. Stop wasting time!
II. Being in the wrong place at fucking time.
I wrote about this one already so I’m not going to waste too much time explaining it again. If you don’t plan to fuck you have no business being alone with someone at their place after dark. I don’t care who the fuck it is, if you’re not related by blood and there is a penis and a vagina present after the sun has set, you must have at least considered the possibility that one is going to be inserted into the other. And if you’re not down for that, what the fuck are you doing there? Wasting time!
III. Leading a horse to water and not letting him drink.
A few weeks ago my homeboy told me a story that shocked and appalled me. I’m not going to go too heavily into the details because you never know who might be reading this, but suffice it to say that a woman was over at a man’s house late at night. They were alone, and intoxicants were consumed. Body parts were pressed up against each other, then stroked, then removed from clothing. Just when everything was primed for insertion, Homegirl busts out a “we need to talk” and drops a bomb on the dude’s head. Now here he’s sitting with a boner and a half-naked chick in his bed and he can’t smash because she wants to talk?!? Bish you are wasting time. You should have gotten all your talking out of the way over the phone before you crossed the threshold and allowed him to waste his refreshments on you. Shame on you!
But before you think only women are guilty of this shit, let me share another story. A few weeks ago a friend of mine told me that a dude she’s known for a while who is a photographer asked if he could take nude photos of her that night. They have a bit of a history and my girl is no dummy so when she said yes, it was under the assumption that while some pics might be snapped, some fucking would likely ensue. So during the photo shoot portion of the evening my girl did the most to ensure she gave the guy a good show. But after much wetting of lips and arching of back and cocking up of bumper, my dude packed up his lenses and his light metre and bounced. He didn’t even so much as tongue her down! That’s just a) effing rude and impertinent and b) a colossal waste of a night she could have spent riding the stairway to heaven. Word to Robert Plant.
The moral of the story is be clear on not just what your intentions are, but how they might be perceived. Get to the point and if you don’t want to do that, get out of the fucking way. And that’s all I have to say. What say you guys? Show me you missed me and weigh in in the comments.