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Just as God had to step in and give the Israelites some instructions on how to conduct themselves, so must I tell you the proper way to behave in your jump off type relationships. So every Wednesday for the next 10 weeks I'll bring you the 10 Commandments of Casual Sex. If you have suggestions for what the commandments should be, please send them to me via the contact link at the top right of the page, because of course you know I haven't written them all yet.

Let’s get to the 2nd commandment.

Commandment 2: Thou shalt not lie on pussy. Similarly, thou must avoid leaving evidence of having taken questionable dick.

The first part is for my men. And men I feel like this should go without saying. But having heard and been the subject of far too many sex falsehoods, it is clear that I have to speak to the masses on this.

Men, there is nothing more weak in the world than lying on pussy. Honestly. I feel like if you have to lie about getting pussy you probably don’t deserve to be getting any in the first place. That is behaviour that you should have left in the junior high locker room. For one thing, you shouldn’t even be talking about who you smashed unless there is a good reason for it, and I’m at a loss as to what that reason would be. Secondly, lying about having fucked a woman who likely wouldn’t let you sniff her frowsy panties is just wack. So if you are guilty of this – and I know some of you are, even though you may protest in the comments – I command you to cease and desist immediately.

I’m sure you have your reasons for doing it. Maybe you feel pressured to keep up with your friends who are slaying far more heaux than you are. Maybe you don’t want your boy to pursue a particular piece of pussy because you’ve bookmarked her for later. Maybe you’ve put so much time and effort into trying to fuck a woman that it’s equivalent to the effort that actually fucking her would require so you feel entitled to lie about it. I don’t know what your reasons are. I don’t know your life. But I do know this: stop doing it. Take a page out your favourite blogger’s book and learn the art of creative license. If you’re trying to give an impression, give an impression. Start a sentence and let your voice trail off. Use a random euphemism. Give a knowing look or raise an eyebrow. Subtweet. Whatever. If for some reason you have a burning desire to make someone think you got some pussy you didn’t actually get; being suggestive is one thing. But flat out lying and saying you fucked me up the ass in the park during a Little League game a woman when it didn’t happen is a certified panty meat move.

Now onto you ladies.

Ladies I know times are hard. I know we sometimes get an insatiable itch and can’t find the ideal person to scratch it. And while some of us would rather go without than take dick from a less than ideal source, I know there are some of you out there who will relax your standards a little bit when the situation becomes dire. I understand and I’m feeling you. Word to Mos Def.  But ladies, you need to be careful about taking questionable dick. Because while it may help you get your nut in the short run, in the long run you could be doing major damage to your Carfax.

As much as we gals have turned creative accounting into an art form, we have to remember that men refuse to subscribe to this theory and continue to maintain that every dick we take is adding a number to our total. So just on the strength of numbers alone  you have to be careful about letting too many randoms slide – that’s just wasted digits. But in these perilous times we have to be doubly careful because we’re judged not just on the volume of dick but the quality of it. A man who is a 10 is likely not going to want to walk the road if you have a reputation for banging pure 2′s and 3′s, please remember this. And since I don’t know your life and I believe 2′s and 3′s need pussy too, I’m not going to tell you to stop fucking them. But I am going to advise you not to leave a trail.

If you’re going to take dick from a questionable source, please do not leave voicemails or send text messages begging the questionable dude to come over and fuck you. Wack dudes talk and that shit will be spread around if the need arises. Make sure that in all recorded communication between you, you give off the air of being amused at best and barely tolerant at worst. Don’t send weak dudes pictures of yourself and make sure to act outraged if he should try to solicit them from you.

Avoid eye witnesses. Don’t let him darken your doorstep and avoid being seen entering or leaving his apartment. Don’t show up anywhere or leave anywhere with him and limit the amount of time you’re seen in one-on-one conversation with him in public. Do not respond to his subtweets or Facebook statuses about you. Keep a reasonable distance from this guy but do not antagonize him. I cannot stress that enough. See the thing about questionable dick is that it’s almost always attached to questionable men. And the worst thing you can do with a questionable man is let him know you’re trying to punk him off. Because that makes him chatty and he will start talking about you like a dog all over the streets. No matter how good the questionable dick was – and we all know how fucking good questionable dick is – it’s not worth ruining your reputation for.

And that’s it for the second commandment of casual sex. What say you guys? Speak on it in the comments.