Ask Max: FwB and Oral Sex


I wanted to know what are your views on oral sex within friends with benefits & one night stands? When do you know if you waited long enough to start doing those types of acts?? How can you make sure that you respect your mouth/body while fulfilling needs without that ” Omg, I’m such a slut” feeling the morning after or a few hours later?

Now this is one of the very rare instances in which asking yourself “What would Max do?” is not going to yield optimal results. See, as much as I am a progressive and forward-thinking kind of woman, when it comes to oral I’m still a bit of a throwback. I do not subscribe to the “if you’re fucking you’re sucking” school of thought. In my world, getting head is level one vip treatments and only a select few qualify.

It seems though that to the world at large, oral and fucking are like hand in glove – you don’t have one without the other. Some people consider it an essential part of foreplay, some people say it’s illogical to be willing to fuck a man you’re not willing to suck off.

Either way, this is one of those things where I think it’s up to you to decide what you’re comfortable with. That “OMG I’m a slut” feeling that women get (I’m assuming only women get this, men correct me if I’m wrong) is less about any one act and more about the fact that you’ve done something you don’t approve of or weren’t comfortable with. One of the beauties of the casual sex relationship is that you set your terms – if this was Mr. Kyra I’d tell you you either need to give head or give head passes – so if you don’t want to dine beneath the bridge that is totally up to you.

Just make sure you make it clear to him from the beginning; unless you enjoy the feeling of him continually trying to push your head southward while you fight to keep it above the equator. And you should be prepared for the possibility that he might consider you useless as a FwB if he can’t even get head from you.

Oh! And not to get too much in your business but I have to ask. Is this man partaking of your salad bar while you’re refusing to sample the sausage? No judgment, I’m just wondering and lowkey judging you.

That’s my answer, what do you guys think? Is it okay to take oral off the table in casual sex relationships? Or is the whole point of such relationships to explore your freakiness to its full extent? If your FwB refused to put his/her mouth on you, would you be okay with that? Speak on it in the comments.

bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 22

  1. Malik says:

    1. Pussy munching is always going down with Malik.

    2. I don’t do things that would make my partner uncomfortable.

    3. I don’t mind not getting head. I’m an odd duck in that regard.

  2. streetztalk says:

    Good post and points. I think it all depends on how you personally feel about the act, not the situation. If you dont go down for anyone but a husband, then stick to it. Otherwise go with the fleaux!

  3. Lady Ngo says:

    I don’t think you should do something you’re not comfortable doing, regardless of whether its with a “buddy” or if its with hubby. Only do what you want to do. And not that it should sway you, know that there are plenty of folks who are gonna chuck deuces (or put a limit on what they’ll do to/for u) if you don’t do certain things.

    But if you like doin xyz, as long as ur being safe about it, i say go for it!

  4. CHeeKZ Money says:

    what’s the point of living life if you are going to hold back?

    Show me a nice box, and you are showing me a box I want to eat. I except head from women who kiss me, its rudimentary. Like saying hello or chewing gum. Its head! Its a basic form of human expression.

    1. Reecie says:

      “Like saying hello or chewing gum.”

      you are something else, Cheekz. lol

  5. Cheekie says:

    Let’s talk about how that post picture must happen in my life sooner than later.

  6. Vanessa says:

    I enjoy giving and receiving oral, but that is a little more intimate for casual sex to me. Call me conservative but given the level of STDs, particularly in the black community, I would have to say….naw,I’m not going to be able to do it.
    What’s the scoop on head w\condoms w\o spermacide or dental dams?
    Not to be a Debbie Downer, it may not sound sexy, but it probably beats oral herpes and having to take HIV meds. I want to reach 90 yrs. old HIV free.

  7. I think it’s a matter of comfort level. I would stand by my “no head” rule if we’re not committed, but if I felt comfortable enough happened only once with me then I don’t see a problem with it. The one time I decided to, I was caught up in the moment, there was no forethought, I just did it. I didn’t feel any different haven done it. Of course some time had passed since the initial fwb hook up. Not to mention, he had stopped partaking of the “salad bar”, so had to make it appetizing again.I wouldn’t necessarily give it a time frame. But it’s how comfortable do you feel with this person.

  8. I think if you’re selective about who you smash, you don’t have to worry about it.

    If you have to ask yourself whether or not you’d be comfortable giving that person top, then maybe that’s not someone you should be sleeping with.

    1. OSHH says:

      LOL I agree, and would go even further with the notion that I don’t do casual sex! IMO there is nothing casual about the act TBW.

  9. Reecie says:

    I’ve changed as I’ve gotten older, but I haven’t always done oral in a casual sex situation. I still feel like I reserve the right not to. Nobody wants to be forced to do anything. It really depends…go for what you know and want. But to answer the question yes I’d be mad if a guy refused to do me. I know its not fair though…and luckily I haven’t had these issues.

  10. Melissa says:

    First off, to answer the question at hand, I don’t believe in holding back but if you have limits and you’re both willing to live within them, then cool..

    However….(I think you’ve had a similar post before because i seem to remember having this convo and my reaction still stands)…….

    To be fucking and not giving head is so backwards to me, I can’t even explain. To me, getting access to sticking it in me is pretty much as VIP as you can get…the only thing above that is the backdoor. And my reason for this is pretty elementary but makes perfect sense (to me): I can’t get pregnant with your d*ck in my mouth. Now, maybe this is due to the fact that the possibility of getting pregnant as a teen scared me so much that I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 22, but I don’t understand how that possibility of getting pregnant by someone is less VIP than sucking it. am I the only one who thinks this way?

  11. I’m the kind of guy who likes to talk to/get to know FwB potentials before getting down w/ the get down, so their affinity for oral and their willingness to participate in giving and receiving is a definite conversation piece in our “Discovery” phase.

    More often than not, if she’s not into oral for that kind of scenario, my interest is severely diminished. If it were not for the fact that on a fairly semi-regular basis a woman will suck dick despite saying she’s not into it, I’d lose complete interest altogether. I’ve met a good amount of women who “suck anyway” to know that oftentimes they say they don’t/won’t suck as a way of either warding off judgmental men or prevent themselves from looking like a slut or whatever.

    If I DO decide to try her out despite her disinterest in extra-relationship fellatio, I automatically do NOT perform oral on her (unless I’m having an off night sexually and an orgasm or 3 need to be given to at least partially salvage my rep). And if she’s the kind of woman to practically insist on cunnilingus despite not wanting to give head, well…she just gave me something to laugh about as I do everything to her BUT lick the box.

  12. GirlSixx is ChloeRayne516 says:

    I think it’s okay to take oral encounters off the table in a Fwb/casual relationship because to me blessing the mic is extremely intimate and it’s not something I would do to someone who is just a casual/fwb/cut buddy and I wouldn’t expect you to do me, but if you chose to do me, I wouldn’t stop you.

  13. i’m from the school of thought that if you’re comfortable having sex with that person then you should at least be comfortable with the idea of having oral sex with that person. not saying that it has to happen every time but if we’re fucking for an extended (relative) period of time then something needs to do down.

    that’s like having sex with a person and not wanting to kiss them because its too intimate.

  14. Prettykeety says:

    I feel like sex is incomeplete if I don’t get oral. I’ve always gotten and I don’t think I’d take it too well if I met a guy who decides he didn’t want to do it. But I usually enjoy intercourse more than oral.

    BUT, I won’t give oral to a guy I wouldn’t have unprotected sex with. That’s just me.

  15. I baffled by the notion that giving head is more intimate or VIP than sex. That speaks to a level of conditioning and game that is beyond my simple comprehension. But to answer the question, Bun B said it best, “I Neva fcuk a hoe wit out head no mo”. Not calling FwB a hoe but there is no real benefit if we can’t be the freak we both need.

  16. TheLeoGrl says:

    Interesting Fact – The guy on the bed in this post pic is Lenny Kravitz. I know because I have it framed and hanging in my bedroom *grin* That is all.

  17. Max this question inspired me so much I had to blog about it. I sourced you of course, but we got some interesting convos going on about this one on The Block

  18. William Templar says:

    I kinda selfishly EXPECT head…without eating the salad.

    And worse yet, no to a ONS box lunch

    BUT, for a FwB…it depends on how long we been having this arrangement and a few other minor points.
    I wouldn’t even too much kiss a FwB, far less sample down south

    But I’d take some head

  19. M-Jabur says:

    I’ll be grateful if you kindly accept my comment.Proudly I’m respect all kinds of women in the world or any female ,because she founding me in this big world, from my mother love i’m coming to this world.So I’m loved this sweet human too much and forever.Thank U again.
    Sincerely Your’s


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *