Mr. Nice Guy

nice-guy

15 days from now I will officially be teetering on the brink between mid and late thirties. And as I’m sure most of you do when you have a birthday approaching, I’ve been taking stock of my life and myself. And while there are plenty of things I hope will change for the better before my next milestone birthday, there is one thing lesson I’ve learned in my old-ish age for which I am particularly grateful: I have learned to appreciate a nice guy.

Like every other chick in the world does at some point in her life, I’ve been enthralled by asshole men last week in the past. I’ve mistaken angst for excitement, insecurity for passion, and lack of consideration for fear of commitment. I’ve explained away unspeakable acts as the price of entry to being with an “interesting” man. I’ve turned a blind eye to disrespect, ignored my friends’ concern about shitty treatment, and acted like my life was the physical manifestation of Jon B’s “They Don’t Know”. I’ve mistaken emotional availability for simpishness, an eagerness to talk to me as desperation, and uncomplicatedness for boringness. As I wrote about on Monday, I’ve overlooked the good guy while gnashing my teeth over the jackass, because I thought that nice = boring.

No more.

At the ripe old age of I’m not telling, I am all about the nice guys. I’m all for a man who hits me up on gchat at the same time every day and actively participates in the conversation rather than drifting off after seven lines. I’m all about the man who asks me what I want to do on a date and over the one who bullies me into doing what he wants or worse, doesn’t even know what he wants to do. These days, if you’re not nice to me I don’t want to know about you.

I’m no longer interested in a man who doesn’t call after the first slam – no “extenuating circumstances” can explain away the fact that that is not nice. If you have me at your house after 10pm and don’t offer me cab fare home, you’re officially not nice and I officially don’t want to know about you. The minute you make me feel crazy, make me feel insecure, or make me feel like I’m not allowed to ask you a simple question, you’re stripped off your nice guy title and I’ll be looking for the runner up to fulfill your duties.

At __ years of age I realize that there is a beautiful simplicity in dealing with a nice guy. There is a spare cleanliness to being in an uncomplicated relationship, zen in not wondering where you stand. Do the butterflies dissipate when you get involved with a man that keeps you guessing? Sure they do. But at this point I’ve had enough butterflies to fill several colonies and I’ll take peace in my heart over knots in my stomach any day of the week.

But don’t misunderstand me – I’m not advocating for the simp. No matter how old I get, I will never be the kind of woman who can be with a man who lets me rule him. I will never get wet over a punk, never respect a man who doesn’t know how to put me in my place. But I do appreciate a man whose default position is nice and only brings out his assholeness when the situation warrants it.

I’m getting older and my blood pressure is rising and I can no longer deal with dramatics in my life. I don’t want to agonize over how to best word a text message to increase the chances that the fuckwit on the other end will respond. I have a job and a blog and a life and I no longer have time to be up half the night on the phone with my girlfriend, going over everything that happened between me and the man du jour to figure out why his behaviour has suddenly gone left. I want a man who is nice enough to tell me when he has a problem and stick around long enough to see the discussion through to a resolution.

At a certain point in every woman’s life she has to recognize that she’s aged out of certain things. The same way that you have to give up your bra-free days when gravity takes hold of your titties, so must you relinquish your hold on the assholes of the world and let the young energetic ones beat their heads against the wall over them. If you’re in your late thirties and still losing sleep over a not-nice guy, it’s time for you to re-evaluate your lifespace.

10 years ago my motto was “you’ve got to be at least a little bit of an asshole if you want to be Mr. Max”. These days it’s “Oh you’re a nice guy? Then come sit by me.”

What say you ladies? Are you embracing the nice guys or are you still losing sleep over the fuckwits? Men do you start embracing nice girls at a certain point in time or do you chase after crazy until the day you die? Speak on it in the comments.

bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 52

  1. Bumblebee_C says:

    Max I must agree,

    I am about 10 days shy of Happy None ya darn beeswax day, and I been doing some reflection… most of the reflection has made me utterly depressed, but that’s not what I came on here for.

    I thought that drama meant that you care. But it doesn’t…it just means your ass is unstable and that makes two of us if I continue to follow your a**.

    I now prefer a nice guy. Not saying you can all the way trust them either, but its knowing that 98% of the time you won’t wake up to some crazy chick calling your phone due to her snooping in his phone or the phone bill. Or having someone threaten to come to your job. Or that crazed guy that keeps calling after 10 pm even though you stated before yaw aint smashing right away.

    Peace of mind is grand. And I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

  2. blackgirlmd says:

    YES to this whole post.

    After dating my first nice guy, I have never been able to go back to the a$$hole dude. The drama is just not worth it. And kudos to you for getting to the root of all that emotionality that keeps us addicted. I’m so intolerant of that stuff now, I finally see and understand the behavior my dad was trying to teach me to hold out for, and I settle for nothing less!

  3. Aleyah the Great says:

    i agree. these days i’m trying to give nice guys a chance and trying to stay away from the jerks. it’s hard though sometimes the jerks have such appealing personalities. they’re the ones that stand out in a crowd, etc. but i can’t deal with another douchebag dude though, so i’ll just keep my distance and not get sucked in.

  4. nectar says:

    What’s the main driver?
    Is it prior experience with assholes that leads to a desire to settle with a nice guy? Or is it primarily age? That is: if you could take a quantum leap into your 25yr old body, would you still want a Nice Guy?

    1. max says:

      I take exception to your use of the word “settle”, but yes I would say for me I would say it’s primarily age and the wisdom, maturity, fatigue – whatever you want to call it – that comes with it.
      If I was transported back to my 25 year old brain I’m sure nice guys would seem less appealing.

  5. Fan says:

    Just wanted to reach out, I read numerous blogs but I’ve never commented on any. I’ve read your blog every day for the past year and I can attest that you just seem to verbalize exactly how I’m feeling. Love your writing !! :)

  6. TaurusNY says:

    I love this post, and came to this decision not too long ago. I’m done with the bull -ish.

  7. “And yes I realize that usually happens to people in their mid-fifties, but I think I’m justified in having mine a bit early since I doubt I’ll live to be much older than 72. 15 days from now I will officially be teetering on the brink between mid and late thirties.”

    72? way to be optimistic. o_0 either way 15 days till the national holiday twin. have you figured out where you’re staying and all that? i finally made the reservation for friday night.

    i think that with my birthday approaching and the fact i will be entering my 30s has had the opposite effect on me. i’m loving life and where i’m at.

    as far as nice guys i don’t know why you didn’t see the light earlier. nice guys don’t run the 100m, we win the marathon. i’ve always been into nice girls. i don’t have the aptitude to deal with anything else.

    1. max says:

      I finally settled the details of my trip yesterday. I can’t wait to take over your party celebrate our joint birthday. Send me some deets please!

      Like I just tweeted to you, 72 seems really old to me. Maybe it’s because there haven’t been too many people in my family who have lived that long, I don’t know. And that’s too morbid for today.

      1. well i want to live to see at least 90. now i think that’s a great age to go. i’ll email in a second.

  8. Danielle says:

    I am going to be an awesome 36 years in January and I love me some nice guys too always have.But I am all over the place, I have so many things that I want to do, I seem to wear people out. Good, bad, indifferent. So it is what it is. But yes, nice guys are awesome as long as they are secure! Don’t forget they can be nice and crazy too. lol

    1. OSHH says:

      Right cause you can also be nice and controlling, nice and posessive, nice and wack in bed, nice and ignorant, nice and selfish etc…….geunine kindness is something we all can agree on tho!

  9. OSHH says:

    “Nice” guy can be a loaded term LOL and frequently confused and misused. What I prefer @ my age, cause I think we are in same range, is a man who values, cares for, and respects me as a person and a woman. Whose treatment of me is consistent with their words, who is simply about me, and lets it be known in ways big and small, subtle and not so subtle!

  10. SD says:

    First off 2 things I learned from this post:
    1. a man whose default position is nice and only brings out his assholeness when the situation warrants it = me! = nice guy? eh

    2. Im officially adding the word “fuckwit” to my vocab

    now we proceed
    “Men do you start embracing nice girls at a certain point in time or do you chase after crazy until the day you die?”

    I’ve had one crazy chick in my lifetime and although she was very addictive I wont ever ever-ever-ever go that route again..I’m all about the nice, sweet FREAKY chicks! for some reason they know when to shut the eff up!

  11. LaLaBakir says:

    I’m definitely embracing nice guys and dare I say…its like learning a foreign languauge. You see, after dealing w/ a # of @ssholes…you adapt to your surroundings. While you know, deep down…that this is some f*ck sh*t…you’ve learned how to “take one on the chin” and keep it moving.

    Being with a nice guy, you have unlearn your @sshole surival techniques. And its nice, and wonderful. You realize what you’ve been missing out on.

    Once you go nice, you never go….well I can’t think of anything that fits that rhymes w/ nice…but you’ll never go back.

    1. CHeeKZ Money says:

      you’ve learned how to “take one on the chin”

      pause

        1. CHeeKZ Money says:

          my ninja…. you know better than that.

  12. QueenT says:

    Max this is the beautiful thing about getting older..you start to really understand what you want and will not tolerate…lol

    I like nice guys..but, they have to be a little bit edgy at the same time..but, nice is good.

  13. Stanley says:

    I mastered how to deal with women in college. Colleges are there for people to study, studying the game is just a couple of more credits.
    Although there were more women than men, the men who got laid first were the assholes. I became one to compete for the attention of the pretty girls. Now wonder how well this worked for me. I’m going to be one till I can’t continue being one.

  14. BP says:

    Great post Maxie! I am happy you are only dealing with nice guys these days ;-)

    For the last 5 years or so I have only dealt with nice guys that spoil me reciprocate what I do to make them happy. When I am with someone I go all out to let them know that they are loved and appreciated. If I don’t get that in return after a few weeks of dating, I call things off. I am too crazy strong willed to deal with dudes and their asshole tendencies. Also, guys that are “nice” but don’t want to commit…they no longer get my time either.

  15. RP14 says:

    Great Post Max! I have always been attracted to what I thought were nice guys only to find out, that they had a nice guy covering…oh well such is life!

    1. OSHH says:

      Wolves in sheeps clothing huh? LOL
      Yep that’s I why said beware of the title “nice”!

      1. RP14 says:

        Exactly!!! I’m cautious of the title Nice guy and “good catch”…makes my teeth itch :-)

  16. Oh I’m all mushy about you and the nice guys!!!!!

    But I’m at a different level. I grew up too fast, married too young, yadda yadda yadda. I’m still digging the assholes. Yeah, I’m going backwards in my life right now but I’ll worry about that next year when I turn a very monumental age. It’s a big one. I’m hoping to embrace it.

    In the meantime, I’ll just keep being my crazy, wild, carefree 24 years.

    ;)

  17. CHeeKZ Money says:

    i use to be a nice guy. I use to leave love notes on chicks dorm rooms who I was feelings. I would turn down one night stands. I was honest, always looking for a relationship. I would always ask for permission before I ever made the first physical move……

    Than I grew the eff up and saw how much more loving guys got who didn’t care about ho3s. So I stop caring and became a goon. I just finished watching Spread last night, that movie did nothing but justify why nice guys finish last.

  18. Sam Sharpe says:

    Max, as a pretty nice guy (most of the time) I greet this kind of news with a bit of a shoulder shrug. If a woman doesn’t figure out that a$$holes aint’ sh** by time she’s 18 (okay maybe that’s harsh) well…..no kudos. No dap from me. It’s like figuring out that eating at McDonald’s every day is going to make you fat.

    As for me, I’ve never chased crazy. Crazy chased me while I chased the nice girls who were too busy chasing the a$$holes who avoided the crazy girls like the plague because they didn’t need ‘em since the nice girls were all in their grill. I realize that makes me sound a little bitter (I’m not) but my late teens and early 20s were just like a romantic comedy. Minus the laughs and happy ending.

    1. oh ok says:

      ditto…I feel ya Sam!

  19. GirlSixx says:

    Good for you Max!!!!

    Nice guys are definitely easier on the brain and nervous system, but if they are too nice/predictable they become boring. As for me, right now, I enjoy both Mr. Nice Guy and Mr. Fuckwit — it’s a good balance. :)

  20. It is what it is

    I rather be a jerk & deal with young pu$$y, rather than be a nice guy and be sentenced to 30+ aging spinster pu$$y…

    I love you Max, but it is what it is… Charge it to the game

    SSTTE

    1. max says:

      And just like that, you’re blocked again. It was nice having you around Adonis.

      1. GirlSixx says:

        Crackin the Hell Up!!!!

        *smh*

  21. LINK It is what it is LINK

    I rather be a jerk & deal with young pu$$y, rather than be a nice guy and be sentenced to 30+ aging spinster pu$$y…

    I love you Max, but it is what it is… Charge it to the game

    SSTTE

    1. OSHH says:

      Only a youngin would say some dumb sh*t like this LOL, not knowing or realizing a woman doesn’t peak sexually til she is in her late 30′s +, and not all women have been all ran thru accumulating frequent flier milage. Also anything under 30, for me personally on a man, I couldn’t take seriously or even consider, outside a loose acquaintance.

      1. CHeeKZ Money says:

        Who cares about when a woman peaks? That is just feminist rubbish spread out to make generations of women feel better about constantly being thrown to the curb for younger jawns.

        Seriously, what does peaking have to do with my piece? How does that help me?
        Tell me something useful, like women are more likely to take it in the backdoor past 30. But chexual peak? What does that have to do with anything?!

        We want younger b/c it looks better
        Tays are firmer, Waist is smaller. Face is fresher.

        1. OSHH says:

          You are the same dude who likes other dudes watchin him phcuk Correct?
          Your opinion doesn’t matter to me.
          Have a nice day!

          1. CHeeKZ Money says:

            O my opinion doesn’t matter?!?
            Well maybe it will when your man leaves you for a newer OSHH 2.0 upgrade.

            Shorties want to dismiss everything a man tells them about men just because they don’t like what they are hearing. The site is called Max-Logic, not Max-Comfort_me_with_useless_information.net

            Lastly, how in the WORLD did my affinity for inappropriate PDA, become translated in people’s close minded head into ” other dudes watchin him phcuk”. When did the moral right take blogosphere.

      2. Malik says:

        Cheek, always keeping it 100 regardless of how uncouth he might be.

        OSHH, you’re under the delusion that it’s the norm for men to care about your satisfaction.

        1. OSHH says:

          I’m under no delusion, I stated a fact, medical and scientific FACT. Whether YOU care or not, matters not.
          But the dude I am with, and actually phucking WILL, or else he wouldn’t be that dude. You have lovely afternoon also!

          1. Malik says:

            I know it’s a fact. I was just telling you you’re wasting your time telling Adonis that because he has no desire to satisfy a woman sexually.

  22. Julia says:

    Once again, Max, on point. Thanks for the well-worded and WISE thoughts!

  23. @OSHH

    Only a youngin would say some dumb sh*t like this LOL,

    I am 23, so you are on-point with that remark

    not knowing or realizing a woman doesn’t peak sexually til she is in her late 30′s +,

    I know anecdotally this is true, however I need some stats, it is my opinion that women in their most fertile years are peaking s*xually (18-30, & that coincides with the a$$hole craving)… We’ll agree to disagree

    and not all women have been all ran thru accumulating frequent flier milage.

    Sluts & wh*re are so prevalent in our society, every woman I encounter is a wh*re until proven chaste/virgin swag… Guilty By Association… So, again, Charge It To The Game

    Also anything under 30, for me personally on a man, I couldn’t take seriously or even consider, outside a loose acquaintance.

    @OSHH I actually co-sign this, because men on average, attractive stock peaks in his late 30′s, assuming that he got his swag & resources together…

    Nevertheless, now & in in 10 years I will be pillaging this crop & next crop of 20s year olds when they hit the s*xual marketplace…

    30+ women are only good for flings & sexual experience…

    SSTTE

    P.S. Mr. Nice Guy is almost every Western woman’s second/third string , d!ck-in-a-glass jar guy

    LINK And according to my boo Max, those type of guys have to wait & settle for some ran thru pu$$y LINK

    If guys need a reason to learn from Thugs, Pimps & White Guys Who ride Harley Davidson’s , this post & any other similar ones she wrote should be a harsh lesson to the up & coming men of the next generation…..

    1. GirlSixx says:

      “30+ women are only good for flings & sexual experience”

      This comment here ^^^^ just murked my soul. #Geesh

      1. OSHH says:

        This individal hasn’t lived long enough to know or appreciate what 30+ women are good for, get there, then holla back!

  24. i used to be a nice guy(in high school)…until i met that fast girl that did me dirty. idk…but something about how she manipulated me at such a young age kinda flipped a switch in my mind. i realized that all the dudez around me that were gettin the booty weren’t nice guyz. i studied my peerz b/c i didn’t have older siblingz…and what i learned waz that if u give her the world, she’ll take it & run. but treat her like she’z EASILY replaceable, she’ll love ur dirty drawlz. so, i drove em crazy every chance i got. and i gotta admit…it waz kinda fun watchin the mayhem, until something backfired every now and then.

    i’ve since returned to my good guy wayz after i’d had enough feminine tearz & snotz smeared on my Polo’z and peacoatz az they begged or clawed at me after i broke it off or they found out i waz smashin their homie. but i will say that i agree…the bullshit getz old. i got tired of “cuffin season” and scrollin thru my phone jus to find someone to have dinner with me.

    at 27 yrz old, i now enjoy my life, my WIFE (oh yes, my “Main Jane” got my last name…ya da da mean?!), and our 2 kidz. i dont feel like i settled…i feel like i GREW.

  25. ncvirgogal says:

    This resonates with me so much! I just turned 26 and just had to cut off an asshole who kept me guessing with his hot and cold nature along with his “I’m confident” arrogance. Did he like and care for me? Some parts of me say yes and some parts of me say no. Dealing with an asshole is exciting as a lady in her mid-20s but as I have just reached the “other side of 25″, I’m realizing what you have too. My problem is, at age 25/26…there aren’t really any “nice guys”…maybe faux nice guys so maybe I should date older but even then, there are some bad apples. Great post Max!

  26. Vanessa says:

    As me and my girlfriend say, “give me a corny dude…here corny corny corny” but seriously, there’s power in those rolling hills and no reason to put ourselves through the rigamarole. I need to limit the number of sad and tragic stories in my lovespan.

  27. rebecca says:

    But that picture though… whew! definitely eye-catching

  28. MissTee says:

    LOVE THIS! Each line is the TRUTH. It’s simply not worth it – all the stress, all the heartache, the guessing game – nah. It’s enough to turn you into an a** hole too. I made the mistake of trading my Nice Guy for a flashier more exciting model. Chile it’s been nothin but stress n disrespect. Comes a time when you’ve had all the a** holes you can take and you say to yourself I deserve better. Staying with the a**hole, now THAT’S settling.

  29. Martin says:

    So basically you’re the former hoe, who now thinks some ‘nice guy’ is going to wife her up?

    Prepare for generic bitter-black-women post fellow readers.
    LOL. You’re such a typical black woman.

  30. noize says:

    so what you’re saying is, if you want to spend your time with young chicks looking for excitement, be an asshole; if you want women in their late thirties who are (now) no longer interested in excitement and who see you as a second choice to “settle” for, be nice. got it.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Connect with Facebook

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>