He’s Not You


But it wasn’t you on gchat. It was Him. He’s cool and all – he’s great actually – but he’s just not you. He’s funny, but not like you’re funny. He gives good advice, but his doesn’t make me reevaluate my entire life like yours does. You’re both smart, but you’re smart in a way that blows my mind. He’s just regular smart.

I’m sure you wondering why, since he so pales in comparison to you, I even bother with him. You would ask me why I would settle for the rest when I have the best in you. But here’s the thing: he is nice to me, while you…baffle me. Confuse me. Frustrate the shit out of me. I can count on him, while pinning my hopes to you is a riskier proposition than picking the Raptors to win. He doesn’t make me work for him like you make me work for you. He makes me feel like things between us are a prize he won. And you? You make me feel like things between us are a test that I’m failing miserably.

But still he’s not you. And while most of the time I enjoy being around him, sometimes being near him just makes me miss you more. Sometimes he says something and I hear not what he said, but what you would have said in the same circumstances. And that just makes him seem wrong. Because I want you. And he’s not you.

Of course I’m sleeping with him. I’m a red-blooded woman with needs and you’re not around to fulfill them anymore. And it’s not that I don’t like it. It’s not that he doesn’t know what he’s doing. It’s just that it’s different. Because he’s not you. And so everything about him – from what he whispers in my ear as he strokes me deeply, to the way he watches my face when I cum, to the noises he makes when I take him in my mouth – is different. It feels wrong. He’s gentle where you are rough. Vocal when you are reticent. He makes me feel treasured while you made me feel conquered.

Sometimes afterward I lie next to him, my head resting on my chest as he strokes my hair and I sigh in contentment. I think of all the times you turned away from me and fell asleep. I picture my hand tentatively reaching out to stroke your back; not knowing whether you wanted to be touched right then or if it was better to leave you alone. I think about how safe I feel and how long it’s been since I’ve felt safe and I just…miss you. Because I love the way he makes me feel but he’s just not you.

I wonder sometimes if you’ve ruined me for other men. Because I have a good one right in front of me and all I can do is compare him to you. And I wonder if there will ever come a time when you stop being the benchmark against which I measure every other man. I wonder if your fuckwittage will ever stop seeming like normal behaviour so I can just relax and enjoy the ease of an accessible man. I wonder if I’ll ever stop wanting to know what could have been between you and me and just appreciate what is with him.

He’s a good guy. A smart, sexy, funny guy who indulges me but also knows how to shut me down when I’m getting out of hand. A man that feels me and isn’t afraid to let me know it. He’s the platonic ideal of man, right here in front of me and I should be scrambling to lock him down before someone else snatches him up. He’s everything I ever wanted you to be. But he’s not you. And most of the time I just wish he was.

You guys feel me? Speak on it in the comments.

bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 24

  1. Tele Kendall says:

    girl. girl. girl. speak to me. all of that right now.

  2. LuvinLyfe says:

    Wow. I feel this so much more than u can ever imagine… I’m speechless…

  3. MzWoods says:

    this! “You make me feel like things between us are a test that I’m failing miserably.”
    and this!! “Sometimes he says something and I hear not what he said, but what you would have said in the same circumstances.”
    are giving me EVERYTHING right now… *bowing at the alter of Max*

  4. cherish says:

    Yes yes AMEN, u said exactly how I felt

  5. Danie says:

    Damn you Max, I didn’t want to read this today. I’m in that position now. Booo. See the thing when it comes to the he’s not you scenario, the man before was an Avoidant man and the one you have now is a Secure man-there are no crazy mood swings with the secure man. They let you know what they want and they like reciprocity. However, I suspect that you are somewhat an anxious woman like myself (we are air signs) and when they crazy isn’t going on well it seems a bit boring at times but it’s not, it’s just normal. It takes a little bit of re-wiring of the thought process.

    I got all that from this really good book called Attached:The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find-And Keep-Love by Dr. Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A. I’m always curious how about how people connect and love and socialize.Every book I brought from the soon to be defunct Borders is self -help and psychology.

    1. Chawntay says:

      Can we have a moment of silence for Borders. . . . . . . . Alright.

  6. one of three says:

    Filling. You max , but here is the kicker
    Do you just forget him or do you live in Hope ?

  7. OSHH says:

    Pasty Cline comes to mind “why can’t he be you”.

  8. SD says:

    man logic states you either A. be an asshole and always get the girl or at least always have her thinking about you or B. be the nice guy and have ya girl thinking about the asshole dude while she lays next to you..


    Yall love it, but yall hate it, but yall LOVE it!

    1. OSHH says:

      But you know what, eventually it gets tired then retired.

      1. SD says:

        True but why put yaself through all of that??

        1. OSHH says:

          You live and you learn and you do better!
          I know for myself, I let the asshole go, couldn’t do it anymore. At one point I was hoping he’d outgrow the douchy behavior/trife lifetstyle and want to be better as a man and human being but some people like living lies and selfishly etc., so have at it!
          I extended myself/my love/my friendship to that individual for that last time, and have made peace that he isn’t the one for me in any capacity or the standard to measure anyone up against.
          He was a lesson learned in a now closed chapter.

    2. GirlSixx says:

      “Yall love it, but yall hate it, but yall LOVE it”


      So True!!

  9. Tbone says:

    Long time reader, never commented before…but his right here…this right here is what is in my head. There is nothing like being in love with a FUCWIT

  10. RP14 says:

    I feel you…My logic is He’s Not you…and that is a good thing!!!

  11. Amos Banks says:

    “Maybe we’ll be butterflies”.

  12. GirlSixx says:

    I feel you, but at some point Max you going to have to make an effort to Just Love the One Your With and forgot about the One You Want otherwise you will never fully open yourself up to the possibilities of a normal, healthy, & loving relationship.

    1. OSHH says:

      or just accept what is and what ain’t…..looking ahead and toward the future’s possibilies, as opposed to looking back @ closed doors, closed because you couldn’t get what you needed there and everything associated with dealing with them folk came at too high of a cost(like your sanity, diginity, self respect etc).

      I’m saying all this out loud in cyberspace LOL as much to Max and everyone else as I am saying it to myself, because I had been in that same space far too long. Far too long, hoping and longing for someone and certain things from them that they will never be able give to me. Even if you aren’t in the arms of anyone @ this particular space and time, you’re really good without people that don’t value and/or care about you enough to show it consistently on the reg, without it being a guessing game etc etc etc.

  13. Kema says:

    Good ole Push Pull…

    I’ve already admitted to myself that I tend to like guys that dont really like me… or at least act like they dont. I wonder how you turn this around and like the guys that treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

  14. nyangi says:

    I so feel you.word. its maddening how some man can mindfuck without being in your life. I’ve let two awesome men walk away because they weren’t him yet he couldn’t give a damn if I exist yet he’s the yardstick
    Voodoo. Nuff said

  15. nyangi says:

    I want to forget him coz he’s not worth me. Love this post. So true.I let go of the one who cherished me coz I was turning out to be like Mr unavailable. I miss normal self-respecting me.

  16. @bigbruhBT says:

    Great point by @SD but I think this line kinda says it all “He makes me feel treasured while you made me feel conquered.” Why compare a KING to a thief???

  17. Carmen says:

    Just went through that not to long ago and i had to let them both go. This was beautiful thank you

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