Like my girl Shonnerz always tells me, I am a mess. Not in the scandalous way, but I’m a total scatterbrain. My home and office are in a constant state of barely-controlled chaos, and my method of keeping track of important things basically boils down to “put it somewhere and hope I find it later”.
My closets are empty because my clothes are kept on different “clothes chairs” for different purposes and I can never find anything in my kitchen cupboards because everything is put in the first available empty spot and that changes from one day to the next.
I am all over the place.
But despite my scatterbrained, laissez-faire, devil-may-care attitude about life, there are certain things that I am hyper anal about. If they’re not organized exactly the way I want them I get panicky and I will waste retarded amounts of time making sure they are just so, regardless of how unimportant it is. For example:
Spades go with diamonds and clubs go with hearts. I’m pretty sure that was the 11th commandment and it somehow was missed when the Bible was written. If I’m playing any kind of solitaire game – whether on my phone or with actual cards – the suits have to go together or I cannot concentrate. I would sooner lose the game and have the suits matched together properly than defile a spade by matching it with a heart. It just looks disgusting and makes me antsy.
The songs in my iTunes library have to be named properly. They must. The genres must be the way I want them: Hip Hop not Hip-Hop or even worse: Rap/Hip Hop and it’s R&B, not R & B. I check this regularly and any offenders must be fixed immediately. If a song is a remix with a featured artist, it goes like this: Get Money Remix feat. Notorious B.I.G. no parentheses, and you cannot (you MUST NOT) capitalize the F in feat.). It has to be Lil’ Wayne and Lil’ Kim and Lil’ Cease – those apostrophes are so crucial. I spend half my life fixing songs because everything has to be just so or I don’t enjoy the music as much.
Similarly, the names in my address book on my phone have to be in the right format. If you’re in there under your government name, it has to be capitalized and if it’s capitalized it has to be first name and last name, like this: Colin Telford. There can’t just be “Colin”. That would be wrong. However, if you’re in there under your street name (or e-name) then it must be all on one line and it MUST be lower case. It’s cheekie, not Cheekie. That’s just all types of wrong and I will get stabby if I don’t fix it immediately.
My nails must be polished at all time. Bare nails give me a funny feeling. And not in a good way. They must be oval and there must be 1/32 inch of space between the nail bed and the polish. If the polish leaks all the way down to the cuticle that shit has to come off and I have to start over. When my nails grow to the point where it become 1/16 inch of space, that shit has to come off immediately. There cannot be smudges anywhere and no traces of polish on the sides of my finger. I have peeled layers of skin off the sides of my nails too many times trying to pick that shit off in a meeting because I cannot concentrate on anything when there’s a spot of polish on my finger. It’s just so wrong.
I cannot work on a computer if the desktop is a) messy or b) has no background image. Even though I rarely see my computer’s desktop, if it’s not right I can feel it and it distracts me from whatever I’m doing. The background image has to be just right – a beautiful photo or an official Raptors wallpaper, something “official”. It can’t be one of those windows standards joints and it damn sure cannot be just some picture of my friends or family. It must be stretched to the full size of the desktop – there will be no tiles and for everything that is holy in life it cannot just be centred with a bunch of empty space around it. God no.
There can be no more than 8 icons on my desktop at any one time and they must be of vital importance. If it’s a shortcut that I never use, it has no reason to be there and must be removed immediately. All icons must be in the bottom left corner of the screen and like icons go together – folders with folders, programs with programs, and files with files. If it’s not arranged properly the world will explode.
I have a lot of books and it can be a struggle to find the one I want when I want it so I have to keep them arranged the proper way. So I have three bookcases in my house and they are arranged thusly:
Bookcase #1 (the “good” one): The top of the bookshelf is where I keep great Black books. Native Son, Invisible Man, all the Toni Morrisons and Alice Walkers and suchlike. Then the actual shelves are filled with good Black books in descending order…the best ones on the top shelf, pretty good on the second shelf, etc. etc.
Bookcase #2: Great white people books on the top and then good white books on the second shelf, and so on.
Bookcase #3: Okay books of any race.
If a book is deemed less than okay, it goes in the “crappy books I can’t get rid of because you don’t throw away books” bin in the hall closet.
Let me find a Nick Hornby book on my Black bookcase and there is hell to pay.
And God no I do not alphabetize my books, that would be crazy. Can you imagine how the genres would be defiled if I arranged them according to something so random as the alphabet? Crazy!
So that’s my list, what say you guys? Anyone anal about the same things? What are you guys anal about? Speak on it in the comments.
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