Ask Max: I Haven’t Had Sex in Four Years

06
Sep
2011
blue-balls

I'm about to turn 21 and I haven't had sex in a little over four years. You can imagine what that's done for my self-esteem on all levels. To boot I've never had a relationship with any kind of substance last longer than a few months at best.


I’m about to turn 21 and I haven’t had sex in a little over four years. You can imagine what that’s done for my self-esteem on all levels. To boot I’ve never had a relationship with any kind of substance last longer than a few months at best.

I admittedly wore the “nice guy” helm for most of my life. Some would say I was even on the board at one point but in recent years my testes have descended a bit and I’ve refrained from groveling at the feet of the more attractive gender. That growth aside I still find myself courting girls who while enthralled at first eventually lose interest within a couple weeks.

Most recently I involved myself with a girl in an abusive relationship and despite my giving her my all and admittedly doing/showing her things no one she’s come across has done before she ultimately chose to stay with her abuser. Broke my heart. It’s shit like this that makes me feel supremely inadequate.

That even at my best I can’t garner any kind of love for myself. And she has genuine affections for me but between her issues and the slathering of emotions I poured over her in my initial excitement that something real could possibly manifest for me after all this time she hasn’t been able to cultivate a strong enough attraction to try and build something between us outside friendship. I feel like I can’t trust myself in my ignorance.

Never really having had any “practice” in the goings on of men and women and having been removed from intimate experiences for so long I feel like I’m missing out on a lot of key innate relational knowledge. So much so that should I ever find someone interested in investing in something more with me I fear I’ll turn it to shit in spite of myself in my ignorance. How can I suck less at life, find love, and stop putting the Jergens Family through college?

Damn. Four years?!? I feel for you buddy. That’s gotta sting.

As far as I can see, there are three things you need to do here Doug. First of all, you need to go out and fuck someone posthaste. I don’t care who it is and neither should you, but you go out and get you some pussy immediately. A lot of terrible things happen to a man when he goes long periods of time without sex, not the least of which is that it turns him into a bitchass, and we don’t want that happening to you. So find a moist hole to stick it in and don’t come out til you’ve shot your entire load.

Which leads me to number two: make better choices. You got yourself involved with a woman in an abusive relationship. Even if you had Dr. Jay-esque skills this would be a challenge. Not only is that chick’s attention elsewhere, she also has poor self-esteem. And a woman with self-esteem issues is a fucking handful. That’s for live men and you my dear are but a freshman. Go find a normal girl.

Lastly, I get the feeling you turn into a simp when you get close to a girl. Which is understandable; I’m sure once you get your hands on one you don’t want to let her go so you do the most to keep her happy. That’s admirable, but it’s not going to help your cause.  You can’t be giving “your all” to every girl who lets you get a whiff of her; that’s bad for business. When it comes to men and women, a little remoteness goes a long way.

Now just so we’re clear, I don’t subscribe to that bullshit “nice guys finish last” school of thought. That’s just an excuse for men to act like pricks. It’s not nice guys who finish last, it’s boring, constantly accessible guys who finish last. Women like butterflies; they’re attracted to uncertainty and unpredictability – at least women your age are – so you gotta be a lot more confusing if you want to get anywhere. Why would old girl leave her boyfriend who, notwithstanding his unconscionable abusiveness, probably makes her feel like she’s starring in her very own soap opera for someone she can count on to always be there? That’s no fun for anyone. A man who is as predictable as a monthly period is about as appealing to a girl as…well as a monthly period.

So here’s what you do. First you find a mattress and you fuck the dogshit out of her. You gotta clean out your pipes. Then you find a girl and you give her some of the great treatments you usually give until she starts to become interested, and then you pull back. When you feel her interest start to wane, hit her again with the good shit, and then pull back a bit. Blow hot and cold, dazzle and then confuse, whatever you want to call it, the point is to stop being the man she can set her watch by and start being the one she can never quite pin down. I’m probably a traitor to my gender for advising this, but that shit works like a charm. Trust me.

Oh and one more thing: you might want to go study at the feet of the men of SBM. They can teach you a thing or two.

But what say you dear readers? Do you think my advice will work? What do you think Doug should do? Weigh in in the comments.

 


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24 Comments

  • S.O.U.L says:

    Love the Biggie reference !

  • Ray. says:

    Max u definitely hit that one on the head. We all kno women are crazy (but I love yall crazy asses tho) and they never actually want what they say they want. What they really want is someone they can’t have, can’t figure out, and/or shouldn’t be with (I.e. abuser, ex-boyfriend, abusive ex-boyfriend). I will say that he seems like an overly, overly nice guy and that shit does not fly. I’m not saying be an asshole but u can’t just be getting so close and giving so much that you’re able to get your heart broken and yall haven’t even made it an official relationship (at least). I’m not even talking about having sex, that wasn’t even his girl. Nice guys don’t always finish last but damn if they don’t have to train harder for the race.

  • ncvirgogal says:

    Unfortunately, Max is right about the give and pull back method to keep females interested. :/ Does this method work for females to keep the man interested? When I try, I always fail at it.

  • Ray. says:

    Bc we dont like that shit. If u gonna play games, let it be Madden.

    • ncvirgogal says:

      Uhhh women don’t like it either. It fcuks with our minds/emotions and after awhile, its annoying. Its my understanding this entire dating thing has turned into one big game. Some are winners and others like myself mostly stay on the losing side.

  • Keona says:

    I say go cougar hunting. Old women love young boys. Go to a club, flirt with the oldest woman there, make her feel young & pretty and get you some. Chicks hand it out like flyers these days, it can’t be this difficult.

    Once you date a few completely inappropriate women, you’ll get your confidence up to pursue someone who’s worthy of a guy like you.

  • “…A lot of terrible things happen to a man when he goes long periods of time without sex, not the least of which is that it turns him into a bitchass…”

    What does THAT mean?

    “…and we don’t want that happening to you…”

    Who are “we”?

    (shrug) Just giving your “advise” the benefit of a doubt…

  • I think some men have an abnormally low view of women. They really think women are only here for our pleasure, enjoyment and whatever other use we might have for them. That’s one end of the spectrum. The other, equally abnormal end of the spectrum are men who think every single woman should be worshiped and adored like she’s the virgin mother.

    My man, what you have to realize that not every woman wants to be treated like a queen every moment of every day of her life. Sometimes, they just wanna be regular, and be treated regular. When you treat a woman like a queen even when she doesn’t feel like one, you put pressure on her. You make it impossible for her to be herself around you because she feels like she always has to live up to these unreal expectations you have about who she is. In reality, she’s just human. Sometimes she feels a queenish, sometimes she has an unnecessary attitude, sometimes she feels a little hoeish and sometimes she feels a little prude. She’s human, just like you and wants to be treated as such.

    Also – stop giving so much of yourself to these chicks. You’re 21 homey. Here’s my assignment for you. The next time you meet a girl you really like, tell her with in the first couple times you hang out that you’re NOT interested in a relationship. Do everything you always say you do above, but just keep telling her you’re not ready for anything serious. Problem Solved.

    • Flyy says:

      Bwhahahahahahaha @ Most’s advice. I’m so sad (re: baffled) that this is right, at least for most chicks… and at his age like 99% of chicks.

      One other note, as Max stated… go out and getchu a piece but don’t fall in love w/ that piece. Ok? Ok.

    • “Sometimes, they just wanna be regular, and be treated regular. When you treat a woman like a queen even when she doesn’t feel like one, you put pressure on her.”

      realest advice on this post. i learned this lesson the hard way.

  • GirlSixx says:

    “That’s no fun for anyone. A man who is as predictable as a monthly period is about as appealing to a girl as…well as a monthly period.”

    REAL TALK!!!!! *R. Kelly’s voice*

  • I don’t think we have enough information to give this man any advice. A few things were odd to me about his story.

    I’d be interested in a profile of this guy, as well as the girl he slept with when he was 17.

    Something about this screams SVU or Biggest Loser to me.

  • Sam Sharpe says:

    FOUR YEARS WITHOUT SEX!!!!!

    That is an emergency. Code Red. I’m not sure I know enough about dude’s history to pass any judgment but what I do know is he desperately needs to bus’ a nut. Four weeks without sex and I start to make questionable decisions in life; I can’t even imagine what I’d do after four years…

    • Prettykeety says:

      “Four weeks without sex and I start to make questionable decisions in life.”

      LOL Idk if it’s the rain or what but y’all have been killing me today. But man, I hope you never find yourself in jail for more than a month.

      I’m on a 2.5 month streak (by default, not completely by choice) & I have to cut my phone off some weekends to stay outta trouble.

  • OSHH says:

    The author of the letter needs to learn balance in terms of dealing with young women, I agree with alot of what Most Interesting and Max said but I just don’t condone lying or game playing per say.

  • “…I just don’t condone lying or game playing per say…”

    I cosign this!!!

    Also, since I HATE it when females only see men as organic dildos (or as expendable ATM’s), I’m not with treating a woman (yes, a woman) as JUST pussy…

  • Lady Ngo says:

    Call me mother hen but i could care less about a 20 year who hasnt had sex since he was 16/17. There are more important matters in life to worry about at that age. I’d feel some kinda way if he said he was like 25-30 and hadn’t gotten any in 4 years!

    As for rest, i think both Max and Most were pretty spot on.

  • @bigbruhBT says:

    Best advice I ever got was from my drunk uncle when I was 20 yrs old. He said, “Doc when its comes to women act like you fucking been there before and keep your shit mysterious”. Following those wise words I went on a pussy getting stretch that was one for the ages during my last two years of college. You want what you don’t understand but you’ll keep what you can change.

  • Paige1 says:

    GOTDAMNIT Max, how you gon give up the Secrets!
    Now, that Purdy Kitty is out of the Bag…

    Good Luck with that …. Damn 4 years!!

  • Matt says:

    Aaanndd..this is why im single.

  • Matt says:

    as in, this is exactly why i choose to stay single. Girls around my age only want what they cant have and play mind games. Im only 25, So ill just fuck them every once in a while and enjoy my youth. Of course, not all them are like that, but i dont have any desire to be in a serious relationship. If it happens, it happens. And i think thats how it should be approached. A marriage or relationship shouldnt be forced. Its advice ive been given from older people.


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