Ask Max: I Haven’t Had Sex in Four Years
I'm about to turn 21 and I haven't had sex in a little over four years. You can imagine what that's done for my self-esteem on all levels. To boot I've never had a relationship with any kind of substance last longer than a few months at best.
I’m about to turn 21 and I haven’t had sex in a little over four years. You can imagine what that’s done for my self-esteem on all levels. To boot I’ve never had a relationship with any kind of substance last longer than a few months at best.
I admittedly wore the “nice guy” helm for most of my life. Some would say I was even on the board at one point but in recent years my testes have descended a bit and I’ve refrained from groveling at the feet of the more attractive gender. That growth aside I still find myself courting girls who while enthralled at first eventually lose interest within a couple weeks.
Most recently I involved myself with a girl in an abusive relationship and despite my giving her my all and admittedly doing/showing her things no one she’s come across has done before she ultimately chose to stay with her abuser. Broke my heart. It’s shit like this that makes me feel supremely inadequate.
That even at my best I can’t garner any kind of love for myself. And she has genuine affections for me but between her issues and the slathering of emotions I poured over her in my initial excitement that something real could possibly manifest for me after all this time she hasn’t been able to cultivate a strong enough attraction to try and build something between us outside friendship. I feel like I can’t trust myself in my ignorance.
Never really having had any “practice” in the goings on of men and women and having been removed from intimate experiences for so long I feel like I’m missing out on a lot of key innate relational knowledge. So much so that should I ever find someone interested in investing in something more with me I fear I’ll turn it to shit in spite of myself in my ignorance. How can I suck less at life, find love, and stop putting the Jergens Family through college?
Damn. Four years?!? I feel for you buddy. That’s gotta sting.
As far as I can see, there are three things you need to do here Doug. First of all, you need to go out and fuck someone posthaste. I don’t care who it is and neither should you, but you go out and get you some pussy immediately. A lot of terrible things happen to a man when he goes long periods of time without sex, not the least of which is that it turns him into a bitchass, and we don’t want that happening to you. So find a moist hole to stick it in and don’t come out til you’ve shot your entire load.
Which leads me to number two: make better choices. You got yourself involved with a woman in an abusive relationship. Even if you had Dr. Jay-esque skills this would be a challenge. Not only is that chick’s attention elsewhere, she also has poor self-esteem. And a woman with self-esteem issues is a fucking handful. That’s for live men and you my dear are but a freshman. Go find a normal girl.
Lastly, I get the feeling you turn into a simp when you get close to a girl. Which is understandable; I’m sure once you get your hands on one you don’t want to let her go so you do the most to keep her happy. That’s admirable, but it’s not going to help your cause. You can’t be giving “your all” to every girl who lets you get a whiff of her; that’s bad for business. When it comes to men and women, a little remoteness goes a long way.
Now just so we’re clear, I don’t subscribe to that bullshit “nice guys finish last” school of thought. That’s just an excuse for men to act like pricks. It’s not nice guys who finish last, it’s boring, constantly accessible guys who finish last. Women like butterflies; they’re attracted to uncertainty and unpredictability – at least women your age are – so you gotta be a lot more confusing if you want to get anywhere. Why would old girl leave her boyfriend who, notwithstanding his unconscionable abusiveness, probably makes her feel like she’s starring in her very own soap opera for someone she can count on to always be there? That’s no fun for anyone. A man who is as predictable as a monthly period is about as appealing to a girl as…well as a monthly period.
So here’s what you do. First you find a mattress and you fuck the dogshit out of her. You gotta clean out your pipes. Then you find a girl and you give her some of the great treatments you usually give until she starts to become interested, and then you pull back. When you feel her interest start to wane, hit her again with the good shit, and then pull back a bit. Blow hot and cold, dazzle and then confuse, whatever you want to call it, the point is to stop being the man she can set her watch by and start being the one she can never quite pin down. I’m probably a traitor to my gender for advising this, but that shit works like a charm. Trust me.
Oh and one more thing: you might want to go study at the feet of the men of SBM. They can teach you a thing or two.
But what say you dear readers? Do you think my advice will work? What do you think Doug should do? Weigh in in the comments.