In keeping with this week's apparent theme of how to behave in ambiguous relationships, I'm here today to school you men.
As much as Malik was on point in his post yesterday about shit women do to make men feel like they’re campaigning for a deeper relationship, my darling men share the blame in this. As a matter of fact I’d take that a step further and say that men are far more guilty of confusing-as-shit behaviour in uncommitted relationships than women are. And then they have the nerve to act surprised when the women they’re dallying with get the idea that something more is going on.
Men, let me tell you something that I’m sure I told you before: if you don’t want to be in a relationship, don’t act like you’re in one. If you’re emotionally unavailable, fucking act like it. Maybe in a perfect world it’s enough to just say it once and then act the complete opposite, but in the real world you’re confusing the entire fuck out of people with the boyfriend shit you do. So if you don’t want to be a boyfriend, please refrain from engaging in the following acts:
Don’t get jealous. Or if you do, keep it to yourself
Every grown person in a non-exclusive relationship should be acting under the assumption that the other party is getting their swerve on with other parties. I feel like this goes without saying. But where everyone falls down in non-exclusive relationships is that everyone wants to feel some type of way about this. Now we’re all human and we can’t help getting jealous, but like I’ve told you all a million times before you need to keep your fucking mouths shut about it.
Men let me attempt to explain this to you. See if you’re casually dating a woman and she sees you with another woman and flies into a jealous rage, in your conscious mind you will think she is crazy and you should beware (in your unconscious mind you will think “wow this chick really digs me” and start to feel yourself because men secretly love crazy, but that’s another post for another day).
But if you fly into a jealous rage after seeing your non-girlfriend with another dude, she doesn’t think “oh I need to stay away from this guy” she thinks “oh he’s really into me. He wants me all to himself”. So unless that is the case, please go work out your jealousy in the gym or on the basketball court like a normal repressive man and don’t feel the need to verbalize it. You’re only confusing everyone.
Don’t be too nice
Now Most is my good friend and I adore him, but I wanted to punch him right in his mouth for saying this in his awesome post on Monday:
“If we communicate to you, in no uncertain terms, that we’re very interested in you, but not interested in anything serious with anyone, and you choose to proceed, we see that as the green light to be the naturally great guys we’ve always been. This means we’re going to be thoughtful, we’re going to be charming and we’re going to make your friends laugh when you introduce us to them. We’re going to check on you when you’re sick, send you good morning emails and good night text messages. When we go out together, we’re going to do everything we’re supposed to do to make sure you have a good time and if you let us, we’re going to do everything in our power to please you sexually. Why? Because a good guy takes pride in making sure a woman in his company has enjoyed her time with him. Despite our emotional unavailability, that’s still just who we are. And therein lies the rub …”
Like I said, I adore Most. But that’s an asshole’s credo if I ever heard one.
Listen to me: if you really don’t want a woman to fall for you, don’t treat her like a princess. That doesn’t mean treat her like a servant, but treat her like a commoner. Good morning emails and good night text messages? Really? Why? So she can be under the impression that she’s the first thing you think of when you wake up and the last thing you think of when you go to sleep? All that’s doing is giving her an inflated sense of her importance in your life. And if she was all that important, you’d make her your girlfriend, wouldn’t you?
And don’t let her be too nice to you
Now I know that too many women disgrace the title of ungirlfriend by using it as a platform to push their wifey agenda. I know that. It’s wrong and they deserve what they get for it. If a dumb bitch wants to cook for you and buy you shit and let you drive her car and get cell phones in her name then I guess she deserves what she gets after that. It’s stupid and she needs to read my post about things not to do if you’re not wifey. However, just because a dumb bitch offers you shit, doesn’t mean your dumb ass needs to accept it. If you don’t want to be her boyfriend, you cannot let her act like your girlfriend. Yes it’s fucked up for a girl to be nice to a man in the hopes that it will further her cause, but it’s selfish and assholey of you to accept those gestures when you know you’re never going to give her what she wants. You need to shut that shit down.
No unprotected sex
I feel like I shouldn’t even have to say this to you. I mean, beyond the health risks associated with having unprotected sex with someone when you’re not in an exclusive relationship with, do you have any idea how unprotected sex fucks up people’s heads? Nothing says “you’re the only one” like inserting your dick raw dog into a woman’s pussy. So if she’s not, you shouldn’t even be attempting it, no matter how good it feels.
And God, does it feel good.
Don’t get too close
If you are not in a relationship with a woman and are not emotionally available to her, there is no reason for you to be all up in her crotches. Meeting her family, introducing her to yours, giving her your mother’s SIN or your banking password, moving into her house, impregnating her, these are all examples of getting too fucking close. Telling her you love her, you picture yourself marrying her, going on trips with her, and falling asleep night after night with her cradled lovingly in your arms – these are some more things that you have no fucking business doing if you are not emotionally available to a woman.
Men I’m going to put it to you like this: there’s a dude I know who is constantly trying to fuck me. Constantly. And no matter how many times I’ve said no, no matter how many times I’ve stopped speaking to him altogether, he never stops campaigning for something more than what he’s got. So I’ve put him on a fake restraining order under which he must stay four feet away from me at all times. He can talk to me as much as he wants, say whatever inappropriate shit he likes, as long as he stays four feet away from me. Because it’s only so much damage he can do to me at that distance.
If you are emotionally unavailable or relationship-averse but insist on becoming involved with women, here’s what I need you to do: stay a figurative four feet away from her. Keep the lines clear and the boundaries fixed at all times. Don’t be confusing. Don’t do boyfriend shit.
But what say you guys? Women do you agree that this kind of behaviour confuses things? Men – who among you is willing to admit you do this shit? Speak on it in the comments.