Don’t Do Boyfriend Shit

31
Aug
2011
1true-love

In keeping with this week's apparent theme of how to behave in ambiguous relationships, I'm here today to school you men.


As much as Malik was on point in his post yesterday about shit women do to make men feel like they’re campaigning for a deeper relationship, my darling men share the blame in this. As a matter of fact I’d take that a step further and say that men are far more guilty of confusing-as-shit behaviour in uncommitted relationships than women are. And then they have the nerve to act surprised when the women they’re dallying with get the idea that something more is going on.

Men, let me tell you something that I’m sure I told you before: if you don’t want to be in a relationship, don’t act like you’re in one. If you’re emotionally unavailable, fucking act like it. Maybe in a perfect world it’s enough to just say it once and then act the complete opposite, but in the real world you’re confusing the entire fuck out of people with the boyfriend shit you do. So if you don’t want to be a boyfriend, please refrain from engaging in the following acts:

Don’t get jealous. Or if you do, keep it to yourself

Every grown person in a non-exclusive relationship should be acting under the assumption that the other party is getting their swerve on with other parties. I feel like this goes without saying. But where everyone falls down in non-exclusive relationships is that everyone wants to feel some type of way about this. Now we’re all human and we can’t help getting jealous, but like I’ve told you all a million times before you need to keep your fucking mouths shut about it.

Men let me attempt to explain this to you. See if you’re casually dating a woman and she sees you with another woman and flies into a jealous rage, in your conscious mind you will think she is crazy and you should beware (in your unconscious mind you will think “wow this chick really digs me” and start to feel yourself because men secretly love crazy, but that’s another post for another day).

But if you fly into a jealous rage after seeing your non-girlfriend with another dude, she doesn’t think “oh I need to stay away from this guy” she thinks “oh he’s really into me. He wants me all to himself”. So unless that is the case, please go work out your jealousy in the gym or on the basketball court like a normal repressive man and don’t feel the need to verbalize it. You’re only confusing everyone.

Don’t be too nice

Now Most is my good friend and I adore him, but I wanted to punch him right in his mouth for saying this in his awesome post on Monday:

“If we communicate to you, in no uncertain terms, that we’re very interested in you, but not interested in anything serious with anyone, and you choose to proceed, we see that as the green light to be the naturally great guys we’ve always been. This means we’re going to be thoughtful, we’re going to be charming and we’re going to make your friends laugh when you introduce us to them. We’re going to check on you when you’re sick, send you good morning emails and good night text messages. When we go out together, we’re going to do everything we’re supposed to do to make sure you have a good time and if you let us, we’re going to do everything in our power to please you sexually. Why? Because a good guy takes pride in making sure a woman in his company has enjoyed her time with him. Despite our emotional unavailability, that’s still just who we are. And therein lies the rub …”

Like I said, I adore Most. But that’s an asshole’s credo if I ever heard one.

Listen to me: if you really don’t want a woman to fall for you, don’t treat her like a princess. That doesn’t mean treat her like a servant, but treat her like a commoner. Good morning emails and good night text messages? Really? Why? So she can be under the impression that she’s the first thing you think of when you wake up and the last thing you think of when you go to sleep? All that’s doing is giving her an inflated sense of her importance in your life. And if she was all that important, you’d make her your girlfriend, wouldn’t you?

And don’t let her be too nice to you

Now I know that too many women disgrace the title of ungirlfriend by using it as a platform to push their wifey agenda. I know that. It’s wrong and they deserve what they get for it. If a dumb bitch wants to cook for you and buy you shit and let you drive her car and get cell phones in her name then I guess she deserves what she gets after that. It’s stupid and she needs to read my post about things not to do if you’re not wifey. However, just because a dumb bitch offers you shit, doesn’t mean  your dumb ass needs to accept it. If you don’t want to be her boyfriend, you cannot let her act like your girlfriend. Yes it’s fucked up for a girl to be nice to a man in the hopes that it will further her cause, but it’s selfish and assholey of you to accept those gestures when you know you’re never going to give her what she wants. You need to shut that shit down.

No unprotected sex

I feel like I shouldn’t even have to say this to you. I mean, beyond the health risks associated with having unprotected sex with someone when you’re not in an exclusive relationship with, do you have any idea how unprotected sex fucks up people’s heads? Nothing says “you’re the only one” like inserting your dick raw dog into a woman’s pussy. So if she’s not, you shouldn’t even be attempting it, no matter how good it feels. And God, does it feel good. 

Don’t get too close

If you are not in a relationship with a woman and are not emotionally available to her, there is no reason for you to be all up in her crotches. Meeting her family, introducing her to yours, giving her your mother’s SIN or your banking password, moving into her house, impregnating her, these are all examples of getting too fucking close. Telling her you love her, you picture yourself marrying her, going on trips with her, and falling asleep night after night with her cradled lovingly in your arms – these are some more things that you have no fucking business doing if you are not emotionally available to a woman.

Men I’m going to put it to you like this: there’s a dude I know who is constantly trying to fuck me. Constantly. And no matter how many times I’ve said no, no matter how many times I’ve stopped speaking to him altogether, he never stops campaigning for something more than what he’s got. So I’ve put him on a fake restraining order under which he must stay four feet away from me at all times. He can talk to me as much as he wants, say whatever inappropriate shit he likes, as long as he stays four feet away from me. Because it’s only so much damage he can do to me at that distance.

If you are emotionally unavailable or relationship-averse but insist on becoming involved with women, here’s what I need you to do: stay a figurative four feet away from her. Keep the lines clear and the boundaries fixed at all times. Don’t be confusing. Don’t do boyfriend shit.

But what say you guys? Women do you agree that this kind of behaviour confuses things? Men – who among you is willing to admit you do this shit? Speak on it in the comments.

 

 

 

 


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32 Comments

  • Malik says:

    I agree with all of this. Then again I usually catch shit from people because I openly say that I don’t treat everyone the same and have varying levels of trust (for the lack of an all encompassing word) that I give to people. To put my thoughts as clear and concise as they could be: There are certain friends you have on the playground and there are others that claim your mom as a second mother.

    I’m confused on why, apparently, guys think there isn’t a middle ground between treating a woman like your girlfriend and treating her like a *** bucket. Hell, should it not be fair easier to kind, courteous, and charming while remaining distant then unnecessarily going the extra yard for someone you’re pretty ambivalent on?

  • Starita34 says:

    There is not one single thing in this entire post that I don’t agree with whole heartedly.

    I hope someone hears this today but they won’t.
    #SWIDT

  • nectar_imperial says:

    I can agree with *most* of your compaints max, but you’re not entirely right about malik’s sentiment.
    Let me ask this, can a man treat a girl like the proverbial princess if he has a girl or she has a man? (All except the goodnight/goodmorning msgs)

  • I hope all the “dumb bitches” read this. But they prolly won’t :/

  • Lady Ngo says:

    Hallelujah @ #1 and #4!

    But this is why i try not to get involved in these kinds of arrangements. The rules change when you’re in a casual relationship vs friends with benefits vs just smashing. If nothing else, the rules are way simpler when its just a committed, monogamous relationship lol.

  • GDB says:

    I do get the gist of your post and it makes sense…But it seems to me that “this generation” (the under 40′s out there) are trying to rewrite the rules on too much sh_t.

    It was called the Free Love generation, not the Free F_ck! It’s ok to love your sex partner, even if that love extends into “doing sh_t”. What gets people peeved is when mofo’s try to act “too cool”!

    • Jason H. says:

      If we are getting it in and there is no chance of relationship the only rule is to NOT fall in love. I guess I am just not down for the treat em like a prostitute shit. Of course some I am out the door 20 minutes later, but naw some are real cool chicks and we kick it for reasons to hang out. If your a natural thug like that your on some bust and be out the fucking door, that’s cool… but if you have a list I think your faking the shit and trying to avoid catching feelings and possibly being hurt. FWB is kinda simple and not so dam regimented. However, as I admitted yesterday, women I come across do seem to have a harder time just accepting things for what it is, so maybe the advice will help some….

  • $liCc@s$lim3 says:

    I agree Max, the only excuse for an explaination I can offer to being too nice, some guys see it as “game” nice guys finish last, or you catch more flies with honey, which is it? Well, I think women are attracted to the bad guy, but logically remember and give “free refills” on sex long after the jump off. It just feels playa too be able to your own thang and know you’ll be welcome no matter how far down the line you bump into that woman again.

    On the other side of being too nice. Another plattitude that comes to mind (thanks for the vocabulary word max) is “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth” this chick is gonna let me put some milage on the pussy, why not let me put some on the car too? Why not get free dinner and new clothes on the side? True it’s prostitution and most males can’t even do that right, cuz they settle for pety shit. Then are confused or think she’s crazy when the woman catches feelings. But hence the subject of this post.

    Lack of proper training on what the game is gets too many people in over thier head, but as long as we can discuss it rationally some of us might be saved yet…
    church!!

  • All this sounds nice… but it’s just really difficult for me to digest because, generally speaking, I never made it a point to follow any of these rules (except the one about getting jealous and the one about unprotected sex- most of the time) and I feel like I’ve been successful in every way a man can be successful as far as relationships with the opposite sex are concerned. The only rules I’ve ever stuck to, when it comes to women has been to be true to myself. Whether I’m right or wrong or neither or both, in all of my relationships I’ve always just been myself and … it’s been working pretty well for me.

    So I guess I’m saying… all this stuff you’re saying is great if it’s working for you. If you’re winning, this is all great stuff and worthy of sharing with others so they can win too. But if it’s not working for you, maybe it only make sense in theory and maybe you might wanna try something different. Not you specifically Max… but ppl who abide by these rules in general.

    Thanks for linking to my post though… I heart you back!!!

    • Larry says:

      I have to co-sign what Most says here as I typically have the same thought process. We all know how people don’t like “fake people” and hate it when people act “fake” so to speak and I can’t blame. To Most’s point I just try to be myself and keep it all the way hundred based on the situation.

      Now I may do some things that Most had layed out in the paragraph you cited of his from his post, but in my mind if I believe I’m not breaking any boundaries and doing what I would normally do then I’m just being myself. However, if the other party feels differently and that I am breaking boundaries that’s their opinion and one of which I can’t control, thefore one I can’t worry too much about. I’m not a huge fan of going out of my way to act different and not be who I am. Too much thinking and unnecessary effort…that’s why effective communication is what Most highlighted in his post.

      As far as the rules you presented I see nothing wrong with these. I always expect a woman I start getting to know didn’t just crawl from under a rock and have other options (even if they don’t I always assume they do) so I never get jealous really. The s*x thing is obvious. All the other ones are fairly subject…what’s too nice or too close to one will be different to another I suppose (except in extreme cases where it’s painfully obvious, but realistically we’re not talking about those extreme cases in the majority of scenarios…keep it real.) In short I’m going to be who I am, respectful to the situation, and it’s been working for me well thus far.

  • Keona says:

    Thank you Max!

    To add one, don’t buy me gifts (sorta falls under “Don’t be too nice”). If you’re spending all the holidays & birthdays with me & buying me gifts, then you’re blurring the lines & ish gets confusing.

  • nadisrad says:

    “All up in her crotches…” Hilarious!!!! I’m trying to figure out if there’s someway I can use that expression today…heh heh. Solid post, Max.

  • Hope says:

    I fully enjoyed this read. It is very unfortunate that many young people won’t listen to these rules or even how to be true to themselves, until they’ve experienced it themselves.

  • KB says:

    YESS, all of this right here, Great post!

  • Reecie says:

    I feel like I need to send this to someone. but I no longer talk to him so it would be pointless. great post.

  • RP14 says:

    From a woman’s perspective this is a GREAT list!!!

  • SnarkyChic says:

    LOL I really like this list. I do have a couple of questions though, can you fault men for taking full advantage of chicks’ niceness? Doesn’t this kind of fall into Malik’s post yesterday where chicks are doing favors in order to become the number one? I liken this to when women friend zone guys without their knowledge and still go out on “dates” and accept gifts.

    • Malik says:

      You can fault people for that. Just because someone offers something doesn’t mean you accept it.

      • SnarkyChic says:

        If someone offers you something you’re under no obligation to accept it. That is 100% correct. But this kind of feels like a slippery slope. I mean the dude’s original position never changed. She’s offering him cookies, He likes cookies but it doesn’t mean he only wants her cookies. IDK it just feels like circles right now,

        • max says:

          There are two reasons why I think a man should refuse cookies, I just don’t have time to type it right now. Remind me though because they’re good reasons.

        • Malik says:

          I believe that falls into Max’s ‘be cruel to be kind’ zone. Pretending that your actions don’t affect others because you told them otherwise isn’t a move that sits well in my ‘code’.

  • Larie says:

    Copyright this, publish it, and do a workshop on it!

    smooches,
    Larie

  • Melissa says:

    I agree. And that’s all I can say.

  • Anonymous says:

    Okay, so here’s the wrinkle. What’s the best way for a guy to act if everything starts out roses, but a few months in that spark just disappears? I think it happens to everyone at some point in their dating careers, man or woman. You still care about her (or him), respect her, the whole 9, but for whatever reason (you discover you’re just not as good a match as you thought, you suddenly need to focus on your job, you run out of stuff to talk about, etc)…what do you do?

    It’s mighty tempting to shut the boyfriend tap off because you don’t want to be emotionally dishonest, but then you’re doing that asshole “distant” thing and hurting her anyway.

    • Keona says:

      Don’t string her along. Tell her exactly how you feel. Be as clear as possible. She may respect your honesty & want to stay friends & then who knows what will happen. But if she completely shuts you out of her life, well….then that’s that.

  • Ashley says:

    Why is this post my life?!? WHY!! I’ve been dating a guy for about 3 months who is a classic good guy…He loves his momma, loves Jesus and kisses babies just a good man…however he says he’s not ready for a relationship…So I say cool…but when I tell ya’ll this man act like my man I ain’t lying. He listens to me whine about work, he brings me lunch when I’m hungry, he’s super clingy wants me around all the time, gets jealous when I spend time with others and has introduced me to every member in his family…I don’t get it… He’s saying he doesn’t want to be in a relationship but shows all the classic signs of wanting to be boo’d up. Not only is this behavior misleading it has me feeling like I’m wasting my time :/…what’s a girl to do?

    • max says:

      This is what you do: Ask yourself – if this man is doing all the things you need him to be doing – if having the girlfriend title is really that important.
      If the answer is no, stop worrying about it and enjoy your time with him.
      If the answer is yes, have a frank discussion with him about it and if he refuses to at least consider it, bounce.

  • Love it! I just wrote about this. How do you want us to not get confused if you told us you’re emotionally unavailable but are treating us like queens? How bout you leave us the hell alone and go and mess with someone who wants what you want! This topic makes me so angry, but I love this post. Very real and to the point!


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