Don’t Do Girlfriend Shit


So the homey Malik is back with another guest post. This time he’s schooling ladies on what not to do in a friends with benefits situation if you don’t want the man to think you’re scheming. 

I don’t know how many guys actually admit to getting caught up in FWB relations, but I will admit that we do. Outside of those who are going to get caught up regardless, the main reason guys (including myself) would or have gotten caught up is because we’re arrogant and that the women in FWB situation don’t match up their actions with their words. You can repeat how much you don’t want A, B, or C regardless but if you’re doing girlfriend shit it doesn’t matter what you’re telling me. My first thought is pretty much always going to be is that she’s scheming because women are scheming schemers who scheme for relationships where they can scheme more.

Here’s a short list of things women do that makes of think that they’re really trying to sneak us into a monogamous relationship; or ‘girlfriend shit’ for short.

1. Dressing to the 9s. You should never make it look like you’re putting too much effort into how you look when you see us. We think you’re dressing for us not for yourself. If you happen to meeting up somewhere after doing something where you had to be dressed a certain way that is perfectly alright. Make sure to point this out to us and don’t make it a habit otherwise we’ll think you’re actually dressing for us on the low.

2. Overly affectionate. I know this seems like an odd one because you’re fucking, but it’s none-the-less true. There really isn’t a need for us to flirt considering the reason we’re both in this situation is to just get to the fucking and cut through all that superfluous stuff. No need for any ‘cute’ nicknames. No need for compliments and more compliments and then more compliments. We think women do this because they want to sleep with us. If we’re already sleeping together then why do you continue to flirt. I know it’s because some women are just naturally flirtatious but that isn’t how it’s interpreted.

3. Sleeping overnight. Negative. Does this really need to elaborated on?

4. Watch what you actual talk about. Conversations should be light. If you want talk about you having a bad day at work, that’s perfectly okay. You do not however need to break down and talk about the time that thing that your counselor did at summer camp that haunts you to this day. That is far too much emotional intimacy for a relationship that is just supposed to be for light, fun and simple. Unless you’re the type of gal who can call just to shoot the shit like certain bloggers, I would advise against calling just to call. We hate that when we are in a relationship with you women. Have a purpose in the dialogue and keep it as succinct as possible. Our minds begin to tune out when we believe you’re heaping heaps and heaps of unnecessary information into something that could have been explained in 1/10 of the time.

5. Out-of-the-ordinary favors. Doing favors is fine. If you’re a genuinely nice human being and enjoy helping other people that’s great. Create some damn boundaries though. If I call you up at 2 am asking you to pick me up, it is perfectly okay to say ‘Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit’ and take yourself back to sleep. When you’re doing crazy favors like that our first thought isn’t that you just happen to be helpful person it is that you are smitten with us to a large degree. And we will abuse that for an extended amount of time and then act confused when you call us on this.

Bonus Point: I know Max has the 1 at a time rule for herself, but if you’re not adversed to that make it known to us that you are seeing other people. This can be done in a myriad of ways. It could be the tacky ‘accidental’ bumping into each other in public or you could actually discuss it. Don’t make him think he’s getting the lion share of your time either because then he’s going to think you’re feeling him more than anyone else you may or may not be seeing. But if you’re doing the five things above that shouldn’t be an issue unless he was going to think so regardless of what you did.

So what do you guys think? Men does this kind of behaviour make you think that women are scheming to lock you down? Women do you use these tactics to lock a man down? Speak on it in the comments.

And p.s. I’m coming with a list of  ‘boyfriend shit’ that men do that make women think we’re vying for a relationship. Stay tuned.

bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 17

  1. Jason H. says:

    1. True, no effort in appearance is needed… same way I would run by a friend in my gym clothe, same way I would run by a FWB.

    2. Guess this depends… some were actually real friends so I did give a damn about them.

    3. This is not really an issue… I think people make a big deal about this for no reason.

    4. Again, if it’s a real FRIEND convo can be about anything. Shit I will talk to you about anything from love to what you should wear on your next date with ole boy who’s calls you have not answered for the last two hours… if the FWB is clear to both parties you should be able to talk about whatever you want to…

    5. Again… if your FRIENDS I would do anything for the person I would do for a friends…

    If I sense there is some scheme to make me boyfriends I just discuss this and let my intentions be known; if that suspicion does not leave I would just end the arrangement.

  2. Malik says:

    Waiting for Max’s list.

  3. Malik says:

    On second reading, I should have been more hyperbolic in the examples given to better drive home the point. Also, contrary to what a lot of men in the blogosphere believe all these actions imply a certain level of intimacy beyond what is sought after in a FWB benefits relations. It is still possible to maintain this type of relationships while breaking all of these, but it also increases the chances of an emotional fallout. And you played a part in it because you know actions and reactions.

    Last note: It is perfectly possible to be a gentlemen to a woman without making, pretending, or giving all the same things you’d give her as your girlfriend. I’m pretty sure Clark Gable had plenty of one night stands where the women didn’t feel like whores afterwards.

    1. Jason H says:

      To be fair you are right… there have been women I have told every step of the way “you know what this is right, you know we will never be together”… I would get a giggle or some shit… month later I get some letter about them having to stop because they want more or some trash… but, that was 10 years ago… women my age don’t really give a damn if they know the rules going in…………… shit I take it all back. lol. I remember I mentioned I had found a chick on my facebook and like three of those fwb deleted me and said they could not be friends knowing i had someone… lol…. sorry, musta still been sleep this morning when I wrote.

  4. Yoles says:

    1 is truly for when i am going out going out, i’m guilty of 2-4 and i have no problem with it… when i get into a fwb situation it is friends w/benefits… i do not sign up for jim crow sexing… no phone calls, no real conversations, no going out, no spending the night, if you see me act like you don’t know me, don’t put your foot in my pool or i’ll have to drain it etc… if i am sharing my body with you, i am sharing other things as well… i don’t understand this concept of strangers in the day, know each other so well in the night.. i don’t confuse love for sex or vice versa but i know that i’m not gonna let anyone just climb on top of me, use me as a toilet then kick me out… nah… as for 5 big favors was too vague i do favors but nothing crazy…

  5. Dewan Gibson says:

    Ah, women should avoid the disappointment and heartache that comes with “scheming” by waiting 2-3 months before you have sex with him, though regular hand-jobs are acceptable. If he’s serious he’ll stick around. If not you’ll maintain your self-esteem and have really smooth hands.

  6. Danielle says:

    I simply do not do FWB, I live in a small town and I don’t want to see them at the supermarket or anywhere for that matter but in my bedroom. I’ve only had one FWB in the past 10 years and since there is no mental connection I get bored so it’s a waste of time for me.

  7. GirlSixx is ChloeRayne516 says:

    So are people REALLY kickin each other out of their beds/house after chexing in these kind of relationships??? o__O Exactly!! I didn’t think so.

    #3 is extreme, afterall we are human beings NOT animals.

    1. Jason H. says:

      Hey CR, what’s up…

      That’s what I am saying, I have never had to be out of someones home or felt I had to kick them out. I think that’s such a dumb “rule” to the game… Yes, most times I do not stay, but nothing changes if I do.

      1. GirlSixx is ChloeRayne516 says:


        I can see if this happened to be a one-night stand then by all means have their clothes waiting for them by the front door BUT a Fwb/cut buddy, that seems cold and demeaning to me.

    2. Keona says:

      IKR!! LOL I’ve only done the FWB once, and that was after a loooonnnng breakup. And even then, the dude wasn’t really my friend.

      I never kicked him out of my bed, but I’ve ran out of his like a runaway slave in the mid of the night. My place is safe territory, but I never know who’s gonna come walking up in his joint.

      1. GirlSixx is ChloeRayne516 says:

        “My place is safe territory, but I never know who’s gonna come walking up in his joint.”

        Okay I can understand you wanting to rest your head in your own bed (comfort zone), but to say No SleepOvers Ever, just get your rocks off and bounce each and everytime whether it be the girl or guy — you might as well just left a $100 bill on the nightstand.

  8. HLBB says:

    Cannot WAIT for Max’s list..,

  9. Moe says:

    These sound like rules for jump-offs not FRIENDS with benefits. If we’re FWB, I expect to be able to call you just to talk, stay over, do favors, and have all of these behaviors reciprocated.

    1. Malik says:

      The one time I don’t speak in hyperbole. Le sigh…

  10. But if he calls at 2 a.m. and needs a pick-up and I tell him to “Get the fuck off my phone”, he will use that against me next time I ask for a boning! ‘Cause, men do that too.

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