Ask Max: They Think I’m Easy


And we’re back with our regular Monday advice question. This is an interesting one.

I am a 35 year old professional black woman, with my life pretty much in order-except for my love life. The men who appear to be interested in me, I am not interested in, and those that I am interested in, don’t seem to pay me any attention. I believe that I have a lot to offer, and am currently working on my self-esteem. I was feeling really good about myself until two nights ago.

My two younger sisters, who are married (to white men, I am looking for a black man after years of inter-racially dating), and my divorced mother have told me that I need to get braces in order to “find a husband.” They have commented on my weight gain and said at the dinner party that my “real weight” is thinner than my new voluptuous look (I like how I feel; I cycle and will be joining a gym.) For years I was ashamed of my breasts, so I have decided to love myself and show off my curves. To that they act with disgust and make cracks about them in front of others. They even involve their husbands in my affairs-meaning; they think that I lack “dating game.” I don’t think that that is any of their business.

What hurts the most is that my sisters have assumed that I was “easy” and gave it up too soon. I let them know that they are incorrect, and that I have been celibate since April. They also have said that I am “desperate.” My mother and sisters send me emails as how to find a husband.

Max, it is causing my depression to come back after feeling like I am finally in a good place. I have booked myself a solo vacation to Punta Cana leaving this Friday, and feel like I need to cut them off. Am I destined to be alone? What do I need to do to change up my dating game? I felt quite confident before this recent dinner party with my siblings two nights ago.

PS-do men veiw busty women as wifey? or a one night stand?

Well girlie, as far as I can see you have two problems here.

Problem number one is that your mother and sisters (and their husbands) are fucking haters. Yeah I said it. And I’m sorry but it’s true. Sounds to me like they are envious of your singleness, curves, huge breasts, freedom, whatever and they’re trying to cut you down to make themselves feel okay in their own lives. That’s the vibe I get every time I read this. Now it’s possible that that is not the situation – you would know better than I – but I just can’t see how the type of comments they are making are in any way productive. Maybe they legit want to help you and they’re just clueless as to how to do so. But considering I didn’t see anything in this scenario that suggest that you are asking them for help, again I’m inclined to think they’re just haters. So the first thing you need to do is either tell them to shut the fuck up and miss you with all their “helpful” advice.

Now you seem like a nice girl and you might not feel comfortable telling them to sit the fuck down so if you can’t do that, start pretending they are aliens from another planet speaking a language you can’t comprehend. All that yammering they’re doing will start to sound like womp womp womp in your ear and won’t even faze you. I do this with my mum all the time and it works like a charm. Trust me.

Now your second problem is that you lack confidence. This is the more pressing problem, for two reasons. Number one, if you had more confidence the opinions of some squawking birds wouldn’t faze you. And two men can sniff out insecure women in 0.02 seconds and that’s why you’re attracting the dregs of society.

So here’s what I want you to do.

First I want you to take a minute to reflect. Ask yourself if there’s any truth to what your family is saying about you. Do you really need braces? Do you really give it up too soon? I have a feeling there’s not much truth to those accusations, but think it over. Then take an objective look at how you interact with men and see if you can identify where you’re going wrong. Sometimes when men are getting the “wrong idea” about women it’s because the women are giving off the wrong signals. So reflect on that and adjust yourself accordingly.

Then I want you to take a page out of my book and become a bit of an egomaniac. Just for a little while. Look at yourself in the mirror frequently and often and marvel at how fucking hawt you are. Wear tight clothes that show off your assets and assume that any negative feedback you get is just hating bitches hating. Strut around like your shit don’t stink. Constantly remind yourself how effing awesome you are and don’t let anything that happens convince you otherwise. If a girl looks at you sideways, it’s because she wishes she was you. A man rejects you? Because he’s not man enough to handle you. Just gas yourself up for a little while until you get to a point where your confidence is unshakeable. Because you need that to survive the dating game.

That’s my answer, what say you guys? Give her your advice in the comments.

bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 12

  1. Malik says:

    Confidence is a big thing and is the most attractive non-physical thing a woman can have. It can often even supersede certain physical flaws or lack-there-of’s. Every guy knows that every so often a woman isn’t going to feel she’s at the top of her game, but he doesn’t want someone who he feels is going to be perpetually depressed and needs a dramatic 4th quarter speech every morning.

    “PS-do men veiw busty women as wifey? or a one night stand?”

    Yes and no. Being a curvaceous women overall you’re going to sexualized to a larger degree than other women. Christina Hendricks’ character on Mad Men comes to mind at perfectly straddling the line between being ‘presentable’ while maintaining an aura of sexy. It all depends on how you carry it (those). Everyone’s going to see them regardless, so there isn’t a need to present them unless you’re seducing someone in particular.

  2. Max, this is really great advice. I think one of the disadvantages of the current numbers game going on between black men and women is the fact that the great black women who get left behind always end up blaming themselves for something they don’t have total control over.

    It’s very possible that you’re a perfectly marriable woman and there just aren’t enough marriable men in your extended circle. You might not need to change anything about yourself at all. Might just need a change of environment. That will work two-fold also because it’ll get you away from your family who seem to be hurting you more than helping you.

    And for what it’s worth… as a man, I can tell you, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being busty. There’s no downside as far as we’re concerned. If you meet a chick you’re interested in having a one night stand with, and she happens to be busy … jackpot. If you meet a chick who you want to fall in love with and marry… and she happens to be busty… jackpot. It’s always a plus. I’m sure your breasts are awesome and I tip my drink to the lucky guy that gets to motor-boat them joints for eternity once yall get married.

    1. keisha brown says:

      most is winning all over the damn interwebs today.

  3. Teflon Mom says:

    *Sigh* You asked these harridans for advice at some point. Cried on their shoulders on some “woe is me, where is my good man?” shit. It’s ok, we’ve all been there. But what you are realizing now is that you’ve basically asked the devil to help you get your choir robe ready. They’re just not up to the job. The good part is that you recognize that they aren’t doing you any good. Doesn’t matter if they “mean well” they aren’t helping you. Get some distance and perspective. Kudos on the vacation – if you open up your suitcase and I come crawling out of it don’t be surprised, lol.

    Max gave you some good advice. Embrace your body, fake some of that self esteem until it’s genuine and if there’s somethign you wanna fix, fix it. Also, I don’t know why you need to cut off one group of men. Why not entertain suitors of all ethnicities?

  4. divinepearlz says:

    Yeah so mom and your sister are out of line and the two husbands our OUT OF ORDER. Clearly Robert’s Rules of Order applies to them. So I know that deep down you love your mother and sisters but right about now, you need to develop an EFF them attitude. The condescending manner in which they relate to you clearly translates to the fact that they have developed an eff you attitude. At the end of the day pumpkin, if you don’t love yourself, no one will ever love you. Okay so maybe you need to go to the gym. That’s fine but do not allow anyone to make you feel bad about YOU. Love yourself like no one can love you. This doesn’t mean you are conceited. Rater it means that you have a confidence that rivals no other and anyone who thinks otherwise EFF them too.

    I agree with max’s advice. Go on your vacation and when you come back let it be a new day. Let your mother and sisters know that a line has been drawn in the sand and that they can take their Eff U ass clear to the other side. Last but not least let those brother-in-laws of yours know that clearly they missed the in-law training class and that you will give them a refresher for free. They do not get to come out their mouths the way they have even if they are encouraged by their wives…your sisters. Their role in your life is not permanent and can always be removed.

  5. Keona says:

    Great advice, Max.

    I don’t know much about men & love, but I do know intrusive moms & sisters. I say move. I’m much closer to my family now that I’m hours away than I ever was when I lived near them. I visit when I miss them, and if they start to push my buttons when speaking on the phone, I simply get off. I’m not giving anybody permission to put me in a bad mood, even my family. Plus a change of scenery can be good for your love life as well.

  6. CHeeKZ Money says:

    something about an entire black family the exclusively dates white boys sounds wrong to me…..

    After reading your story over and over again, I think that you come from a family of lames, and in fact, you are a lame too. I know that sounds mean, but your family doesn’t seem to know anything about how goons think or operate. Loosen up and dont be so rigid about who you date.

    Seriously, is your breast situation out of hand? As in when I am holding one tit in both hands, is there more falling out of my hands? Because there is a point, where being different attracts men who are looking to sleep with a novelty instead of actually being attracted to you. Like me and midgets. See I want to eff a midget, but I wouldn’t wife one. Its just something I want to check off me list. So if you have freak show breast, you could be running into the same problem.

    1. divinepearlz says:

      LMAO @you want to eff a midget.I can’t.

  7. Max’s advice is on point. And like Teflon Mom said, fake some of that confidence ’til you actually own it.

    Booking a vacation ALONE shows confidence already. No insecure woman I know would take a trip by herself. You’re on your way girl.

    I’d love to hear how great that trip is. Make sure you don’t overlook the “hired help”. Those Dominicans can move. So I’ve heard 😉

  8. Jason H. says:

    Anytime I see any woman I am evaluating on her Trojan worthiness, don’t mean I will ever pursue it regardless of her the level of worthiness I feel she is at. So…. In saying that, of course we are looking at those breasts and thinking how they might feel next to us… but a woman’s body is not going to be the determining factor in making you a one-night stand or not… that would be your personality. ***this is based on the dude actually looking for someone and not just a life long hunter… no changing some… some just don’t want a relationship and your breast have nothing to do with it.

    Anyway, I would have to know a lot more about the family dynamics to know what angle your family is coming at you from. Like I might tease the hell out of my sisters or brothers, but the moment I know it’s causing an emotional issue for it I will cut it. I don’t think you need to cut them off, maybe just need to find that “FUCK OFF” voice and let them hear it… Family is family, so unless you sense they don’t love your ass just let it be…

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