And we’re back with our regular Monday advice question. This is an interesting one.
I am a 35 year old professional black woman, with my life pretty much in order-except for my love life. The men who appear to be interested in me, I am not interested in, and those that I am interested in, don’t seem to pay me any attention. I believe that I have a lot to offer, and am currently working on my self-esteem. I was feeling really good about myself until two nights ago.
My two younger sisters, who are married (to white men, I am looking for a black man after years of inter-racially dating), and my divorced mother have told me that I need to get braces in order to “find a husband.” They have commented on my weight gain and said at the dinner party that my “real weight” is thinner than my new voluptuous look (I like how I feel; I cycle and will be joining a gym.) For years I was ashamed of my breasts, so I have decided to love myself and show off my curves. To that they act with disgust and make cracks about them in front of others. They even involve their husbands in my affairs-meaning; they think that I lack “dating game.” I don’t think that that is any of their business.
What hurts the most is that my sisters have assumed that I was “easy” and gave it up too soon. I let them know that they are incorrect, and that I have been celibate since April. They also have said that I am “desperate.” My mother and sisters send me emails as how to find a husband.
Max, it is causing my depression to come back after feeling like I am finally in a good place. I have booked myself a solo vacation to Punta Cana leaving this Friday, and feel like I need to cut them off. Am I destined to be alone? What do I need to do to change up my dating game? I felt quite confident before this recent dinner party with my siblings two nights ago.
PS-do men veiw busty women as wifey? or a one night stand?
Well girlie, as far as I can see you have two problems here.
Problem number one is that your mother and sisters (and their husbands) are fucking haters. Yeah I said it. And I’m sorry but it’s true. Sounds to me like they are envious of your singleness, curves, huge breasts, freedom, whatever and they’re trying to cut you down to make themselves feel okay in their own lives. That’s the vibe I get every time I read this. Now it’s possible that that is not the situation – you would know better than I – but I just can’t see how the type of comments they are making are in any way productive. Maybe they legit want to help you and they’re just clueless as to how to do so. But considering I didn’t see anything in this scenario that suggest that you are asking them for help, again I’m inclined to think they’re just haters. So the first thing you need to do is either tell them to shut the fuck up and miss you with all their “helpful” advice.
Now you seem like a nice girl and you might not feel comfortable telling them to sit the fuck down so if you can’t do that, start pretending they are aliens from another planet speaking a language you can’t comprehend. All that yammering they’re doing will start to sound like womp womp womp in your ear and won’t even faze you. I do this with my mum all the time and it works like a charm. Trust me.
Now your second problem is that you lack confidence. This is the more pressing problem, for two reasons. Number one, if you had more confidence the opinions of some squawking birds wouldn’t faze you. And two men can sniff out insecure women in 0.02 seconds and that’s why you’re attracting the dregs of society.
So here’s what I want you to do.
First I want you to take a minute to reflect. Ask yourself if there’s any truth to what your family is saying about you. Do you really need braces? Do you really give it up too soon? I have a feeling there’s not much truth to those accusations, but think it over. Then take an objective look at how you interact with men and see if you can identify where you’re going wrong. Sometimes when men are getting the “wrong idea” about women it’s because the women are giving off the wrong signals. So reflect on that and adjust yourself accordingly.
Then I want you to take a page out of my book and become a bit of an egomaniac. Just for a little while. Look at yourself in the mirror frequently and often and marvel at how fucking hawt you are. Wear tight clothes that show off your assets and assume that any negative feedback you get is just hating bitches hating. Strut around like your shit don’t stink. Constantly remind yourself how effing awesome you are and don’t let anything that happens convince you otherwise. If a girl looks at you sideways, it’s because she wishes she was you. A man rejects you? Because he’s not man enough to handle you. Just gas yourself up for a little while until you get to a point where your confidence is unshakeable. Because you need that to survive the dating game.
That’s my answer, what say you guys? Give her your advice in the comments.