How to Be a Jump Off Without Ruining Your Self-Esteem

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As a lover of sex and a shunner of monogamy, I hold casual sex relationships in very high regard. I believe in them. And I know from personal experience that they can be sustained for long, blissful, orgasmic periods of time if everyone just behaves properly. And to ensure that everyone knows exactly what that means, I gave you guys a jump off code of conduct that I hope to God you’re all adhering to.

While I am firmly of the belief that if you are a fuck buddy you must know your role and not overstep your bounds, I realize that a great many of the world’s jump offs are behaving as though you don’t have the right to basic human decency. Just because you allow a man to take a beats without requiring him to spend the night, doesn’t mean you have to just lay back and let him run a train on all over you. You’re not a mattress, you’re performing an act of kindness by preventing someone from blue balls. The casual sex relationship is supposed to be a beautiful experience from which you emerge happy and well-fucked. It’s not supposed to deliver a crushing blow to your self-esteem from which you will never recover. So here is my handy-dandy guide to being a jump off without ruining your self-esteem.

1.Fuck on your time

We all know that men love to take a beautiful thing like consensual casual sex and shit it up by doing ignorant shit like disrespecting your time. They just can’t help it. But if you and your fuck buddy make plans for 7:30 and he doesn’t show up to beat it up until 10 o’clock, you are under no obligation to still be wet and waiting for him. That’s not how this is supposed to work. If you’re offering up primo, grade-A yanking pussy with no strings attached and that man is lahaying around making his way to you, close up shop. The fuck does he think this is? You’re not an automatic pussy machine, horniness has a window and if he doesn’t show up while it’s open he’s shit outta luck. Unless his lateness is setting the stage for angry sex (which, by the way, I hear is amazing. What do you guys know about that?), fucking a man who has just disrespected you in a non-sexy way is just going to make you feel like shit.

5. Don’t make him be an asshole

Now ladies. I know that the vast majority of you who are participating in casual sex relationships are really not built for it. And I know you little puss pusses get attached to the owner of the dick that’s stretching you out on a regular basis. You lie there in post-nut bliss idly chit chatting and you start to imagine how great the two of you would be together in other circumstances. So you start doing dumb shit like inviting him to your birthday party or trying to hold his hand when you walk down the street. Or thinking that the fact that he’s blowing your back out regularly affords you the right to show up at his house unannounced.

Once you start taking liberties like that, you leave the man no choice but to treat you like shit. He has to make you fall back into position and there’s no point in trying to reason with a jump off who is overstepping her bounds. So he’ll have to do rude shit like promise to go out with you and then flopping at the last minute or pretending not to be home while you’re buzzing him until you get it through your thick skull that he just wants to fuck you. And that’s going to make you feel badly about yourself. Don’t make him take it there ladies. Please don’t.

2. You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to

If you’ve been reading my blog for a while now you know that my policy when it comes to unilaterally refusing to participate in certain sexual acts is this: either you’re doing it, or you’re giving out passes for it. If you’re in a relationship and you don’t want to give head you are either explicitly or essentially authorizing your man to get it elsewhere. Because you cannot possibly expect him to live out the rest of his days without head. You cannot. But the key words in that policy are when you are in a relationship.

If you’re a jump off, you don’t have to do anything that’s going to make you feel iffy. Here are two words for you: get your girl to do that for you. Okay that’s more than two words, but whatever. The point is, most women who aren’t me have an act or two that makes them feel some kinda way to participate in. And while I will always tell you to suck it up and at least try for your man, when it’s just a slam you’re not going to get the love up you need to offset the dirty feeling you get when you insert your tongue in his arsehole. So just say no honey.

Keep in mind though that it’s only so many things you can refuse to do when you’re a jump off before you become officially useless.

3. Keep your mouth shut unless you’re about to put a dick in there

If you hope to be wifed down some day, it’s not good for business for you to be giving up free beats. But it’s even worse for business for people to know that you are giving out free beats.  Ladies,  I shouldn’t have to remind you that the Carfax is a real thing. So for the love of all that is good and holy (and your reputation) keep your fucking mouth shut. Tell no one what you’re doing and tell that man to keep his piehole shut too. And if he doesn’t, abort mission. The expression “people talk” was created for a reason and once that shit gets out there is no recovering from it. And trust me ladies, nothing will ruin your self esteem worse than knowing that your secret nickname is Skankassslutbitch. Word to @NIANaturally.

So there you have it – my tips for being a jump off without needing years of therapy to recover. But what do you guys think? Do you feel the need to safeguard your self-esteem when getting it in sans-strings? Did I miss anything? Speak on it in the comments.

 

 

bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 37

  1. Reecie says:

    wellll. I think you pretty much covered it.

  2. Teflon Mom says:

    In my experience, trying to create civilized rules for what is essentially an uncivilized interaction is rarely worth it. You’d think that a man would react positively to being granted un-deserved access to one’s lady flower, but alas – frequently he just shits in the garden.

    1. CHeeKZ Money says:

      Dear Teflon,

      You are a bad influence on ho3s.

      please stop spreading your c0ckblocking propaganda.

      Sincerely,
      Goons and Dirtbags of America

      1. Teflon Mom says:

        LOL – this is why you are my second favorite Haitian.

      2. GirlSixx is ChloeRayne516 says:

        hahaaaaaa.

  3. Ms. Minx says:

    Basically, you got it all.

    Another “tip” might be: Perfect the “oh, hello, casual acquaintance” face just in case you ever run into him anywhere when you’re with your S/O, friends, or anyone who you don’t want to guess y’all bumpin’ uglies.

    1. max says:

      That’s a good one. People snitch on themselves all the time with their in-public facial expressions and body language.

      1. Teflon Mom says:

        Is it really the woman who does this though? I guess it is sometimes, but I’ve noticed more incidents of men with the tell-all face. It’s like they need for someone else to know that they’ve had access. It’s either the goofy grin, the sly glances, overboard innuendo or tacky and inappropriate touching.

        1. max says:

          I think both genders are equally guilty of accidentally snitching.

          Actually wait, let me rephrase that. Men are guilty of accidentally snitching and women are guilty of “accidentally” snitching.

        2. Flyy says:

          Amen to this b/c Ive been okay w/ dapping a man up in public or simply acknowledging his presence while he has to create a scene… a hand around the shoulder/waist… a “don’t you dare ignore me” look… a hot ass mess. first off, you are ruining what could be other beats. secondly, i thought it was YOUR idea to keep this on the low… oh, until I did that thing. Yea… that thing. Oh? Ok.

          1. max says:

            All of this. ALL OF IT.

  4. muze says:

    LOL at number three.

  5. ncvirgogal says:

    …..and this is proof that I don’t have what it takes to perfect the jump off status. Lol

    1. Keona says:

      Lol I don’t think so either but I guess it depends on the guy. You can’t go being a jumpoff to a guy you really like and can see yourself marrying and having babies with.
      I think if I were gonna do it, I’d choose a guy who 1) is fine as hell; 2) has the personality/intelligence of a brick wall; 3) has superior sex/head game (I may have to ask around to find out); 4) is an overall bad “relationship” guy.

      You don’t have to worry about falling in love with this guy because he’s generally an a-hole and won’t do all the cute stalker-type stuff that guys normally do in the beginning to get you to fall for them. You’re incompatible with him so you know there’s no long-term potential. And he’s fine so he’s got women coming at him all the time, and you know he’s no good from the jump. The kicker is that if he’s real fine & has a lot of chicks, he may not be mindful of your time, which conflicts with Max’s #1.

      1. max says:

        I died laughing at “has the personality/intelligence of a brick wall”.

        For me though I find that casual relationships work better with a man you actually dig than a man you would never want to wife down. You know why? Because the brick wall guys, once they get a taste of your goodness, want to lock you down. And there is nothing more annoying to deal with than a male fuck buddy who has caught feelings. Nothing.

        1. Keona says:

          Hmm…yea I get it. But if somebody has to catch feelings, I’d rather it be him than me. I know I couldn’t casually romp with a guy I really like. No matter how cool I’d want to be, I’d become clingy, needy, etc. I probably wouldn’t display it to him, but I’d torture my friends with anxiety.

          But you’re right tho. I can imagine there’s nothing like a brick-wall guy trying to cuddle & kiss you while you’re sleep that sends you into panic mode.

        2. Flyy says:

          Amen to that sister… *presses ignore on current caller* Amen.

      2. CHeeKZ Money says:

        1) Damn 2)I could play dumb 3) *touches extra small tongue* DOUBLE DAMN 4)I know how to treat a woman poorly.

        1 out of four aint bad, right?

        1. Keona says:

          hmm…*side eye*

  6. GirlSixx is ChloeRayne516 says:

    I think you pretty much covered it here Max.

    And your #3…….

    Women are doing themselves a huge disservice with this “I’m just doing Me/I Date like a Dude/I’m getting Mines” type attitudes because in doing so they somehow in some way end up diming they own self out. *smh*

    “You can’t be a Hoe if nobody knows”

    DISCRETION IS KEY!!!

    1. Yoles says:

      “You can’t be a Hoe if nobody knows”

      :D

      1. Reecie says:

        too bad so many people lack discretion these days. well actually not. you gotta know who to stay away from! LOL

    2. Teflon Mom says:

      You know you ain’t right for this, lol.

  7. SnarkyChic says:

    LOL I think you should make this a pamphlet and leave it in bathrooms for ladies to pick up and share with friends. I think the best advice here is don’t make him be an arsehole. It is always prudent to remember your lane!

    1. Maddison says:

      I completely agree!!!

  8. Teflon Mom says:

    I can’t believe you wrote this and didn’t address performance. If a man comes with less than his “A” game, feel free to abort the liaison and send him packing. If you, as a casual friend can’t tell him that foreplay consists of more than unzipping his pants, who can? Don’t be treated like a blow up doll with a pulse.

    1. max says:

      Hahaha two reasons why I didn’t address that:
      1. I don’t believe there’s such a thing as bad sex. I’m from the “sex is like pizza” school of thought
      2. I’m anti-foreplay.

      1. Teflon Mom says:

        No such thing as bad sex? No need for foreplay? Does.not.compute.

        1. max says:

          I mean I’ve had less-than-amazing sex but I’ve never really had sex so bad that it wasn’t >> everything else I could have been doing.

        2. Keona says:

          lol I love foreplay. It’s non-negotiable.

          But I agree, “bad” sex is still better than basically any other activity I could do to occupy my time.

        3. Keona says:

          And I’m also the only one of my friends who thinks sex>>>head

          1. max says:

            I’m anti-head too.

        4. Flyy says:

          I agree w/ Teflon. This oven will not cook w/ a pre-heat.

  9. Humble_One says:

    Interesting to see a woman give these tips.

    In regards to #3. I think most men know that if you all aren’t in relationships there are several men you deal with for routine maintenance. So while you can be discreet some men know what’s going on.

  10. Maddison says:

    Not only did I find this hilarious, I also found it incredibly insightful! I definitely have a tendency to get attached and try to play the girlfriend role and that’s most likely the reason he blew me off today. Loved it and will retain all of the information I just read, thank you!

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