As a lover of sex and a shunner of monogamy, I hold casual sex relationships in very high regard. I believe in them. And I know
from personal experience that they can be sustained for long, blissful, orgasmic periods of time if everyone just behaves properly. And to ensure that everyone knows exactly what that means, I gave you guys a jump off code of conduct that I hope to God you’re all adhering to.
While I am firmly of the belief that if you are a fuck buddy you must know your role and not overstep your bounds, I realize that a great many of the world’s jump offs are behaving as though you don’t have the right to basic human decency. Just because you allow a man to take a beats without requiring him to spend the night, doesn’t mean you have to just lay back and let him run
a train on all over you. You’re not a mattress, you’re performing an act of kindness by preventing someone from blue balls. The casual sex relationship is supposed to be a beautiful experience from which you emerge happy and well-fucked. It’s not supposed to deliver a crushing blow to your self-esteem from which you will never recover. So here is my handy-dandy guide to being a jump off without ruining your self-esteem.
1.Fuck on your time
We all know that men love to take a beautiful thing like consensual casual sex and shit it up by doing ignorant shit like disrespecting your time. They just can’t help it. But if you and your fuck buddy make plans for 7:30 and he doesn’t show up to beat it up until 10 o’clock, you are under no obligation to still be wet and waiting for him. That’s not how this is supposed to work. If you’re offering up primo, grade-A yanking pussy with no strings attached and that man is lahaying around making his way to you, close up shop. The fuck does he think this is? You’re not an automatic pussy machine, horniness has a window and if he doesn’t show up while it’s open he’s shit outta luck. Unless his lateness is setting the stage for angry sex (which, by the way, I hear is amazing. What do you guys know about that?), fucking a man who has just disrespected you
in a non-sexy way is just going to make you feel like shit.
5. Don’t make him be an asshole
Now ladies. I know that the vast majority of you who are participating in casual sex relationships are really not built for it. And I know you little puss pusses get attached to the owner of the dick that’s stretching you out on a regular basis. You lie there in post-nut bliss idly chit chatting and you start to imagine how great the two of you would be together in other circumstances. So you start doing dumb shit like inviting him to your birthday party or trying to hold his hand when you walk down the street. Or thinking that the fact that he’s blowing your back out regularly affords you the right to show up at his house unannounced.
Once you start taking liberties like that, you leave the man no choice but to treat you like shit. He has to make you fall back into position and there’s no point in trying to reason with a jump off who is overstepping her bounds. So he’ll have to do rude shit like promise to go out with you and then flopping at the last minute or pretending not to be home while you’re buzzing him until you get it through your thick skull that he just wants to fuck you. And that’s going to make you feel badly about yourself. Don’t make him take it there ladies. Please don’t.
2. You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to
If you’ve been reading my blog for a while now you know that my policy when it comes to unilaterally refusing to participate in certain sexual acts is this: either you’re doing it, or you’re giving out passes for it. If you’re in a relationship and you don’t want to give head you are either explicitly or essentially authorizing your man to get it elsewhere. Because you cannot possibly expect him to live out the rest of his days without head. You cannot. But the key words in that policy are when you are in a relationship.
If you’re a jump off, you don’t have to do anything that’s going to make you feel iffy. Here are two words for you: get your girl to do that for you. Okay that’s more than two words, but whatever. The point is, most women who aren’t me have an act or two that makes them feel some kinda way to participate in. And while I will always tell you to suck it up and at least try for your man, when it’s just a slam you’re not going to get the love up you need to offset the dirty feeling you get when you insert your tongue in his arsehole. So just say no honey.
Keep in mind though that it’s only so many things you can refuse to do when you’re a jump off before you become officially useless.
3. Keep your mouth shut unless you’re about to put a dick in there
If you hope to be wifed down some day, it’s not good for business for you to be giving up free beats. But it’s even worse for business for people to know that you are giving out free beats. Ladies, I shouldn’t have to remind you that the Carfax is a real thing. So for the love of all that is good and holy (and your reputation) keep your fucking mouth shut. Tell no one what you’re doing and tell that man to keep his piehole shut too. And if he doesn’t, abort mission. The expression “people talk” was created for a reason and once that shit gets out there is no recovering from it. And trust me ladies, nothing will ruin your self esteem worse than knowing that your secret nickname is Skankassslutbitch. Word to @NIANaturally.
So there you have it – my tips for being a jump off without needing years of therapy to recover. But what do you guys think? Do you feel the need to safeguard your self-esteem when getting it in sans-strings? Did I miss anything? Speak on it in the comments.