Man Logic

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 You guys know I love men. I think they are vastly superior creatures in every way. They’re funnier, they’re dirtier, and they just make sense.

Well, they make more sense, I should say.

Because the thing about men is that they operate under the misapprehension that because their logic is superior to that of women, it actually makes sense all the time. And that is not the case. What my darling men fail to realize that logic is a continuum and it goes a little something like this:

insanity < woman logic < max-logic < man logic < actual logic

As you can see dear men, you’re near the top of the logic food chain, but the man way of thinking is still a little off sometimes. I know women are baffling and make no sense a lot of the time, but believe you me you have your moments too. Allow me to illustrate:

Ignoring what a woman says in favour of what he thinks she must mean

Even the heading is baffling right? Consider this scenario:

A woman tells a man she doesn’t want a relationship. He doesn’t either but instead of proceeding to the no strings attached playground with her, he assumes that she is lying and does, in fact want a relationship and therefore avoids her like the plague.

Or this one:

Man and Woman meet. Man propositions Woman for sex. Woman politely declined. Man, thinking he detected a gleam in Woman’s eyes that suggests she doesn’t mean it, continues to try to get sex from Woman. Woman’s declines get progressively less polite until she is forced to exclaim that she doesn’t want to fuck him, has never wanted to fuck him, will never fuck him and in fact wouldn’t fuck him with someone else’s pussy. Man, continuing to see an imaginary gleam in Woman’s eye, continues to try to get sex from a woman.

This is Man Logic 101 and I do not get it. In any other circumstance you use the evidence that is right in front of your eyes to draw conclusions, but when it comes to the words out of a woman’s mouth all of a sudden you’re relying on subtle clues like the inflection of her voice and the amount of moisture in her eye to dictate your actions? You make no sense.

If no one knows about it it didn’t happen

Lord almighty if I had a dollar for every time a man tried this one on me I would be rich. It goes a little something like this:

Man wants Woman to participate in some type of nefarious action. (It’s usually some kind of inappropriate sexual contact, but it works in all situations). Woman declines; citing the immoral nature of said action. Man dismisses Woman’s concerns about the immorality of said action with the official Man Battle Song: “no one’s gonna know”. Woman points out to Man that committing an egregious act in secret makes the act no less egregious. Man attempts to explain to Woman that nothing counts if no one but the two of you knows what happened. Man (employing illogical tactic number 1) continues to try to convince Woman to participate in nefarious action.

Um fellas? You realize that if you ask a woman to do something that she thinks is wrong, she’ll know she did it, right? We’re all clear on that? So your argument that “no one will know” actually holds zero water. She’ll know and she thinks it’s wrong and she’ll judge herself for it. That’s the only thing that matters. Not just because she needs to be able to sleep at night with a clear conscience, but also and more importantly because do you have any fucking idea how needy a woman is when she’s doing something she feels she shouldn’t? It’s like a full-time job for you to reassure this chick that she’s not going to hell for all eternity because she took a fast beats off you. The lengths that men will go to to put themselves in the position of having to calm a woman in the midst of a morality crisis are just baffling.

It’s not cheating if there’s no fucking

Men come on now. Stop with this shit.  If you take an act that you have explicitly or ipso facto vowed to reserve exclusively for your bona fide and participate in that act with someone other than your one and only; you are cheating in some type of way. We all know what infidelity is and unless you can present me with a signed affidavit from wifey stating that she authorizes you to eat my pussy as long as you don’t stick your dick in it, please miss me with this bullshit illogical argument.

Failing tests on purpose

It goes a little something like this:

Darius and Nina are dating. It’s been a while now and everything is great. They have tonnes of things to talk about, they laugh together, and the sex is all of that. Each of them spends so much time with the other that they have no time left to see other people. So although they have not had “the talk” and are not “official”, they are ipso facto being exclusive.

Nina, a smart woman who knows that nothing counts until it’s official, wants to secure her position. But knowing that initiating “the talk” makes 90% of men run for the hills, she decides to get creative with hers. So rather than coming out and asking Darius to be exclusive with her, she starts dropping hints.

Now Darius is no dummy and knows that Nina is after official exclusivity. And he’s not mad at her for it – in fact he wants it too. But because he believes that Nina is “testing” him, he refuses to pass her test and instead pretends to be oblivious to the clues she’s dropping. Nina, knowing there is no way Darius could be dense enough not to pick up what she’s throwing down, realizes that he’s purposely ignoring her hints and concludes that he must be doing so because he doesn’t want to be exclusive with her. But it isn’t that Darius doesn’t want that, he just doesn’t like the way she handled it. So he decides to take a moral stand by depriving both of them of what they both want.

This is Man Logic in the extreme and every time I encounter it I want to throatpunch the man in question. This is about the dumbest thought process ever. You want something, she’s trying to give it to you, so you pretend not to want it because you don’t like the way she offered it? Get.the.FUCK.outta here. You know what that’s like? That’s like David Ortiz refusing to swing at a perfect pitch thrown by Roy Halladay because Hallday had his left foot forward instead of his right. You totally missed the point.

So that’s my list of the most baffling examples of Man Logic; what say you guys? Women do you feel me? Men – I dare you to convince me that this shit makes sense.

bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 40

  1. Matthew B. J. says:

    “But it isn’t that Darius doesn’t want that, he just doesn’t like the way she handled it”

    It’s the principle. LOL

    Great Post… You would think a guy is right next to you just giving it all away.

    1. max says:

      Thank you sir. I’ll admit I did get a little help from my friends on this.

  2. Malik says:

    Moral stands are important Max.

  3. MizzCam says:

    !!!!!!!!!!
    “Failing tests on purpose” had me over here cussing out my damn screen. THAT is something I will never understand. I try my best not to drop hints, but there are some things that I need a man to just meet me halfway, so I’m not totally exposed. I mean, just throw me a fukkin’ bone, ok?

    It’s fine to take a moral stand, ON THINGS THAT ACTUALLY MATTER. Why pretend to be oblivious to what we both want, or what it is I’m *trying* to ask for, but I need a little help with? Ugh. Man logic. -_-

    1. max says:

      Girl I hear you. That shit IRKS me.

  4. Robert86 says:

    Oh Max, you’re such a WOMAN!!!!

    1. max says:

      Those are fighting words around here Robert. Bite your tongue!

  5. Ray. says:

    Failing test on purpose. I can’t speak.for all Men, but I don’t like to be tested bc I feel like my girl should be able to keep it funky with me and not beat around the bush or ,in most cases, not try to swindle me to get an answer.

    1. max says:

      Oh right. Because men are always so direct and clear right? Especially when it comes to discussing relationships and feelings.

      1. JustLissen says:

        Two great lines:
        1)If you take an act that you have explicitly or ipso facto vowed to reserve exclusively for your bona fide and participate in that act with someone other than your one and only; you are cheating in some type of way.
        2)Each of them spends so much time with the other that they have no time left to see other people. So although they have not had “the talk” and are not “official”, they are ipso facto being exclusive.
        Maybe it’s the fact that you used ipso facto, or maybe it’s because this man-logic is inherently flawed but these two sentences resonated greatly with me.
        First of all in a relationship, boo-ship, friend-ship, etc-ship you know that there are some things that are uniquely set aside and special to your particular “-ship”. When you then start taking those moments and treating them generic, belying the significance manifested in those moments… well then you on the path to losing-me-ship. And it’s annoying! Especially when your response to by distaste for your actions fall along the line of “you’re being too sensitive”. Oh, kick rocks… hard!
        Secondly, I’ll never understand how a man will say, “I don’t want to be with you” but then you occupy all my time. So what should I believe? Your actions or your words? I take the blame too though, my nature is a cater-er… so if you ask me to do something (i.e. hang out with you, instead of my normal routine), I’ll do it… 1) because I supremely enjoy your company 2) because I think that you want more than you do and this is your subtle way of telling me. *sigh* I don’t think I’ll ever understand man-logic.
        At the core though, I like ride they provide… the heartache after is the killer.
        Good Post!

  6. SD says:

    “But it isn’t that Darius doesn’t want that, he just doesn’t like the way she handled it”

    Ya ever watch the National Geographic channel and you see like 3 male lions fighting it out for that 1 female?? its the same theory..let me fight these demons off then im coming to get yo ass..in the mean time STFU and chill!

    Imagine if the female lioness walked over and picked out one specific lion and said yea I want you, you do it for me, lets get together..he would look @ her and say get yo ass outta here and let me get the fighting woman!

    my point – just shhhh – we coming (but on our time) – you can drop all the hints you want, it aint working..lol

    man-logic

    1. max says:

      *blank stare*

      Yeah. Like I said, men are baffling.

    2. TWIsM says:

      Ummmmm, I gonna have to kindly disagree. Let some fine lioness come up to me and be like you can fight those lions over there or you can beat this puss cat up instead.

      Game, lioness!

      1. TWIsM says:

        HTML fail. That’s what I get for sneak blogging at work. LOL

    3. SD says:

      I’m a Leo so its prob just me..lol

  7. Ray. says:

    @SD
    I don’t know about all that, but if that’s the way u see it…

  8. CHeeKZ Money says:

    That baseball analogy made no sense. Roy Halladay is a rightie, his left foot would always be forward and the batter could just step out the box??

    1. max says:

      That’s exactly my point Cheekz. Exactly.

  9. Krystal light says:

    “insanity < woman logic < max-logic < man logic < actual logic"

    Why does this look like shots fired at all them other women?

    1. max says:

      It is widely known that I a) believe with all my heart that women make no sense and b) consider myself exempt from that.

    2. keisha brown says:

      lol. cuz it is.
      i heart max with 1/2 my heart…but.. yeah…

      everything is a matter of perspective! cuz i’ve had to deal with more questionable man logic than questionable woman logic of late! women i get! men – not so much!

      but then again… am i supposed to? if we all understood each other – where would we be?

      *strokes chin to ponder more…

  10. TWIsM says:

    I don’t know if “Ignoring what a woman says in favour of what he thinks she must mean” is such a bad thing. Experience is a hell of a teacher. And there are many women who say they’re down with the friends with benefits arrangement, but don’t mean it. I’d liken it to men who say they’re separated and those that actually are.

  11. Sam Sharpe says:

    Maxie, this post is all types of wrong. But I’m sure you expected me to say that. First and foremost, men who choose to ignore what a woman says in favour of what he thinks she must mean do so because “WOMEN DO THIS ALL. THE. TIME”. So, he’s just acting on past experience. As you know, experience teaches wisdom. Every man has had countless experiences where a woman says zig when she means zag either because she was in denial about her true feelings or she was trying to test a man on some Darius and Nina shit…

    Speaking of Darius & Nina (I’m going to ignore your bastardization and distortion of plot points from Love Jones) it isn’t a mere issue of men failing tests on purpose. It’s men recognizing that women are coming on some bullshit & deciding to match bullshit with bullshit. I can’t speak for all men here, but what I will say is that when a woman comes to me with this kind of sideways move I immediately classify her as a woman I have no interest in having mature, adult relationships with. Their playing a game. And the funniest thing about it is women are always talking about not wanting a man who’s into games but then turn around and steady play games as if dating/relationships are a game of Connect Four. Get outta her with that shit!

    As for the other two points…well…if no one knows it didn’t happen and it ain’t cheating if you ain’t fucking…it’s a micro-cheat.

    1. Slim Jackson says:

      I’m with the homie on Sam on failing test. He said what I would’ve said had I gotten here sooner. I may not screen a chick out based on a test, but I’ll take delight in watching her figure out how to be direct.

    2. max says:

      All I’m going to say for now is that I was just using their names in my made-up example. That wasn’t meant to be an accurate description of the events that unfolded between them.

  12. SnarkyChic says:

    LOL I got a kick out of this post. I too believe that men are funnier. To say that to women is like committing a crime though you know sensitive feelings and hashish. I will say that the whole friends with benefits situation isn’t really their fault though. A lot of chicks claim to be able to handle it but in actuality they are trying to use the pucci to ensnare a ninja. That never really works but women try, try, and try again. It is wise for a man to just let it fall by the waistside or risk dealing with an overly dramatic scene at his residence, place of employment or barbershop. None of those scenes really ends well.

  13. Humble_One says:

    I think what you are missing in some of this is that women are not firm in their standings.

    Ignoring what a woman says in favour of what he thinks she must mean

    Do you know how many women I’ve met that told me they didn’t want a relationship when I said I didn’t want one? Some women will tell you anything you want to hear if they like you. You’re thinking it’s all good until she gets attitudes, jealous, and then cuts into you like “what’s up?”.

    If no one knows about it it didn’t happen

    While this isn’t what I do I know plenty of men that think this way. Why? Because you all say one thing and do another. Once again I’ve taken a woman’s “no” or apprehension to doing something at face value. I respect her decision and move on. I’ve taken L’s for doing that. Other guys that don’t take no for an answer, don’t respect you not wanting to do something, seem to eventually get what they want by being persistent. That’s just not my style. I don’t beg and harass but for the guys that do it they get what they want so they keep doing it.

    1. SD says:

      “Do you know how many women I’ve met that told me they didn’t want a relationship when I said I didn’t want one? Some women will tell you anything you want to hear if they like you”

      This has happened to me @least 3 times

  14. Larry says:

    “Failing tests on purpose”

    *Hangs head in shame* lol

    But I co-sign all the other gentlemen on here with their notion of not liking a woman beating around the bush and the such. It’s like she’s trying to back door you or something. Are you really not that confident to straight up ask and tell me how you feel? If you feel I’m going to run for the hills if you bring up “the talk” then why would you want to be with me anyway? *shrugs*

    Great post Max…per the usual.

    1. Larry says:

      On further thought, I find it interesting that men are pretty much expected to be very direct and assertive when there is a lot of ambiguity going on when approaching women. A man just can’t go up to a woman…drop a couple of hints…beat around the bush and expect the woman to just give him her number. She wants him to ASK…risk here for rejection is at a high for men

      Now contrast that with the situation Max laid out above…very very little uncertainty. The woman is pretty sure the man wants to be exclusive…but still wants to drop hints when risk is at an optimal low.

      In sales, the best salesperson only asks questions they already know the answer to…because the risk is low on rejection. But as my homey WIM would say, “But what do I know…nothing, that’s what.” lol.

      1. Slim Jackson says:

        You’re onto something sir. I do have to issue a pause for talking about being back-doored. Everything else is cosignable.

      2. RG says:

        Because women aren’t used to rejection…aka…”p*ssy privilege”

  15. Miss Jenkins says:

    LOL! This post cracked me up.

  16. Keona says:

    LOL watch this:

    I feel like if I have to ask a man to be with me, then he needs to officially put his balls on lay-a-way. Especially if I’m the one who initially approached him. The roles are reversed, and God is somewhere in heaven confused as heck.

    Don’t let me do all the heavy lifting and then when we get together have the nerve to wake up one day & try to wear the pants in the relationship. You’re my b***h so bend over & take it.

    Just kidding. lol :)

    1. RG says:

      Herein lies why we cannot submit to the above-mentioned testing.

      1. Keona says:

        lol come on, you know i wasn’t serious

        1. RG says:

          I do. I thought the formality of my response clued you in. Lol. My bad.

  17. RG says:

    “Ignoring what a woman says in favour of what he thinks she must mean.”

    Life experience teaches most men that what a woman says has nothing to do with what she means. It’s worth the 2% of women you lose out on where this isnt the case to be right on the other 98%. What I’m saying is, the instances where this does not hold true are in the minority.

    “Failing tests on purpose”

    It is every man’s duty to fight against the proctoring of tests by women. While every case may not be that serious, all it takes is one man “falling in line” to upset the balance. Next thing you know, you all will be on our couch, on our Sunday, watching our Football, with our big piece of chicken…I guess what I’m saying is….its the principle.

    Good article though.

  18. streetztalk says:

    I wish I saw this when it first dropped. Been in the trenches as you all know

    Fuk that Max. Why test cats? Thats not mans logic, thats a mans PRIDE! We dont want to be tested. If you are gonna play THAT game, we will play it better and win. Thats all. lol

    Good one!

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