You guys know I love men. I think they are vastly superior creatures in every way. They’re funnier, they’re dirtier, and they just make sense.
Well, they make more sense, I should say.
Because the thing about men is that they operate under the misapprehension that because their logic is superior to that of women, it actually makes sense all the time. And that is not the case. What my darling men fail to realize that logic is a continuum and it goes a little something like this:
insanity < woman logic < max-logic < man logic < actual logic
As you can see dear men, you’re near the top of the logic food chain, but the man way of thinking is still a little off sometimes. I know women are baffling and make no sense a lot of the time, but believe you me you have your moments too. Allow me to illustrate:
Ignoring what a woman says in favour of what he thinks she must mean
Even the heading is baffling right? Consider this scenario:
A woman tells a man she doesn’t want a relationship. He doesn’t either but instead of proceeding to the no strings attached playground with her, he assumes that she is lying and does, in fact want a relationship and therefore avoids her like the plague.
Or this one:
Man and Woman meet. Man propositions Woman for sex. Woman politely declined. Man, thinking he detected a gleam in Woman’s eyes that suggests she doesn’t mean it, continues to try to get sex from Woman. Woman’s declines get progressively less polite until she is forced to exclaim that she doesn’t want to fuck him, has never wanted to fuck him, will never fuck him and in fact wouldn’t fuck him with someone else’s pussy. Man, continuing to see an imaginary gleam in Woman’s eye, continues to try to get sex from a woman.
This is Man Logic 101 and I do not get it. In any other circumstance you use the evidence that is right in front of your eyes to draw conclusions, but when it comes to the words out of a woman’s mouth all of a sudden you’re relying on subtle clues like the inflection of her voice and the amount of moisture in her eye to dictate your actions? You make no sense.
If no one knows about it it didn’t happen
Lord almighty if I had a dollar for every time a man tried this one on me I would be rich. It goes a little something like this:
Man wants Woman to participate in some type of nefarious action. (It’s usually some kind of inappropriate sexual contact, but it works in all situations). Woman declines; citing the immoral nature of said action. Man dismisses Woman’s concerns about the immorality of said action with the official Man Battle Song: “no one’s gonna know”. Woman points out to Man that committing an egregious act in secret makes the act no less egregious. Man attempts to explain to Woman that nothing counts if no one but the two of you knows what happened. Man (employing illogical tactic number 1) continues to try to convince Woman to participate in nefarious action.
Um fellas? You realize that if you ask a woman to do something that she thinks is wrong, she’ll know she did it, right? We’re all clear on that? So your argument that “no one will know” actually holds zero water. She’ll know and she thinks it’s wrong and she’ll judge herself for it. That’s the only thing that matters. Not just because she needs to be able to sleep at night with a clear conscience, but also and more importantly because do you have any fucking idea how needy a woman is when she’s doing something she feels she shouldn’t? It’s like a full-time job for you to reassure this chick that she’s not going to hell for all eternity because she took a fast beats off you. The lengths that men will go to to put themselves in the position of having to calm a woman in the midst of a morality crisis are just baffling.
It’s not cheating if there’s no fucking
Men come on now. Stop with this shit. If you take an act that you have explicitly or ipso facto vowed to reserve exclusively for your bona fide and participate in that act with someone other than your one and only; you are cheating in some type of way. We all know what infidelity is and unless you can present me with a signed affidavit from wifey stating that she authorizes you to eat my pussy as long as you don’t stick your dick in it, please miss me with this bullshit illogical argument.
Failing tests on purpose
It goes a little something like this:
Darius and Nina are dating. It’s been a while now and everything is great. They have tonnes of things to talk about, they laugh together, and the sex is all of that. Each of them spends so much time with the other that they have no time left to see other people. So although they have not had “the talk” and are not “official”, they are ipso facto being exclusive.
Nina, a smart woman who knows that nothing counts until it’s official, wants to secure her position. But knowing that initiating “the talk” makes 90% of men run for the hills, she decides to get creative with hers. So rather than coming out and asking Darius to be exclusive with her, she starts dropping hints.
Now Darius is no dummy and knows that Nina is after official exclusivity. And he’s not mad at her for it – in fact he wants it too. But because he believes that Nina is “testing” him, he refuses to pass her test and instead pretends to be oblivious to the clues she’s dropping. Nina, knowing there is no way Darius could be dense enough not to pick up what she’s throwing down, realizes that he’s purposely ignoring her hints and concludes that he must be doing so because he doesn’t want to be exclusive with her. But it isn’t that Darius doesn’t want that, he just doesn’t like the way she handled it. So he decides to take a moral stand by depriving both of them of what they both want.
This is Man Logic in the extreme and every time I encounter it I want to throatpunch the man in question. This is about the dumbest thought process ever. You want something, she’s trying to give it to you, so you pretend not to want it because you don’t like the way she offered it? Get.the.FUCK.outta here. You know what that’s like? That’s like David Ortiz refusing to swing at a perfect pitch thrown by Roy Halladay because Hallday had his left foot forward instead of his right. You totally missed the point.
So that’s my list of the most baffling examples of Man Logic; what say you guys? Women do you feel me? Men – I dare you to convince me that this shit makes sense.