Let me tell you a story: once I fucked a man I’d wanted to fuck for a really long time. When the moment came that I knew it was finally going to happen, I was so excited. I knew it was going to be great and I made sure I did my part to make it so. Man I pulled out my best moves and you know what happened? That man did not make not one sound. Not a grunt, not a moan, not even a bead of sweat on his forehead.
At first I thought it was just a language barrier…you know the first time you get with someone, things don’t always translate seamlessly right? So I worked harder. I put it on him like I’ve never put anything on anyone before and…nothing. Not a sound. Honestly at one point I stopped what I was doing to make sure he was awake. I swear to God! I’ve never been so butthurt in my life.
Two things happened as a result of that experience: 1) I vowed that I would get my hands on that man again one day and come hell or high water I would fuck a reaction out of him or die trying. And b) it solidified my hatred of quiet fucks.
And lest you think I’m the only one who feels this way, allow me to share this scene from a recent gchat:
max: You know what’s worse than quiet dates though? Quiet fucks
[Name Redacted]: Man…I had an ex. She was a quiet fuck. That shit was awkward…but I still tore that asss up
max: I haaaaaaaaaate quiet fucks. It’s just evil
[Name Redacted]: I don’t really understand
max: It’s an attempt to ruin your self-esteem I swear.
[Name Redacted]: Yeah. A weak attempt. Cuz I’m still gon bust that nut and go to sleep…bitch better holla or something
max: Hahaha I think it’s easier to deal with when it’s a girl…or maybe not actually
[Name Redacted]: It’s like…if I’m pumping and shit, you moaning is a reward. Bitch you just gon lay there and not say nothing? I’m less inclined to care about pleasing you since you can’t even make some noise to show your appreciation
max: Exactly! It’s bad manners at the very least. And i don’t get it…i couldn’t be silent during sex if you paid me. But then…some men don’t like it when women make too much noise
[Name Redacted]: Yeah. This isn’t a porno
I some women can’t help it though
[Name Redacted]: I don’t mind the noise if it’s genuine, I just don’t like what I call the “Pinky Yell”
max: Why pinky?
[Name Redacted]: After the porn star. That ho just be yelling. Shit don’t feel that good ho – shut the fuck up
max: Hahahaha! I wonder if I would feel that way if I encountered a man that made a lot of noise?
[Name Redacted]: You’d be pissed. And your pussy would dry up
max: Hahahaha I wouldn’t go that far. But I would definitely think it was weird.
[Name Redacted]: Nigga just hollering on every stroke and shit…I mean, I’m good for some super loud profane language when I’m getting ready to nut, or telling you loudly how good the pussy is…but a nigga not just finna be screaming and hollering and shit
max: Hahahaha! Yeah that is just a tad effeminate I think. I think all anybody needs to do is just let the other person know they’re having a good time
[Name Redacted]: Right. Just do that.
max: No one wants to feel like they’re in bed with a catatonic
[Name Redacted]: You ain’t gotta do anything extra
max: I think this chat is a blog post
I hate a quiet fuck! I would almost rather have a V-8. And if you know how much I love fucking and how much I hate V-8 you know that’s saying something. I don’t even understand how it’s possible to not make noise during sex…like I said in the chat, I could not be quiet if you put a gun to my head. It’s just not natural. So as far as I can see, unless you are an ex-con whose entire sexual history took place inside a penitentiary where you had to keep quiet or risk getting thrown in the bing (I learned that from Frankie & Johnny), there is no reason on God’s green earth that you should be more stoic than a palace guard while someone is fucking you. Even if you aren’t getting anything out of it, it’s still fucking rude. I swear I would rather have a man push me off him, zip up his pants and say “yeah this isn’t working for me” and chuck me the deuces mid-thronx than to have a man lie there silently trying to give me a complex.
My name is max and I hate a quiet fuck.
What about you guys? Are you silent fuckers? Do you hate quiet fucks too? Speak on it in the comments.