The Quiet Fuck

File photo of Tiger Woods at the WCG Bridgestone Invitational golf tournament in Akron

Let me tell you a story: once I fucked a man I’d wanted to fuck for a really long time. When the moment came that I knew it was finally going to happen, I was so excited. I knew it was going to be great and I made sure I did my part to make it so. Man I pulled out my best moves and you know what happened? That man did not make not one sound. Not a grunt, not a moan, not even a bead of sweat on his forehead.

At first I thought it was just a language barrier…you know the first time you get with someone, things don’t always translate seamlessly right? So I worked harder. I put it on him like I’ve never put anything on anyone before and…nothing. Not a sound. Honestly at one point I stopped what I was doing to make sure he was awake. I swear to God! I’ve never been so butthurt in my life.

Two things happened as a result of that experience: 1) I vowed that I would get my hands on that man again one day and come hell or high water I would fuck a reaction out of him or die trying. And b) it solidified my hatred of quiet fucks.

And lest you think I’m the only one who feels this way, allow me to share this scene from a recent gchat:

max: You know what’s worse than quiet dates though? Quiet fucks

[Name Redacted]: Man…I had an ex. She was a quiet fuck. That shit was awkward…but I still tore that asss up

max: I haaaaaaaaaate quiet fucks. It’s just evil

[Name Redacted]: I don’t really understand

max: It’s an attempt to ruin your self-esteem I swear.

[Name Redacted]: Yeah. A weak attempt. Cuz I’m still gon bust that nut and go to sleep…bitch better holla or something

max: Hahaha I think it’s easier to deal with when it’s a girl…or maybe not actually

[Name Redacted]: It’s like…if I’m pumping and shit, you moaning is a reward. Bitch you just gon lay there and not say nothing? I’m less inclined to care about pleasing you since you can’t even make some noise to show your appreciation

max: Exactly! It’s bad manners at the very least. And i don’t get it…i couldn’t be silent during sex if you paid me. But then…some men don’t like it when women make too much noise

[Name Redacted]: Yeah. This isn’t a porno

max: But  I some women can’t help it though

[Name Redacted]: I don’t mind the noise if it’s genuine, I just don’t like what I call the “Pinky Yell”

max: Why pinky?

[Name Redacted]: After the porn star. That ho just be yelling. Shit don’t feel that good ho – shut the fuck up

max:  Hahahaha! I wonder if I would feel that way if I encountered a man that made a lot of noise?

[Name Redacted]: You’d be pissed. And your pussy would dry up

max: Hahahaha I wouldn’t go that far. But I would definitely think it was weird.

[Name Redacted]: Nigga just hollering on every stroke and shit…I mean, I’m good for some super loud profane language when I’m getting ready to nut, or telling you loudly how good the pussy is…but a nigga not just finna be screaming and hollering and shit

max: Hahahaha! Yeah that is just a tad effeminate I think. I think all anybody needs to do is just let the other person know they’re having a good time

[Name Redacted]: Right.  Just do that.

max: No one wants to feel like they’re in bed with a catatonic

[Name Redacted]: You ain’t gotta do anything extra

max: I think this chat is a blog post

I hate a quiet fuck! I would almost rather have a V-8. And if you know how much I love fucking and how much I hate V-8 you know that’s saying something. I don’t even understand how it’s possible to not make noise during sex…like I said in the chat, I could not be quiet if you put a gun to my head. It’s just not natural. So as far as I can see, unless you are an ex-con whose entire sexual history took place inside a penitentiary where you had to keep quiet or risk getting thrown in the bing (I learned that from Frankie & Johnny), there is no reason on God’s green earth that you should be more stoic than a palace guard while someone is fucking you. Even if you aren’t getting anything out of it, it’s still fucking rude. I swear I would rather have a man push me off him, zip up his pants and say “yeah this isn’t working for me” and chuck me the deuces mid-thronx than to have a man lie there silently trying to give me a complex.

My name is max and I hate a quiet fuck.

What about you guys? Are you silent fuckers? Do you hate quiet fucks too? Speak on it in the comments.

bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 37

  1. Renè says:

    OMG!!! I haven’t read the post yet. But the picture + post title, Classic. Lol!

  2. Valalix says:

    My name is Valalix and I hate quiet fuck

  3. Inclined says:

    Great Read.I’m sorry you feel that way though, but,

    “Real Gs move in silence like Lasagna”

    1. max says:

      Don’t tell me you are a silent fucker….why?!?

      1. Inclined says:

        I guess it has to do with my temperament…a little grunt here and there, but that’s about it. My facial expressions are enough to let a girl know I’m feeling it.

        1. No, it’s not enough. Like Max said,the shit is rude. It’s like paying your ticket to go to Disney World, and then it rains all day…I mean you get in, but all you can do is “look” at the rides… Part of the thrill of riding is hearing the screams(not that I want to hear a man scream, but..) give me something. You just cant enjoy it.

        2. BimRock says:

          No no no! This is not good enough. Once u get that good good you gotta thank Jesus/Allah or whoever a couple times in the fellowship. Show some gratitude!

  4. Lady Ngo says:

    LMFAO @ the gchat.

    I color myself a bit of a prude but even i gotta say being silent is wack. If you don’t talk (i feel uncomfortable chatting but love being spoken too #selfish) then you at least need to grunt or something.

    Staying completely silently is just so not the business!

  5. Yoles says:

    quiet fucks are LAME… no you don’t have to do it up 70s porn style but i’m going to need something.. panting, groaning, moaning, breathing, whispering, humming, singing the praises.. something!!! there’s a man under me not a mounted dildo.. act like one.. let me hear you say AHHHHHHHHH

  6. AllUBitchezIsMySonz says:

    Lol pinky yell. She is really annoying!! I’ve never had a quiet fck but if I did I’d prolly try 2 fck a reaction out of him. I’d b happy with a Lip bite n his eyes closed! I’ll make the music!!

  7. Malik says:

    I’m a quiet fucker. *shrugs*

  8. chocolate milk says:

    I have only ever had one quiet fuck. He was so damn fine, I left

    1. BP says:

      You left and then…..I feel like there is more to this story.

      1. It was probably that he was so damn fine, she felt like she wasn’t up to par. As fine as he was, he could probably have anybody, and probably has, so now he has her questioning herself… that’s where the complex comes in… I feel ya.

  9. Krystal light says:

    I’ve recently had a quiet f*ck. My husband said I was making too much noise and so I shut up and when we were done, he said I was too quiet. Smh. Dudes don’t know what they want. I don’t like quiet f*cks either but that’s because my husband is dark and I can’t seem him in the dark. I don’t want to feel like I’m f*cking a burglar.

    1. Larry says:

      LOL!! Oh, man…that was comedy.

    2. LaLaBakir says:

      f*cking dead!!! LOL

    3. emti says:

      This comment almost got me fired from my job *DEAD*

    4. BimRock says:

      Rotfl! Oh man….

  10. Ray. says:

    @Inclined – What the fuck does that mean?!?

    I was a silent fucker when I was younger, dumb young, but that’s only bc I thought it was “uncool” for men to make sounds during sex.. but that was when I just wanted to be pleased and didn’t care much about pleasing. Once I became a pleaser tho, my whole world changed! I actually said one girls name…ah good times, if I can get that one more time before I get hitched I probably would..but I digress.

    I don’t know the pinky yell. I never really watched her, but I kno the Cherokee yell…so annoying. I watch her flicks on mute.

    Question ladies: What would u do if u were fucking a man that talked as much as Wesley Pipes?

    1. Krystal light says:

      I was curious too so I looked it up. That was a Lil Wayne reference. The g in lasagna is kind of silent.

      It’s funny what you said though. When I was young and dumb I thought women were supposed to be super loud during sex. I always made sure that even the people upstairs could hear us. Smh. I was so loud my husband didn’t need to make noise. I made enough for the both of us. Smh.

  11. Ray. says:

    Well Mrs. Light, you and I would have been a great duo…lol.

    A good scream, squirm, and shake combo is a great ego stroker.

  12. GirlSixx is ChloeRayne516 says:

    That G-chat convo tho….. Name Redacted is hilarious!!

  13. jav says:

    I stopped having sex with a girl the first time because she was a quiet fuck. She just kept staring at me. It was weird.

  14. Ray. says:

    That is weird.. u shoulda put Ur hand over her eyes and made her feel weird too lol

  15. ” I swear I would rather have a man push me off him, zip up his pants and say “yeah this isn’t working for me” and chuck me the deuces mid-thronx than to have a man lie there silently trying to give me a complex.”


    I totally agree.

  16. Reecie says:

    I encountered a quiet one and it annoyed me. I considered it success when I got some grunts out of him. but yea, it is very odd and I don’t really like it. at all. thing is sometimes I can be quiet, but not often….

  17. I used to be quiet. Then again, that was when I was sneaking sex in my parents basement with my soon-to-be-husband. And then I got a tad louder when he was piping me during our marriage. My husband was always semi-quiet and I didn’t think anything of it. UNTIL….

    ….years later, after our divorce, we had some late-night, desperate sex. And as I’m riding away I’m thinking, “Was he always this quiet?! What a turn-off!!!”

    When we were done, he asked me, “Why are you so loud during sex now?”

    I looked at him like this -> o_O <- and went on my merry way but when I thought about it, I figured I was the one who had "grown" sexually. It's gotta mean something if my sex got louder after not being with him right?

    *shrugs* I don't know the point of my story but all's I know is, I don't like quiet fucks either.

  18. Juwon says:

    Sometimes a quick fuck is what one needs. A good stress reliever.

    From my point of view, men will rather have a quick fuck if no string attached. In and out and move on to the next. But women, tend to take longer to hit the red line like men, therefore a quick fuck is not something they tend to have.

    “Some do love QF”

    What I tend to do is a quick fuck followed by a supper long fuck. That way both get satisfied.

    1. Juwon says:


      A mistake post to the wrong blog. Ouch so sorry.

  19. Bonez says:

    Nope, can’t deal with a quiet fuck. It would drive me insane just hearing the sounds of the bed and nothing else

  20. JVS says:

    Max, it’s as if you read my mind. If only the guy I’m fucking could too! I’ve pulled out every trick in the book. The annoying part is that he won’t shut up afterwards. Pillow talk is only good in moderation– where was all this enthusiasm 20 minutes ago? I guess that’s what’s really bothering me. Silence is like a void between us… a massive disconnect… ugh.

  21. Tori says:

    I hate it as well, even heavy breathing is appreciated. But in all honesty, I am a firm believer in not faking it, so if it doesn’t MAKE (as in not optional) me moan, I don’t.

  22. ryan g says:


  23. this ish is funny as hell. I hate a quiet fuck too!! i like a little encouragement while i’m getting it in. I would even take instructions over silence!!

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