As you guys already know, I stay losing by being Canadian. They do not give out condoms on the subway here, we don't have Pandora, and our butter pales in comparison to yours. It's no kinda life, let me tell you. But the single biggest way in which being Black and Canadian sucks is this: we don't have Greek Life here.
Up until fairly recently I knew next to nothing about Black fraternities and sororities. I mean I saw School Daze and I watched A Different World so I kinda knew they existed, but it didn’t seem like something real people did in real life. Then I became a blogger and made friends with all these Yanks, and all of a sudden it’s prophyte this and neophyte that and this one’s son and that one’s crossing and I’m just completely stymied by it all.
For the past few months I’ve been lowkey obsessed with Greek Life (while simultaneously bemoaning the fact that I cannot join a sorority) and I’m slowly starting to get a handle on things. After months of informal research in the form of bothering people with asinine questions, I’ve come up with a handy dandy little guide to Greeks that I’m pretty sure is at least 60% complete bullshit. But I’m going to share it for my readers who are baffled as I once was so they can gnash their teeth along with me.
Okay! Let’s start with the ladies:
When I think of AKA’s, two words come to mind: Whitley Gilbert. Ask anyone about these girls and you will hear that they are stuck up, prissy, bitchy, full of themselves, and stare in the mirror all day long. Sounds like my kinda woman to me! But in addition to being pretty (or thinking they are at least), apparently these ladies are smart and keeners and closet freaks (#win). And of course when you’re talking about any woman who is pretty + smart you know what that = right? High maintenance.
I’m getting conflicting reports about Zetas. From some people I hear that Zetas are big girls, country girls, homely girls. They seem to fade into the background. But then I also hear that they are pretty and sophisticated. But what I hear from both directions is that they are sassy. And judging from the one and only Zeta I know in real life, that sounds about right. Either way it seems like these are the nicest of all the Greek girls.
I get the warm and fuzzies when I think of Deltas. Like these are the girls who give really good hugs; even if they’re rolling their eyes while they squeeze you. Word on the street is that Deltas have a bit of an edge. They’re down to earth, smart, and classy but they can get ratched behind closed doors. These are the independent ladies who don’t need men for much other than an occasional oiling of the parts and from what I hear, if you’re going to wife one you better be on top of your game and man enough to handle real life situations. Word to OutKast.
I’m sorry but I just started pissing myself laughing the minute I thought about SGRhos. Call me a bitch, but I think of these girls and I think of kitten heels, flowers in hair, and ill-fitting clothing. I’m sorry! I know I’m a bitch! But I can think of at least one person who feels me on this, right?? These girls are sweet and funny and they would be cute if they just….were a bit more cute. But AKA’s and Deltas love them because they make great fan clubs.
And the mens:
When I think of these guys I think of that really smart boy that Vanessa dated on The Cosby Show….you know the one with all the keys? I forget his name; but that seems to be pretty typical with Alphas. They’re smart but awkward and seemingly disinterested in women. They do well in life and treat women nicely but they’re kinda boring. Aka the man we all should want but never do.
These dudes are kind of mysterious in that when I ask about them I don’t get much information. The general consensus is that they’re kinda corny and don’t really fit in anywhere but with each other. They’re kinda tough but also kinda pretty, but not enough of either to really be all that compelling. They seem to be the ones women take a rest with when Kappas and Omegas have tired them out.
I affectionately call Iotas the “who, what nows?” because I always forget about them and so does everyone I ever ask about Greeks. The most common description I hear about them is lame. Which makes me so sad. I apologize if any Iota’s are reading this right now, I’m just telling you what I’ve heard!
No matter who I ask about Kappas I always hear the same thing: pretty boys. These are my #LookieLooky boys and lord knows I love em. Don’t even get me started. These ones have everything you want – they look good, speak well, and you can stunt on every heaux in the club if you have one on your arm. Unfortunately from what I hear they’re also maddening and full of themselves. Oh and they wear bowties. (is this why @sdotwalton is always wearing a bowtie in his photos??)
Outside of TV and movies, the one thing I ever heard about Black Greeks is this: Ques are amazing at eating pussy. Unfortunately I have yet to be eaten by a Que so I can neither confirm nor deny this, but I know I have enough Omega readers that one of them will be by soon enough to speak on it.
Anyway, from what I hear, Ques are the rowdy boys. They’re tough and brolic and they always have pictures of their brands on Facebook. Which may or may not be a good thing; depending on said brand’s resemblance to a worm. If my male friends were Greek they would be Omega’s – they’re charming as fuck and slay nuff heaux but do not expect a phone call the next morning. These seem to be the unruly motherfuckers that give you that thrilling feeling of butterflies in your stomach, until you realize that that feeling is better known as anxiety and throw him back for a nice little Alpha boy.
And there you have it. Greek life from the eyes of an unwilling GDI *cries*
What do you guys think? Are my takes on the Greek flavours on point or have I been tragically misinformed? Fellow Canadians are you interested in Black Greek life? Speak on it in the comments.