A couple of weeks ago I was in a cab, rushing to West Queen West to judge an event with three lovely ladies. Because I’d read some epic smut and had to take a fast nail-painting break before leaving the house I’m not a hipster and am therefore unfamiliar with West Queen West, I was [...]
A couple of weeks ago I was in a cab, rushing to West Queen West to judge an event with three lovely ladies. Because I’d read some epic smut and had to take a fast nail-painting break before leaving the house I’m not a hipster and am therefore unfamiliar with West Queen West, I was late and frazzled and got out of the cab a few blocks too early and had to haul my ass to make it there on time. And as I was strutting as fast as my stilettos could carry me, I bumped smack into my past in the form of an old friend.
This dude – let’s call him Rod – is a friend from home with whom I had a falling out a few years ago and have only bumped into once or twice since then. The last time I saw him he apologized and promised to call me and never did. So the combination of his egregious act and his lack of follow up caused him to be pretty much eradicated from my consciousness. But when I saw him, I called his name instinctively; before I even remembered that we’re not friends anymore. I was so happy to see him that I forgot he was supposed to be on my shit list. But having initiated a conversation, I had no choice but to continue to chat with him as he walked me to my destination.
When we got there, we exchanged numbers; him promising to call and me threatening to taunt and harass him if he did not. And then I went into the event and rabble roused as I am known to do. To be honest, I pretty much forgot about running into him until he contacted me a few days later to hang out. There was some minor drifting off on his part, but eventually we made plans to have tea and catch up.
The day we were supposed to meet I was strangely keyed up all day. I felt hyper without really knowing why. But when I walked into the agreed-upon spot and saw him sitting there, I was so glad to see him that I realized the hyperness I’d felt all day was excitement to be reunited with such a good old friend.
The time we spent together was surreal and awesome. Emotional and exciting and a bit fraught at times. But beneath the complex spectrum of emotions I went through during this tea date was an overwhelming feeling of comfort and familiarity. Despite all the news we had to share, despite the stories we had to catch each other up on, despite the ways in which our years apart have changed both our personalities and our looks, what I felt during all the time I spent with him was known. And it was a fucking great feeling.
For most of my life I’ve been a loner. I’ve never had a lot of friends and never really put much stock in friendship. Whether due to nature or necessity, I’ve always been a lone wolf; perfectly comfortable to live inside my own head and navigate the world solo. In the last few years though, I’ve become rich in friends. All of a sudden I have an amazing circle of people I like and who like me, who want to be around me or talk to me, who support me, help me when I let them, and cheer me on. The thing is though, that my group of friends is relatively new. They know me as I am now, but they don’t know the me I used to be. My past – and the characters and experiences therein that shaped who I am now – is just stories to them. They get it, but they weren’t there. And what I realized during the time I spent with Rod is how much I’ve missed having people in my life who knew me when.
Despite the fucked up stuff that caused the rift between Rod and me in the first place, despite my usual low tolerance for friends who have let me down, despite my initial wariness and distrust of him, I found myself telling Rod things that I would never in a million years tell anyone else. I admitted to motivations and desires that I have trouble acknowledging even to myself, and I felt understood in a way that I’ve not felt in a long long time. And what kept reverberating through my brain was a Joe Budden lyric “I guess despite everything that she showed me/It felt good to be around a broad that really knows me“. Swap out the “she” for “he” and the “broad” for “dude” and that’s pretty much the summary of how it felt to spend time with this old, awesome friend.
None of which is meant to in any way diminish the awesomeness of my newer friends. I’m beyond fortunate to have a group of 3D and e-friends who are fucking amazing in all the ways you want friends to be, even when I don’t do my best by them. But there is just something about old friends, isn’t there? A special kind of comfort that you can only get from someone who knew you in your pudgy and homely days, a certain kind of ease that only comes with someone who knew you before you were you.
What do you guys think? Are “old” friends different or more comforting for you than “newer” friends? Do you have a good mix of both in your life or are you lacking in one or the other? Speak on it in the comments.
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Are “old” friends different or more comforting for you than “newer” friends? Do you have a good mix of both in your life or are you lacking in one or the other?
To the first I’d say sometimes. Some people I hope to never run into again and others, yeah, I get that same feeling you described.
To the second, I have a pretty good mix. But most of my new “friends” don’t really feel like friends because in comparison, I still feel like they don’t really know me yet.
since moving to the city where i currently reside i’ve made some great friends. these “new friends” have become my “old friends”. my old friends have become my acquaintances more or less. i see them whenever i go home. i do have one friend which is an old friend and a new friend all in one. she will always be a friend regardless.
“Are “old” friends different or more comforting for you than “newer” friends? Do you have a good mix of both in your life or are you lacking in one or the other?”
i have the same best friends that i made 30 years ago & i love, Love, LOVE my old friends… it’s like having sisters with out fighting for parental attention and favors and not having a share anything you don’t want to share.. and nothing is more comfortable than knowing you don’t have to explain yourself because they really know you, the inner you, the scared you, the not-always-so-sure-of-yourself you, the brave you, the headstrong you, the not-always-understood you… those feelings can be duplicated or faked, they come with the bonding that occurs over time…
i have also made small sets of friends as an adult in undergrad and in my first job afterwards… they know different parts and see the grown, mature, been there done that you and that is good too!
i have found that i am no longer making friend, friends anymore.. just good close associates and pleasant acquaintances and i’m fine with that too.. my coffers are full and i am satiated
I think that old friends are more comfortable because they know you. You already have trust and a rapport built up. Which makes it that much more annoying when they do something that may eff up the friendship. New friends…it’s exciting meeting new people that share enough interests and ideals to actually become friends instead of acquaintances…but having to take the time to build that rapport is always irritating. Hence why im a bit of a loner.
Sidenote: I actually just had a very similar situation just a couple of weeks ago. I was at a weekend-long event and i bumped into this old friend of mine that I had had a major falling out with. We hadn’t spoken since the falling out happened and when i saw him, my reaction was the opposite of yours. I had no desire to talk to him, i had planned on walking past but he obviously had other plans and he jumped me and hugged me and talked about how we should get together and catch up and blah blah blah lol.
“Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold”.
I guess it’s up to each person to decide which group is which. I’m blessed to have at 5 friends that have known me for 20+ years. Their friendship is so comfortable and effortless – and always full of riotous laughter because they knew me when…
That said, I love my new friends. They’re keepers. I like that they know me now and I’m always optimistic that one day I’ll have known them for 20+ years too…
Ummm, I think I’m lacking in old friends…unless you count the folks I met in college as old. To me old=high school friends.
When I do hang out w/ old friends, besides memories that we share…they don’t know me. And quite honestly, I don’t know them. For a lot of them, I don’t understand their lifestyle. Forget being on the same page, we’re not in the same book.
That’s why I’m in no rush to catch up with people from the past. They don’t provide a sense of familiarity, just a realization that time has changed alot of things.
I have one friend I’ve had since the 3rd grade. All others have become acquaintances. Since I’m over 10 years out of HS/entering college I consider my college friends to be pretty old now too. New friends are any I’ve met in the last 5 years I guess. I have a few–a thoroughly vetted crew, but mostly acquaintances and homies by circumstance.
I think there is beauty in a friendship that surpasses various levels of your development, one where you can pick up where you left of if time gets between you and it still fits. But I also know they are pretty rare. I fell out with a friend I had since I was 13yo about a year or so ago and it really really hurt.
My core set of girl friends (those that would stand for me in my wedding) are my college friends. I hope we remain friends forever–I know that sounds cheesy but I love them that much.
I’ve met quite a few new friends that SEEM like old friends over the past couple years, which is pleasantly odd. Like only after a few conversations, we’ve seemed like old friends. Like I’ve known them (and they’ve known me) forever. And it’s funny because I’ve bee searching for that, too. A lot of my older friends have moved to different states, moved to another journey with their lives (such as children, etc.) so I’m very open to it all. Looking forward and all’at.
I have a good mix of both right now because I’ve lived in 3 different states in the US since graduating from college. I can say there is nothing like old friends there is a comfort there that’s irreplaceable. Yet, there is also the issue of accepting who you are now because they knew you back when. Some people don’t want you to change they remember who you were and want to keep you in that space. Then there are new people you meet that you feel like you’ve known forever.
In any case I’m finding as I get older I have more “acquaintances” and few friends but the friends I do have are like family.
I feel lucky to have some really great old friends and to have met some new friends whom I know will be around long enough to be my old friends.
My old friends and I share a common upbringings, schools and experiences. They know me inside and out…I don’t have to explain myself and our old jokes never stop being funny. It’s like the friendship version of Maxie’s description of the “Old Fuck”
But my new friends and I share excitement, learning new things, finding commonality even though we didn’t grow up together.
I love them all.
I have some old friends that mean everything to me. A couple of my girlfriends I don’t even consider friends but more like sisters. I can totally relate with what you have with Rod something about an old relationship that makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. However, with that being said my new friends (including e-friends) that I have made bring a fresh spin on life to me that I appreciate as well. I truly believe that good friends are siblings God didn’t give us.
dear max,
this is prob one of your best posts ever. i mean that.
and i 100% agree with it. while my new circles of e and real friends is great, this is something to be said for friends who hold your history books.
by trade, by choice and by the grace of God, my current group of friends has shifted. and at first, i felt supremely guilty by this – but since i am always a person, growing and changing, it stands to reason i am attracting people who are supposed to be there and support it.
the core people, the ones i trust with my dreams and my fears wont ever change, as they’ve been there to grow along with me.
oops. *there is something. :/
Oddly enough, I have a couple old friends, but we’re not close. One in particular has known me for 30 years, but as we’ve grown, we’ve drifted.. And like Nina told Marvin, “all we have are all these years.”
She doesn’t know who I am now, and as we’ve decided who we want to be, it’s just taking us in two different directions..
I like the friends I have now.. I feel like I can put all my crazy out there.. My ideas are formed, who I am is pretty much set.. and I don’t have to apologize for it because there are no preconceived notions of “who I was then.”
I do keep my circle of friend tight.. I find that I often need my solitude and I value quality over quantity..
It doesn’t matter if they’re new, it feels like we’ve known each other forever..
LOL – my “new” friend has been around for the past decade at this point. Newer folks tend to fall into the category of good acquaintances more than good friends. Something about that history…if I don’t trust you with my dirt and you don’t trust me with yours we’re not close. If we’ve never been in a situation where we possibly could have been arrested…we’re not close. I remember when I realized that my closest friends had been around for close to 20 years and I was like, “Damn, I’m gettin’ OLD!” But it’s cool. Nothing like reminiscing on the old vice principal to remind you that you have the capability to make lasting friendships.