So those of you who follow me on twitter might have seen my tweets about my shopping excursion last night. If you missed it, I tweeted that I was on my way to buy some adjustable weights to step up my workout life. Not to go too wildly off-track, but the thing about these weights is that they adjust from 5-25 lbs so if you are a girl like me, they're really all you need for whatever workout you might be doing.
So those of you who follow me on twitter might have seen my tweets about my shopping excursion last night. If you missed it, I tweeted that I was on my way to buy some adjustable weights to step up my workout life. Not to go too wildly off-track, but the thing about these weights is that they adjust from 5-25 lbs so if you are a girl like me, they’re really all you need for whatever workout you might be doing.
The other thing about these weights though is that, between the weights themselves, the plate they rest in, and the box they come in, the shits are heavy as…well as shit. And I had to buy two of them. And though I may be a workout junkie, carrying 50+ pounds of weight home is kind of a problem.
Through a complicated dance of carrying them one at a time from the checkout to the sidewalk, then carrying one while pushing the other with my foot to get them to the side of the road, hailing a cab and heaving them in one by one, I managed to get them home. Lugging them one at a time into the lobby of my building and then repeating the carry/push combo, I managed to get them up to my apartment.
Lord almighty buying those weights was a workout in and of itself.
The thing is though that I have no shortage of friends I could have asked to help me. As a matter of fact, one of my most favourite people lives all of 30-seconds from the store and probably would have been more than happy to run out and help me carry them into a cab. I thought hard about asking him to help me, but I refused to do it because to ask for help would be to admit that I needed help.
This is nothing new. At least once a week I’m in the grocery store with a case of water, a couple of loaves of bread, boxes of Crystal Light, and various other items balanced precariously in my arms. And as I stand in line waiting for my turn to rest my haul on the belt, from time to time someone will offer to hold the water for me, or let me rest it on their cart, or let me go ahead of them. And I always say no, with a hint of surprise in my voice, as if the idea that carrying all this shit would be difficult for me had never occurred to me. In reality I’m clenching every muscle in my body in a superhuman effort not to drop anything, but I’d be damned before I ever admit to needing help.
As a woman with many male friends, I hear many many stories about the things women will ask the men they date to help them with. Whether it’s a date for a wedding, a jump start, a picture hung in her apartment, or a stuck zipper that needs some force, women all over the place seem to have no qualms about asking a man they’re dating or fucking to help them with their needs. In fact there are a great number of women in the world who have no problem asking men they are no longer dating or fucking to help them. And while this boggles my mind and offends my overly independent sensibilities, I have to admit I’m not mad at these chicks. Because being a woman who needs help seems to go a long way toward having a man fall under your spell.
It seems that for every woman in the world who is asking a man for help with some shit she could do herself if she was just a little industrious, there is a man who is charmed by her need for help. Whenever I hear a story that starts with “So [Name Redacted] called me and asked me to go to her house and refill her cat’s water dish…”, I’m rolling my eyes in disgust at the pathetic and obvious ploy for attention while said man is continuing on to conclude that after he went to fill the water dish they went to dinner and then spent the night together and they’re going away together this weekend. While my weekends are spent watching Diners Drive-ins and Dives online and hoping that my e-boo will show up on gchat.
Clearly these damsels in distress are doing something right.
Because I am not a man, I’m going to refrain from speculating about what part of a man’s brain reacts positively to a woman in a helpless position. As much as I would like to, I’m not going to make any wisecracks about fragile egos that are boosted by being the knight in shining armour. Nor am I about to make any declarations about how men who find the need for help charming or appealing in women are either threatened by self-sufficient women or have nothing but sheer brawn to bring to the table. Even though I pretty much believe that to be true. Because while all of that may be true, it’s also possible that a woman asking her guy (or “her” guy as the case may be) for help is the concept of “let a man be a man” put into practice. Maybe there is a kind of honesty in saying “please help me”, a kind of bravery in being able to say “I cannot do this by myself” that is all too lacking in too many women (present company included) and is therefore refreshing and appealing to men when they encounter it. Maybe every now and then all of us strong and capable women who pride ourselves on not needing a man for anything would be better served by humbling ourselves and asking for a hand every now and then.
But what do you guys think? Ladies are you comfortable with asking a man for help? Do you find that men are more interested in you when you appear to be less capable than you actually are? Men – is there some kind of chemical reaction that takes place in your brain when a woman asks you for help? Speak on it in the comments.
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The “be independent/self-sufficient” thing has been forced into my psyche since adolescence so i have trouble asking for help from anyone- even my parents. I also come the school of thought that people are users/opportunistic so i dislike being or feeling like i’m indebted to others. I don’t think for me there is a gender-specific connotation to any of it though.
It feels good to help someone in “need.” Plus Mom and Pops raised me to be chivalrous so it sort of became second nature. More so when I got older and found while holding a door open I could get a good view of the ass. This is why chivalry will never die.
I think there is and will always be a double standard. The subject of this post is an example of the times women win in the scenario. Any man with common sence will know that what a woman may lack in muscle, she may trump him mentally( so we are both equal but different). Everyone needs a “team” someone who’s good with cars, someone who knows home maintenance, a good weed man. Every game chick should have all these guys in thier contacts. Waiting on one man to do all that sounds a lot like…. well a commitment. Vice versa for us men. Also as I have heard some men are completley clueless, so this is a good test for a woman to see if this guy is willing, or even ABLE to do simple (or technical) things for her.
Jack of all trades, master of none. Know your role.
I am in no way comfortable asking a man for help. I always seem to figure something out no matter how difficult the task. I’m one of three girls raised by a father who grew up building houses and farming. I’ve been doing “man’s work” my entire life. Asking a man for help drips with weakness. *shudders*
Great post. I personally was raised to believe that to ask any man but my own father for anything would lead him to expect “Things” of me so I learned to be very independent from an early age. From changing my own car tires, to hauling heavy objects from points A – D and back, I’ve done on my own. I must admit that it’s nice to have a man offer to help, but I do find it difficult to actually ask for it. While I have dispelled my upbringing’s reasoning for not asking for help, my own life experience has made relying on the aid of men difficult. This is not to say that there aren’t men that can be relied upon, it just hasn’t been my experience to date.
I’m not sure if men are more interested when women appear less capable, perhaps they could be since society pegs them as providers and by nature men have the desire to be needed. On the other hand, in recent years the independent woman has been idolized in several popular songs and seems to rest on the tips of the tongues of many men ||There might be a pun here||. Maybe women just have to learn when to play which role or find the happy medium.
My sisters told me in the card they gave me for my high school graduation: “the sign of a mature woman is knowing when to ask for help”. I believe the same applies in this case. The ability to admit your weakness is strength in itself. My Mom raised me to be the kind of woman who CAN do anything on her own, but CHOOSES to allow men to make her life easier. Help doesn’t make you weak.
Think…. the most powerful people in the world are powerful, rich, influential because of the people who help them. All women should understand that.
She called him just to change the water dish? Where do these type of guys live?!? Lol j/k
I understand Max, I’m independent as well but I have learned that sometimes you just need help. You can’t and shouldn’t do everything yourself. Now I’m not saying call a guy up just so you can get a free dinner just when you need it.
“A friend in need, is a friend indeed”. Ye old maxim.
When a friend (defined as someone I genuinely love and care about who reciprocates the feeling) asks me for help, it feels good to come through for them – on requests big or small. Male or female.
I assume you’re asking becasue you genuinely need help – that’s the only way the “ask” would even dare to cross my lips.
On the other hand, asking an acquaintance or somone who BARELY qualifies as a friend (especially a dude) for favours or help would never cross my mind for all of thr reasons mentioned above (i.e. expectations, opportunism, indebtedness, etc).
If I’m wondering about your motives post-ask – I doubt you’re really my friend anyway…
Eh, the same woman who fights just so you can let him win.
Such an awesome post… seriously Max great job.
Irrespective of gender, I think people who ask for help are more normal than people who don’t. I think asking for help is natural. Those of us who don’t ask for help are weird. We have something inside of us that’s caused this particular aversion to asking others for assistance. Now, because I think people who don’t ask for help are more weird than people who do, I’m sure, somewhere in the unconscious minds of normal, help-wanting people, the fact that some of us don’t ask for help throws up some sort of red flag.
So like, if you’re struggling with 8 bags of groceries and a handsome, unicorn of a man who happens to have no ulterior motives walks over and asks if you need help, and you look shocked and say “oh, no, I’m fine thanks.” In his mind it’s like… this b*tch is clearly crazy. I’m sure it makes normal people wonder just how deep your over reliance on your own abilities extends.
All that to say, I totally feel you Max. I’m not really one to ask for help on anything.
there is no doubt that some men relish in being the saviour. and i don’t think there’s really anything wrong with letting them be sometimes. whether it’s asking them to reach something or even asking them to educate me about something i don’t know (ie: my recent lesson in heavy metal), there’s nothing wrong with letting the man be the man.
while its very hard for me to ask for help or a favour of people, i do it and am probably better for it. i was raised believing that i could do everything for myself. and for the most part, i can. but sometimes i can’t or it’s not a bad thing if i don’t. even if it’s something i can do, if a man offers to do it, just let him. like, my gym bag is heavy but it’s mine and i can carry it. but if a dude offers to take it for me, in an effort to be a gentleman, i’ll let him. it lets him feel like the man, and it means i don’t have to carry my heavy ass gym bag. win-win.
but let’s also not be naive and think that the woman asking her dude to fill her cat’s water bowl is really asking him to fill the water bowl. that example, to me, is an excuse or a roundabout way of saying, i want to see you. she knows it and he knows it.
“Ladies are you comfortable with asking a man for help?”
Absolutely!!! Men like to feel needed and I think it gives them great pleasure in knowing they are able to come to our aide/rescue whether it be a Hubby/Boyfriend/Male Friend. Hell even a Stranger — I have no problem accepting and/or asking for help from a man.
#TeamDinD Right Here…
No more needs to be said. I co-sign here…
I know I can do whatever said challenge may be on my own by struggling through it… momma ain’t raise no fool though. I don’t have to prove a thing to anybody. If he’s willing to help, I’m willing to ask/let him.
Joining up w/ #TeamDinD
“I know I can do whatever said challenge may be on my own by struggling through it… momma ain’t raise no fool though”
Word!!…..
lol
I so feel you on this. I have a hard time asking for help. I remember when I asked my ex to come and help me hang blinds in my house (wooden ones) and of course he assumed we had to do all 15 of them. Well I only have 3 big windows and I’d done the other 12 (i mean they were small I can read directions) He was beside himself LOL. Needless to say that relationship taught me how to lean a little. He was the door opener, you walk on the inside, walked me to the door type of guy. So although I am very independent I learned that asking for help reduces STRESS! LOL I don’t get so overwhelmed and most of my male friends are so willing to help. I was amazed. But I also know they know I don’t take them for granted. Men need to feel needed no?
I think that asking for help is healthy in a lot of ways! I realized that anything to do with my car will require a consultation with someone, usually my father, but there needs to be another man that can help me with that.
Someone just told me that it is ok to be independent, which I already am, but that independence doesn’t have to be worn on my sleeve. Don’t be completely helpless but there are things that a man can help you with.
I think that is why its called a partnership, men can provide more than just sex and a body in the seat next to you!!!
If my husband isn’t around (or he refuses to help for whatever reason) I’ll take matters into my own hands but if I’m offered help I’ll take it. I like helping others and I’m sure others like to help. A lot of times I’ll just try to avoid even appearing that I even need help though. Like, in your situation, I’d have just made two separate trips to the store.
See accepting help when it’s offered is different….sometimes I can do that. But asking for it out of the blue? Nope!
I have no problem asking a man for help and I dont feel it negates my independence. As long as we are good on the give AND take it shouldnt matter.
I’ll ask for help in a heartbeat, I’m a southern girl at heart. When I’m at work and there’s something heavy I just stand in front of it pouting until a man comes along and helps me, usually I don’t even have to ask. Don’t hate me, Max! I just have an aversion to grunting and sweating at work what can I say. Grunting and sweating belongs at home, lol. But seriously, I just see myself as working within a network. I feel comfy asking for help because I’m always willing to lend a hand. My dude can surely cook for himself, but I’m a better cook so I usually cook for him. I’ll edit someone’s stuff at my job. Little favors grease the wheels of my working and personal relationships. I know how to change my own tires (and have, at 3am in the rain in stillettos) but I won’t if I don’t have to. Perhaps I’m just a little lazy, lol.
I was just having this conversation last week w/ a male friend. I do have trouble asking for help and accepting it when offered. My landlord gets pissed at me for telling him “I got it” and I obviously could used help carrying my purse, laundry and groceries in the house.
I’m working on it though… *shrugs*
I have a problem asking for help.. I always figured things out on my own. Always used my creative resources to get things done. It’s a pride thing, I don’t want to give anyone ammunition to throw back in my face.. Funny thing is, I will bend over backwards for friends.. I will push my time, whatever I’m going through to the side to help someone that needs it.. So much so that anyone knows that if I ask for help, it’s a SERIOUS problem..
After some thought, (and a million people screaming it to me) I realize that the same joy I get from “being there for someone in need” is what other people get by helping me when I need it… So I’m gonna try.. But I still got a way to go..
I think that I was more like you before I gave birth to the male species…TWICE. Now that I am immersed in a house full of men, I can honestly say that I play the damsel in distress any and every time it crosses my mind. Here’s an example. (Red’s standing in the kitchen stacking the diswasher and the light over the kitchen sink blows). Me: Damn, I hate it when this light blows because it’s such a pain in the ass to take the entire cover off and then screw the little pieces back in to replace the bulb. Hubby: “Well, how hard is it to change a lightbulb?” (unceremoniously dumps dirty plate in the sink and walks away).
Me: (totally pissed but now has secretly refused to ever change that particular bulb again in her black life). “Sweetie, you know I would change that bulb but you know I’m afraid of heights and the little screw things…I can NEVER seem to get them aligned properly”.
Hubby: “Aiight, I’ll do it in a bit”.
Me: “smirk”.
The End.
I hate asking for help, but I am quick to offer my help to anyone who may need it. And though I may not ask for help, I have learned to accept help when it is offered. For instance, a while back, I cam out of my apartment and saw that I had a flat. Instead of calling AAA, and waiting for them to arrive, I decided to change it myself. I konw how to change a flat, so no big deal. I had the car off the ground when a neighbor saw me, and offered to change it for me. This is after 2 men had already walked by, and I didn’t even think about asking them to help me. I was on my “I am WOMAN, hear me roar” ish. lol. But, I did accept the help when it was offered. My pride was still intact, and all was well with the world.
good post, Max!
Good post Max. I only have one question, though. Do they not have shopping carts up there in Canada or something? lol. Am I the only one that read this post thinking, “Why is she balancing everything in her arms…just put it in a cart”. *shrugs* lol. Sorry…totally random comment.
LMAO @ Larry.
Yes. we have shopping carts, but I/we dont want Max looking like a homeless person carting stuff from the store to her house!
i too am a do it yourself type of girl, Max. i remember one night after moving into (one of my many) new apartments, a guy friend of mine was asleep in my room and i was restless. i got up, and moved/arranged ALL the living room furniture–which including moving an entire couch and heavy ass coffee table by myself in the dark. i got it all done and it allowed me to finally rest in peace. and i felt a sense of accomplishment. when my guy friend awoke the next morning, he was amazed at what id done. i felt good about that.
i say all that shit to say: i sometimes dont want help. not because i dont know how to ask for it but because sometimes i just want things done the way i want and when i want. there are certainly routine things i do all the time on my own (putting furniture together, washing my car, moving cases of water from my car to the house) that i like a man to do IF he’s around, simply because he can and will.
i will say though that nothing pisses me off more than a man who refuses or complains about helping me. i hate it.
“because sometimes i just want things done the way i want and when i want.”
This right here Gem. This right here!
I purposely avoided this when writing the post because it opens up a whole other discussion about control and whatnot, but this is my thing.
I can and have asked for help, but the thing is that the help is subject to the schedule of the person helping you – it has to be convenient for them. That annoys me; if I want my new book-case put together at midnight on a Sunday, I don’t want to wait until Monday morning.
And I’m sorry to say this but when it comes to men, oftentimes we are also subject to their opinion on how whatever they’re helping you do should be done.
Sometimes (well, all the time) I don’t want to fucking hear it. I don’t care if it makes sense, just do it the way I want it. And I want it done now.
asking.for.help.
what is this foreign concept you speaketh of?
i think like many, being raised by a single parent, you learn (by visuals) to get stuff done. and i used to pride myself on the never asking for help thing.
until i had a moment of disaster (that had be brewing for years), that showed me that if i had just asked for help when i needed it, it all could have been avoided.
while i would never call a dude to put together my shelves, if he were MY dude, that would be a different story.
i have to be able to delegate and know my strengths. you cannot do everything – so i’ve learned to pick my battles and ask for help when needed. or at least im getting better at it.
See even when it’s my dude I still kinda don’t want to ask. Actually the truth is I’m even less inclined to ask my dude because personally I think it’s pretty great that I don’t need help getting shit done and I want him to be impressed by it. In my ideal world Mr. Max would not come running home to me just because of my yankin’ you-know-what, but because of my amazing capabilities.
And yes I know men don’t give a good goddamn about a woman’s capabilities.