One of the best things for me about being single is having no shortage of mantertainment. Although I've gone through droughts in the past, at this point in my life I pretty much have a man I can hit up to scratch every kind of itch I might have. Whether I'm looking for a movie date, some smut, or someone to flirt shamelessly with, I have a specific man who serves each purpose flawlessly and some who are exceptionally gifted at multi-tasking.
Each of these men is dear to me in his own special way, but the beautiful thing about all of them is that they pretty much lift right out. The nature of mantertainment guys is that they drift in and drift out of life seamlessly and it’s okay if they disappear because, as my mum says, there’s always some other dummy around to fill in the gap. I’m not attached to these dudes so I don’t really spend much time thinking about them.
But it’s a completely different story when I actually like a man. Even though I’m a G with a heart of stone, when a man gets under my skin it’s a whole different ballgame. Don’t tell nobody, but when I like someone I turn into a giggly silly little girl. I fixate on this man so hard you’d think he was paying my bills and the idiocy does not stop there.
Prepare my EPK
When I like someone, pretty much the first and most important thing I’m gonna do is to e-stalk (no strikethrough) him on my reconnaissance mission. I need to gather as much information as I possibly can in order to dazzle and befuddle him. I mean really how am I supposed to bump into him accidentally on purpose if I’m not creeping his twitter timeline to find out where he’s going to be on Friday night? And of course, being the egomaniac I am, I assume that he’s doing the same thing to me. So I make sure that my twitter avi is suitably seductive. I scroll through my Facebook profile pictures and try to imagine what someone looking at them for the first time might think. Oh and random-ass status update on LiveProfile? That must be deleted immediately lest the object of my desire see it and get the wrong idea. Gotta make sure I put my best e-foot forward!
We’re ready for our close-up
A love affair is nothing without a good story. And when I like someone, I spend a lot of time daydreaming about how exactly we are going to fall in love. Will we bump into each other randomly in the street (because I followed the advice in this post) and decide to go for coffee, which turns into dinner, which leads to a walk at the harbourfront, which leads to epic first-date sex that he doesn’t hold against me because our connection is so deep? Or will a mutual friend set us up on a blind date not realizing we already know each other and the coincidence is just so compelling that we need no other evidence to convince us that we were meant to be? Whatever the story is, I practice telling it so that when we end up on A Wedding Story I’m prepared.
The soundtrack of our lives
Now I scoffed at those girls who said that they made a mixtape for their first time slide with a new man, but the truth is that when I’m smitten, I make a playlist. Using the results of the inevitable reconnaisance mission I undertake when I first like someone, I construct the perfect list of songs to make him realize that I am the one for him. It is usually a mix of songs that I know he likes, songs that I know he’ll be impressed to learn that I like, and songs he probably never would have expected me to like. I also make sure that the ringtone on my phone is a great song so that – should my phone ever ring in his presence – he’ll be like “damn. Max is so cool and interesting and she’s technologically savvy enough to turn Top 10 List into a ringtone? I need this woman by my side forever”.
First I’d write his name then carve a plus
Bachelor for life though I may be, when I like someone I spend more time than I care to tell you guys doodling my first name with his last; imagining every possible scenario. Should I hyphenate? Oh no that won’t work because my maiden name is an adjective. Maybe instead of hypenating, I’ll just tack his last name onto the end of mine and be one of those people who has two last names for no apparent reason. But do I need a middle initial? And on and on and on until I get tired of that and move on to drafting our wedding invitation. Do we request the pleasure of your company or the honour of your presence? Hmmm let’s see – it’s July 2011 right now so we should be getting married…what? Around October 2013? Oh but October is too close to my birthday. Oh! How about New Year’s Eve? I’ve always wanted to be married on new years….
Max + him = True luv 4eva
If I like a man I of course want to know what the future holds for us. The first thing I do is hit up the Mystical Smoking Head of Bob to ask him if ___ is the one for me. If I don’t like the answer the next stop is an online tarot card reading to tell me what obstacles are standing in the way of our true love. But in my heart I’m an old-school kind of girl so my future cannot be accurately predicted without jotting our names on a piece of paper and playing MASH, FLAME, and True Love;. And since I’m also a lunatic, I also take the scores from each, assign them a numerical value, average them and use that result to determine whether we’ll end up M, if we’ll live in a shack or an apartment, and how many children we’re going to have.
I’m actually more than a little mortified to admit to this ridiculous behaviour, so I’m going to stop there. But tell me – do you guys do this kind of random shit when you like someone? What other dumb stuff do you do? It’s not Friday, but overshare a little bit in the comments so I don’t feel like the only weirdo.