There is no worse moment in your relationship than the moment at which you look up at your partner and think to yourself “I don’t love you anymore”. There you are, in the thick of it, having built a life and habits together, a rhythm and a routine and suddenly it hits you that you just don’t feel what you’re supposed to feel, what you used to feel, what he feels.
The first four or ten or twenty times this thought appears, you push it away. You stuff it to the way back of your mind, bury it underneath mountains of thoughts about your circle of friends, your shared bank accounts, the vacation you’ve planned together six months from now. You imagine the process of disentangling from one another and you’re so weary that you just stop. You press forward. You remind yourself of the good times, make lists of the positive qualities. You remember what life was like when you were single and before she came around, remind yourself how much you don’t want to be out there alone again and you push forward. Until the day comes when the thought just won’t go away.
I don’t love you anymore makes it a chore to walk in the front door at the end of the work day. Makes my laughter at your jokes false, makes my face hurt from fake-smiling at you. I don’t love you anymore so I’ve run out of patience with your idiosyncrasies. I don’t love you anymore so I’m not going to pick your wet towel up from the bathroom floor, I’m going to kick it out of my way and curse you for thinking I’m your fucking maid.
I don’t love you anymore so I don’t want to hear stories about your asshole boss, your work frenemy who complimented your blouse but you could just tell by the way she said it that she didn’t really mean it. I don’t love you anymore so I don’t give a shit about your problems. I’m starting to hate the sound of your voice. I don’t love you anymore so I forget about you. I don’t love you anymore so I have to put alerts in my calendar to remind me to call and see how your day is going. But I don’t love you anymore so five minutes after we get off the phone I can’t remember what you said.
I don’t love you anymore but I care about you. I don’t want to hurt you or crush your plans. I don’t want you to think it’s your fault that I don’t love you, I just….don’t love you. Can’t breathe around you. No longer like the way you make me feel. I don’t love you anymore but I don’t want to leave you. But I don’t love you anymore so I can’t stay.
And that’s all I have to say about that. Any of you guys been there?