The homey Malik recently schooled me on a phenomenon that traumatized the shit out of me: the cuddle buddy. Apparently there are men and women in the world who get together in a bedroom, lie down next to each other, put their arms around each other, and don’t fuck.
What the fuck?
This might be way #5,3485 that I am not like a normal girl, but this has got to be about the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life.
In my world, cuddling is not an intention, it’s a result. It’s just what you
have to do after sex or before sleep if you’re cold. Or to delude a girl into thinking you actually care about her and are not just in it to beat because you’re too tired to move away and regain your personal space. You don’t do it while you’re watching tv or reading or playing video games or talking on the phone. You do it because the person is right fucking there and your defenses are down.
I thought everyone thought like this but boy was I fucking wrong.
After a little research, I discovered some disturbing things. For some people, cuddling is great. Some people love to have their bodies all pressed up against another, arms bent at awkward angles, trying unsuccessfully to turn the pages of their book with one hand or hear the television over the sound of someone’s breathing in their ear. For some people this is the greatest shit ever. Some people even consider sex to be the “necessary evil” they have to “endure” in order to get to the “good” part – the cuddling.
Yeah someone actually said this to me.
As will all the informal research I do, the vast majority of respondents were women. Makes sense to me that women – lovely but irrational creatures that they are – would be looking at cuddling the completely wrong way. So I took it to the men to get their take on it. I asked a few of the manliest men I knew about cuddling and you know what these motherfuckers said? They said they love cuddling.
The world has gone mad I tell you.
Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t like being close to someone I care about after they’ve put something fierce on me. I’ll admit that I have breathed that deep sigh of contentment upon resting my head on a man’s chest, closing my eyes, and inhaling his scent. I’m not completely heartless, I can admit that that is kinda nice. But you know what’s even better than that? Lying down behind a man and running my fingers over the planes of his beautiful back. Or propping myself up on my elbow and watching his face while he tells me an amazing anecdote about witnessing a moment in hip hop history. Or being just close enough to him to feel the heat of exertion radiating from his skin without actually touching him. That’s what I like.
But you know what all those things have in common? They cannot be done while cuddling.
To me cuddling is like sitting courtside at a basketball game. Yeah you’re happy and you feel lucky to be there. And yeah you can see everything in minute detail and you might even get hit in the face with a bead of sweat or two. But your perspective is off…you’ think you’re getting more than you actually are just because you’re physically close. But in reality you’re seeing each play of the game in extreme detail but you’re missing the context.
Okay I think I went too far with that analogy and it stopped being about cuddling and ended up being just about sitting courtside.
Either way, cuddling to me is like cunnilingus. We can do it if you want but I’m never gonna be mad at you for not doing it. The only time the presence or absence of cuddling is a concern to me is when I’m extrapolating something from it; if I’m not sure where I stand with the person and I use his desire or refusal to cuddle with me as a gauge of his feelings. But if I’m secure in where I’m at, I have no need to cuddle.
But clearly that’s just me.
So what say you guys? Do you love cuddling? Hate it? I’m not going to ask you if you have a cuddle buddy because if you say yes it will make me dislike you a little bit. But tell me your thoughts about cuddling in the comments.
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