He Never Says I’m Pretty

23
Jun
2011
beautiful

A few months ago a man told me I was very beautiful. And since he didn't say it during sex, I believe he meant it and I have to say it floored me.


 

Not because I don’t already know that – as previously discussed I am well aware – but because he actually came right out and said it.

I can count on one hand the number of times in my life a man I’ve been seriously involved with has called me beautiful or pretty. As a matter of fact – let me list them for you:

Boyfriend #1: Never. But he did occasionally call me cutie so I’m going to assume he at least thought I was cute
Boyfriend #2: Called me “sexy bad” on our first date. But it was right before he got first-date sex so it lost a little of its potency
The Spectacular Asshole: Called me “fairly pretty” once.

That’s it.

Actually, if you want to get technical about it there’s another quasi-boyfriend wedged in between #3 and Mr. SA who told me I was beautiful all the fucking time but he turned out to be a liar and an impostor so it’s been stricken from the record.

This is not to imply that I frolic with men who don’t find me attractive on some bizarre self-hatred tip. The men I dally with have their ways of letting me know they like to look at me; be it a gleam in his eye when I walk in a room or an insatiable desire to see pictures of me. But the men I date or dally with as a rule never call me pretty.

Whether this says something about the men I choose or about me for choosing them, I find it interesting that someone like me who is so enamoured of my own attractiveness consistently finds myself involved with men who refuse to acknowledge it. I find it interesting, and I also find it annoying as shit.

Ask almost any man if he thinks his girl is beautiful and he’ll probably say yes. Then ask that man if he ever tells his girl that he thinks she’s beautiful and he’ll probably say no. If you ask him why, he’ll tell you that beautiful women are complimented on their looks so often that they’re bored or unmoved by it so it’s a waste of his breath. Or he’ll say that he doesn’t want to be  a simp, doesn’t want to seem smarmy or clingy or sprung or any other those other words that describe a man that is too into his girl. Or he doesn’t want to put her on the defensive and make her think that he only values her looks.  And while all of those explanations make sense to me, I can’t help but wonder if there’s a more nefarious line of thought behind it.

Sometimes I think that when a man refuses to compliment his woman’s looks it’s just because he doesn’t want her to get too big for her britches. I’ve heard men say before that they don’t want to gas up a girl’s head by telling her she’s pretty and I think to myself “what a said little human being you are”. If you fear that acknowledging your girl’s obvious attractiveness will make her ego swell to the point that she’s out of control, then either you chose the wrong woman or you’re not man enough to handle her. Neither of those facts will change if you tell her she’s beautiful, so why can’t you just stop being a panty meat and pay your girl a compliment once in a while?

I guess in the grand scheme of things it shouldn’t much matter to us women whether our men compliment our looks. It’s safe to assume that our man wouldn’t walk the road with us if he didn’t like the way we look, so there’s no need to insist that he verbalize it, is there? And of course the most important thing is that we like what we see when we look in the mirror, right? So what if your boyfriend never says you’re pretty as long as he treats you well and respects you right?

I suppose that’s all true, but still I’m going to be honest and say it annoys the fuck out of me when a man I’m involved with never tells me I’m pretty. I start to see him as petty, withholding, or just plain mean. It’s not so deep that I would stop dealing with him because of it, but if I show up somewhere looking fucking amazing, and everyone in the world is telling me I look amazing but the person who gets to go home with me at the end of the night, I have a little hatred in my heart for that man, I really do.

But what do you guys think? Ladies do you care whether your man thinks you’re pretty? Whether he tells you you’re pretty? Men – I have a feeling that a great many of my male readers have a policy on commenting on a woman’s attractiveness and I want you to explain yourselves in the comments.

 



78 Comments

  • i don’t know maxie. most men i know don’t have a problem telling a woman she is beautiful, pretty, etc. (assuming she is).

    just today i told a woman that i currently have a thing with that she is beautiful inside and out. i only deal with pretty women and pretty women should be told their pretty. now if after that they develop a “big head” then a man can find ways to get around that. besides what’s the alternative? telling average women their attractive? naw b. i like to give credit where credit is due.

    if a woman complains about never being called beautiful/pretty by men then she should start re-evaluating her idea of how pretty she is.

    • Ms.F says:

      That’s really true. There are some women out there who act and expect to be treated like a 10, but they’re actually a 3. And I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder, bla bla, but if you’re pretty/hot/cute, people will let you know, and if you don’t receive as much compliments as you would like, well maybe, you’re just not pretty. And again, there’s nothing wrong with being not pretty.

      As cliche as this may sound, personality transcends all.

    • Slim Jackson says:

      “if a woman complains about never being called beautiful/pretty by men then she should start re-evaluating her idea of how pretty she is.”

      Pretty much.

      • max says:

        Why does this feel a little bit like #shotsfired?

        • no shots fired at all. i was speaking in generalities, not about you in particular.

        • Adonis says:

          Because it is homie… Get Over Yourself…. Lol

          • max says:

            Adonis did you just tell me to get over myself on my own blog?

            Please do not try my patience today. Please don’t.

            • Adonis says:

              She’s like “Uh, did that just happen…”, yes Max, yes it did…

              Ninjas like me wanna see you bring the heat, if you have any left right now…

              I also see that you haven’t made another video, since I AK-47ed your last one… Now, I am very disappointed in you for that accomplishment… The People Want More Videos

              GOY

            • Teflon Temptress says:

              Oooh, Max welcome to the Ethered By Adonis club! Girl he just e-killed me last week, that bamma is an internet Ninja Assasin! You didn’t know?!? DON’T SLEEP ON ADONIS!! He’s wavy, he’s gravy, he’s a real MAN’S MAN! He’ll crush you with his often nonsensical wordplay! Confuse you with riddles wrapped in mystery deep fried in enigma! Don’t sleep on him girl, don’t sleep! Don’t……

              zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*snort**roll over*zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    • OhMyGodNO says:

      HERE F$ckin HERE !!!

    • Teflon Temptress says:

      “if a woman complains about never being called beautiful/pretty by men then she should start re-evaluating her idea of how pretty she is.”

      There is a big difference between receiving compliments from guys who want to sleep with you and the man who is regularly sleeping with you. The guy who sees you nekkid everyday for x years starts taking it for granted. Can’t blame him, but there it is.

      • CHeeKZ Money says:

        FALSE! My Lavish Lactating Lover!

        The man who only wants to have sex with you is only complementing you b/c you look good enough to have sex tonight, on time. New P&ssy doesn’t have to look good, only has to be new. Your Husband’s compliments are based on looking good long term.

  • Adonis says:

    Women don’t reward me properly for giving out sincere compliments… So… I hold back… Now in the context of a relationship… I have nothing for you there….

    • Lady Ngo says:

      what exactly is a “proper reward” for a compliment?

      • Adonis says:

        Allow me to explain, the only way I know how…

        If most women (from NYC) truly enjoy masculine attention (from men they are not fucking yet), alot of them don’t act like it…

        But when I say “reward”, I mean incentive… Reason to want to tell you more great things about you…

        Now as a sidenote… Fuck compliments…

        Give me the lines that is going to get me some of your pussy… Please & Thank You

    • LaLaBakir says:

      Rewarded? For a compliment? If you genuinely mean what you’re saying, you shouldn’t need to be rewarded.

  • Malik says:

    Sorry, I’m probably a punk in this scenario because if I think you’re beautiful you’re going to get called it in damn near every single conversation all the time. I’ve had friends/acquaintances where I would sometimes plot out parts of my day just to find different ways to call them beautiful. I am a stringent admire of beauty in women. I still get caught staring at attractive women for days. Shit, there were times when I used to ask a certain one if she would let me right a paper detailing how perfect I thought her face was.

    • Malik says:

      I’d like to add an amendment that attractive girls with low self-esteem get increasingly less comments as time goes by until I deem them ugly. I don’t care to get into a 15 minute conversation that turns into a damn pep talk because you don’t think you’re attractive every time I pay you a compliment. I have no issue with people who try to keep it on the humble but don’t badger me for more and more making me pull out reference points and shit because you don’t like yourself.

    • krystllyght says:

      Wow! You wanted to write a paper about her beauty? *swoon*

  • kookie says:

    @ Adonis & Malik Ok here’s my thing how does a woman adequately “reward you” when a man compliments them? I suck at accepting compliments from anyone and I think it’s a misplaced sense of humility thing I have going on. I mean after someone says ” You are pretty”, “You are beautiful” or even “You are gorgeous” to me I find it awkward to just say “thanks” or “thank you” and keep it moving. Self deprecating humour must come in somewhere. Its always something like “Thanks, Ive been using a new facial soap”. Don’t get it twisted though, I have great self esteem, I know I’m cute lol, like I said its just after the compliment its like where to from now.

    • Malik says:

      I never said anything about rewards. Just say thank you or smile. No need to go into ‘No, I’m not’ mode.

    • Adonis says:

      The best way to reward a random man’s compliment is with some head… Please & Thank You

      • NicKnack says:

        Who is this Adonis character, you sound like my kind of friend and Im a female.. You truly crack me up.. I can hang with you all day..

        Good post by the way.. the guy I’m seeing now has yet to tell me I’m beautiful, NOT ONCE!! Can you believe that. And as many times as I’ve told him I love his smile, the scent on him. Me just wanting to cuddle up with you at random times just lets you know how I feel about you. Trust I’ve thought about why he’s yet to compliment me, it’s keeps us women wondering.. I try different things, new hair style, new outfit… same outcome! lol It doesn’t matter if we hear it a lot from strangers, it matters that we don’t hear it from the one we’re sleeping with, the one we want to hear it from. It matters boo, it matters!!! Im not sure it says anything about us by the men we choose, it shows a lot about the self esteem of these men. I love when other men stare at me while Im with my man tho.. lol

        • Adonis says:

          Trust me, I am a total bore… But to some I might be something more…. I just comment here cause I find Max very fuckable

          But I mainly comment over at singleblackmale.org…

          Enjoy Yourself… I hope everything is well

  • LuvinLyfe says:

    The guys I have dated as well as the one I’m currently with tell me all the time. I think it’s bc they say I seem to be unaware of my beauty. I mean, I know I’m pretty, but this is Atlanta, there are plenty of pretty chicks out here so that places me in the average bracket. But…somehow…my indifference about my looks in comparison to all the #heaux here seems to turn men on all the more. They think I’m unaware, but I’m not. I know how I look, and I also know that my ‘indifference’ is a quiet confidence that I use to lure the men I want to me… #Spartan

  • LaLaBakir says:

    Hmmm, now that you bring it up I can barely remember being called pretty any of my ex’s.

    “If you ask him why, he’ll tell you that beautiful women are complimented on their looks so often that they’re bored or unmoved by it so it’s a waste of his breath.”

    FALSE. There’s a BIG difference in being called “sexy” and “pretty” or “beautiful”. I may be called “sexy” and “fine” all day long, but “beautiful” holds a different connotation, especially if it’s from your significant other or someone you’re sweet on.

    • max says:

      See? Really pretty girls like you and me hardly ever get called pretty. It’s such a problem.

    • Cheekie says:

      I’ve gotten “beautiful” a couple of times but NONE of that measures to how many times I’ve been called “cute” or “sexy.” Like, those two are opposite ends of the spectrum (in terms of extreme-ness) yet I get called both. Hell, one dude was like “hey, sexy” WHILST walking hand-in-hand with his 3-year-old son. -________-

    • Starita34 says:

      LaLa, real talk, I’m SHOCKED that you aren’t told that you are gorgeous/beautiful/stunning on a daily basis. I can see you getting a lot of “sexy” but I would think you’d get an equal amount of beauty related compliments. Guess it could be an indicator of where those guys heads are at primarily.

  • krystllyght says:

    My husband is pretty good about saying it. He doesn’t say it everyday but he’ll throw it in there sometimes. If I fix myself up he makes sure to mention it. If by chance a significant amount of time goes by, I’ll just ask.
    Me: You still think I’m pretty?
    Him: Baby of course. You’re absolutely beautiful.
    I end the conversation with a smile and a kiss.

    This may make me sound bat sh*t crazy but after sacrificing my youth, er, I mean having two of his kids, I’m allowed to ask for reassurance.

    • Teflon Temptress says:

      Yeees! Sometimes I think my husband forgets to say it – like he’s just taking my looks for granted. I don’t hold myself out there as Tyra/Naomi beautiful but I’ve turned enough heads in my day to know that I look good enough for a compliment. And I’m not above asking for one.

  • funms says:

    I dislike it when a guy i’m involved with never says i’m pretty, an ex used to compliment me all the time and i think he meant it, and then there were some guys who only said it once or so, i used to get quite upset (well never let it show)

    There was a guy who always complimented others and never said a word to me….Jerk!
    I think it’s a good thing if guys told their women they are pretty, afterall we compliment them too sometimes

  • Humble_One says:

    I use to give compliments until I hit a period when I was meeting too many gassed women. If you tell me how dudes are always sweating you then I won’t compliment you. All that being said nowadays I don’t withhold compliments from women. If you can’t handle it thats on you. I won’t let the bad ones keep me from giving compliments to the women that deserve it. FYI: deserve = women that don’t think they’re gods gift to men

  • Slim Jackson says:

    If I’m with someone, I’m a lot more likely to compliment them on different parts of their personality than I am to compliment them on their looks. And if I am complimenting their looks, I use words that I’d use for foods like scrumptious, delectable, 5-star, tasty, etc. Makes it more personal and reflective of my personality rather than sounding like I’m trying to check off “tell her she’s pretty” from a to-do list.

    • krystllyght says:

      Delectable? I love the originality! When my husband calls me tasty or delicious that just drives me crazy. I love when he tries to get creative with it because that’s not a normal part of his personality. It breaks up the monotony and feels like it was said less obligatorily.

    • SmartFoxGirl says:

      I dunno why but I’m laughing at this. Tasty? lolol Delectable is fancy though. I think it’s cute you view your girlfriend as a snack, Slim. I’m resisting the urge to go there but yeah, it’s cute. :)

      Yousa freak.

  • Reecie says:

    I still remember the first time my first boyfriend told me I was beautiful. it was the first time anyone other than my parents said it so it always stuck and meant a lot to me. I have dated men that have complimented my looks, some more than others, and I think it too would annoy me to never hear it.

  • HLBB says:

    “The Spectacular Asshole: Called me “fairly pretty” once” – this right here is why he is called the SA…

    Knowing what you look like leads me to shake my effin’ head.

    It really does boil down to self-esteem. Knowing that I didn’t think myself beautiful, a boyfriend made it my nickname. It was the entry in his phone, the way he greeted me…the only time he ever used my name was to get my attention. Sadly, it didn’t resonate (but that’s my own issue)

    Guys: I’ve heard this from many many women, you’re not saying it to the women you’re with often enough. NOT sexy, hot, fine, blah blah blah…

    My personal theory as to why that horrible James Blunt song was so popular was because the chorus said “You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful.
    You’re beautiful, it’s true.”

    Say it. Just once. See what happens.

  • SmartFoxGirl says:

    This is a good post. I feel like men should take the time to let their women know how much they appreciate her, whether it be looks or otherwise. I notice men in general aren’t big on the verbal. I understand it. I just notice alot of women seem to feel unappreciated or are unsure how their mate/date views them. So yeah, I agree men should probably speak up more often.

    As far as being called pretty, I hear it alot but I feel like men are saying it to get me or s.ex me so in a way, it does lose its value when I hear it too much. I’ve been looking at my face for 30 years and I’m not awed by it so if a man wants to grab my attention, he’ll have to come with something diff than “pretty”. My favorite is “s.exy” or “smart”. As far as hearing it from my man, he said it alot. I assume all men think they’re woman is pretty. If a man doesn’t want to say it in fear of making her conceited than he’s lame. If you love her, you want her to be confident.

  • GirlSixx is ChloeRayne516 says:

    “So what if your boyfriend never says you’re pretty as long as he treats you well and respects you right?”

    That wouldn’t sit well with me at all because at some point a compliment is needed, not necessarily all the time but it’s nice to hear from time to time so as not to sound redundant and insincere on his part…

    I read somewhere that some guys like to pull that mess by NOT complimenting at all because they don’t want their girl getting an inflated ego, almost like messing with her self esteem, she already knows she the ish but he won’t ever tell her that and it fcuks with her head and keeps her humble. #JediMindTricks

    Max you crazy for this post today… *smhl*

  • muze says:

    this is funny. i find that simple dating yields far more compliments than being in a relationship. a comfort sets in and you are just supposed to “know.” not that they don’t say it ever, but it lessens and they begin to compliment other things you do or specific outfits or hairstyles. when they see another man admiring your beauty, then it amps up again. lol.

    men are funny.

  • Malik says:

    I’m curious if the women here pay their men compliments as well.

  • Lady says:

    all the men i’ve dated have complimented me on my looks. some more than others, though. i actually get called beautiful a lot. i hear beautiful and gorgeous most frequently. my boyfriend says it very frequently, but i hear it from strangers pretty often as well. i don’t know that i’m like this outrageously gorgeous person, but i do think i’m very pretty, and i’m in academia where even just a little goes a long way (lol). i also have unique and distinctive features and they tend to get me a lot of attention.

    if i were dating a guy and he never complimented me, i would wonder, but i would assume it just wasn’t his style, or maybe that he just didn’t find me beautiful. i was one of those late bloomers, so i’m not very invested in my looks… i spent most of my years growing developing my intellect, personality, and other aspects of myself… there are many other reasons a guy could be attracted to me than just for my looks.

  • Liguanea says:

    This is a funny topic. I feel as if telling a woman she’s beautiful has become the equivalent of telling girls you loved them back in high school. The reaction you get is amazing. That aside, men need to stop throwing these descriptive adjectives around so casually. The vast majority of women are not physically beautiful nor are they very pretty. In my opinion men say these things to gain access.

    Now, when a group of women say of a man that he is gorgeous or very handsome, you better believe that’s the truth. The reason that more credulity can be given to the female response is because they have absolutely nothing to gain from the man who is the subject of the compliment. Their compliment comes from a place of admiration, for the most part. A compliment is not going to make a man want to have sex with a woman. Conversely, sweet compliments from a man, coated in just the right amount of sincerity, can have an effect on a woman’s decision making. Where I come from they call it lyrics. I’ve witnessed male 6s take down female 9s.

    In regards to the need to be told you’re beautiful, I find that some women can’t just be content with being the best overall woman for her man. They want him to tell her she’s beautiful or she’s a 10, when she’s not. I mean, if Beyonce is a 10, how can you be an 8 or a 9? What’s wrong with being a solid 6 or 7? Isn’t the fact that he tells you that he loves you enough? You’re no longer in competition with other women. At that point the Beyonces of the world aren’t comparable to you. Once someone loves you their vision is impaired.

    And to clarify one thing, the word sexy has nothing to do with what you look like physically. Sorry for the long talking.

    • OSHH says:

      Honey if you know and love yourself first of all,( flaws, shortcomings alla dat), and then basically how you’ve been viewed most of your life, then surely you can tell difference between a sincere compliment, and someone trying to sice(rhymes with ice) or gas you.
      TOO many compliments sends off a red flag to those with some sense, and/or mofos tryna be extra smooth with it, as opposed to authentic.

      Sweet Tongues

      “Lil girls
      it’s suffice to say
      never stop along your way
      never trust a stranger friend
      for no one knows, how it will end
      as you are pretty, so be wise
      wolves may lurk in every guise
      now, as then, tis simple truth
      The sweetest tongue has the sharpest tooth.”

      From The Company of Wolves

      • Liguanea says:

        There a men and women in this world who have mastered the art of dropping a compliment. It is a skill not to be abused or taken lightly. I have observed people construct whole conversations with the sole purpose of dropping one understated compliment. Just one is all it takes.

        • OSHH says:

          Yes and there also men and women who peep game and who are Jedi themselves, so the mind tricks don’t work on them. They may even play along for sh*ts and giggles fully aware of whomever’s baited intent and then mosey on off graciously.

    • OSHH says:

      However ITA with sex appeal being different from beauty/handsomeness..and some folk have one, or the other, while some others may have both, or none for that matter LOL..

    • max says:

      Ah jeez see all of this discussion is what I’m talking about. If your girl wants to hear that she’s pretty why not just tell her she’s pretty? What’s the harm in that?

      • Liguanea says:

        The harm lies in when we’re no longer together and she believes the lie I’ve told her. Its the same as when women lie to men about their sexual performance. If he really thinks you’re pretty he should tell you. If the reason he wanted to be with you had nothing to do with your facial features, why lie? Has any woman here ever told a man she knew to be decent or average looking that he was gorgeous, very handsome, fine, etc.?

    • West Indies T says:

      I have a male friend that lives in Jamaica that thinks just like you…such a small world. Smh…wowee!!

  • Teflon Temptress says:

    I agree with Muze – I got more compliments when I was single and dating than I do as a married chica. But I know the game well enough to understand that most of those compliments came with strings attached. Men would rather show than tell. My man’s actions prove to me that not only does he consider me beautiful, he values who I am…inside and out. Instead of saying “you’re pretty” he’ll veto make-up with an off-hand “you don’t need it.” I’ll take the man who pays the mortgage over the man who pays me compliments any day, all day and twice on Sunday.

    Speaking of compliments, what really burns my toast is that he doesn’t compliment my cooking. I know he likes it because he inhales plate after plate, but the most I get from him is a thumbs up while he’s chewing. Cooking is more work than trying to look good, and I want more of a reward dangit. grrrrr.

  • Hi….It’s strange what we think is beautiful and what our partners think is beautiful. I’ve been in total b*tch-mode ready to tear thru my apartment like Tsunami and I’ll get, “I love your hair like that”..me: “but its all naptastic and ish” him: “well i love when its like that”…
    Or they’ll half compliment you at the most awkward times..like “you know you’re gorge”….wtf is gorge?? Apparently ladies this means gorgeous lol
    I love giving compliments so it’s def nice to receive them. If you don’t dish them out to your partner on the reg then I feel as if you have no right to complain about not receiving them..lead by example..positive reinforcement all that fun stuff…good post!!

  • MeteorMan says:

    I don’t know of these “men” you’re referring to (blame Canada?) but there is nothing simptastic about paying your girlfriend a compliment. The reasoning about a woman being “gassed” is weak at best. We’re talking about our significant others, not a random chick at the bus stop. You know what… Next time I’m face to face with this lady I’m seeing, I’m going to tell her she’s beautiful, she’s not even my lady like that. Good post Max. Thanks for the reminder.

  • Chan says:

    I have been luck to have men in my life who have used the word “beautiful” and I know they have meant it. Being called “beautiful” is one of those things that just makes you feel great on the inside and gives you just a little more pep in you step.

  • SharRon says:

    maybe he’s not calling you pretty because your just not pretty to him

  • AlexandreaStar says:

    My bf never says I’m pretty or sexy or beautiful. And he never has. Nothing. But I’ve been told it time and time again by many different people. I just don’t think he’s attracted to me :p


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