Random Reasons I Judge a Man

22
Jun
2011
judge-comics

When it comes to the men I dally with I’m not one for must-have lists. I have no income or height requirements, no minimum education level to qualify. Being shorter than I is not grounds for disqualification, and while I prefer that you not be slimmer than I am, for the right man I’m willing [...]


When it comes to the men I dally with I’m not one for must-have lists. I have no income or height requirements, no minimum education level to qualify. Being shorter than I is not grounds for disqualification, and while I prefer that you not be slimmer than I am, for the right man I’m willing to overlook it. In short, I try to evaluate men on a case-by-case basis. Unless they’re white. In which case I don’t evaluate them at all. But that’s another post for another day. And another blog.

Although I try my best not to prematurely eliminate a potentially viable candidate, I have to admit that there are certain seemingly-random qualities that will cause me to raise an eyebrow when I encounter them in a man. They’re not grounds for disqualification in and of themselves; but they do drag down the overall average. You’re probably thinking this is wrong and unfair, but read my list first before you judge (see what I did there?).

1. Girlie drinks

I’m not a drinker anymore, but in my day I used to knock back Jack & Cokes like Crystal Light on a hot summer day. I’ve never been one for coolers and fruity concoctions; I like my liquor like I like everything else – sans accoutrement. And maybe the fact that I don’t drink should disqualify me from judging another’s drink choices, but guess what? If I see a man drinking a Mike’s Hard it makes me think that his stones have not descended all the way. Sipping anything other than beer from a bottle is unmanly. And do not let me catch you drinking a Cosmo. That is just – suspect.  As far as I’m concerned, the only pink thing a man should be putting his mouth on is my….well you know.

2. Watches the wrong reality tv

This one hurts me because some of my most favourite men in the world watch shows that make me weep for all humanity. The first time I saw Most tweeting about Jersey Shore I was so traumatized I had to evacuate Twitter. And when my most favourite person ever mentioned in the comments that he watches The Hills I took to my bed in utter disappointment and bewilderment. Luckily for these guys they are so dope that they can afford to fall down a notch or two for watching drivel. But the average man who watches Cops loses several points in my book. Actually let me be real – Cops is a dealbreaker. But you guys know what I’m saying.

5. His car

I have always said that you can tell a lot about a man by the car he drives. And while I’ve never been able to actually articulate what it is you can tell, I definitely draw conclusions about a man based on whether he drives a 3-series BMW he’s a douche, a Lexus sedan he has good taste, a Nissan Altima he lacks imagination or a jalopy he is sensible and has a huge penis. I will also judge a man who is unable to perform minor maintenance on his car, properly purchase an automobile without getting swindled, or come to at least a general conclusion of what is wrong with his car when it breaks down.

4. Pets

You own a cat, you’re suspect.

And of course honourable mention goes to shoes because you guys already know I judge the shit out of a man based on his shoes.

What about you guys? What random and meaningless things do you judge potential suitors for? You guys have been awfully quiet lately so please speak up in the comments.

 


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44 Comments

  • Malik says:

    I have a metro card, but I like in NYC fuck do I need a car for? I judge women based on their hair. I don’t do it in absolutes, because obviously not every women with locks is at least intellectually curious, and not all black women with dyed blonde hair are hoes. But I err on the side of caution.

  • Ericka says:

    The phone: if I am exchanging numbers with a guy and he pulls out his phone and it FLIPS open….ehhh he may hear a sigh of disappointment. I begin to question…why? Why do you have a flip phone? Is it prepaid? Are you on a family plan? Did you drop your real one in the toilet?

    • GirlSixx is ChloeRayne516 says:

      Same here!!!

      Unless you rockin the new blackberry flip phone… otherwise I just can’t because I love to text and I refuse to wait 5 minutes to get a reply of “yes” because you still on that abc def ghi type keystrokes.

      lol

  • Leecie says:

    His SHOES! Clean shoes are a must and speak volumes to how you care for yourself. I was told by an older lady, never trust a man that wears red shoes O_o lol

    I would also say your living space. If you are a grown man still living like a 19 year old college student, all signs say steer clear! No beanbag chains and random furniture from garage sales and family. How you live gives an indication to your character and the type of person you are.

    • Corey says:

      As a man who doesn’t wear skinny jeans or pastels, I have to disagree with your second one. Most real dudes don’t dabble in high fashion and interior design. That’s what our women folk are for. My bathroom scheme is simple. It consists of the clear/opaque curtain and a bathmat…that’s it.

      • Leecie says:

        lol Do you have furniture? I’ve dated someone whose living room consisted of two chairs, video games stacked on the floor, and random pairs of shoes and he’s 25+. I don’t mean have a Martha Stewart sense of style, but if you can’t pick out a few nice things, then have someone else do it. Get me? :-)

  • $l!Cc@s$l!mE says:

    I judge a woman based on if she text me and constantly interchanges the word “want” for “wont” or “know” instead of “no”. Also if they have huge hoop earrings and braclets and not a real diamond or anything real gold (or even tastefull) to be seen. I also downgrade women that say “I usually don’t do this…” side note: the last one may still get it, but will probably get a wrong number also if it even comes up.

    • Renè says:

      I can relate to this. Unnecessary abbreviations, lose for loose, salon for saloon, I’m for am. Etc

      • NicKnack says:

        Urrrghh I hate meeting a potential prospect and the first thing they do is text, secondly they have bad spelling when they text. I absolutely hate bad spellers!!! I hate the abbreviations while texting, I understand its text language but oh my!.. I hate texting someone and having no clue what they’re trying to say, can you speak in full sentences please.. This is why texts can be misconstrued and have double meaning. Get it together people!!

  • Khemet Love says:

    Ditto on the phone thing. If it’s not a Blackberry or an Iphone I’m not fucking with u. Now the way things are maybe an Android phone, but a flip phone? Ha! I take to new phones slowly so if u still have a Razr there’s no way u can beat up this pum pum.

  • krystllyght says:

    Hmmm… I haven’t dated in ages but I do think guys who keep up their hair are attractive. I’m finding that I like dreds or caesars. I’ll judge a guy based on his clothes and how he wears them. I absolutely abhor the super sagging. I look over and think there is just a thin piece of underwear fabric between me and some guy’s butthole. That’s just not right in the produce section at walmart.

  • LaLaBakir says:

    Funny!

    Hmmm…let’s see:

    Jeans: Ill fitting jeans are just a no-no, as well as the color of the denim. If his jeans look like the dude version of mom jeans, I pity him.

    Sneakers: If you’re sneakers are corny, you are corny. My friend’s husband had on some damn U.S. Polo Association sneakers…and guess what? He’s corny! He did step his game up to some Lacoste joints. But they had a velcro strap, so my friend roasted his ass anyways.

    Driving skills: I can’t stand a man who is not confident behind the wheel! I mean, isn’t driving somewhere in male DNA? Get it together! *turns up nose*

    • keisha brown says:

      Driving skills: I can’t stand a man who is not confident behind the wheel! I mean, isn’t driving somewhere in male DNA? Get it together! *turns up nose*

      LMAO. YES!

  • Therese says:

    Amen on the texting! Grrrr that’s the only new thing about technology I can’t get with. I know it’s texting but I’m still gonna need real words and/or real conversation.

    Can’t say I have very many things where I judge a man downwards (agree with what’s been said already though). But I do have one way I judge a man up and that’s by his clothes! Nice suit, yeah yeah that’s great, but if you can pull together a nice, looks like you actually thought about your clothes for more than 5 minutes outfit on just a regular ol’ Sunday for brunch, I’m done for lol. I want you to look like you getting ready to take a pic for a fashion blog! Lol

  • Totally and completely agree with #4.

  • Sam Sharpe says:

    Wait a sec. You say you like your drinks like you like everything else ‘sans accoutrement’ but isn’t coke an ‘accoutrement’ for Jack?

    Anyway, cool list. Definitely take a double take when I hear about a single dude who owns a cat.

    As for me, I judge a woman’s hands. If it looks like she spends her free time cutting cane, chopping wood, chopping coconuts or laying bricks I’m liable to deduct points. Again, not a deal breaker but a potential stumbling block.

    Oh and if she laughs like a hyena. I love to make a woman laugh and if her laugh is liable to dead a room and cause people to stare I may have to reconsider.

    • GirlSixx is ChloeRayne516 says:

      I’m dead at your cutting cane comment.

      CTHU!!!

    • max says:

      You’re right about the Coke being an accoutrement for Jack. I thought about it later and realized I contradicted myself. But hey – that’s what women do, right?

      And you’ve given yet another reason why we could never be – the laugh. If I’m laughing really hard I will either snort like a wild boar or wheeze like an asthmatic. Both of which will likely cause people to stare.

      I have great hands though.

      • Sam Sharpe says:

        I’ve heard you laugh max and I don’t remember it making me cringe so I’m going to assume it wasn’t as bad as you say it is…or maybe I was too busy imagining what you could do with those pretty hands.

  • keisha brown says:

    not sure if these are random or not..

    fingernails: long/dirty = run far. far. away. shrek.
    how you type: constant spelling/gramatical errors, use of slang/abbreviations = no panties. it’s especially worse if you are a grown. ass. dude.
    how you communicate: only by txt? NEXT!

    that’s all i gots for now.

  • GirlSixx is ChloeRayne516 says:

    A man’s shoegame IS A MUST!!! especially his kicks, because at a certain stage in life they shouldn’t be your main staple of footwear anyway, but if you must throw some on for whatever reason they have to be CRISP AND CLEAN and IN EXCELLENT CONDITION, I don’t want to see worn soles or the tongue so old and cracked it no longer lays right, dirty laces, etc.

  • Adonis says:

    I repeat, I hate superficial women (I don’t know how they make it in society, but they do…)

    I expect men to think for themselves & be sensible… If your pants are sagging or you have bad body language, no bueno…

    As for women… I check for overall demeanor… and mainly how she gets along with others… BIG…

    Everything else is window dressing

    • krystllyght says:

      I agree but don’t you think that “window dressing” can tell you a little about the person too? When you can guess things about a person by they way they present themselves, that makes it interesting. Makes me think of that show Monk.

  • Nola Darling says:

    Teeth – There is no excuse for messed up teeth. After 18, you are in control. You can save up for braces, veneers, etc. Please see a dentist regularly and not just when your mouth/teeth hurts. Bad teeth = bad breath.

    Hands and Feet – they don’t have to be gorgeous but they must be well taken care of.

    Ill fitting clothes – too big or too small. I don’t want to see your butt or know the contents of your pockets.

  • Therese says:

    LOLOL I do feel a way too when I still see somebody with a Razr! I remember when that phone was like the hot sh*t back in the day.

    Can’t imagine what I’d do if I saw somebody with a Nokia. I’d probably faint.

  • I don’t know if you can get mad at a man for watching Cops, especially a Black man. That’s like the Simpsons for most Black men from the hood. The satire is great.

    I know you were thinking of me when you mentioned your reality show point, and truth be told, I used to watch Flava of Love, then For the Love of Ray J and then after that I became completely disgusted and didn’t start watching again until recently.

    #endthelockout

    What I will say is that if you watch reality TV and understand that it’s scripted and just intended to be that, it’s nothing wrong with that. It’s crappy, it’s very crappy. But like what’s wrong with a little Mob Wives or Bridezilla while we wait for football? Men are competitive, we need something to cheer for!

  • MsEsquire says:

    I judge men that are too well-groomed. It’s okay to having a standing appt. at the barber shop but if you have a nail salon and/or spa on speed-dial I’m side-eyeing you.

    I also judge men who only read magazines, comic books and cereal boxes. To be honest, I judge women for the same reason. READ. A. BOOK!!!

  • NicknotNikki says:

    I told my boyfriend that I always knew I wouldn’t marry a man with a cat.. we broke up for other reasons, but there are some things I just KNOW….

    He had a cat named Mozart….
    I want a dog named Cujo…

    #NoBueno

  • Lady says:

    I’m pretty unimaginative. I judge guys based on intelligence, education level, income, and how good he seems he’d be in bed. Everything else, I pretty much take on a case-by-case basis, but if you’re scoring pretty high in all 4, I’ll prolly give you a chance lol.

  • i’m late today but i’ll comment anyway.

    i used to watch reality tv (flava flav, real chance of love, ray-j) but this shit has gotten out of hand. basketball wives, mosters wives, crips girlfriends, real housewives. its all dumb to me. i can’t stand it. i actually tweeted that the other day. i’d rather watch movies all day or re runs of seinfeld or the office.

    (don’t know if any of these have been listed)

    here’s what i judge women on.

    -chipped fingernail polish

    i’d rather you have clear polish or no finger nail polish at all than chipped nails. its distracting and makes your hands look ugly.

    -weave (yep. i said it).

    i’m one of those guys that doesn’t care what way you wear your hair as long as it looks good on you and its yours. long or short. natural or not. i’m a fan of real hair that looks good. also, there is no such thing as bad hair. only healthy vs. unhealthy hair.

    -a woman who can’t cook to save her life

    i’m a dude and i know my way around a kitchen. i won’t be on the food network anytime soon but i can manage. i believe women should at least know how to make 5 dishes well.

    - a woman with bad shoes

    yes i notice women’s shoes. a lot.

  • Corey says:

    My vodka and crans look pink and I hate dogs. So I’m suspect now?

  • Elle says:

    Shoes….I hate to see a man in raggedy run over shoes. It’s such a turn off and it makes me think he doesn’t care about his appearance. On closer inspection he might have a dirty shirt collar or something equally as sloppy.

    If he only gets his news from ESPN we are not compatible. I mean we can’t talk about anything other then the NBA playoffs, the Superbowl or the World Series?

    I will also judge a man who is unable to perform minor maintenance on his car, properly purchase an automobile without getting swindled, or come to at least a general conclusion of what is wrong with his car when it breaks down
    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
    This!

  • Penny Pocket says:

    There are three things that I consider absolute deal breakers when it comes to men:

    1. I can’t take a man seriously if he gets his eyebrows waxed, threaded or tweezed. He doesn’t have to have a unibrow but if I want to know the name of the person who does his brows, I don’t want to date him.

    2. I cannot stand bad teeth… Wait? What did you say? I’m sorry, I was too busy looking at your messed up mouth to pay attention to the words that are coming out of it.

    3. I will judge you if you can’t spell. Dictionary.com, auto correct and spell check are your friends.

  • Nadisrad says:

    my dealbreakers: skinny jeans, jacked up teeth and a lisp. Not a fan. Not a fan, at all.

  • Penny Pocket says:

    I’m also giving you a major side eye if you are wearing sunglasses in a dark club at night.

  • HLBB says:

    I. Am a judgmental lil’ bitch.

    That being said, I really don’t care how much you make (I pay my own way thanks), what kind of car you drive (although I totally agree with the jalopy = big dick thing), or where you went to school.

    I will judge a man’s wardrobe. I want a man with a sense of STYLE. Which means clothes that fit, outfits that are classic, you own a suit, your shoes are on point… it does NOT mean designer labels from head to toe. I hate labels.

    If you can’t spell or speak properly. Using the word “conversate” makes me want to rip your tongue out via your throat (thank you Khal Drogo)

    You act like you’re “kinda a big deal”. You’re a douche.

    Geography. Yup. I’m a downtown girl. If you live in the ‘burbs and do all your socializing in the ‘burbs, then yeah…no


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