When it comes to the men I dally with I’m not one for must-have lists. I have no income or height requirements, no minimum education level to qualify. Being shorter than I is not grounds for disqualification, and while I prefer that you not be slimmer than I am, for the right man I’m willing to overlook it. In short, I try to evaluate men on a case-by-case basis.
Unless they’re white. In which case I don’t evaluate them at all. But that’s another post for another day. And another blog.
Although I try my best not to prematurely eliminate a potentially viable candidate, I have to admit that there are certain seemingly-random qualities that will cause me to raise an eyebrow when I encounter them in a man. They’re not grounds for disqualification in and of themselves; but they do drag down the overall average. You’re probably thinking this is wrong and unfair, but read my list first before you judge (see what I did there?).
1. Girlie drinks
I’m not a drinker anymore, but in my day I used to knock back Jack & Cokes like Crystal Light on a hot summer day. I’ve never been one for coolers and fruity concoctions; I like my liquor like I like everything else – sans accoutrement. And maybe the fact that I don’t drink should disqualify me from judging another’s drink choices, but guess what? If I see a man drinking a Mike’s Hard it makes me think that his stones have not descended all the way. Sipping anything other than beer from a bottle is unmanly. And do not let me catch you drinking a Cosmo. That is just – suspect. As far as I’m concerned, the only pink thing a man should be putting his mouth on is my….well you know.
2. Watches the wrong reality tv
This one hurts me because some of my most favourite men in the world watch shows that make me weep for all humanity. The first time I saw Most tweeting about Jersey Shore I was so traumatized I had to evacuate Twitter. And when my most favourite person ever mentioned in the comments that he watches The Hills I took to my bed in utter disappointment and bewilderment. Luckily for these guys they are so dope that they can afford to fall down a notch or two for watching drivel. But the average man who watches Cops loses several points in my book. Actually let me be real – Cops is a dealbreaker. But you guys know what I’m saying.
5. His car
I have always said that you can tell a lot about a man by the car he drives. And while I’ve never been able to actually articulate what it is you can tell, I definitely draw conclusions about a man based on whether he drives a 3-series BMW
he’s a douche, a Lexus sedan he has good taste, a Nissan Altima he lacks imagination or a jalopy he is sensible and has a huge penis. I will also judge a man who is unable to perform minor maintenance on his car, properly purchase an automobile without getting swindled, or come to at least a general conclusion of what is wrong with his car when it breaks down.
You own a cat, you’re suspect.
And of course honourable mention goes to shoes because you guys already know I judge the shit out of a man based on his shoes.
What about you guys? What random and meaningless things do you judge potential suitors for? You guys have been awfully quiet lately so please speak up in the comments.
My theory on manscaping has always been very simple: Do it. Or ...
If you follow me on twitter you may have noticed my random tweets ...
Warning: this is a rant. As far as I know, I don't write many ...
There's a new breed of women around. You'll recognize them by ...