A Rant, An Impassioned Plea
2011
Only a few days left of voting for the Black Weblog Awards. Please head over here to vote for me. Please! Yesterday the homey @MalikPanama sent me a rant apropos of nothing. I read it and then I stared at my screen in consternation; completely at a loss for words. My reaction was 50% “I [...]
Only a few days left of voting for the Black Weblog Awards. Please head over here to vote for me. Please!
Yesterday the homey @MalikPanama sent me a rant apropos of nothing. I read it and then I stared at my screen in consternation; completely at a loss for words. My reaction was 50% “I hear what you’re saying” and 50% “get the fuck out of here”. And what do I always do when I can’t form a definitive opinion on something? I put it out to you guys to weigh in. So with his permission, check it out.
So I was reading one my side blogs the other day (don’t worry baby you’re still my main blog, the others aren’t anywhere near as eloquent as you. Shit I don’t even comment all of the time either) and the writer is starting to bug me out. Not because she’s bad at it or anything but because she keeps going after the same type of dude and keeps expecting different results from these flinglationships she’s having. The long and short of the type of guys she’s into is the Mandingo. I don’t mean she exclusively dates dudes with gigantic genitalia, but basically Black men who encompass pretty much every stereotype that comes with it.
She can like/be attracted to whomever the fuck she wants. Hell, she can keep making the same mistakes. But the problem I see that she – along with the vast vast vast vast vast majority of Black women – doesn’t seem to notice is that these “dream” guys are human beings with own little eccentricities and peccadilloes. To stick with the Mandingo example at hand, these guys (by her description) are young, tall, good looking, in great shape, and often well endowed. The only thing that is really a slight against some of them is the fact that they may be broke. So by most measures they are idealized Black men. Fair enough. What also comes with this – shit what comes with most any Black man – is an unfathomably high level of hubris. I would argue that it’s justified since these type of guys have probably dug into pretty much every girl they’ve cared to since they were adolescents.
Knowing this, she’s still confused when the guys act an ass or entitled. I only have one constant thought when I read her latest diatribe: Are you fucking serious? Of course they act like that; that’s the position they’ve been in damn near their entire life. Just because you let their penis attack your vagina doesn’t make you special all of a sudden. Hell even if they fell in love with you, remnants of their behavior would still be there because that’s part of who they are.
Now to branch this rant out, a lot of Black women don’t seem to understand that for all the pros they think Mr. Super Big Dick Big Money 6’4″ Gangsta Educated ‘I Love the LAWD!’ negro may have, there are also cons. As great as it may be to be with an extremely protective, conservative, clean cut, and militant dude, you have to remember that it comes with negatives to. He, in all likelihood probably has very ‘old school’ rules when it comes to women. So while he may treat you like a lady, he’s also going to expect you to act like a lady. That means constant arguments about going to clubs, what you’re wearing, how much you work (if he puts his ego aside to let you work at all), how friendly is too friendly, etc.
Women don’t ever seem to run these types of factors in through their head. Like, what type of fucking person are you yourself? Shouldn’t that be known before seeking relationships? Because, you know, just because you have an arbitrary checklist of what you want in a guy doesn’t mean Mr. Fantasy is the type of guy that’s best for you for the 1 night stand, flinglationship, dating, marriage, or anything in between.
/endrant
Those of you who know me well know that I have a bit of experience with the type of dude Malik is describing; so I found myself vacillating between feeling for the idiot girl that continues to chase this type of jackass and agreeing with his judgment of her choices.
So I ask you, my dear readers, what do you guys think? Do you agree that women have a tendency to chase after an ideal without really considering what the reality of that man entails? Or is this just the point of view of a man who doesn’t fit that “ideal” and is mad about it? Weigh in in the comments.
And please don’t forget to vote for me to win a Black Weblog Award or four. If you don’t want me to be the Susan Lucci of black blogging, do me a favour and click here
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I stand behind my rant.
Hmmm… #ShotsFired
I am far from the idealized black dude in that post… So my comments definitely has a little biasness to it…
I don’t mind women going for what they find attracted to… Just make sure you get a worthy relationship out the deal & a ring… Then you can justify your decision in dating him… Don’t have a nasty break-up & then want some second time around shit…
When you are dealing with those type of men that are out of your league… You gotta come in ready to bring your A-Game…
Women can be very short-sighted and think in terms of the 1st quarter & neglect the other three quarters of play…
But that is why Max is here to save you broads…
Good post Malik
I don’t mind women going for what they find attracted to… Just make sure you get a worthy relationship out the deal & a ring…
Adonis…
What is up with your obsession on women getting a ring? What if she ISN’T looking for all of that? Contrary to popular belief there are a few women who aren’t interested in getting a ring out the deal, some are just content with a good solid healthy relationship.
I will overlook the fact that you have been married already, so you aren’t as excited about matrimony as much as your female counterparts…
Send me to the press conference or article where marriage isn’t all that important to the majority of American woman & I can get on your bandwagon of supporting long-term-high-quality-relationships…
As far as I am concerned the majority of Women & LeBron want the same things in life but aren’t good enough to get them yet…
Titles & Rings…
As for me, give me some good, non-crazy, non-disease free p*ssy… Then maybe commitment, then maybe monogamy, then maybe permanent monogamy (among favorable divorce laws)
I actually agree with his rant. If you are going to deal with a certain type of person, you need to also learn to deal with their drawbacks. Something I notice a lot of women fail at doing. You want Mr Fine, good looking, a lot women chase after him blah blah…That kindof man might(probably) will be a cheater. So if infidelity is a deal breaker, why date him and complain?
All bitterness aside… Chris, My recurring theme I see with people… is the refusal to take responsibility for the people they date…
As far as women are concerned… When checking for men, it is not about lowering standards, but moreso focusing on critical aspects of a man, you have to have & have to do without & then discarding the fluff…
Cause only 20% of what he does makes 80% of the difference… (Pareto’s Principle) So make that 20% count
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pareto_principle
Agreed.
But we all think at some point we could be the one to change him and make him see the light that we are “That Tri-Factor Chick”
If there’s one thing I have learned from my dating misadventures was that the minute I stopped entertaining “my type” of guy and started engaging with different dudes who had the basic requirements of being a good man, I stopped dealing with b.s drama and started finding a different calibre of guy out there. Because lets be honest, when you say you are attracted to a “type” of guy really you are saying that’s your M.O (Modus Operandi aka Mode of operation). Anybody whose watched CSI or Law & Order knows the person with a known M.O always gets arrested by Ice T and ‘em doing the same dumb ish they did last time. Just because you like deep fried chicken and it hits the spot doesn’t mean its good for you and needs to be part of your staple diet. It doesn’t hurt to switch up your diet/your m.o, its necessary if you want a different result.
Max I cosign this post 200%. It seems men and women fail at realizing this. Women more than men.
For the men:
1. If you want the “hot chic”, the video-vixen type, be prepared to deal with all the BS that comes with it. A lot of men don’t understand this. I didn’t get it either until I got older. Women like this typically have princess-syndrome and can be insecure. Of course there are exceptions to the rule but for the most part if men have been kissing her @ss for the majority of her life how do you think she will behave?
Example: Joe Budden
2. If you are a chauvinist, old school in how you deal with women, believe you aren’t a man unless you take care of a woman, etc. you have to deal with bad side of the women that subscribe to that way of thinking. I see way too many men cry and b***ch about their woman when she doesnt step up and help with the heavy lifiting, or she is non-supportive. You can’t be mad or frustrated. This is what you signed up for.
For women:
The qualities I hear some women say they want are the qualities that are conducive to what women don’t want. Women never seem to get this. It’s almost fool proof. I’ve sat back and watched and predicted accurately how a man would behave with women and they didnt understand it. Certain type of men/women do certain things. The guy that is so sweet, chivalrous, and charming is probably a manipulator, cheater, selfish etc. I’m not saying that those things are bad but if he is doing everything right on a superficial level then you need to be extra critical and keep your 3rd eye open. Some women tend to put more weight on the qualities that have no bearing on having a successful LTR or marriage. Its a zero-sum mentality. A man that is charming and extra-chivalrous does not mean he is a good man. It means that he is charming and extra-chivalrous and thats it. those qualities don’t equal good character.
Basically what it comes down to is realizing that what you like or want may not be what is best for you. And you realize that when you are completely honest with yourself (good and bad) and you know who you are.
Good post! I agree w/ Malik’s rant. This happens very often, and not just with the Mandingo type of man as he called it. I have a friend who married a guy who isn’t a stereotypical Mandingo. And that image is what she fell in love with. The ideal of this man with whom she could create this Cosby-esque lifestyle. And like the Mandingo lovers, she didn’t consider the reality of what this entails. I guess what I’m saying is…Mandingo or not, hot girl or wall flower….you really need to use your judgement in regards to what you’re signing up for. Looking past the surface is a must.
Max hid a Mandingo diss in a post about accepting a man and all his faults. Just so y’all know.
But i’m a strong believer in the logic of; maybe your type isn’t the best for you.
I’d have to agree with the rant. I’ve stopped giving some women advice because they disregard it and end up saying something like”he’s so rough around the edges and I love it!” while he’s also sleeping with their friend/cousin.
You have to consider a person’s whole character or lack there of.
There are protons and neutrons in everything and it comes to down to what you can and can’t deal with. Like I can’t deal with selfish ego maniacs who are liars, manwhores, womanizers etc although these men tend to be highly attractive outwardly, their behavior makes the inner man quite ugly.
I wish I could come across someone I find highly attractive physically, who is mentally stimluating, spiritually grounded, and emotionally available, who has great character and is good to and for me..but isn’t that what everyone wants LOL.
Maxie…I started to read this rant and got to when he said “hubris”, fanned myself and couldn’t finish.
I’ll come back in a bit
Here’s the thing: truth of the matter is alot of time we do this ALREADY knowing what it may entail but depending on what our needs/wants are at that time we will enjoy the ride in the meantime and cross that bridge when we get to it.
I totally agree with this rant. Everybody is going to have their flaws you just have to decide which ones you can put up with them. These situations seem like failed checklist dating. I mean it’s cool to make a check list of what you want in a mate but it needs to be complex and interactive. Instead of just “yes” and “no” boxes you need to have a “check back after so many dates” box, a “need more information” box, a “not this sh!t again” box, and an “end list now and run for the hills” box.
There need to be sections “must haves”,” cannot haves”, ect. This check list also needs a cross reference key that says something like if three from the” must haves” are yes than one from the “cannot haves” is acceptable or if questions 1, 3, and 7 are no then questions 2, 5 and 8 must be yes.
Sounds real extra right? But it would lessen the likely hood of Mandingo let down. Most women who have a checklist only check for the superficial without regard to the things that will drive them insane later. Example: Gorgeous…check, good job …check, has a house…check, can hold and intellectual conversation…check= my dream man… Wrong what you missed in that checklist is that he has a threesome fetish and uses his intellectual conversation to pick up chicks to bring back to his main chick.
i stopped having a type long ago and am happier for it.
but i know many a woman who have a certain ideal type that just doesn’t align with reality. and then they wonder why things don’t work out. my bff, for instance. loves little young things (because she’s convinced that she’s still 22 and not 28), but wants a relationship. and then wonders why things don’t work out with the 22 yr olds she goes out with. and no matter how many times you tell her, “22 yr old dudes don’t want to be in a relationship…look for someone closer to your age,” she’ll just be like, “ew…guys my age are too old.” lol.
That’s the looking for the exception to the rule thing. What we never think about in that situation is that him being the exception to the rule brings on other flaws like the 22 year old who want to be in a relationship wants you to be his mom and do everything for him but he wants a relationship right? lol
I agree with this rant. To add to the rant: THEN, I repeat, THEN have the nerve to use Mr. Fantasy’s treatment of them as a measure of how ALL men suck. Really?! #TheMizVoice
There’s an over emphasis and borderline obsession with imagery. Women and men who pursue in this matter are more concerning with the imagery of the person rather than the substance. It’s stupid to pursue a relationship with imagery as your motivator then get mad when the substance is non-existent. Welp…
Umm… I agree. I only date guys who are cute with lots of earning potential, but rarely are they my actual TYPE. When I date guys like that who are my actual type, I lose my head and start acting silly.Putting up with nonsense, etc. Then I catch myself and end the relationship. It rarely works out.
I would have to agree with Malik’s rant, too.
I think you hit the nail on the head; many of the women who end up dating (and being hurt by) the same men are well versed in who they are attracted to but not who they are as women. Dating an Alpha male probably isn’t gonna fly if you aren’t Stepford wife material. Dating a super emo, “monogamy is an unnatural construct” spoken word dude isn’t gonna work out if you are the type of woman who needs absolutes and tangible action, not existential experiences. But then again, alot of people would know this if they learned THEMSELVES first, before involving someone else.
Malik is a saint for continuing to listen to this. lol
i agree with everything said. that is all.
*requests late pass*
I agree with the rant AND the comments but let me just say this:
I gave up the “Mandingo” and decided instead to go for the older, employed, family-car-driving, NICE guy.
Me, three months later?! Bored. As. Fuck.
Then again, I’m not looking for any titles or rings either. Now I’m on the hunt for Mr. Nice Mandingo. Wish me luck.
Great post
I completely understand. It’s a hard mix considering they can be two extremes in personality. I wish you nothing but luck.
a good looking man belongs to everyone…. face it.