Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about monogamy. More specifically, I’ve been thinking about monogamy as it relates to me – what would I be like in a monogamous relationship? As you guys are well aware, it’s not something I put a lot of weight on or have much use for. It’s been a very long time since I’ve been faithful to someone because I had to rather than because I wanted to.
A few days ago I made a list. It was a list of sexy and sex-related things I currently do that I might not be able to do if I was in an exclusive relationship. To share the list with you guys would be giving you waaaay too much information about my movements, but it included things like faux sex and dirty talk and even Nasty Fridays.
Then I looked at all that stuff and I thought about how much I enjoy those acts. I thought about what life would be like if I had to stop participating in them, or if I had to do them with only one person for years on end.
I started to twitch a little bit.
I tried to calm myself by imagining being in a relationship that really warranted those types of shackles on me. I thought about being really known, really loved, really supported by someone I really cared about. I imagined building a life with someone, having a future with someone, being able to count on him being there no matter what. I got a really clear picture in my mind of what that would look like, feel like, be like and then again I tried to picture being naked only with him, being dirty only with him, fucking only him.
I twitched a bit less, but I still twitched. And then I accepted that the idea of being without options – no matter how great the rewards are – makes me fucking twitch.
And this is why I say I have the soul of a cheater. It’s not because I’m not capable of being with only one person, but because something inside of me starts to die a little bit when I feel like my freedom has been taken away from me. Because in response to that feeling of near death, I will act out and line-step behind my partner’s back just to feel as though I’ve regained some of my autonomy. It’s not that I can’t stop myself from cheating, but more like I can’t stop myself from stopping just short of cheating. And truth be told, I wouldn’t even be fazed by it if I didn’t know that this mentality will likely lead to the demise of any relationship I ever decide to get in.
I know I’m not alone in this. I know there are many other people out there who consider monogamy to be either unnatural or untenable. Or both. And – unlike many people who think like me – I believe I cover my bases in terms of not accidentally hurting the men I care about by letting them know as soon as it’s relevant that I’m not a monogamy kind of girl. If you insist on it I will agree to it but I’ll do it half-assed. I’ll look for loopholes. I’ll be the “Everything But” girl of monogamy – as in I’m doing everything inappropriate I can BUT I technically won’t be cheating.
Ordinarily I really pride myself in my bizarro way of thinking. It’s a point of pride for me that my mind doesn’t flow with the tides. I like having a perspective that is uniquely my own. But I swear to God sometimes I wish I could just learn to love and place wildly unreasonable value on monogamy just so I could fit in with the world at large. Because I have the soul of a cheater and there’s not much love out there for my kind.
But what do you guys think? Any of you also consider yourselves to be cheaters? What makes you say that about yourself? Is there a difference between someone who cheats and someone who has the soul of a cheater? What’s your experience with cheating – have you done it/had it done to you and do you think you’d do it again? Discuss and whatnot in the comments.
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