The Soul of a Cheater


[dropcap]L[/dropcap]ately I’ve been thinking a lot about monogamy. More specifically, I’ve been thinking about monogamy as it relates to me – what would I be like in a monogamous relationship? As you guys are well aware, it’s not something I put a lot of weight on or have much use for. It’s been a very long time since I’ve been faithful to someone because I had to rather than because I wanted to.

A few days ago I made a list. It was a list of sexy and sex-related things  I currently do that I might not be able to do if I was in an exclusive relationship. To share the list with you guys would be giving you waaaay too much information about my movements, but it included things like faux sex and dirty talk and even Nasty Fridays.

Then I looked at all that stuff and I thought about how much I enjoy those acts. I thought about what life would be like if I had to stop participating in them, or if I had to do them with only one person for years on end.

I started to twitch a little bit.

I tried to calm myself by imagining being in a relationship that really warranted those types of shackles on me. I thought about being really known, really loved, really supported by someone I really cared about. I imagined building a life with someone, having a future with someone, being able to count on him being there no matter what. I got a really clear picture in my mind of what that would look like, feel like, be like and then again I tried to picture being naked only with him, being dirty only with him, fucking only him.

I twitched a bit less, but I still twitched. And then I accepted that the idea of being without options – no matter how great the rewards are – makes me fucking twitch.

And this is why I say I have the soul of a cheater. It’s not because I’m not capable of being with only one person, but because something inside of me starts to die a little bit when I feel like my freedom has been taken away from me. Because in response to that feeling of near death, I will act out and line-step behind my partner’s back just to feel as though I’ve regained some of my autonomy. It’s not that I can’t stop myself from cheating, but more like I can’t stop myself from stopping just short of cheating. And truth be told, I wouldn’t even be fazed by it if I didn’t know that this mentality will likely lead to the demise of any relationship I ever decide to get in.

I know I’m not alone in this. I know there are many other people out there who consider monogamy to be either unnatural or untenable. Or both. And – unlike many people who think like me – I believe I cover my bases in terms of not accidentally hurting the men I care about by letting them know as soon as it’s relevant that I’m not a monogamy kind of girl. If you insist on it I will agree to it but I’ll do it half-assed. I’ll look for loopholes. I’ll be the “Everything But” girl of monogamy – as in I’m doing everything inappropriate I can BUT I technically won’t be cheating.

Ordinarily I really pride myself in my bizarro way of thinking. It’s a point of pride for me that my mind doesn’t flow with the tides. I like having a perspective that is uniquely my own. But I swear to God sometimes I wish I could just learn to love and place wildly unreasonable value on monogamy just so I could fit in with the world at large. Because I have the soul of a cheater and there’s not much love out there for my kind.

But what do you guys think? Any of you also consider yourselves to be cheaters? What makes you say that about yourself? Is there a difference between someone who cheats and someone who has the soul of a cheater? What’s your experience with cheating – have you done it/had it done to you and do you think you’d do it again? Discuss and whatnot in the comments.


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Comments 29

  1. Melissa says:

    I dont understand the “things I currently do that I might not be able yo do anymore” thing. Why can’t you do them with the person you want to be with?

    I am not a cheater. I am probably loyal to a fault. Loyal even tho it might not be deserved. I don’t believe that being committed means than the handcuffs are on and you lose your freedom.

    I hate cheaters. I dont really respect cheaters. I think cheaters are weak.

    The end.

    1. max says:

      I don’t know how you cannot equate being committed to losing freedom. If you’re committed you are no longer free to get your swerve on with other people. Whether you look at it as a good thing or a bad thing it’s pretty linear.

      1. melissa says:

        ok, you may be losing your freedom to be with other people, but i think it then opens you up to stuff that you otherwise would not have the opportunity to do, with someone….together.

        i guess my issue with people looking down on commitment is that it’s automatically seen as a negative. you can’t do this, you won’t be able to do that, you’re losing this…as opposed to looking at it as, here are all the things that i can do and all the things that i’m gaining…with someone i want to do it with and we can do it together. coupled with all the fulfilling, supportive, emotional stuff that comes with commitment, i don’t see how it can be a bad thing.

  2. Yoles says:

    i abhor, detest, hate, dislike, am repulsed by cheaters… cheating implies deception, manipulation, hurting and lying and i am not down with any of that… i am non-monogamous but definitely not a cheater.. i think in my younger age i may have had the soul of a cheater but as a grew and found that my happiness is not held in the hands of what others think, i have found my peace…

    cheaters suck…

  3. iriediva says:

    I figure you may have a real hard time finding a man who is ok with sharing “his pussy” so you may indeed have to do a lot of cheating. I do cheat. I cheat on guys who I know are cheating on me. I was never the type who could just walk away so I used it as a way to leave the relationship.

    1. max says:

      To be clear, I’m not saying that I always cheat or even that I always want to. I don’t approve of cheating any more than anyone else. I’m just saying that I have the inclination to do it, that monogamy feels like shackles to me and there are a lot of times when I just have to white-knuckle my way through fidelity because it’s just not my nature.

  4. KhemetLove says:

    “But I swear to God sometimes I wish I could just learn to love and place wildly unreasonable value on monogamy just so I could fit in with the world at large. Because I have the soul of a cheater and there’s not much love out there for my kind.”
    Ain’t that the truth.
    And because there isn’t any love for non monogamous people such as ourselves there are those that don’t have the courage to be who they are. The difference between the soul of a cheater and a cheater is the courage to live honestly. Cheaters don’t have the courage to be who they are.
    I have never cheated but I have been the other woman twice to two men who cheated for different reasons.

    1. Yoles says:

      living honestly is what helps me sleep at night and keeps the age off my face… i accept you in all of your non monogamous truthfulness…


  5. Malik says:

    I could rationalize a scenario where the women I was with told me she needed to ‘explore others’ while staying with me. Like, I understand the position and can accept it in theory, but I don’t know if I could in practice. I probably could, I know I couldn’t love you like used to anymore.

    1. max says:

      Man logic in the extreme. Not that I don’t feel it, but it’s a very manly way of thinking.

  6. Lady Ngo says:

    Well i don’t think “not wanting to be in a monogamous relationship” = “soul of a cheater” because by definition a cheater is someone who IS in a monogamous relationship and still insists on making it do what it do with other people.

    And i don’t think that people don’t have love for people who don’t want to be in a monogamous relationship. People don’t have love for cheaters. So if you have 4 or 5 dudes in your rotation or even just want the freedom to add a dude to your rotation if you want, there’s nothing wrong with that as long as all parties involved understand the rules.

    Also, i don’t think that being monogamous means a loss of freedom. If i’m with Joe and only Joe, its because i’ve found in Joe what im looking for and no longer feel the need/desire to continue looking. And there’s no reason why you can’t do the faux sex, dirty talk, etc with your man.

    1. max says:

      Again I don’t see how people can say monogamy is not a loss of freedom. I really don’t get that.

      1. Lady Ngo says:

        I can understand what you mean by loss of freedom. But i think the reason why you and I (can’t speak for anyone else) might be on different wavelengths is because I view dating and relating as a means to ultimately find “The One”. I don’t really see dating around or dating multiple people at the same time as freedom as much as i see it as a means to an ends. So for me, getting into a commited monogamous relationship means that i (think) have found the person i want and thus the search is over and i no longer have a need to play the field. IDK if that made sense or not lol

  7. $liCc@s$lim3 says:

    I’ve tried to express that exact sentiment SO many times! The comments are
    always the same… “cheating” implies that it’s a game to be won, and games have rules… if someone you agree to “play” with knows your set of rules they can’t call, deception, manipulation, or #swindle if you’re honest from the start that you don’t insist both parties are monogamous. Or maybe it’s our form of rationalization for not wanting to “settle down”… either way, you can’t make a grown person do anything, and you waste energy trying…

  8. Adonis says:

    Hmmm… Nothing wrong with rolling against the tide…

    Well, as far as being mongamous… I was all for it until the heartbreaks came , & then I realized that as a man… I can have a harem of gorgeous women instead of one…

    But I am flawed in my manhood, cause I hold a double standard…

    I demand monogamy from my partners, but I am free to f*ck whomever…

    We’ll see how that works out in a few years…

    Adonis for the win!

  9. Teflon says:

    You say you’re confused as to how monogamy is not a loss of freedom. I think it just depends on your inner person. For some people, monogamy represents more freedom – freedom to really cut loose sexually, freedom to attach emotion to sex, etc. For other people (you) it’s the ultimate loss of freedom. It’s like introverts vs. extroverts. Where you find your energy and your peace is not something that can be fundamentally changed, you just figure out what your preference is and go for that preference. And that’s not to say that you’re unfit for a relationship, but you may not be well suited for a monogamous relationship. ‘Soul of a cheater’ sounds guilt inducing. Soul of a Swinger sounds fun and adventurous.

    1. max says:

      Ah okay now THAT makes sense.

  10. HLBB says:

    I dunno about non-monogamy = soul of a cheater. Like Lady Ngo said, cheating implies lying and deceit. You Max, are too straight up for that. Throwback tendencies aside, I think that you’d be in a committed relationship and tell the dude exactly what you wrote.

    I’m a big believer in monogamy and not good with sharing, but I know this…but I don’t want to be “married” and it’s the want of an emotional commitment more than just the physical.

    At this point, it’s pretty much semantics. As long as there’s no lying involved, people shouldn’t get bent out of shape…

    1. max says:

      I don’t think I said that non-monogamy = soul of a cheater did I?

  11. Simmi says:

    Max, I have to agree with you. Monogamy is a loss of freedom. Period. When someone is monogamous, they can’t explore other people, even if it’s not sexually. You lose things in relationships whether its freedom to sleep around, freedom to explore other people, places and things. Commitment and freedom don’t belong in the same sentence.

  12. KhemetLove says:

    Monogamy equals loss of freedom to bone other people. As useless as that is for people who genuinely want to be with just one person, it is incredibly essential for us non monogamous types. And this “If i’m with Joe and only Joe, its because i’ve found in Joe what im looking for and no longer feel the need/desire to continue looking.”
    There is no such thing as Joe for non monogamous types. I’m in a open relationship not because Joe or any other man isn’t fulfilling my needs, its because I prefer to have sex with other people so strongly that I can’t deny my nature. This has nothing to do with your partner, it’s all to do with us and what we prefer. Just as much as an introvert prefers to be alone and an extrovert doesn’t as someone mentioned earlier.
    I’ve found that the commenters are referring to chex only when it comes to non monogamy. I guess non monogamy is fine when its just a sexual relationship but there are open relationships and marriage. And when that is explored, oh boy, the comments are on fire.

  13. Malik says:

    It’s not even just sex that you lose. It’s the general ability to do whatever you want whenever you want. In a relationship you can’t just wake up one morning and decide you want to plan a trip out of state/country tomorrow. You’re at the whim of the other person’s schedule/wants/needs all the time. There are constant compromises for even things that you DO agree on. There is also the constant need to appease one another on every level. And probably most importantly to me at least, you lose real solitude.

    A lot of people are perfectly fine with that exchange to get a significant other, but let’s not pretend you aren’t losing any freedom.

    1. max says:

      Exactly! It’s not that it’s a bad thing, it’s not that you’re not getting great things in return, but you are giving up freedom.

  14. i’m with you max. although i know i want to ultimately want to be in a relationship. i love the things that come with it. how i feel. how i can make her feel. i do sometimes dread the thought of also giving up my freedom. i have a free spirit and sometimes while in a relationship i feel tied down. not to say that it would be any fault of her own. that’s just my personality. as i’ve grown older i think there are ways in which i can balance the two.

  15. Lady says:

    I mean ppl have swinger relationships all the time. If you find a partner who’s like-minded you guys can both dip out of the relationship and get your swerve on as you please.

  16. Adara says:

    Relationships are frightening to me because monogamy is something I’ve only seen executed well a handful of times. My last serious relationship left disillusioned by love and the control I’ve assumed over my life since is a heady drug. I have no one to answer to, no one to be responsible for, no one asking for an explanation for my behavior.

    I think this selfishness is why I’m both better off single and the best candidate for a relationship. I know me, and once I find someone who is in a similar place, we can focus on “us.”

  17. O_D says:

    “I tried to calm myself by imagining being in a relationship that really warranted those types of shackles on me. I thought about being really known, really loved, really supported by someone I really cared about. I imagined building a life with someone…”

    I want to add a male’s perspective on this. I think part of being a female will ALWAYS be searching for that “perfect man” which is a lot more far fetched than ya’ll are willing to realize.

    I can totally understand your view on monogamy and I just feel like “you do you”. Given your history I’m not sure why thoughts of monogamy are just starting to rise or if they are just getting more sincere. This might be one of the hardest challenges of your life..

  18. SmartFoxGirl says:

    Cheating is not an identity, is it? I think it’s just an action. I dunno, I guess I don’t understand what it is to have a soul of a cheater. If you think about cheating but don’t then you’re not a cheater. I think everyone has thought about cheating or sleeping with someone other than your mate. I think that’s perfectly primal and natural. It’s what you do with that thought. I think someone mentioned courage. It’s probably that and strength combined with love. Like if you are with someone who is your bentley, you don’t want to drive any other car even though the thought may cross your mind, you don’t trade it in. I don’t know if that makes sense or maybe I’m going too deep. lol Anywho, I don’t think there’s such a thing as a “soul of a cheater”. I think it’s just people who don’t want to make certain sacrifices for whatever reason and that’s perfectly okay. Don’t force it if you don’t want to because THAT’s when you’ll (not you) cheat. Everyone should be real with themselves. I always respect a man who let’s it be known that he needs more than one woman. I may not date him but I respect the honesty. That’s not cheating. Cheating is lying.

  19. brainly says:

    well it depends on how u think? will u rather sleep around or be with Mr. fat big good performer dick? if u are a man will u rather sleep around or be with a monster lady freak with a monster body? it depends on how u think we are not animals we are human beings and there is always a high better option.

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