Squeamish is as Squeamish Does

mba0615l

I go to my office, grab whatever I’m planning to eat for breakfast and head to the kitchen. The first thing I do is re-wash my hands because I don’t trust the bathroom soap to get my hands really clean. The soap in there is self-lathering and I don’t believe in that. In the kitchen I scrub the shit out of my hands; making sure I get under my nails and under my rings to wash all the TTC filth off me. Then I make my breakfast, then I wash my hands again, and then I take a dry paper towel and head back to my office.

When I get there I use the paper towel to open the door, then press the power button on my monitor through the paper towel to turn the screen back on. I have trouble using the mouse through a paper towel so I use it bare-handed to open a blog post to read while I eat. I hit a squirt of hand sanitizer, then rub my hands with a cleansing wipe, then I eat. Then I wash my hands again and go on with my day.

As you can see – and as anyone who has ever eaten with me can attest – I am super anal about the cleanliness of my hands when it comes to them touching anything I’m about to put in my mouth. Once I wash my hands, if I so much as graze anything that is not also freshly-washed I have to start the process all over again. I cannot dry my hands with a hand towel because I cannot absolutely vouch for its cleanliness; even if it’s fresh from the laundry. As you can imagine, I go through an assload of paper towels in a day.

But let’s go back to the TTC for a moment because I did not give that justice at all. I am absurdly squeamish about being on our transit system. I have heard too many stories about fecal matter being found on the poles and the seats to ever feel comfortable on there.  Under no circumstances will I eat on a transit vehicle because that is disgusting. I won’t even go on there with a cup of coffee from Starbucks or any of those places where the lid has a hole in it because I can just feel the filth from the air drifting into that tiny hole and poisoning my coffee. I know this is extreme, but I cannot help it.

But as squeamish as I am about eating and transit, I am astonishingly lax about other things. I kill bugs with my bare hands without giving it a second thought. I have no problem taking a wad of gum from your mouth and throwing it in the garbage – in fact I’ve been known to pick at the lumps of gum stuck under the conference room table when I’m bored in a meeting. I never look at park benches to make sure they’re clean before I sit on them (unless I’m wearing white pants) and although I often think about how filthy my yoga mat must be, I press my face against it on a daily basis.

I won’t rest my hair on it though. That’s nasty.

I’m beyond squeamish about teeth-brushing. I will not watch anyone do that – not even in a movie – and no way in hell will I allow anyone to watch me brush mine. I’d sooner sit ringside while someone drops a deuce than witness tooth-brushing. But I’m not squeamish at all about renting apparel; I know bowling shoes are disgusting but I happily rent them anywhere and I confess that I’ve actually borrowed a bathing suit from a friend in a pinch, even though that is fucking nasty when you think about it.

If I make toast and so much as a corner of it slips off the plate and touches the counter – even if I just cleaned it – I throw it out. And yet – I do not squat over toilet seats and cannot be bothered to use those paper seat covers. Even at the McDonald’s on the 401 which everyone who lives in Ontario knows is the nastiest bathroom on earth.

I will not buy glasses or plates from Goodwill but I have bought cooking appliances from there on more than one occasion. I won’t use plastic cutlery that is inside the plastic bag when I get take out because I’m not sure the inside of the bag is clean. I will lick the lid of a container of Swiss Chalet sauce though. With gusto.

I will not under any circumstances walk barefoot in any public place – including the hallways of my building – but I will drink water from those jugs they leave on the bar sometimes after last call.

And there is no such thing as a 5-second rule in my world. If I drop it I am not picking it up.

As ultra-squeamish as I am about some seemingly-innocuous things, I am completely unconcerned by other things that gross out normal human beings. I have no real explanation for this other than the fact that I’m a fucking weirdo. But what about you guys? Are any of you randomly squeamish or are you the type who either doesn’t give a fuck about anything or cares deeply about everything? What random things are you squeamish about? Speak on it in the comments.

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bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 42

  1. MsEvaHoney says:

    Hey Max this ish cracked me up!
    I do not like my food to touch on my plate. I dont let other people make my plate. I hate when people say, “It’s all going down the same way”. I don’t care. If certain things touch on my plate, I lose my appetite and won’t eat.
    Also I only eat soup from an oversized soup mug or bowl and they have to be glass. No plastic bowls for me. There are a few more but I am tired. Good post!

  2. O_D says:

    Oh dear max, how can you be so dirty but yet so clean?? Lol I’m not a doctor but you can label these habits as OCD-Like behavior. I have a REALLY similar way of thinking. Like at the break room at work the open bag full of plastic-ware.. I will dig all the way to the back of that b**** to grab a spoon making sure I grab it from the handle. Sometimes after washing hands in the work restrooms I use my shirt to cover the door handle upon exit. But if my ass is hungry enough, best believe I will dig into whatever food or goodies I have on hand, with almost pure black dirt covered hands(I’m a night stocker and the amount of filth you acquire is staggering). But I still try to use as little contact as possible, lol.

  3. LaLaBakir says:

    I don’t walk around the house w/o flip flops on. Not even socks will do. Why? Because the socks will attract the hair that I’m trying to avoid getting on my feet. I’ll only go barefoot if there’s carpet. If I’m at somebody’s house, I’ll have to settle for socks.

    I absolutely WILL NOT use a wash cloth that has hair tangled in it. *vomits in mouth* I just can’t. And if it’s too linty or old looking, I’ll just as soon take a cue from the white folk and not use a wash cloth.

    I HATE HAIR!!!! I can’t stand it being on the floor. On couches. On chairs. Mostly importantly on me. I don’t wanna see it in the gotdamn sink when I brush my teeth. I will lose my mind. Seriously, I stepped out the shower at the BFF’s house (who sheds like crazy) and hair got on my foot and I screamed bloody murder. I wipe down the sink EVERY time after I do my hair. Time permitting, I’ll sweep the floor too.

    People chewing w/ their mouth open makes me squeamish. I refuse to talk to anyone who does that. My students know that and will do it just to get on my skin. I freaked out when one student was drinking chocolate milk and that shit got on me. I warned her to stop…begged her. Did she listen? Nope, and her chocolate milk landed on my bottom lip. I’m surprised I’m still here to tell that story.

    Oh, and I don’t like things that are close together. Like ants gathering around a piece of candy…bubbles in the sink after washing dishes. It makes me itch.

    I’m sure there are more things that make me squeamish. I’m fucking weird.

    1. Flyy says:

      Hair?! On the floor?! *dies a slow death*

      Especially bathroom floors after a shower… *faints* I’ve been known to shower twice b/c of that.

      1. LaLaBakir says:

        I’m glad somebody feels me on this! People look at me like I’m soooo strange when I have a hair fit!

        Another thing that makes me squeamish? SPIT. Seeing it on the floor or in the bathroom sink *shivers* Or watching someone spit…it drives me mad! Mad I tell you

        1. max says:

          You two are in for a world of hurt when you get to my place. My.hair.goes.everywhere.
          I try my best to staunch it but that shit has a life of its own.

          1. LaLaBakir says:

            Just make a broom or a shit load of paper towels available so I can clean it up.

            I def put the Swiffer to work in DC,lol

          2. Flyy says:

            My hair sheds like crazy when I’m not weaving as well…lol.

            I can deal w/ hair in other places I’ll just be tiptoe-ing around the bathroom or standing on paper towels b/c hair on wet feet post-shower… *faints again*

          3. HLBB says:

            I hate hair AND shed like mad.
            I live in my own personal hell

    2. Reecie says:

      yall would hate me. I have hair everywhere. I am better about vacuuming and sweeping it off of the floor but the sink is kinda an ongoing problem. I get it up when I have company though. I know its gross to a lot of people but its MINE and I live alone. one of the perks. lol

  4. Sam Sharpe says:

    Wait, so what do you do before, during and after sex? Head? ‘Cause there’s a whole lot of nasty involved in all of that.

    1. max says:

      None of these rules apply when it comes to sex. If I’m getting fucked and I’m worried about germs, something is terribly wrong.

  5. lets see.

    i things that make me squeamish. the thought of eating a banana. makes me want to throw up just thinking about it. as far as food is concerned i’m a big texture person and anything along those lines are a no go for me. which is why i don’t eat mashed potatoes or baked potatoes.

    i also can’t stand snakes. i’m cool with all other reptiles but i hate snakes. they are evil creatures. lucifer took the form of a snake to trick adam and eve. that’s all the proof i need to stay away from them.

    oh things that don’t make me squeamish. bugs. nashville is currently being infested by cicadas. those things are everywhere. i remember the other day i got on an elevator with a woman. i told her that she had a cicada on her back. i was going to take it off but she proceeded to run around in circles on the elevator. smh i don’t mind bugs at all. i simply picked the cicada off her back.

    1. LaLaBakir says:

      OMG you sound like my step-brother! He doesn’t eat mashed potatoes either! Or yogurt, or sweet potatoes…hell I’m not sure if Ant even eats macaroni and cheese. *rolls eyes*

      1. lol i started eating mac&cheese like 5 years ago.

  6. Flyy says:

    hahahahaha… my poor Maxie.

    Most of my squeamish behavior comes from me not wanting to look at certain things… I can’t deal w/ the textured look of certain patterns or things that happen naturally in life. Makes me ill. I don’t know how else to describe it…

    I can’t relax in a dirty room, I will be constantly on edge. Last night, I took my bed out of my room and clean under it, the baseboards of the walls and everything… best sleep I’ve had in months. A dirty microwave will cause me to faint. LOL. I can’t deal… to think that those lil food particles ‘stuck’ to the microwave may fall inside my food?! You might as well shooot me now. At work, in the kitchen we have one of those trashcans that has a lid you enter stuff through the top… ugh… the amount of grossness that covers that lid from people throwing away their coffees and lunches *gag* I am infamous for grabbing a paper towel and soaking it scalding hot water from the water cooler and trying to clean the top of the lid. I just can’t take it.

    1. Flyy says:

      One last thing… I can’t believe I forgot this… I don’t know how I’m going to type b/c I’m gagging just thinking about it…

      Have you ever been to someone’s house that left their dishrag/sponge in the the sink too long??????? OMG. That mildewy smell that attaches it self to the sponge from the water and/or food particles. IF you touch that rag it will get on your hands… that smell just *gag* It smells like bacteria are infesting my body. It’s so gross!! How can you get ANYTHING clean if your tools smell like bacteria?! That smell is every-fucking-where! You have to use like lemon scented soap to make it vamoose. I don’t like dish sponges… sponges just scream bacteria to me… I can deal w/ the rag but it must be washed/replaced often. My roomie now doesn’t seem to understand where all of her dishrags are disappearing to.

      1. LaLaBakir says:

        YES!!! My roomie doesn’t get that either! I wash the dishrag and replace it often.

        You know what else, WASHCLOTHES!!!! If you fucking wash cloth is frozen and stiff wash that shit! Just b/c you use it to bath doesn’t mean that it doesn’t get dirty. Smelling like belly button…I can’t!

        1. Flyy says:

          & this is why you are my boo Lala.

          “Smelling like belly button…” bwhahhahahahahaha!!

          Son… my roomie has a tendency to wash clothes and leave them in the washer too long before moving them to the dryer. Wet clothes = mildew and/or that unbearable smell. She doesn’t seem to mind b/c she just KIM and throws them in the dryer. You open the linen closet to get a towel after a shower and you just wiped the mildew smell on your body. *wall slides*

          I keep my towels/clothes separate from hers. One of my guests grabbed one of her towels one time and was planning to use it I promptly entered the bathroom while they were in the shower and replaced the towel. I know they were confused like what? that was a clean towel… towel? yes. clean? not so much.

          1. LaLaBakir says:

            YES!!! I keep my towels and such in my room. I can’t phathom using any wash cloth or towel my roomie used. Nope. She has failed the hygenic test as far as I’m concerned.

  7. average chick says:

    I get squeamish when I see people take the eye boogers out of their eye and then look at it. Just typing the sentence makes me want to vomit. I can’t stand when people bite their nails. Especially on the subway. I get nauseous every time. I also hate feet. I think all feet are disgusting. Even baby feet. Once I was eating lunch and saw a photo of feet and lost my appetite. I agree with Lalabakir about the spitting. I get nauseuos when I see it on sidewalk or when I catch someone do it.

  8. Reecie says:

    I’m actually not squeamish about much. I tell people all the time it takes a LOT to gross me out. not sure if that’s a good thing. I guess the typical gory things which is why I don’t watch horror films, but real life bodily functions and bugs and things like that I am totally okay with. weird.

    but I do have some. I have a keen sense of smell so bad smells bother me immensely. I also hate the mildew smell. if I’m in the bathroom and the towels smell I’m changing them, I don’t care if its not mine. its going in the laundry basket and your towel will be replaced. again my nose is a gift and a curse.

    and bad breath, and men that hold too much saliva in their mouths and when it gathers in the corners of their mouth *shivers* GROSSES.ME.OUT. also don’t lick and drop spit all on my ears or wet up my neck with your wet ass mouth. the only body part I like super soaked is the snatch. thanks.

    1. LaLaBakir says:

      “and men that hold too much saliva in their mouths and when it gathers in the corners of their mouth”

      You’re mouth is juuuuuiccccy…juicy mouth-ed

      1. Reecie says:

        juicy mouth is only good for one thing! lol

        1. LaLaBakir says:

          I know that’s right! LOL!!

          Jamie Foxx kills me about spit http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k87KhpWzaCc

          That shit happened to me…that damn chocolate milk landed on my bottom lip. Makes me mad to this day.

    2. SmartFoxGirl says:

      I cosign this. I’m ultra-sensitive to smells. I have plug ins strategically placed around my house and don’t even get me started on seeing mildew. My ex would have to mildew his bathroom before I would even step foot in there. I can’t stand the “frowsy” smell, bad breath, etc. My body shuts down and I get anxious like I’m having an allergic reaction. icant.

    3. BP says:

      I too am very sensative to smells. Like uber sensitive.

  9. SmartFoxGirl says:

    *slow clap* It’s good to see I’m not alone. My squeamishness to germs is a joke amongst my family and friends. Everyone makes fun of me and side eyes me. I will never change. I can’t help it. I’m also super duper an@l about my house. I try to tell my peeps this makes me feel better. I don’t even complain about it. You’ll just see my mopping the floor 3 times in a day, pay me no mind. The sad thing is my daughter is completely programmed. She has hand sanitizer on the zipper to her lunch box. True story, when she was 2, a man tried to give her a high five and she told him his hands were dirty. Smh.

    1. Adonis says:

      I like that…

      I need someone in my life (not you though), that is anal about cleanliness…

      too funny

  10. Linique Hill says:

    I do everything in my power not to use a new towel every time I take a shower. I will not dry my feet with the towel I dry my body with, even though I was them. I don’t take food anywhere near the bathroom ( who does, right?). If I have to go poop after I get out the shower, I get immediately pissed because I need to shower again. If I walk around in underwear, I put a towel down if I sit on the couch_ think about all the seats your jeans have touched during the day and then you sit on the couch…..
    I will not share the nasty things I choose to overlook -_-

  11. BP says:

    Hair in a sink also drives me crazy. So does toothpaste clumped in the sink. I have to rinse the sink if there is anything in it.
    Wet bathroom mats gross me out. I have to stand on a towel or be the first to take a shower. If someone is eating while they are talking to me on the phone I put them on hold. The thought of someone eating and talking to me makes me picture food flying out of their mouth. I don’t let people use my computer at work unless they sanitize their hands in front of me first. But I am perfectly normal. LOL

    1. BP says:

      Oh and I hate anything that looks like mayo in my food. Mayo=sperm in my head.

      1. i hate mayo with a passion.

        1. LaLaBakir says:

          I don’t wanna taste it. Like, I’ll get it on a sub or Italian cheese burger…but the the other flavors must over power it.

          I can’t stand milk. If some of that crap gets on me….blech. That smell just stays in your skin. And all milk stinks to me. Spoiled and new…all smells alike.

          1. Reecie says:

            yea I don’t do milk or mayo. If I’m making macaroni tuna or seafood type salad I’ll use miracle whip. but I don’t eat that ish no place else!!! I also cook/bake with whole milk if the recipe calls for it but you know you don’t really taste that. I only like choc or strawberry milk even though I haven’t had either in ages–it puts me in a bad way when I do (TMI, sorry)

  12. wowowow!! what a post!! and these comments! i don’t have anything to compete with this stuff…the most i can say is that i don’t like to drink tap water, though i will brush my teeth in it. and i don’t like anyone to put their hands over, in, or close to my mouth (which clearly makes trips to the dentist difficult!)

  13. ivplay says:

    Max – Toilet seats? huh?

    1. HLBB says:

      No, it was: “Even at the McDonald’s on the 401 which everyone who lives in Ontario knows is the nastiest bathroom on earth.”

      *faints*

  14. TheLeoGrl says:

    I can’t stand to watch people sneeze into their cupped hands over their mouth….who DOES that ever since SARS was discovered?! 0_o I will give this offender the hawk eye for the rest of the day to insure that I don’t touch anything that they have touched in my presence!

  15. Adonis says:

    I use to never like playing in dirt…

    I remember I was working for Bath & Body Works and I cut myself with a razor…

    I went to the hospital and as the doctor was putting on the stitches, I was fallin’ in & out of consciousness like half a b*tch…

    I just couldn’t stand the sight of my own blood leaving from me…

    I am weird as you Max, but not in the Squeamish sense…

    Just weird…

  16. iriediva says:

    Oh my god I sat here and read all these comments and now I want to throw up. And toilet seats max? Eww omg *dies* I squat over any toilet I’m not personally cleaning even my moms

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