So thanks to you – best readers ever – I topped what I did last year and am nominated for four Black Weblog Awards! You guys fucking rock. Now you know what to do right? Head over here to get instructions and whatnot and help me bring it home this year.
Most women don’t spend a lot of time thinking about mojo. Between their job, their friends, their workouts, their wardrobe, and their love life, there’s not a lot of bandwidth left over to devote to assessing the state of one’s mojo. Until it disappears of course.
There are very few greater tragedies in a woman’s life than the disappearance of her mojo. Not much makes you more vulnerable, more sucky, more needy and therefore more unattractive than not having that special blend of confidence and libido that adds up to mojo. Without your mojo, nothing you put on looks good. Without your mojo your flirty one-liners are met with Dr. J-esque blank stares. And without your mojo, you don’t have that extra little switch in your walk that brings all the boys to the yard.
A mojo-less life is a life not worth living.
But regaining your mojo when it’s gone is about as difficult as trying to get to President when you’re the Asshole. Just like in the card game (do you guys know what I’m talking about? Is this just a Canadian thing?) the chips are stacked heavily against you. But still you must persevere and do what you can to recover it.
And no that does not mean run out and have an affair with a corny-ass 20-year old with a bad Jamaican accent. It does not. As we’ve learned from a certain book based on real-life events, that is the wrong way to go about getting your mojo back. So what’s the right way? Read on.
1.Watch how you talk when you talk about it
I’m a big believer in not speaking that which I do not want into existence. In other words, I don’t like to goat mouth myself. So don’t go around running your mouth about how your mojo is gone and never coming back #noMelanieFiona. Personally when my mojo goes missing I keep it to myself and act as if it’s still there until it reappears. But if you have to lay low and gather your strength that’s okay too. Just don’t be on the phone with your girls talking about how you’re washed up and your hips will never switch when you walk ever again. That’s asking for trouble.
2. Um, get over yourself.
I’m assuming you’re self-aware enough to know what particular event led to the disappearance of your mojo. If you’re not, get off my blog and go read Eat Pray Love or something. Whatever it is – bad breakup, losing your job, trim gone awry, Brazilian wax you can’t get used to – either get over it or do something about it. We women like to whip ourselves into a frenzy of doubt and self-consciousness but please resist the urge. To paraphrase a wise man, you need to ask yourself if you really believe your strength lies in your ex/job/hair/pubes. Not to get all self-help on you, but if your mojo is completely dependent upon external factors again I urge you to go do something with your life and come back to this post when you’ve grown the fuck up. If you want mojo you have to feel yourself no matter what.
2. Get your workout on. Then get your Beyoncé on
I already schooled you on the wonders a fitness regime can do to your self esteem right? Not in that abstract “oh I am healthier and stronger and can accomplish anything” kinda way, but in that “I am sexy as FUCK when I’m all sweaty and in my post-workout glow” kinda way. Nothing bolsters a woman’s strength better than lifting heavy things while wearing skimpy clothes. So again – get off the phone with your girlfriend and hit the gym. Then put on a slutty dress and go out and act ratchet. Works like a charm.
5. Get under someone
Ooops I lied just now when I said nothing works better than working out to restore your mojo. One thing does and that is fucking. Why? Because sex is the answer to all our problems. Honestly what could make you feel sexier than making some man’s toes curl? Nothing I can think of. And since we all know women can just run out and get sex any time we want to, go get you some ASS and feel that mojo wash over you in waves. Actually now that I think of it, those waves washing over you might actually be an orgasm. But no matter – either way you’re winning.
And that’s it. My 5-step plan to restoring your mojo, should you be so lax as to let it slip away in the first place. Now I’m off to apply these to myself as mine has temporarily gone missing. And shoutout to the reader who suggested this topic.
But what do you guys think? Ladies have you ever lost your mojo? What do you do to get it back? Men – can you tell when a woman has lost her mojo? Discuss and shit in the comments.
And please don’t forget to vote for me to win a Black Weblog Award or four. If you don’t want me to be the Susan Lucci of black blogging, do me a favour and click here