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I don’t know if it’s something in the air or what, but lately I have been finding myself having far more disagreements with women than I care to participate in. Because despite my big mouth and…spicy personality, I really hate arguing with people. Max is a lover not a fighter and I tend to avoid confrontation unless I truly feel that beefing with someone will actually accomplish something.
This is just yet another of the many, many ways in which I differ from so-called normal women.
What these frequent and maddening disagreements has shown me is not what I’ve done wrong (as I’m sure these women hoped) but that women have a very fucked-up way of dealing with conflict. And since I have been tasked with showing women the error of their ways whenever I can, ladies today I give you a guide to arguing properly. Because lord knows you need it.
Men just sit back and read, you might gain some valuable insight. Because – like I always say – in the war of the sexes you must know thine enemy.
1. The ambush is not cool
One thing women love to do is raise their issues at the exact moment their man does not have time to deal with them. They seem to have an innate radar that tells them exactly when he is too busy to deal with their shit and that’s when they pounce. I once read a book in which a wife casually said to her husband “I feel like I am drowning in this marriage” just as he was walking out the door to go to a meeting with a group of Japanese businessmen. And she had the audacity to take the fact that he said “Oh. I didn’t know that. Can we talk about it later?” as evidence that he didn’t give a shit about her.
This is what women do, they drop a bomb on you while you’re driving, or when your gchat status is set to away. That way you stumble blindly in the argument and are completely embroiled in it before you’ve even had a chance to get your bearings.
Ladies, you do realize that if your point was all that valid you wouldn’t have to use these tactics right? There’s a reason why expressions like “we need to talk” were invented – to hip your unsuspecting victim to what’s about to go down. So make use of them and stop with the surprise attacks. It just makes men (and me) defensive.
3. How what I said made you feel is not really my fault
Ladies, please learn the difference between what I said and what you heard. Because they are not the same thing. Telling you to stop being bratty is not calling you a brat. Saying “ouch” when you sit on my arm is not calling you fat. You cannot hold people responsible for how you choose to process what they say. Unlike you, my beautiful, kind-hearted creatures, men (and I) have no problem telling you when we are too busy to deal with you. So interpreting my three-word response as evidence that I cannot be bothered to talk to you is…well it’s stupid, is what it is. And if you choose to do it anyway, you cannot then try to use it against me in an argument. Repeat after me: no one is responsible for how I internalize their words. I really can’t stress that enough.
Have you ever heard the expression “using swords against cobwebs”? Well this shit is that in reverse. In any dispute between two grown people, logic and facts (swords) are always going to trump feelings and assumptions (cobwebs). So if your
irrational feelings are the cornerstone of your position, you’re probably going to lose the argument. Keep a cool head and stick to your facts, if you have any.
4. Telling you the truth is not mean
I’m pretty sure you’ve been told this a time or two before ladies. Ask a question and you might get an honest answer. And if that should happen, please do not get yourself all up in arms about how mean we are. I know you all saw Love Jones and I know you all heard Darius say he “learned a long time ago never to ask a question [he] didn’t want to know the answer to”. Take a page out of his book with this ladies. If you say “Lately I feel like you have some type of problem with me” and I say “Well lately you’ve been annoying as shit so yes, I do have a problem” I am not an asshole for that. You asked and I answered. So make sure you’re ready before you go down the path.
2. Remember the statute of limitations
As far as I’m concerned there should be a maximum 24-hour window in which you are permitted to raise your issues after which you must forever shut the fuck up. The only time you should be sitting on a beef is if it arises in public; because public fighting is for low class hookers. Other than that, make yourself heard when you have a problem. Don’t expect your man (or me) to remember what to us is likely some niddly piddly bullshit weeks after the fact. Because the thing with men (and me) and line-stepping is that we know what we’re doing at the time, we might remember it
fondly the next day, but after that…it’s dust in the wind sweetheart. So I’m not going to be able to explain my actions of two weeks ago in the exquisite detail you so desire. Meaningless shit gets wiped from the memory pretty quickly.
Further to that ladies, I am officially forbidding you from revisiting past arguments that have already been settled. What kinda shit is that? What was the point of me enduring your bullshit argument two months ago, patting down your feathers, and making you see sense if all you’re gonna do is throw that shit in my face the next time you get your panties in a bunch? Think of it as a kind of relationship double jeopardy ladies. Once you’ve beaten a horse to death you cannot bring it back to life and ride it through your next argument.
5. Have a point other than “I need to get this off my chest”
#5 should have been #1 to me because it is the most egregious of all the egregious things women do in arguments.
Ladies, I’m going to keep it 100 with you and tell you this: Men (and I) really don’t care to know the inner workings of your mind. If you felt some type of way about something that he did, I urge you to make your best attempt to work that shit out on your own. Talk about it with your girlfriends; isn’t that what they’re for? Write about it
on your blog in your diary, book an emergency session with your therapist. Do what you need to work through your petty bullshit on your own. Once you’ve done that – and can I say on behalf of men (and myself) everywhere that we really appreciate you doing it – I’m gonna need you to do one more thing for me. Keep that shit to yourself.
See this is the thing I’ve noticed about ladies. The #1 way in which arguing with a woman is different than arguing with a man and hands-down the most annoying conversation to have with someone. When a woman says something like this:
“I just wanted you to know that when you said that Sofia Vergara is hotter than any 32-year-old you know, it really hurt my feelings because I thought you were saying she’s hotter than me. I talked about it with my friends and realized that you were just making a general statement, but I just had to get it off my chest that that really hurt me and crushed my soul”.
You know what men (and I) want to say in return?
If you’re over it, why am I listening to it? What was the point of you working through it on your own if I still have to hear
you whine about it? And furthermore, when I start to refute your illogic with facts, please do not retreat from the conversation with “I’m not going to get into this with you I just wanted to let you know what was on my mind.” NO! If you’re in it, be in it to win it please. Otherwise – and I apologize for being so rude – shut the fuck up.
At the end of the day, arguing is the devil’s pastime. It rarely accomplishes anything and no matter how it goes down, s/he who cares most usually loses. So I urge you to avoid it at all costs. However, I recognize that ladies love to argue because it makes you feel validated or something so if you’re going to proceed, please remember what I told you. Have a POINT when you air your grievance. Try to calm yourself so that I/your man can make sense of what you’re saying. Raise your issues in a timely manner before I’ve completely forgotten about them. Tell your man what he could have done differently so he can avoid having this conversation in the future. Before you open your mouth, envision how the conversation is going to go and ask yourself if it’s productive. If it’s not, please – for the love of Jessica Burciaga – miss us with it.
And to the ladies in my life who are steaming mad right now thinking that this post is #shotsfired, don’t think of it like that. Think of it as you inspiring me to be great. Doesn’t that feel better?
So ladies, what do you think? Are you guilty of any of these tactics? Do you think men are just as bad when they argue? Speak on it in the comments.
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