How to Argue (A Guide for Women)


So thanks to you – best readers ever – I topped what I did last year and am nominated for four Black Weblog Awards! You guys fucking rock. Now you know what to do right? Head over here to get instructions and whatnot and help me bring it home this year.

I don’t know if it’s something in the air or what, but lately I have been finding myself having far more disagreements with women than I care to participate in. Because despite my big mouth and…spicy personality, I really hate arguing with people. Max is a lover not a fighter and I tend to avoid confrontation unless I truly feel that beefing with someone will actually accomplish something.

This is just yet another of the many, many ways in which I differ from so-called normal women.

What these frequent and maddening disagreements has shown me is not what I’ve done wrong (as I’m sure these women hoped) but that women have a very fucked-up way of dealing with conflict. And since I have been tasked with showing women the error of their ways whenever I can, ladies today I give you a guide to arguing properly. Because lord knows you need it.

Men just sit back and read, you might gain some valuable insight. Because – like I always say – in the war of the sexes you must know thine enemy.

1. The ambush is not cool

One thing women love to do is raise their issues at the exact moment their man does not have time to deal with them. They seem to have an innate radar that tells them exactly when he is too busy to deal with their shit and that’s when they pounce. I once read a book in which a wife casually said to her husband “I feel like I am drowning in this marriage” just as he was walking out the door to go to a meeting with a group of Japanese businessmen. And she had the audacity to take the fact that he said “Oh. I didn’t know that. Can we talk about it later?” as evidence that he didn’t give a shit about her.

This is what women do, they drop a bomb on you while you’re driving, or when your gchat status is set to away. That way you stumble blindly in the argument and are completely embroiled in it before you’ve even had a chance to get your bearings.

Ladies, you do realize that if your point was all that valid you wouldn’t have to use these tactics right? There’s a reason why expressions like “we need to talk” were invented – to hip your unsuspecting victim to what’s about to go down. So make use of them and stop with the surprise attacks. It just makes men (and me) defensive.

3. How what I said made you feel is not really my fault

Ladies, please learn the difference between what I said and what you heard. Because they are not the same thing. Telling you to stop being bratty is not calling you a brat. Saying “ouch” when you sit on my arm is not calling you fat. You cannot hold people responsible for how you choose to process what they say. Unlike you, my beautiful, kind-hearted creatures, men (and I) have no problem telling you when we are too busy to deal with you. So interpreting my three-word response as evidence that I cannot be bothered to talk to you is…well it’s stupid, is what it is. And if you choose to do it anyway, you cannot then try to use it against me in an argument. Repeat after me: no one is responsible for how I internalize their words. I really can’t stress that enough.

Have you ever heard the expression “using swords against cobwebs”? Well this shit is that in reverse. In any dispute between two grown people, logic and facts (swords) are always going to trump feelings and assumptions (cobwebs).  So if your irrational feelings are the cornerstone of your position,  you’re probably going to lose the argument. Keep a cool head and stick to your facts, if you have any.

4. Telling you the truth is not mean

I’m pretty sure you’ve been told this a time or two before ladies. Ask a question and you might get an honest answer. And if that should happen, please do not get yourself all up in arms about how mean we are. I know you all saw Love Jones and I know you all heard Darius say he “learned a long time ago never to ask a question [he] didn’t want to know the answer to”. Take a page out of his book with this ladies. If you say “Lately I feel like you have some type of problem with me” and I say “Well lately you’ve been annoying as shit so yes, I do have a problem” I am not an asshole for that. You asked and I answered. So make sure you’re ready before you go down the path.

2. Remember the statute of limitations

As far as I’m concerned there should be a maximum 24-hour window in which you are permitted to raise your issues after which you must forever shut the fuck up. The only time you should be sitting on a beef is if it arises in public; because public fighting is for low class hookers. Other than that, make yourself heard when you have a problem. Don’t expect your man (or me) to remember what to us is likely some niddly piddly bullshit weeks after the fact. Because the thing with men (and me) and line-stepping is that we know what we’re doing at the time, we might remember it fondly the next day, but after that…it’s dust in the wind sweetheart. So I’m not going to be able to explain my actions of two weeks ago in the exquisite detail you so desire. Meaningless shit gets wiped from the memory pretty quickly.

Further to that ladies, I am officially forbidding you from revisiting past arguments that have already been settled. What kinda shit is that? What was the point of me enduring your bullshit argument two months ago, patting down your feathers, and making you see sense if all you’re gonna do is throw that shit in my face the next time you get your panties in a bunch? Think of it as a kind of relationship double jeopardy ladies. Once you’ve beaten a horse to death you cannot bring it back to life and ride it through your next argument.

5. Have a point other than “I need to get this off my chest”

#5 should have been #1 to me because it is the most egregious of all the egregious things women do in arguments.

Ladies, I’m going to keep it 100 with you and tell you this: Men (and I) really don’t care to know the inner workings of your mind. If you felt some type of way about something that he did, I urge you to make your best attempt to work that shit out on your own. Talk about it with your girlfriends; isn’t that what they’re for? Write about it on your blog in your diary, book an emergency session with your therapist. Do what you need to work through your petty bullshit on your own. Once you’ve done that – and can I say on behalf of men (and myself) everywhere that we really appreciate you doing it – I’m gonna need you to do one more thing for me. Keep that shit to yourself.

See this is the thing I’ve noticed about ladies. The #1 way in which arguing with a woman is different than arguing with a man and hands-down the most annoying conversation to have with someone. When a woman says something like this:

“I just wanted you to know that when you said that Sofia Vergara is hotter than any 32-year-old you know, it really hurt my feelings because I thought you were saying she’s hotter than me. I talked about it with my friends and realized that you were just making a general statement, but I just had to get it off my chest that that really hurt me and crushed my soul”.

You know what men (and I) want to say in return?


the FUCK

outta here

If you’re over it, why am I listening to it? What was the point of you working through it on your own if I still have to hear you whine about it? And furthermore, when I start to refute your illogic with facts, please do not retreat from the conversation with “I’m not going to get into this with you I just wanted to let you know what was on my mind.” NO! If you’re in it, be in it to win it please. Otherwise – and I apologize for being so rude – shut the fuck up.

At the end of the day, arguing is the devil’s pastime. It rarely accomplishes anything and no matter how it goes down, s/he who cares most usually loses. So I urge you to avoid it at all costs. However, I recognize that ladies love to argue because it makes you feel validated or something so if you’re going to proceed, please remember what I told you. Have a POINT when you air your grievance. Try to calm yourself so that I/your man can make sense of what you’re saying. Raise your issues in a timely manner before I’ve completely forgotten about them. Tell your man what he could have done differently so he can avoid having this conversation in the future.  Before you open your mouth, envision how the conversation is going to go and ask yourself if it’s productive. If it’s not, please – for the love of Jessica Burciaga – miss us with it.

And to the ladies in my life who are steaming mad right now thinking that this post is #shotsfired, don’t think of it like that. Think of it as you inspiring me to be great. Doesn’t that feel better?

So ladies, what do you think? Are you guilty of any of these tactics? Do you think men are just as bad when they argue? Speak on it in the comments.

And please don’t forget to vote for me to win a Black Weblog Award or four. If you don’t want me to be the Susan Lucci of black blogging, do me a favour and click here

bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 73

  1. iriediva says:

    Oh no I have a million different arguments in my head for u right now.matter fact I feel as if I wanna cut u but I’ma go take ur advice, calm down and think about it to make sure I have a point 🙂

  2. i love you for this post. effing great.

  3. organiker says:

    yes! thank you

  4. Larry says:

    100% on point!! It’s almost as if logic is kryptonite to some women. I especially feel your 2nd point (bullet point #3). I describe it in conversation with women by saying, “Your perception is not everyone else’s reality.” Or you can plainly just tell them you’re entitled to your own opinion, but you’re not entitled to your own facts.

  5. kookie says:

    Guilty as charged for all five points at some point in my life if not this year alone. That is not to say that I don’t spot my own b.s but I continue to do it because that’s my learned behavior. I’m trying to be better though because as I get older I see all these points not only when I do it but when my friends do it. It aggravates me no end, so I can only imagine how much it feels like death to a man.

    Having said that, some men need to recognize that not all conversations are trivial. So when a topic comes up don’t trivialize it and ridicule it because you don’t think its worth discussing. Then go on the defensive once valid points (facts) are raised and then become rude or belligerent to shut the entire argument down. Oh and please don’t speak to me like I’m a 5yr old with learning difficulties. I can understand your point but as free thinking intelligent woman I can also choose to disagree with it.

    The problem with both sexes though is we forget that having an argument requires nothing more than people with opposing opinions to get their point across and understood, instead of going into it to win points or get the other person to concede.

  6. KB says:

    Not Guilty. The main issue I have whenever arguments occur with the Women (and sissy ass males) around me is their inability to stay on topic. They always bring up the past or start taking “shots” at me. Belittling my intelligence and attacking my character instead of trying to solve whatever issue it is at hand. Simple arguments turn ugly due to their fictional facts and the power of their pride. Everything becomes pointless thanks to the constant addition of irrelevancy used to prove ONE point. You have to remind them “no, you’re opinion does not count as a fact“. Another issue…when they allow trouble to drag on for days when shit could’ve been handled in 5mins. Basically, I dislike it when people make something so simple unnecessarily complex. When I was born I wasn‘t given the power to read minds, call it an unfortunate disability of mine -_- “It could all be so simple, but you rather make it hard” Congrats on the nominations max!

  7. Martin says:

    Max, just my personal view but you seem to try awfully hard to come across as a (blogger) male’s dream girl. I mean in reality you are just an average, dark skinned, should length hair having black chick – but online you read the top generic ‘black male’ blogs and mold yourself into the anti of whatever rant-about-females post they write. It’s kinda amusing but also kind of sad.

    In the words of DARIA (Don’t laugh) why don’t you go sit in a corner and try to be original….


    1. Malik says:

      This was funny reading this after KB because instead of critiquing her character to say something about her character, you critiqued her looks to say something about her character.

      1. KB says:

        Point Proven!!! lol

    2. Malik says:

      Also, this is funny considering Max’s most commented post is probably the one where she (wrongly) refutes the premise that it’s easier for women to have casual sex than men.

    3. max says:

      Martin, my darling, my sweetheart, that’s about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

      A male blogger’s dream girl? Get the fuck out of here. First of all, no male blogger wants to date a female blogger, let’s get that straight right off the bat. Secondly, no male blogger wants to date a woman who openly talks about how she’s a line-stepper, how she’s not mad at eating ass, how she doesn’t believe in monogamy, and how she has a thing for other women’s men. Trust me on that.

      Like I said in some post on here that you probably never read because you’re clearly brand new, I’m the kind of woman that men think they want, but they actually don’t. And that’s because I loudly and lawlessly tell the truth. And I’m funny as shit (another thing no male blogger wants).

      Listen – if you don’t like what I have to say, that’s cool. Although I question what is going on in your life that you have time to write rude and facety comments attempting to insult someone you don’t know rather than closing the tab and keeping it moving. But do me a favour and make some fucking sense when you come on here.

      Thanks for commenting though. Hope you voted for me.


      1. SmartFoxGirl says:

        LOL this is exactly what I was thinking. I know from first hand experience that talking about your s.ex life on a blog and being funny as sh*t is not loved by male bloggers. Even though I haven’t always been your biggest fan, I have never taken you for anything less than authentic and real. On top of all of that, you’re an excellent writer and you have the best personal blog I’ve read which is why I voted for you in that category. We (readers) don’t have to agree with everything a blogger writes. If my little 2 cents count, with blunt honesty comes blunt hate. Anytime a man/woman/shim cuts into somebody’s appearance to make a point, you already know the quality of the person. Let it roll of your back.

        1. I’m oblivious to the goings-on behind the blogging scenes…why do people say male bloggers don’t like a woman blogger who’s funny & talks about sex? Is that an inside joke? An actual genuine sentiment shared by many? Let me know.

    4. Slim Jackson says:

      These types of comments bring me out from lurksville because they don’t add any value or productive feedback. You’re entitled to your opinion, but it sounds like you have a personal gripe that would be better addressed via email. By the way, what magazine were you on the cover of?

    5. Kema says:

      I dont know… He is getting a lot of likes for his comment. lol!

      I dont agree with his attack method…. I think the likes are because everone else is cosigning another post about what women should do and this one is different.

      “but that women have a very fucked-up way of dealing with conflict.”

      How about they deal with conflict the way WOMEN deal with conflicts. That doesnt make it wrong… just different.

      1. LaLaBakir says:

        He could’ve liked his own comment

        1. Kema says:

          7 times? (he may have) lol! Nah… I think it those not willing to dissent but wanting to leave a mark.

          1. max says:

            It’s probably the women I’ve been beefing with who inspired this post.


    6. This person posting here, yes, Martin you…

      I think this is really one of the chicks who lurks here, or comments under the name of a bird. Because a few things about this are not adding up.

      Plus I don’t know any men who would quote Daria. Correction, I don’t know any straight men.

      1. Martin says:

        1. I’m a male
        2. I found this blog just the other day, I tend to read blogs like blackgirlsareeasy, and SBM.
        3. Reading her blog was like reading a generic blueprint for anti-whatever any male blogger complains about regarding women (which for the most part is generic and the same things over and over)
        4. Don’t hate on Daria.
        5. The ‘likes’ for my comment speak for themselves, and the fact that she has to delude herself into thinking they’re from her ‘haters’ – babe they are most likely from your most supportive followers.

        1. max says:

          Today is your lucky day Martin, do you know why? Because right now I am working on the most epic thing I’ve done in my career and I only have about 5 seconds to devote to you and the hard-on you so obviously have for me.

          So rather than transcribing the diatribe that is brewing in my head I’m gonna ask you again why you keep commenting on here when you so obviously don’t like my blog. Are you starved for attention? Did you not get enough hugs growing up?

          1. Greg says:

            I think the best thing to ask is #whohurtyou?

            And I’m a male blogger and I love a funny open woman, so I don’t know what males bloggers you know, but you should un-know them lol

        2. He ain’t say he was straight though…

      2. GirlSixx is ChloeRayne516 says:

        I think you might be right..

    7. RedLady821 says:

      Martin, In the words of my 15 year old, “Fuck Up…hater”.

      1. Martin says:

        Yawn @ ghetto e-trash playing knight for some random blogger.

        It’s pretty sad really; most bloggers before the attention-craving crowd took over used to be able to handle negative comments. Now it’s all hitler like, can’t take someone not kissing your ass max? lol

        Anyway, peace skanks.

        1. RedLady821 says:

          You know nothing about my pedigree.

        2. CF8 says:

          You didn’t give negative comments, you dismissed her looks and made a snide comment about plagiarising thoughts.

          Perhaps if you commented what exactly you didn’t like about the post and not made it personal you’d have a point.

          Just a thought/’negative comment’

  8. Tisha says:

    Max…I feel like you have been witnessing my life the last couple of weeks w/ your posts. I have a friend that argues EXACTLY like above. 3 days later she tells me something I said upset her. I can barely remember what I had for breakfast how am I supposed to remember what I said to you in a conversation days ago?? Right now I’ve been placed on a “freeze” a la The Day The Lights Went Dark post LOL.

    1. max says:

      Oh boy. You’re in trouble now. But your girl better be careful with that freeze tactic; you might just stop giving a shit and not be there when she gets over her issues.

  9. Fonzarelli says:

    I just fell in love with you and I will posting this to FB

    1. max says:

      Ohhh thank you!

  10. This post was epic. Truly epic. And honestly it was something women need to take heed to.

    I don’t know who the fuck Martin is, but I hope your first and last name isn’t in your email address because at least Max knows now.

    1. Martin says:

      My email address used on blogs is a generic one that has nothing to do with me, my email for work is my name. And my first name isn’t even Martin, that’s my middle name. Not everyone is as vapid as you are little one.

      1. You responded to each of my comments and i’m vapid?

        Also, I don’t even comment under my pen name or have my name in my email address. So basically that was an indication of the type of person I take you for.

        You trolling right now.

  11. GREAT list. This should be posted in all places where large numbers of women congregate.

    Men aren’t innocent of fuckery when it comes to arguments, but women aren’t either. not by a long shot.

  12. LaLaBakir says:

    Good shit Maximus!

    I dislike arguing. I honestly can’t remember the last time I’ve gotten into an arguement…with anyone.

    Anyways, arguements usually occur because someone is reflecting their insecurities onto you.

  13. Shani says:

    I must admit (hanging my head in shame) that I have been guilty of committing some of these offenses in my life (w/ men, I don’t bother argue w/ females…nother story) Can I blame ignorance? Thanks for the knowledge! You are gonna get me right dropping gems like this girl! xxxo

  14. Dash Two Timez says:

    This sh*t right here n*gga is the truth. Women will come out of the blue trying to discuss an issue that happened in November of 2009. I have a hard time feigning interest in month old beefs. Miss me with the ancient sh*t. I am not a historian.

    1. BP says:

      “Miss me with the ancient sh*t. I am not a historian.”

      I found this hilarious! #thatisall

  15. BP says:

    This list is hotness! Oh and I guffawed at you telling “Martin” that you hoped he voted for you…what a douche canoe!!! *cackles*

  16. Slim Jackson says:

    That sh*t with hitting me up when I’m in the middle of something is the pits. it’s egregious to say the least. I did have a question though. How does a woman differentiate between “I need to keep this petty bullsh*t to myself” and I need to speak speak up on this? The other thing that made me slightly nervous was advising to go talk to the home It needs to be right home girl. Bad intel will f*ck up a whole operation.

    Good post.

    1. MeteorMan says:

      I was wondering that too. I’ve met women where everything was an emergency. I think it speaks more to those types. That’s when you WISH she used a lifeline and phone-a-friend.

      And yes, sometimes those “girlfriends” be giving all kinds of messed up advice. So you can just hope she’s able to sort through it, but you know women don’t tell the WHOLE story. They’ll act of some advice sprung from a string of half-truths.

    2. GirlSixx is ChloeRayne516 says:

      It needs to be right home girl. Bad intel will f*ck up a whole operation.

      This is truth for the most part but sometimes your girls can actually talk you off that ledge, we just gotta make sure it ain’t the bitter bunny of the bunch that we are talking to.


  17. SmartFoxGirl says:

    EXCELLENT. I’m guilty of #2. This is a really good topic that we need. I don’t think anyone can really be “good” at arguing but there’s definitely a way to do it. Some ways just don’t work. I’ve learned this slowly over time and it’s still a work in progress. I have 2 sides to me when arguing: a) I hate to argue with someone I care about which will bring on tears and sad emotion b) I get angry when I feel like I’m being played with/insulted. Funny thing is, I’m pretty emotional which can trump my logic except when I’m angry. I can be sad in arguments, cry, etc but when I’m really pissed…like level 10 angry, all my feelings ball up into one big sword which can cut. I narrow in on the topic and go in. This is something that I had to work on in relationships. As a woman, I can’t battle a man this way. It’s really difficult to argue with a man. This post is spot on. If we (women) are trying to get our points across, we need to figure out an affective way to do that with men because I find they shut down when we do the above you mentioned.

  18. M says:

    OMG! I feel like this is just too true. my mind is blown by the truth in this blog. The one I especially hate is when females comment on something from a LIFETIME ago. and it’s always in some snide little way where they try to “casually” throw it in the conversation. Get all the way up out of here with that! Either approach me about the issue THEN or don’t mention it! smh will be sharing this post with a LOT of friends …

  19. Can’t co-sign the keep it to yourself/talk it out with your girls. If I’m in a relationship, and I have an issue with my dude, I’m coming to my dude immediately. The only reason we would get into an argument is if he chooses not to listen. Or, if he chooses to run to his boys or cheat instead of talking to me. I’m not a fan of arguing, not at all. So, don’t do anything to make me have to go there with you. Problem solved…

    1. melissa says:

      i agree with this. i might tell my girlfriends after the fact, but if the dude is doing something that makes me feel a ways, i’m going to let him know. NOT to start an argument, but to ensure open communication. why keep things bottled or stifled up? and even worse, tell my gfs before him? if it’s something petty like how he chews his food, of course, i’m all for dealing with that myself. but if it’s something that he does have control over (aka not calling/texting back, which i know is a guy thing but i think is super inconsiderate), i will say something. i’m not going to just deal with that.

    1. streetztalk says:

      My biggest issue is dropping a “unreadiness” on me while I’m busy or can’t tackle it. I hate emails and texts about serious issues. Call me and talk to me about it!! I’m all for discussion, but it’s hard for me as a man to discuss feelings. I do my best and I’m respectful, but if I feel a convo is ridiculous I might could tune out, lol

  20. What more can I say? Great post Max.

    “The only time you should be sitting on a beef is if it arises in public; because public fighting is for low class hookers.”

  21. Reecie says:

    I agree with Nia (as usual) I think bringing stuff to friends can make things worse. and I don’t have to “argue”, but I’m gonna bring up something that is important to me, letting things fester is worse for MY mental so, yeah. I do think it takes a level of discernment to determine what is important to address and what you should keep to yourself. “shutting the fuck up” is an art form that I can admit I have not yet fully mastered. lol I really really need to internalize #3.

    I think the busy line is often a cop out for not wanting to deal with real issues too, but I do respect people’s time and if they truly don’t have the time at the moment to discuss real shit.

  22. MeteorMan says:

    I think this even tops the other post!

    #6: When a man walks away from arguing. DO NOT get more aggressive (verbally, physically). Give him some space to cool off and think it over. There’s a MUCH better chance that he’ll address or make a decision out of genuine interest in the relationship if you give him time to absorb the situation rather than provoking him.

    1. streetztalk says:

      THIS!!! Son I couldn’t say any better!

  23. melissa says:

    i’m guilty of pulling an ambush, unintentionally. and i say unintentionally because sometimes there is never a good time bring up a heavy topic. and while i’m all for being straight minded and saying, “when you’re free, we need to talk,”sometimes just saying that, if it’s not a good time, it’s considered an ambush. and very often, its the reaction to “we need to talk” that causes the argument. when the walls go up in defense, that’s when the argument begins.

    but even if you’re just sitting on the couch and you bring something up, it’s not a good time. now you just ruined tv time. if you’re eating dinner, now you just ruined dinner. if you’re in bed, now you’ve just ruined either bedtime or the day ahead.

    and sometimes you end up waiting and waiting for a good time and it just never seems to come. that’s when you just have to spit it out, whenever or wherever that may be.

  24. RedLady821 says:

    This was a good post. I can’t remember the last time I had an argument with one of my female friends and I don’t usually argue with Mr. Red (I just recently got let out of time out tho).

    I thik it’s good advice, hopefully more women will read it, but if not, they will understand as they mature.

  25. IrieDiva says:

    lol now that i’ve taken a breather…im just kidding this post was great. i hate arguments too all my friends will tell you Mo is not the confrontational one at all. What i hate the most is, and i think someone said it in their comments, is the whole you not sticking to the point thing. how did we get to ugly or fat or ghetto or any of that, what does it have to do with your point. you cant back it up so you start to attack character or say stupid shit like “go suck u modda” yeah i’m out

    i think my fault is definitely biting my tongue far too often then i blow up when the straw comes.

  26. GirlSixx is ChloeRayne516 says:

    I don’t like to argue but if provoked — yeah I will go extra hard with my mouf, but one thing I don’t do is pull out my mental file cabinet because 9 times outta 10 it was already dealt with. I tend to deal in the presence, I have a male friend who does this ish though on the regular, he loves bringing up ole shyte; me I can’t be bothered, I don’t RECYCLE…


  27. Wu Young says:

    Great post Max!

    There’s only one thing less cool than an ambush when you’re busy… an ambush when you’re asleep!

    1. Tiny says:

      Very true

  28. Liguanea says:

    Is it really fair to label this as solely female behaviour? Aren’t you essentially advocating for women to adapt to male behaviour as opposed to working out a happy middle ground with their mate/friends?

    1. The ambush is not cool
    Agreed. However, as someone stated earlier, there is never a good time to broach a difficult topic. The scenario you used, in my opinion, occurs with both genders. Quite often the person who is too busy tends to be unresponsive to the feelings of their partner or outright avoids discussing issues that are important to their partner. I’ve never encountered a woman or man who consistently engages in the employment of such tactics. Its appearance is usually tied to an unhealthy dynamic in the relationship, that one partner feels compelled to address. If someone is consistently being ignored of course they will act out.

    3. How what I said made you feel is not really my fault
    Don’t you think you’re being a bit disingenuous with this statement? Was this meant as a conversation starter? I find it hard to believe that anyone would agree with this. If someone referred to you as being bratty or petulant in the midst of what you perceived to be an honest discussion, would you not be offended? The person who makes that statement is at that moment trying to belittle the other person. When we communicate with others, particularly those we care for and know, we have to be cognizant of their feelings. Communication is difficult for that exact reason. When you say something you have to attempt to anticipate how the other person may respond. Now if you don’t care just say that.

    4. Telling you the truth is not mean
    I agree with this wholeheartedly but not with the example you provided.
    If you say “Lately I feel like you have some type of problem with me” and I say “Well lately you’ve been annoying as shit so yes, I do have a problem” I am not an asshole for that.

    The person, man or woman, approached you with a reasonable inquiry. What need is there for a caustic response? There question wasn’t antagonizing. If you respond that way, in my opinion it implies you want an argument.

    2. Remember the statute of limitations
    I agree with this only if both parties agreed the issue was settled. Some men pretend as if they don’t care about these things but they do. The night she went out with her girls but she wouldn’t pick up her phone or answer a text until she got back home, is something that he may immediately address with her. She’ll give an explanation that may or may not be satisfactory to him. If it is not, he will pretend that he has accepted it because he wants to show he is a big strong man and doesn’t want anyone to know that he actually has insecurities. So what will he do? 2 months later, if given the opportunity, he will do the same to her or worse. Incite an argument with her about something else but have that prior incident serve as his rocket fuel. We all suppress our feelings at some point or another. Why do you think men engage in random acts of violence or all of sudden come to work one day and shoot up the building?

    5. Have a point other than “I need to get this off my chest”
    If you’re someone’s friend or significant other this comes with the job. The scenario you used is just her stating that she has image issues. That’s ok. Is it crazy for me as her man to think maybe I shouldn’t do that around her right now? I don’t think so.

    Quite frankly the problem with arguing, is that no one, man or woman, wants to take responsibility for their words. People want to be jerks and have that laissez faire attitude when it comes to peoples feelings but they can’t handle the potential consequences, permanent disengagement, loss of feelings or isolation.

    The other problem I find is that people think that their feelings alone are valid. You’re right in saying that women often do that, but in depicting the male side, maybe this was your purpose, you’ve also revealed that men are guilty of the same thing. In fact, it has to have been your purpose, as no example you provided related to an argument over an abstract topic or one that would require no interpretation.

    Sorry for the long reply.

    1. MeteorMan says:

      Haha! Good replies! Though the “validity” of feelings is such a wavy thing.

      People will use what you said to manipulate things to their advantage. For example, someone could use the fact that their SO doesn’t know all the facts of a situation in order to render her argument invalid even though they know that their SO’s feelings align with the facts.

      I think emotional influence is important. Though one cannot always consider another person as the only source of the influence. Sometimes people are really having emotional reactions to a scenario they played over and over in their heads and end up turning something meant to be a kind gesture into a malicious act.

      1. Liguanea says:

        I hear you. I think what I’m saying is that its a bit silly for anyone to try and apply logic to conversations about feelings. Conversations and arguments pertaining to emotions should not be about winning, they should be about hopefully reaching a resolution. That may not always happen but I do think it should be the sole aim. When an argument or conversation about emotions devolves into a debate, everyone involved is a loser.

    2. Ooh La La says:

      I agree. Although I believe that sometimes women can sometimes be irrational about certain things, I hate that men discount our feelings about situations. Logic and emotion are not mutually exclusive. And sometimes men won’t admit that even they can have some kind of feeling about an issue and passively go along as if everything is okay when it’s not. Just be understanding. While you have every right to call me out on being irrational about a situation, I have every right to say that you are being completely insensitive. I just wish that if it must come to an argument, can’t we at least try to see where the other person is coming from?

  29. Adonis says:

    (Tried to vote again today… But to no avail, oh well…)

    Thanks to LaLaBakir, I heard y’all were getting it poppin today…

    Although I agree with the post & all its valor (hopefully I am using this word in the right context…)

    Eventually men have to learn how to be masculine, & be able to connect/relating with their woman emotionally if we are going to have some awesome relationships,

    in the same way that women need to learn when it is appropriate to be a woman around their man, and then pull their d*cks out when they are at work, or in non-relationship settings…

    Stay Thirsty My Friends…

  30. Teflon says:

    I agree with your list, but I know I’ve been guilty of this a few times. Can’t help it, don’t try too hard to change (because I believe you should love me and all my triflin’ ways). But my man has the remedy to all of that. That bamma is allergic to arguments, lol. His eyes just glaze over and I realize I’m talking to the Auto Pilot. SMH, eventually I just huff off and make dinner.

  31. KAPSpecial says:

    Sigh. My biggest argument pet peeve generally is when someone’s entire goal is to get me to see and believe things EXACTLY as they do. Umm…we’re two different people and while we probably have things in common, we probably will not completely agree on every topic or issue. That should not come as a surprise. Can we agree to disagree?!?! I am also not one for circular conversations. I may go around the bend once as a courtesy, but after that I’m ending the conversation.

  32. WinterSundays says:

    Great post!! I am sharing on fb and twitter! #thoughtprovoking

  33. CF8 says:

    The ambush is soooooo not cool, ever!

    I also believe one shouldn’t ask if one doesn’t really want to know the truth, and it’s true some people treat someone bein honest as one bein mean, but… occasionally some people can tell the truth in a dickish manner and then wonder why the other person is annoyed. Occasionally, though

  34. C.D. says:

    Woodstocks (read: chicks trying to communicate, but not saying anything intelligible) are the absolute worst!! While your list is so dead on, it’s mildly incomplete. You forgot to mention the one who keeps changing the argument each time your actual logic threatens to destroy her emotionally driven rant.

    My “friend” actually stopped speaking to me for a month because I missed a date we made to go to the gym- this was after she cancelled/forgot three times- and I had no idea why. When we finally talked about it, by the end of the conversation the “issue” went from the missed gym date, to me not having time for her, to my life being more important than hers in my own mind, to me looking down on her because I’m more “religious.” WHAT THE HECK ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?!…
    Here’s what: Nothing, Woodstock, you’re dismissed.

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