Romancing Your Man

19
May
2011
lovelife_6-tricks-to-make-your-man-crazy-in-love-with-you-200x200

Yesterday I read a post by the beautiful @GemoftheOcean where she talked about being deprived of romance. I totally felt her on it, because I've almost never experienced it myself. And judging from the comments there are a whole lot of women out there are in the same boat. We see romance in the movies, listen to singers croon about it. We watch romantic proposals on TLC and read great blog posts about scavenger hunts that culminate in proposals, but that shit never happens to us. Most women are jonesing for a lot more romance in their lives.


 

For the rest of the day I thought and thought about it. I wondered why there is such a dearth of romance in relationships. I thought of every woman I know and tried to count how many of them had ever told me a story of something really romantic that a man has done for them. There weren’t many.

But then, almost against my will my brain turned to thinking of all the men I know. And I started to count all the times a man has ever told me a story of something romantic a woman has done for him and I realized that the only sotires I know of men who have been the recipient of romantic gestures are my exes.

In other words, I’m the only woman I know who has ever done anything romantic for a man.

Back in the days before my heart calcified into a tiny petrified stone rattling around in my chest I was Mr. Romance (props to you if you can tell me who I am quoting when I call myself that). Blue roses on Valentine’s Day, spontaneous gifts strategically hidden so that he finds them when he least expects it, cards and notes just to say “I love you” or “Good luck today”. I did all of that. Because my mission in life was to make my man feel like he won the lottery the day he wifed me down.  So I made sure that Mr. Max got a Hollyw0od-esque grand gesture on a regular basis.

The thing is though that – as sweet and thoughtful as these moves were – those men could not really have cared less. Because that’s girl romance and it just doesn’t have the same effect on men as man-romance does. And it’s not that men don’t want or need romantic gestures, it’s just that a man’s definition of romance is wildly different from a woman’s.

For a woman, romance is the big flashy gestures. It involves flowers or gifts, dates for which you have to dress up,  restaurants where the napkins are linen and not paper. It’s public declarations of undying affection and long evenings spent cuddling and gazing lovingly into one another’s eyes. That’s what gets most womens’ motors running.

For men though, romance is very different. It’s much more practical and much less airy-fairy. It’s less about spending quality time together and more about facilitating him doing what he wants to do. And I think that when it comes to romancing a man, most women don’t have the first clue how to go about it.

So allow me, my dear readers, to school you on how to romance your man in ways he actually gives a shit about.

1. Dress Up for Him

Every man has something he likes to see his wifey in. For some men it’s a t-shirt and no panties, for others it’s a prim suit and glasses with her hair in a bun. Some freaky cats are into French maid uniforms, men who listen to Drake are into sweatpants, hair tied, chilling with no makeup on. Smart and efficient men like to see you naked. Whatever it is your man likes, let him see it ladies. There is nothing wrong with strategically arranging yourself on the couch so that your naked body in all its glory is the first thing he sees when he walks through the door. Nothing at all. Showing up to your man’s place in a trench coat with nothing underneath may be a cliche, but that doesn’t mean he’s not going to want to see it. And never, ever – ever – underestimate the power of keeping your heels on during sex. That is full of win.

2. Serve the drinks and leave the room

I’m of the opinion that if it’s your man’s turn to host boys’ night it’s your turn to exit stage left. But I know a lot of you ladies do not appreciate being forced to evacuate your home and not being there to see who is putting their dutty feet up on your couch or resting drinks on your table without a coaster. I can respect that. But if you’re going to stay home while he’s watching football with the fellas, instead of squinging yourself on the couch in the middle of them because you “like football too”, why not make yourself useful and make sure everyone’s plate is full and the drinks are flowing. I know that Gloria Steinem and her band of merry women did not burn their bras so you could quietly serve your man and his ingrate friends but hey we’re being romantic here right? And what’s more romantic for a man than being able to show off how well-trained his wifey is? Not much I can think of.

3. Surprise him with smut

As previously discussed, nothing brightens a gloomy day like smut. It will kick off the blues quicker than The Foreign Exchange, trust me on this. So the next time you’re at work thinking of your guy and how much you love and appreciate him, instead of sending him that sappy text telling him how lucky you are to have him, do this: get up, shut your door, pull down your pants, and take a picture of your pussy. Send it to him. That will make him smile way harder than any words you could text.

4. The halftime blow job

At the risk of oversharing, I’ll tell you right now that the halftime blow job is a staple at my house. Think about it – when your man is home alone watching the game, he’s probably not doing much else. He needs to focus and, unlike women, that doesn’t mean just watching when the game is in play. It means watching the pre-game, the commercials, the replays, and the post-game. It’s a process and he must immerse himself in it. However, this does not mean that he does not want head. Men always want head and if yours doesn’t you probably have a bigger problem than a lack of romance on your hands. So why not help him multi-task by blessing the mic during the halftime report? He gets the best of both worlds and there’s not much more man-romantic than that. Just make sure you stay low and try not to moan too much – he needs to be able to see and hear everything.

2. Feed him, fuck him, and shut the fuck up

I know you think you’re really doing something when your man comes home after a bad day and you’re there waiting for him with a sympathetic smile and an offer to rub his back. And I’m sure he really appreciates it – if that’s all that’s on the table. But instead why not try having a meal ready and waiting for him? Let him eat it and do not talk him to death while he does so. After he eats, let him digest and then jump his bones. Let him fuck you any way he wants to and then miss him with all that post-coitus pillow talk you love so much. Let him sleep – and don’t even think about making him cuddle. Now that’s romance.

So there you go ladies. I cannot help you with this epidemic of men not romancing you, but I have given you everything you need to romance your man. So tell me – what do you think of my ideas? Are any of these moves already in your repertoire?  Is this really what men consider romance or having I been messing with nothing but bad seeds? Men how do you like to be romanced? Speak on it in the comments?

And please don’t forget to vote for me to win a Black Weblog Award or four. If you don’t want me to be the Susan Lucci of black blogging, do me a favour and click here



46 Comments

  • MsEvaHoney says:

    I love this Max! Too tired to leave a good comment but job well done.

  • Sade says:

    I’m kind of ashamed that I agree with everything you’ve said. It goes against all my feminist tendencies but every once in a while, men need to feel like they have a 50s wife. As long as my man knows that there is a price for me feeding him, fucking him and then shutting the fuck up ;)

  • this post right here is so full of win. i’ll take all 5 of those points you posted like today.

    “For men though, romance is very different. It’s much more practical and much less airy-fairy.”

    this is so true. most women don’t really know how to be romantic in a way that a man would appreciate.

    ” I was Mr. Romance (props to you if you can tell me who I am quoting when I call myself that)”

    bill bellamy in love jones?

  • ivplay says:

    Well done. Agree full hundred =)

  • Gemmie says:

    max!!! thanks for the shout out, love. and i love love love that my post on romance inspired THIS post!!!

    your list if full of win!!!!! most of these things i have done and the boo piece on the receiving end was certainly surprised, grateful and satisfied! though i dont think it always has to revolve around sex (though physical intimacy is clearly important and priority to most men in relationships), i do think that all your suggestions are on the right track to romancing a dude. basically us not being on some typical chick logic/emo tip.

    men and women definitely have different ideas of romance so i think its important each gender go out of their way (just a weency teency bit) to make sure their mate knows that you “love them some him/her”.

  • Bumblebee_C says:

    Again, very great post. I REALLY concur with the halftime blow job. I tried it once while my ex/friend was watching a college football game. He can remember that being one of the best games he’s watched. Sidebar, I appreciate that Foreign Exchange reference!! I sooo love that group!

  • Renè says:

    The “….men who listen to Drake are into sweatpants, hair tied, chilling with no makeup on.” had me laughing.
    Oh Drake! Always the weirdo

    I need to work on Feed him fuck him shut the fuck up as well. Not an area I’m good at since I’m very talkative.

  • Larry says:

    No arguments here. Great list!

  • Malik says:

    This is the greatest post in Max’s history. Every single sentence is perfection.

  • Muze says:

    hilarious that i once wrote a poem for women called “feed him, f*ck him, and shut the f*ck up.” hahahaha. every time i performed it men gave a standing ovation. lol.

    this list is a win. from reading this, i feel i have pretty much mastered the art of being roMANtic. yaay. lol.

    i need to email this to a friend who got roses sent to her man’s job and was upset that he didn’t appreciate it as much as she would have. ummm … lol. they’re flowers. sent to his law firm. what the heck. lol. that’s sweet but not man-sweet.

    i think other romantic things you can do for your Him are…

    -make his favorite meal and watch his fav show with him
    -show up at his office for lunch time coitalness.
    -dance sexily for him
    -sing to him
    -buy him tickets to his a game of his fav teams. … and don’t insist on going unless he requests your presence.
    -give him a pedicure if he neglects his feet. same with manicure.
    -when he gets home from work and asks about your day, don’t spend the next half hour talking. give a man answer “it was okay.” lol.
    -buy him a madden video game if he’s into that (warning… you might not see him for 3 hour chunks at a time and frat brothers/boys/cousins may show up for serious “tournaments” ever so often).

    that’s all i can think of off the top of my head. good post!

  • Studley says:

    Amazing! Fu*king Amazing!

  • LaLaBakir says:

    Nice post Maxie! All points are excellent and totally doable.

    “my heart calcified into a tiny petrified stone rattling around in my chest” <—-The Grinch? LOL!!! I have the image of them showing his tiny rotten heart on The Grinch Who Stole Christmas

  • Sam Sharpe says:

    I was so, so, so prepared to disagree with something on this list…But I can’t (though I have received flowers from women a couple of times and it did make me feel shiny)…

    ..To use sporting references, this post is clutch. It is Michael Jordan shooting a jumper for the win, Joe Montana to Jerry Rice, Mariano Rivera….and ladies/people if you don’t know what I’m talking about you probably don’t have a man or you’re 14 and are waaaaay too young to be ready maxie’s blog….

    …Special shout out to points #1 and #4 on the list.

  • funms says:

    You are so right…..i’ve done the whole cutesy romance…i will make little notes and vouchers for massages etc….randomly text and all but the times i’ve received a huge grin and excitement is when i tried a few things on your list.

    I agree, men view romance in a different light than we do….though it won’t hurt to meet a man that will send me flowers, love notes, all those things we read in MIlls and Boon novels growing up :)

  • RedLady821 says:

    Yep…you’re a keeper Max! LOL.

  • MeteorMan says:

    Max, can we have this post in chain email form? Something to the effect: If you don’t want to world to end in May 21st, you’ll send this to every woman in your contact list, NOW. I’m joking… Kinda…

    Bomb post!

  • GirlSixx is ChloeRayne516 says:

    wow Max.

    Had no idea you could be the mushy type. #WelliBeDamned

    Very Good List!!!

  • Flyy says:

    Yess and three finger snaps for the kids on this list… I’m proud to say that I am Mr. Romance. Lol. All those things on your list… been in the toolbox. Added an add-on from Muze upthread and I’m ready to go. I will admit though, I do have a tendency to also add other little things like the notes, e-cards, little gifts, etc. I think I do those things b/c that’s what I like. And my momma told me if you show him, he will follow… lol. Either way… I handle mineS. Lol. And I definitely do it because “mission in life was to make my man feel like he won the lottery the day he wifed me down.”

    *standing ovation*

  • Malik says:

    This post has confirmed to me that every dude in Canada is wack as fuck for not trying to wife Max at this point.

  • Alissa says:

    Max!!! Thanks for the shoutout. That made my day!!! I loved this post.

    Yes, for years I was trying to romance guys with the kind of romance I wanted and most of the time it was just a #FAIL. Lol. And when I think about it, maybe some men tried to romance me the way they liked to be romanced and that was a #FAIL as well. (Especially when they sent unsolicited pictures ala your number 3 smh! lol).

    I say never underestimate the power of dressing up. I get real comfortable, real quick with a guy in terms of feeling the need to look nice. But, it’s important to look your best – if for no other reason than you wanna look better than every other chick he has seen that day haha. Besides, like in my case, you never know if that’s the day your beau will pop the question! Def wanna be cute for that.

  • Nickel_Slikk says:

    *stands and claps for max and muze* if there was a girlfriend/wifey of the year award, you two would definitly win. #thatisall

  • Adonis says:

    Good Advice…

    I will put two (or four) more votes in for you later… Later

  • TWIsM says:

    Can you please make this a T-Shirt and sell this? I think EVERY woman needs to be exposed to this advice.

  • Tellylonglegs says:

    Although I’m not a guy I know for sure that you are correct! This list is on point. I used to do the things you mentioned, the notes, the texts and etc. But I learned that generally speaking, guys don’t care about that stuff, women do.

    Bravo!

  • I feel like the only issue I have with this list is that plenty women say they will do these things … but it’s conditional. Like you better hope she’s not tired.

  • “…Men how do you like to be romanced?”

    1) Whatever my woman demands of me, she demands the same of herself… REEEEEEEAL biggie to me…

    2) After my woman acts the b1tch role, she THEN acts the cleanup woman role… (smile) IF she’s wise…

    3) Whatever I ask of my woman, she responds the EXACT way she wants ME to react when she asks of me…

    (smile) Any others pretty much revolve around these three… LOL… What da f-ck…

    4) When she’s horny, she just jumps me… NO shullbit in doing so…

    5) When she’s reaching out to me (whether physically OR emotionally), she just grabs me… NO shullbit in doing so…

    6) When she f-cks up, she just admits it!!! (smile) NO shullbit in doing so… (smile) Like I KNOW she would want me to do…

  • Teflon says:

    Humph…and you say you’re not the relationship type. #idon’tbelieveyouonebit

    I love this list. I’ll add that the half-time blowjob is also appreciated during study time. Or if you have kids, anytime they’re not awake.

  • Obsidian says:

    Hi Max,
    Very interesting topic.

    The reason why so many Women yearn for romance is very simple: because the vast majority of Men couldn’t be bothered to learn about it. They think that whatever they’re doing will suffice, and, to be candid, since so many of you ladies go along, they would be right.

    However, for the small number of us among the multitude that take the Art of Love and the Science of Seduction, the recipients of our devoted study are happier than the proverbial clams; see here:

    Discourses Upon The Game, Vol. 5: Seducers, Players & Alpha Males Are NOT The Same
    http://obsidianraw.bravejournal.com/entry/67595

    And here:

    The Seducer’s Playlist: What’s On Yours?
    http://obsidianraw.bravejournal.com/entry/67226

    For more on these points and how they directly relate to your topic here.

    In the Dance of Seduction, it is the Man that leads. It has always been thus; forever shall it remain so.

    O.

  • mr chicago says:

    Hello Max,

    After many occasions where my fiance tried to entice me to read your blog – finally – on my birthday, she got me drunk and succeeded.

    I first agreed just to shut her ass up. And, out of sheer curiosity, I was hoping this would be what it was all hyped up to be. I thought I was going to walk into a feminist blog. But to my surprise and shock, I saw otherwise.

    You have no idea how much you have surprised men who genuinely care and love women yet want them to treat them like the kings they deserve to be.

    I cannot express to you how elated I am to read a woman’s blog who is not afraid to be a woman and at the same time, understands that by pleasing her man, she owns the world.

    Sincerely, Mr. Chicago

  • Chan says:

    *comes out of lurking & claps*

    Great Post and right on time! My bf hit me with the “you need to learn how to treat a man better” line not too long ago, and I have to agree with him. Everything on this post is just small things he would like me to do without the extra lip or ultra side-eye. I guess I am so use to him doing the romancing, I have neglected taking care of him. Shoot, after reading this post and all the *thumbs up* comments, he will def. see a change in his woman, and get romanced down…real soon. : )

    Again…great post and I look forward to reading more.

  • Victoria says:

    1. I love costumes and dressing up (not like super girly dressing up), but it’s even better if we both do it since I like the idea of roleplay. Batman and Catwoman! Or Spock and me in a red Star Fleet women’s uniform. I can think of more.
    2. Uh…since when do I care about coasters and putting feet up on the couch? I’d be a hypocrite. My only real rule is they have to take off their shoes and TRY to avoid spills. I’m not interested in watching the game, so I’ll put out the chips or whatever and do whatever since I’ve got a for a reason. Now if it’s a Star Wars or superheroes marathon or something geeky like that I must join.
    3. No pictures (someone else could see and reading leaves more to the imagination), but I’d be happy to tell him what I’m going to do to him later in excruciating detail. I’d have fun doing that anyway since I like smut (I don’t want pictures for the same reason I won’t take them).
    4. Eh, I might be as focused on what I’m doing as he is on the TV, so the possibility of blow jobs depends though I’d do it periodically. If he just plain expects it the halftime head will get boring after a while; a little surprise is more fun and gets more of a reaction. Hey, if he starts getting a little handsy while I’m into a show I’m not complaining.
    5. Considering I want the same and don’t like cuddling and constant jabbering in the first place? Dude’s in luck.

    Muze’s add-ons:
    -Considering I’m usually into the same shows anyway? Done deal.
    -Sex on a desk during lunchtime…haven’t I already fantasized about that?
    -Dirty Dancing I can do. Honestly, it’s the only kind I know how to do since real dances leave me forgetting the steps and slow dancing feels awkward.
    -Uh…I already sing every day because if I don’t I start feeling a little depressed and it’s a habit I’ve had all my life. No worries there.
    -Sure, don’t really want to go that much anyway unless he wants me to. I’m not that into watching sports (playing is more fun than watching even if I’m not very good), but I do like to watch periodically.
    -He’s out of luck on mani/pedis since I’m too lazy to give myself one (the fact that everyone admires my nails is a miracle of nature and me losing the biting habit). I will give him a foot rub if he just washed his feet though.
    -That’s my natural response anyway. Even with my friends, siblings, and parents.
    -Honestly, it’s more likely to be “Halo” or something and I’ll probably join in because I like shooting stuff as much as they do.

    Geez, I’m as into man-romance as the men are. Then again, I’m very practical and don’t do cutesy. I see little appeal in flowers and I’d really like a big container full of sour gummy worms instead of a box of chocolates. I don’t do jewelry either (honestly, the one necklace I wear is one men compliment or want because it’s the core drill from “Gurren Lagann”). Makes his life easier and cheaper.


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