Intimate Talks

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You can read the post or you can watch the video version of it here.

I told the Spectacular Asshole a secret the other day. It wasn’t a huge secret to me, but it wasn’t something that I necessarily want the whole world to know either. I didn’t really think it over before I told him, but afterward I was glad I did because it was one of those things that you have to tell right away. If I didn’t and it came out later it would have looked like I was hiding it and that would have opened up a big can of worms.

Anyway. So I told him, he was cool about it, and it was fine. No biggie. A couple of days later I just happened to mention to him that someone else knew about it and the shit hit the fucking fan. One minute we’re having an off-handed conversation about nothing in particular and the next we’re having a huge discussion about intimacy and privacy and what should be kept sacred between the two of us.

Well colour me blind-sided because I never thought that this particular secret would ever inspire such a conversation. In my mind, it was a relatively innocuous secret and definitely  not – by my definition anyway- something private between us. But clearly Mr. SA and I have wildly different opinions of what defines an intimate conversation between us. Clearly.

So. While I was mulling that over, I received the following email from a new reader:

Was hoping to get a female perspective on this: What do you consider an intimate conversation between 2 people? Please share your thoughts.

Weird, right? Here I am sitting here puzzling around what should define an intimate conversation and here he comes asking me the very same thing! It was destiny.

That night when I got home from work I was still mulling things over when suddenly my phone rang. It was my bus driver; to whom I’d given my number in a fit of good-nature a few days before that because he was cool and funny. But after about 15 seconds of conversation I knew we were in for a problem. This dude came HARD (no pause) on the sex tip. Right out of the gate he talked about what he likes, what he does, and all the things he would do to me if he got me in bed. It was insane. And, frankly, hilarious. (check out the video if you want an example of the insane talks he was giving me). While he was going on and on there was but one thought in my head: this conversation is waaaay too intimate for two people who just met to be having.

Every once in a while the stars align in such a way so as to show me that I should be writing about something. And these three things all happening in one day was a sign to me that I should write about intimate conversations. But as I contemplated doing that I realized that I have no real definition in my head of what exactly intimacy is. I mean I get the obvious things like private details of sex with someone you care about, the fine details of your relationship problems. I get that those are things that should never be shared outside the confines of your relationship. But beyond that, it all seems to blurry to me. What makes a conversation intimate? The topic? Or our desire for it to be intimate? Does intimate conversation only occur among a couple or are there intimate details of a friendship, intimate conversations between siblings or e-boos that should never be taken outside the confines of those relationships? When we’re talking about intimate conversation are we really just talking about secrets?

I don’t have answers to any of these questions, but I’m hoping some of you do. So let’s get a little discussion going today. Tell me how you guys define intimacy and whether you’re only concerned about it when it comes to your romantic relationships or if there’s intimacy involved in all your relationships? How important is it for each member of a couple to have the same definition of intimacy, and if they don’t – whose opinion wins? Share your thoughts with me in the comments.

 

 

 

 

bag lady. digital nerd. beauty junkie. shoe whore. i'm a sucker for big words and box-fresh kicks. know a little bit about a lot of things and have something to say about everything.

Comments 35

  1. Sade says:

    That’s kinda tough. I think you should definitely be considerate of his feeling but I also feel that it’s your prerogative to share what you want with who you want, as long as it’s about you. Once it gets into stuff about the relationship, or your partner/friend/family member than you should consider everything an intimate detail unless otherwise stated.

    It’s kinda like how you’re supposed to know your partner’s love language. If you want to gauge how important you are to a person based on the things they tell you, you need to know the things that they consider private.

    My brain isn’t fully functioning right so I’ll add more tomorrow if I think of anything else.

    1. Starita34 says:

      Yup, if it’s not my man, I can talk about ME and MY ISH all I want. If you are part of the story, you’re part of the story. I still respect people, but GTFOH with that keep my name outta your mouth talk. Keep yourself outta my lifespace and we’ll have a deal, until then: my life, my prerogative to share it. #BobbyBrown

  2. Adonis says:

    I just wasted 7 minutes of my life on that video… But I will say this…

    Monday’s video… please wrap your hair in a ponytail again… It reminds me of J Lo in “Enough”

    And it seems like you aged 5 years from May 1st – May 9th…

    I really don’t have any real thoughts on intimacy right now… I’ll just piggyback on someone who has better insight in the comments

    1. Starita34 says:

      Is this your attempt at being Dr. J a rude asshole to get women?

      It’s not gonna work. You gotta build a portfolio first. Then you get to be an asshole.

      1. Adonis says:

        When I am on these eStreets… I don’t tell Adonis’ brain what to do… And neither do you… He just…. does…

        Thank you for the advice…

        1. Starita34 says:

          You know what, I believe this statement is true 100%.

          This is your brain on blogs.
          http://youtu.be/kPEJE4HWb0o
          How’d that work out for the car? Someone’s gotta be driving man…

    2. max says:

      “I just wasted 7 minutes of my life on that video”

      You know Adonis, ordinarily I would let that slide, as I do so many of the other questionable things you say on here. But today I’m not in the mood to entertain your antics.

      Luckily for you and for me I’m very tired this morning. Too tired for me to write a long diatribe about how ignorant and unnecessary it is for you to say (and tweet) some shit like that. I’m too tired even to point out that when you put out content at the rate at which I put it out, not everything is going to be the world’s greatest video ever.

      And I am WAY too tired to remind you that in the absence of you having your own blog or making your own videos, you really should shut the fuck up.

      I’m too tired to get into it with you this morning. So instead I’m just gonna say that given the volume of tweets and comments you leave all over the blogosphere I’m pretty sure you had absolutely nothing better to do with those seven minutes than watch that video.

      1. Adonis says:

        Max. With Teeth. I Like…

        It still doesn’t change the fact that I could have skipped the video…

        Enjoy…

        1. GirlSixx is ChloeRayne516 says:

          Yup, you are absolutely right. You could have skipped the video and just READ the post instead.

          o__o

          1. max says:

            Right? I did say the choice was yours right? Watch the video or read the post? If he didn’t like the video why the fuck did he watch the whole thing?

            Oh right – so he could talk shit.

        2. SmartFoxGirl says:

          I’m sorry but when a man tries to insult a woman’s looks, icant. It doesn’t matter to me whether or not you have a blog…I need you to have a PICTURE up before you comment on anyone’s looks. Show your face.

          And please don’t refer to yourself in third person. That’s psychotic.

          1. BP says:

            CO-SIGN! Max, is so patient with this mofo. Reason 25642485785464679798425 I think she is dope.

      2. emti says:

        maxie: lil’ scrappy wants to play. Permission?

        1. max says:

          Granted.

          1. emti says:

            thanks

    3. RedLady821 says:

      Wow Adonis you are out of control sometimes. I would have blocked your ass for that. Just an FYI.

    4. emti says:

      Is there anyway to block this guy who would best be described as the result of a boring fuck?
      And where is his blog or his videos or even a picture of him so I can comment on his forgettable looks?

      1. Adonis says:

        We’ll get there emti, no rush

        @all Thanks for going to bat for Max… Not that serious, but I understand…

        Enjoy guys

  3. Starita34 says:

    LMAO @ you calling me out for checking out your apartment and yes, yes, I totally had already checked it all out! And it was fine, I was a bit relieved that it wasn’t quite as perfectly simple as Wis’s room. I feel like a slob compared to his serial killer clean pad.

    Great questions. Firstly on your question re: the SA. When ya’ll are together in a re-rrre-rah-rharlay-relationship, whoo that’s hard to say, but anyway, when you’re in one of those, I think there will have to be a compromise. Basically ya’ll will have to sit down and have this exact convo. WHAT is sacred, and WHY? The why is important because you’ll never be able to predict every topic that may come up, but if you know the spirit of why something is sacred to one another, then you can pretty much figure out all topics based on that.

    Like to you, the sex stuff isn’t all that secret. It’s sex, it’s physical, it’s friction, and it makes for seriously juicy storytime (your form of intimacy with your girls). But to him, it’s…whatever it is to him. (I assume he thinks your friends are judging, but I’m not a man, so I really have no clue. And men, if you are ascared of the judgment, don’t be, most times we’re dying of jealousy just that someone is even GETTING some dick!)

    For instance…an exlove of mine shared something personal about his family with me. He never said it was a secret. He never asked me not to tell anyone, but this was big. This was his family, this was something he hadn’t even told his boys. That was sacred, incredibly intimate, and I didn’t share it because I knew his “why”.

    I think it’s important that you don’t lose YOU in this negotiation either though. There are things that you need to share too. To vent, to get feedback, to have someone to talk to besides just your man, to maintain your existing relationships, and fulfill your own needs. Plus, you know you. You can promise to not share anything with your friends if you want to, but that doesn’t mean you’re going to be able to stick to that agreement…best you fulfill a reasonable agreement than to agree to the world and just renege and lie to him. It won’t be an easy convo,

    What makes a conversation intimate?
    For me, it’s about a level of comfort I guess. When you’re about to share something that I told you ask yourself, “if PersonA were there when Star told me this, would she have still revealed it?” if not, don’t tell PersonA. If so, share away. So with SA. If he were in a group of your girlfriends, would he be ok with overhearing you say, “So he tried this new move, where I put my legs behind my head so that they’re out of the way and kinda tries to spin me like a top, he calls it ‘Inception’ – but he totally couldn’t get any spin going. It was awkward and embarrassing. He just wacked off and went to bed.” Yeah, no. Not many men would be cool with that. He might be ok with, “Man we tried some crazy new ish last night. My baby’s always trying to spice ish up” and leave it at that. That he’d prolly be cool with. That’s my general rule of thumb, if they were here, would I say the same ish? Yes? Then I’m cool.

    Intimacy is not just for couples. No ma’am. Intimacy can happen with anyone. It won’t happen with everyone, but the possibility is always there. Total strangers at Ground Zero on 9/11 holding hands, silently feeling each other’s pain. The familiar look of desperation, frustration, joy, and exhaustion briefly exchanged between two new mothers. When you reassuringly touch the hand of a coworker that’s just been diagnosed with cancer. When a new friend trusts you to perform impromptu surgery on her toe to remove a splinter. That moment when your man let’s his guard down and does the lil dick dance in front of you without a care in the world. All that ish is intimate.

    Great questions. I hope the discussion is as good as the post…and that I didn’t use up all the characters allowed for this site in one day and that at least ONE person makes it through all these keystrokes!

    1. Nick@Nite says:

      and when another friend lends you the tweezers to remove said splinter….

      1. Starita34 says:

        Yes! :-) Even the bond shared between two gals that love nothing more than a sale!

        1. Starita34 says:

          And Bath & Body Works ;-)

  4. What makes a conversation intimate? The OPPOTUNITY to be oneself WITHOUT judgement from the other–PURE acceptance of BEING oneself

    The topic? Irrelevant…

    Or our desire for it to be intimate? Most def… ALL of us want to be ACCEPTED for whom we REALLY are… (smile) Although a lot of us FAKE so much that we only end up fooling ourselves along with everyone else… Tragic… (shrug) Better to keep sharing the REAL person…

    Does intimate conversation only occur among a couple or are there intimate details of a friendship, intimate conversations between siblings or e-boos that should never be taken outside the confines of those relationships? Intimate conversation CAN happen between TWO people–REGARDLESS of their…”relationship”

    When we’re talking about intimate conversation are we really just talking about secrets? Nope, not at all… (smile) At least NOT with the Symbiotic Loner…

    1. Starita34 says:

      I really like this: “What makes a conversation intimate? The OPPORTUNITY to be oneself WITHOUT judgement from the other–PURE acceptance of BEING oneself”

  5. Malik says:

    Intimate talks: Baring one’s soul in a direct way without the aid of self-deprecation or asides to distract from what you’re trying to communicate.

  6. OSHH says:

    I think intimate, as in close and deeply personal conversations can happen across the board from romantic partners to good friends to close fam members.
    I think that if its something someone shared with you in confidence then it should stay with you, it’s not necessarily about secrets but moreso trust.

  7. SmartFoxGirl says:

    Wow this is a tough one. I’m a complete open book so my level of intimacy is probably not the most common. I will say I dated a very shy/reserved man for years and I learned to not share anything that has anything to do with him/us. Just a bunch of “we’re doing fine, he’s fine, etc” apart from talking to my mom and bestie cause they’re my lifeline. When it comes to sharing info about myself, I overshare and he didn’t like it. We’d leave get togethers with him asking “why did you tell them that? keep somethings to yourself.” etc. I just tried to find a balance. When it comes to yourself, you know what you’re comfortable with. You’re a smart woman. If you’re fine with your level of sharing, then he should be too unless it concerns him. If you guys grow into something, I would try to consider his opinion without losing who you are. I’ll cosign Star in if you wouldn’t say it in front of him, then that would be defined as intimate. I share intimate details with my mom but I trust her. This whole intimacy thing is a tough one and a work in progress as you get to know your partner.

  8. LaLaBakir says:

    Great topic and vid Maxie!

    Not sure if I have an answer either. I definitely don’t consider secrets to be the deciding factor of intimate talks. I do think there is an intimacy level involved in most relationships that aren’t artifical. And I believe that varies from each relationship. When in a romanitc relationship, I do think it’s important for both parties to have a clear understanding about what they prefer not to be shared outside of the relationship. The one thing that comes to mind is sex.

    Im gonna think on this some more.

  9. GirlSixx is ChloeRayne516 says:

    Max…….

    Hmmm I get where he’s coming from in regards to not sharing intimate details that pertains to him BUT at the same time he knows your life is basically an open book (blog) and judging from what you said on your video you do know/have boundaries, I mean its NOT like you divulging how big or small his pecker is or what his facetime status is and it’s not like you dropping goverment names either.

    It sounds to me as if he’s getting a little Caught Up. No????? He’s mad because you shared an ID about YOURSELF with him and then told someone else and now he doesn’t feel Special.. Sounds like feelings to me girl, but hey I could be wrong.

    1. OSHH says:

      I think SA already had some type of feelings, hence the re-entrance.

  10. Many do not know what the term “intimate” means. So although intimate is an adjective it also needs to be qualified. I could give you several examples but probably none better than this, I was talking to my college chapter’s new president and I said, “expect our conversations to become more intimate.” While he knew what I meant because i’m also a past president, some younger brother said, “PAUSE.” And I said, “No. Intimate only means more personal than just informal conversation.” Anyway, for that reason it’s hard to answer to this post. I think that intimate relationship details should only be discussed with those in the relationship. But this wasn’t even something that pertained to this relationship, so really it’s whoever Max has determined has the right to the information. Besides, are they even in a relationship anyway for him to be making demands and rules?

  11. RedLady821 says:

    I think that I am having my own boundaries with what is exactly intimate being tested at the moment. I will sit this one out and read the responses of others.

  12. MeteorMan says:

    I don’t think intimate always means private. So an intimate conversation where you tell your secret someone else, I don’t understand why he would trip.

    Maybe he meant that he wishes to (feel like he) share(s) something only specific between you two and the conversation following was only a side-effect of that desire.

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