The last man I dated with any type of regularity disappeared off the face of the earth when we called it quits. I wasn’t mad because in my world, that’s the natural order of things. Notwithstanding this guy, I don’t believe in staying friends with my exes. It just never made sense to me.
So yeah – in the year or so since I last
bumped uglies with saw this dude, I’ve heard not a peep out of him beyond a generic mass Happy Holidays text that I summarily ignored. And I’d basically forgotten his entire existence until his name popped up on my caller ID the other day. Intensely curious and completely baffled by what he could possibly want with me, I broke my rule of virtually never answering the phone for any reason ever and picked up.
The conversation started off innocuously enough; how are things, how’s work, how’s your family, etc. We talked about my blog – he let me know he’d stopped reading it and I let him know that anyone who doesn’t read my blog is at least a little bit dead to me. That’s pretty much the sum total of the small talk there is to be had between two people who dated pretty casually over a year ago who have no real shared interests and no mutual friends.
After an awkward silence during which I tried to find the most diplomatic way to extricate myself from this phone call, a little thing I like to call the case of the ex occurred. The case of the ex goes a little something like this:
He clears his throat and then says faux-casually that he’s been thinking of me.
I warily ask what he’s been thinking.
He starts to hem and haw about not knowing what went wrong between us.
I attempt to brush him off by pointing out that it really doesn’t much matter at this point.
He says he thinks we were too hasty and we should start seeing each other again.
I heave a great deep sigh.
The reason I sighed so greatly was not that I conflicted about wanting to go back there with this dude – I wasn’t. Nor was it that I felt badly to have to tell him in no uncertain terms that we would not be seeing each other again – I didn’t. I heaved a great big deep dutty sigh because it was the case of the ex rearing its ugly head once again.
The case of the ex is what I call it when you stop messing with a dude, he fades to obscurity, and then magically reappears the instant you start to get involved with another dude. Whether it’s a week, a month, or five years later it seems some men just have some kind of radar that alerts them to the fact that you’re about to start studying someone else. In my case, a few months ago I was falling into a certain man’s vortex. Just as I accepted defeat and admitted to myself and my friends that I was feeling this dude, the spectacular asshole swooped in and case of the ex’d me right out of that. And now that I’m starting to be sucked into his vortex here comes this dude pulling the case of the ex again.
I just don’t get this shit. I mean – I already know that sooner or later disappearing men always come slithering out of their holes. I know there are a lot of reasons why they could be doing it, but that 9 times out of 10 it’s just because they want to know if they can still smash. I get all of that and I’m over it. But what I don’t get is how the fuck they know. How are they able to determine the exact moment at which to sweep in and bring chaos and confusion to the vortex you’re happily falling into? How is a man you’ve stopped dating and are not in contact with able to tell that you like someone else and have forgotten about him. How? How?!?
I don’t know the answer. And no one I know has ever been able to explain it to me either. So I put it out to you readers – do you know? Ladies have you had a man pull the case of the ex on you and reappear just as you’re forgetting about him and getting into someone else? Men…just tell me how you know!